Losing confidence -- Miss Mojo, Raven & Princessa

[Katherine]

First, an enormous thank you for your support and kind words. I can't believe I just stumbled upon this message board and have found it be such a resource. So much better to share with others rather than make that pathetic phone call -- so better to heal rather than hurt.

 

I do feel some relief now after 2 months of torturing myself with what if? scenarios...what if I had stayed in Europe? what if I moved back? what if I had taken that mediocre job? Now I know there is really nothing I could have done nor can do to change his feelings. There is closure, acceptance. It still hurts, but I do feel this is an important step towards recovery.

 

So,now it's about trying not to lose confidence. I find myself thinking that I became a less attractive person (because I was looking for a job, feeling frustrated that it wasn't coming together, feeling down because i got turned down for roles, etc) and that is why my partner ultimately has rejected...I am having terrible thoughts that I became this sort of dejected, unconfident, needy individual. I know for a fact that I was struggling in recent months, and probably became more dependent on my partner for support.

 

Was I so caught up in the relationship, so addicted to the love & attention, that I didn't see some warning signs? That I didn't look out for number one, just kind of lost myself? My self-esteem is really really low. It's just terrible thinking that someone doesn't want you...you can't help but think why? what's wrong with me? was i too needy? was I too dependent?

 

I never analysed the relationship while we together, just enjoyed it. It never occurred to me that he might not be interested in a long-term committment...because we just were together. Every night, every weekend, for a year. Having a great time. I can't really hang out with a person beyond the first few dates if it doesn't have long-term potential...I guess he just didn't mean the same to him. But how did not pick up on it? How did I put myself in this position?

 

My self-confidence right now is shattered. What happened to me? I hate feeling this way. It is some comfort to know that others have survived this and feel better. And I am in the middle of a job search here now. Not exactly good for interviews. I feel I have to accelerate the process of recovery and feel good about myself again, but don't know how to do it. I don't think there is a quick fix...by the way, Miss Mojo, your response was peppered with some distinct English phrases...are you from the UK? did you live over there?

 

I guess next thing I should do is buy the book (Princessa's suggestion). Off to check out Amazon...thanks for opportunity to share this.

[midori]

Hi Katherine,

 

I know first hand what a terribly hard thing it is to have a love that seemed so solid and sustaining suddenly dissipate as if it had only been a figment of my imagination. I too have obsessed this year about where I went wrong, what happened in the course of a 3 year-plus relationship (more than half of which was long-distance, my ex is a journalist who is posted half-way around the world from me). I won't go into the in's and out's of my own situation, which would be tedious for you to read, but I have learned a few things that have helped me deal with things.

 

My ex-boyfriend is absolutely terrified of love. He admits this now and while he says he wants love in his life (and he had it when we were together), he is so afraid of the ugliness he saw his parents' once-loving marriage disintegrate into, that he cannot believe in love as a lasting thing that can grow and adapt with people as they move through life. He sees love as something one might find in the present and which might be wonderful at any given time -- but which will sooner or later come apart. His life is constructed accordingly: he's very successful for his age because he has put his career first. He looks to derive his primary satisfaction in life from his work, that's something he can control independently, unlike relationships. The minute something in life comes into conflict with his career plans -- as our relationship did, because we both hated to be apart from each other -- he works to eliminate the obstacle, whatever it is. That included me. We'd been talking about getting married at the beginning of this year, and I'd join him for the remainder of his posting. But when I was accepted into a highly competitive doctoral program, in which deferral was not an option and which would therefore mean I could not join him, he abruptly broke up with me. At first he could give me no reasons (he did not cite the prolonged separation, as that would implicate his own career choices); eventually the reasons he did give me were ludicrous, exaggerated versions of differences between us that had never been an issue (different ideas about art and pop music, for example!). He had to fabricate reasons why we "weren't right" for each other, despite his deep love for me, because to acknowledge the love between us would have meant ushering in a whole new set of priorities and changes that he wasn't prepared to make. To embrace me, and our love, would have forced him to revise many of the basic assumptions he had made about life.

 

I state all of this now, matter-of-factly, but this understanding is the result of nearly nine months of beating my head against the wall (incidentally, throughout much of this time he refused to even speak to me, citing the pain it caused him, so I was really left hanging). I've been seeing a therapist for the last few months to help me get my head sorted out. Because, like you, I was faced with this horrible conundrum: I knew that the love between us had been real, had been a wonderful thing that was so full of good things and so full of promise. And I just could not figure out where I had gone wrong, what I had been missing. How had I deluded myself into believing that he loved me -- when it was so easy for him to drop me, and he was so willing to do what he needed to forget me? Was I insane?

 

My point is: I wasn't crazy and neither are you. I'll bet that the love between you and your ex was as real as you thought it was. You mention the impending separation looming in front of you -- and you may well be right, that might have been an obstacle for him. He might have been preparing himself for the separation he knew was coming. I'm not suggesting that, like mine, your ex is afraid of love or has similar relational problems. What I'm getting at is that, rather than doubt your own sanity maybe you can try to examine your ex's life in a larger context (family, friends, etc.) and see what themes are there. What role does love in its different forms play in his life, and how much space does he allot it? How are his priorities structured? If you can come to understand this in a way that makes sense to you, you'll probably find it easier to accept and move on. You may end up respecting him less, or at least understanding in differently. It's not about villifying him though. It's just about getting the understanding you need in order to have some peace of mind.

 

And in this process of examination I've learned a lot about myself, about things that I assumed or did that weren't helping matters. And I know why I was doing them, where I was coming from, and why I won't repeat those mistakes. I feel a lot stronger now, and much more at peace with myself. Much more confident about trusting my instinct.

 

It'll come with time. But it sounds like you're taking the right first steps.

 

Good luck

[Miss Mojo]

hi katherine,

 

firstly, i think you are to be commended for dropping the futile "what if" scenarios. it is too easy an emotional trap to fall into and it only does your head in. even if you had of stayed in europe, even if you had of taken that mediocre job, this relationship would have inevitably ended up where it has now. i suppose a tiny consellation is that it happened sooner rather than later.

 

his feelings and his decisions had not one iota to do with where you live, what you do for a living, whether or not you like cheese on your hamburger etc. he simply didn't feel that you were the one. it happens to the best of us and it doesn't mean for one second that your partner didn't love you. i'd be willing to place bets that his behaviour has nothing at all to do with you but how he views relationships, his own confidence, his ability (or lack thereof) to develop a long-term emotional bond with someone. don't doubt yourself - doubt him. you have everything going for you. he more than likely does not, and if you delve deeper into his personality and his actions, you will probably find examples or even hints of how this would not have worked out anyway, regardless of ANY circumstances.

 

secondly, a wonderful partner doesn't find their partner less attractive because they are experiencing human emotions due to circumstances. if your partner couldn't accept that you naturally and very legitimatly felt frustrated with your lack of employment prospects, then HE is the one with the issue, NOT YOU. part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship involves understanding and acceptance...understanding that things will not always run smoothly for our partners and that they are not obligated to act like game show hosts every day, walking around smiling with rays of sunshine beaming out their butts. acceptance of a diverse range of emotions and accepting that things will not always be perfect. i think understanding and acceptance should be mutually exclusive. but of course, we do not all have the capacity to always understand and accept. needing his support and reassurance during a troublesome time was not asking for much at all. 99.9% of people would need the support of someone in a situation like this. given the current economic climate, jobs are not easy to come by. i have just found myself a new job after being out of work for 2 months. for the last 2 months, i have felt stressed. i don't think i need to explain why i felt this way. this brings me back to the fact that we are all so different and some of us just don't know how, or are not capable of showing understanding and/or emotional support.

 

i understand how the breakdown of a relationship can shatter your confidence. i've been there myself. but there is no doubt that you have every reason to be confident - you are intelligent, you are insightful, you have a lot to give, you are in touch with your feelings, you have self-respect you have incredible potential as a girlfriend...this guy was just not the one to offer all of this too, no matter how much you wanted him to be.

 

i don't think this has anything to do with being too needy or too dependant (which from all accounts, you certainly don't seem to have been). and for every person out there who doesn't want you, there are at least 5 who will want you. this man is just one of millions in this world. i know in my previous relationships, i have refused to let ONE PERSON get me down so much. i've reached a point where i have thought, "stuff you...i am hurting, but i am not going to let your actions affect me like this, and i WILL get over you". you will too. i promise you.

 

look inside yourself and understand the reasons that your family and friends love you. understand that there is definitely someone out there who will feel this way too. it's unconditional and regardless of whether or not we are having a bad day, they don't back down on their feelings for you.

 

perhaps if you can focus on everything you have to offer to an employer, be determined to get the job that makes you most happy, thoroughly research companies and put in your best effort (i registered with at least 10 agencies in sydney and told them specifically what i want and don't want), then you have at least half the problem solved. i had every agency tell me, "don't think that you're having trouble getting a job because of your skills...there aren't many jobs out there right now" (i'm very skilled, yet so many jobs in my field wanted a junior, someone with more experience than me, the pay was terrible, the location really sucked...). i actually went to this job interview the other week feeling really down and so worried it would reflect in the interview. but i put on that happy face, felt genuine interest in the job, kept in contact with agency and landed the job through persistance. getting a job again will definitely boost your confidence. it really feels like a catch 22 situation, but focus on one thing at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed by your emotions (and how irrational our emotions can be sometimes).

 

...then you can focus on relationships. one other word of advice - i would strongly suggest being on your own for a while. of course, meet new people, but i don't think now is the right time to even consider a new relationship.

 

i'm acutally australian born and bred, which would partly explain the british grammar (having been settled by the poms and being a part of the british commonwealth). i lived in the uk for a few months back in '99 and dammit!! i'm dying to go back!!

 

i hope i've been able to help you see things a bit more clearly.

 

best wishes

[raven]

FI you read my post above you can see I got caught in the trap AGAIN, and beleive I know it doesnt feel good, but remember like I do, this ISNT your fault, but his. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

 

Count your lucky stars you got out now and not in 10 years, and remember that you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. Anything I can do to help do not heistate to ask, good luck.

 

Raven

First, an enormous thank you for your support and kind words. I can't believe I just stumbled upon this message board and have found it be such a resource. So much better to share with others rather than make that pathetic phone call -- so better to heal rather than hurt. I do feel some relief now after 2 months of torturing myself with what if? scenarios...what if I had stayed in Europe? what if I moved back? what if I had taken that mediocre job? Now I know there is really nothing I could have done nor can do to change his feelings. There is closure, acceptance. It still hurts, but I do feel this is an important step towards recovery. So,now it's about trying not to lose confidence. I find myself thinking that I became a less attractive person (because I was looking for a job, feeling frustrated that it wasn't coming together, feeling down because i got turned down for roles, etc) and that is why my partner ultimately has rejected...I am having terrible thoughts that I became this sort of dejected, unconfident, needy individual. I know for a fact that I was struggling in recent months, and probably became more dependent on my partner for support. Was I so caught up in the relationship, so addicted to the love & attention, that I didn't see some warning signs? That I didn't look out for number one, just kind of lost myself? My self-esteem is really really low. It's just terrible thinking that someone doesn't want you...you can't help but think why? what's wrong with me? was i too needy? was I too dependent? I never analysed the relationship while we together, just enjoyed it. It never occurred to me that he might not be interested in a long-term committment...because we just were together. Every night, every weekend, for a year. Having a great time. I can't really hang out with a person beyond the first few dates if it doesn't have long-term potential...I guess he just didn't mean the same to him. But how did not pick up on it? How did I put myself in this position? My self-confidence right now is shattered. What happened to me? I hate feeling this way. It is some comfort to know that others have survived this and feel better. And I am in the middle of a job search here now. Not exactly good for interviews. I feel I have to accelerate the process of recovery and feel good about myself again, but don't know how to do it. I don't think there is a quick fix...by the way, Miss Mojo, your response was peppered with some distinct English phrases...are you from the UK? did you live over there? I guess next thing I should do is buy the book (Princessa's suggestion). Off to check out Amazon...thanks for opportunity to share this.