Wondering aloud

[Guest]

Hi all,

I have been reading alot and even posted one thread already(see Short Marriage:DOA? for my whining and snivling) and have come up with some good stuff.

 

A few posts mentioned the 33 tips, etc, and letting her have her space and decide what she wants in life. Its been 5 weeks since my wife of two(at the time) now 3 months, took off without a trace. I mean nothing, no fowarding address, no clue as to where she's at. I have pretty much taken that at face vaule when it comes to letting her go. She told me in e-mails not to come to where she works, don't call, etc.

 

If I get a call from anyone, her father calls me about things, she won't even speak to me. (Its a good thing at this point though, I don't know that I am strong enough to hear her voice.) That pretty much tells me she's gone and gone for good, but part of me still wonders.

I have not called, only e-mail when there is buisness involved(bills, etc) and other than that, I don't even know if she's still in the area. I think she is, as I thought I saw her car the other day when I was going to a movie.

I guess my question is this, (other concerns in other topic) if this is really over, as much as I hate it, how long is too long to hold on? In the state that I live in, there is no "Legal Separation" and because there are no children, only have to be in separate residences for 6 months.

 

Should I go down and file paperwork on the 6 month mark, even though I haven't seen any separation agreement from her? She has said that she has been to a lawyer and that the agreement has been drawn up, but its been over a month and I have not seen a thing. Part of me thinks that she is having second thoughts, somewhere in her head, because when she left she was gung-ho about lawyers, etc and now I haven't heard a peep from her. Should I e-mail her and ask her what's going on with the paperwork or if there are second thoughts, would that anger her even further. I know at this point the best thing to do is nothing at all, but I have always been a proactive person and that doing nothing thing is hard. Just looking for some opinions.

Thanks

Me

[Becoming]

Were you even married? I mean, not legally, but really. Because it sounds like marriage and its end is something that's done unto you but which you're not really doing, which could be why she took off?

 

I dunno, of course, so please forgive if she's just a total flake and you're confused. But I must say, at this point I'm confused.

 

What happened? We can't really help you until we know more.

[Guest]

Were you even married? I mean, not legally, but really. Because it sounds like marriage and its end is something that's done unto you but which you're not really doing, which could be why she took off?

 

I dunno, of course, so please forgive if she's just a total flake and you're confused. But I must say, at this point I'm confused.

 

What happened? We can't really help you until we know more.

 

For the full story as I know it, read the post "Short Marriage:DOA" I had a drinking problem, she seemed to accept it for a while, but then it came to a head and I quit, and she left.

Was it a real marriage? I can't tell you for sure. In my eyes, yes, I treasure and adore her and I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for her. My every thought is of her welfare and safety, even now that I have no idea where she is anymore. But I don't know at this point if she was in love with me or just the idea of getting married. She had been engaged before me, and the reasons she left him were almost identical to the reasons she told my mom when she left me. Flake? I don't think so; she has bi-polar tendancies but I don't know if she is actually diagnosed. Things like mood swings, perfection( she does no wrong in her eyes, and there is nothing she needs to change)

Like I said, read the other post, If there are more questions, I will try to answer as much as possible.

Thanks

Me

[Becoming]

Is this your thread, too? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94486/

 

If so there's the background.

 

And honey, you might as well register for this site, pick a name and an avatar because it sounds like you're gonna have to sit a spell. . . .

 

Welcome to the LS. Sorry it's under these conditions. But good for you for seeking. You shall find.

[Lor]

Me,

 

Settle down and wait--which is the hardest part. I would advise not to make the first move till after the 6 months is up. If you still haven't heard from her by then, then do it yourself. I know you said you'd talked to a lawyer and such, which is good.

 

Don't contact her, it will only make matters worse (been there, done that--Trust Me). If she decides to come back, it needs to be her decision. Go on picking up the pieces of your life.

 

If you were near me, I'd go to a movie with you.......

[Guest]

Me,

 

Settle down and wait--which is the hardest part. I would advise not to make the first move till after the 6 months is up. If you still haven't heard from her by then, then do it yourself. I know you said you'd talked to a lawyer and such, which is good.

 

Don't contact her, it will only make matters worse (been there, done that--Trust Me). If she decides to come back, it needs to be her decision. Go on picking up the pieces of your life.

 

If you were near me, I'd go to a movie with you.......

 

Thanks so much, I think the drive from Indiana to VA would be kinda tough.

Thanks for the advice though, I am going to try my darndest to leave her alone, which will kill me, but I do not want to anger her any further. However,

Would it be an awful thing to at least shoot a quick e-mail with her bill info, and just to let her know that should she ever reconsider that I am willing?

I am not really willing to make the first move anyways because A. I didn't want this and since everything else I have done has been turned around on me( She left me, and now she is telling people that I threw her out, that sort of thing), I am sure that by me filing paperwork would be turned around.

B. Quite simply, I can't afford it. Why go in further debt to do what she wants. If I don't hear anything in 6 months, then I will find out her intentions, and if she has no desire for reconcilliation, then I move on and get it over with.

So, if she wants something to happen, then she's going to have to get the ball rolling on her own; that way she has to make a concious decision of what she really wants, and can't use me as an excuse.

I am starting to feel better everyday, as I have said in other posts, it still hurts, but I am still starting to feel better about myself; knowing that I didn't bring all of this on myself.

Even if she wants to come back in a few months, I don't know how I will react; part of me knows I would take her back, but the other part of me knows that the way she is is not healthy for my mental state and my recovery from my addiction.

[Guest]

Is this your thread, too? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94486/

 

If so there's the background.

 

And honey, you might as well register for this site, pick a name and an avatar because it sounds like you're gonna have to sit a spell. . . .

 

Welcome to the LS. Sorry it's under these conditions. But good for you for seeking. You shall find.

 

Yeah,

that's me, I tried to register here at work and for some reason it won't let me. I will be registering tonite, and let ya'll know who I am

[Becoming]

I read all the other post, and because of its length, you may not get a lot of replies. Which is a shame because I perceive a really great guy here who admits he's got a drinking problem and has been sober over a month. YEAH YOU! Keep up with the sobriety even though all this pain may want you to drown it.

 

She has issues. And if she was pushing you around, throwing things, etc., this is not normal. It amounts to physical abuse. And yes, men get abused by women all the time--especially with words and emotions. This does not make it acceptable behavior, though. You deserve better.

 

Can you ever trust her after doing this to you? I think I'd be inclined to chalk this up to experience and let her go. Learn from it. Not everyone is good. Most of us are screwed up in one way or another. And it takes time to find out how that is and whether or not you can live with it.

 

She may not have filed because of the $$ either.

 

It sounds like you're using this time to get to know who you are and what it is you really want--instead of just living unconsciously and drinking your way through. Good for you! It'll hurt more in some ways, but it will also bring you more of what it is you want in your life as well.

 

All the best. And again, GOOD FOR YOU FOR STAYING ON THAT WAGON! Only the best of people can admit when they have a problem and do something about it.

[Lor]

Thanks so much, I think the drive from Indiana to VA would be kinda tough.

 

Not too bad; I just did IN to MN this past week..... We could catch the late showing

 

Would it be an awful thing to at least shoot a quick e-mail with her bill info, and just to let her know that should she ever reconsider that I am willing?

 

You could do that but I would keep it simple and to the point. No mushy stuff. How about "I am willing to try on our marriage if you feel you can."? Probably don't push it any farther than that. If she replies back no then just say ok.

 

My H answers my emails in monosyllables and I tell you what, it drives me insane. Maybe you shouldn't tell her you're still willing. If she wants to know that, she can call or go see you. I'd keep the email very general:

 

Your half of the credit card bill is $50.

Me

 

She's looking for pity for poor pitiful her, stuck in a bad marriage with a guy who drinks too much and why should she put up with it? She doesn't want to think about the guy who's turned himself around, worked on his problems, so on and so forth. Now she'd have to look at herself and that's a very hard thing to do if you aren't willing and open to it.

 

Even if she wants to come back in a few months, I don't know how I will react; part of me knows I would take her back, but the other part of me knows that the way she is is not healthy for my mental state and my recovery from my addiction.

 

I know what you mean but you can't worry about something that is out of your control. She will hold all the strings if you let her. You can't know right now how you will react a few weeks, months down the line. Analyze it when and if it happens.

[DieselPWR]

This is "Me", I went ahead and registered, not going to reveal my name as my wife is pretty internet saavy and would like to keep it pretty low key, as this is public and you never know who is reading

That's fine if I don't get alot of replies, the few that I have gotten have helped me imensely in my quest for peace.

Thanks for the congrats on the wagon, the first few weeks were rough, but I have learned the hard way that problems don't go away when you try and drown them with Jim Beam; nope quite the opposite, they get worse. Because now you not only have to deal with a hangover, you also have to deal with your spouse. I thank God in someways that this has happened to me. Sure, it sucks seeing the prospect of losing my wife, but I now have the real me back. I have my life back. I feel better, I have lost a good bit of weight (stress aided in that too), and I am starting to do things that I haven't done in a while. This forum is a good example; I never went on the computer when I was drinking, too much coordination required. I now feel my life opening up in front of me. That is the good that has come out of this and for that I will always be thankful to her, regardless of the outcome. I have no hard feelings, anger, or resentment towards anyone involved with this situation. They are all doing what they think is best for her(and me on my side) and that's ok. I can't sit and dwell on shoulda, woulda, or coulda. There was a point before she actually took off when she told me I should've quit 4 months ago and I told her that at that point, I didn't want to. Only when I realized I had a problem did I do something about it.

As far as chaliking this up to expierence, I am still on the fence about that. Yes, I realize the situation and the likely outcome. And if the day comes and we get a divorce, that's fine. However, I would still like to hold out some hope that she would seek some help and that we could live happily like we once were. The abuse thing is defintely something that I would've never believed. It wasn't an every day thing, only a few times, but I would never put up with that again. I always told my mom that I didn't want to call the police because I wasn't locking my fiance/wife up. Plus, I didn't think the cops would believe me, cause most likely I would've been extremely drunk at the time. No, I slpet it off and life went on.

So the verdict is this: I still love her but am facing reality for the most part. If she would come back, its her decision alone, and nothing that I can do or say at this point would help, so I am keeping my trap shut:D Something, I might add that I am not too good at (read my posts?) I would make every attempt to do my part, but without a reciprocal thing, it just won't work, and I think that's the point that I am at right now. I know that I have changed a bunch, but I don't think that she would be that willing.

Thanks and for now we'll just keep my name "ME"

Peace all,

Me

[DieselPWR]

Lor,

The only thing about it is that there were alot of angry things said at the beginning of all this that may have made me sound like I didn't want to work things out. So I think I will take the first bit of advice, keep the e-mail a few lines. That way she doesn't have alot of ammo to blast back at. I know how you feel about short short e-mails, drive me nuts also.

I am sure she is playing the pity card, but I can't worry bout that like you said.

I don't have it all together yet, but I am defintly on my way to bigger and better things in life. If she wants to be part of it, fine, if not that's her decision. Its funny when your mind clears up from years of a haze and you see things straight again.

[Becoming]

Welcome, Diesel. No need to use names, and if you really want more anonymity in the face of a potential divorce, you can edit your profile to change the place to somewhere silly like "On the Wagon." You're picking up this internet thing nicely.

 

Beware of the potentially addictive nature of the Shack!

 

If you really want your W back (there's a thread somewhere on all the LS initials--you can do a search on it), you can say that in a brief line in an email that tells her you know you screwed up, hurt her, etc. Regardless of what happens, you need to ask for forgiveness for the sake of your own soul, ya know, Bro.

 

No one knows how to do marriage when they get married. But the marriagebuilders web site is fantastic to help people know what makes for a good marriage. I wouldn't take your W back unless she was willing to take responsibility for her actions and see a marriage counselor with you. You could still have a shot at happiness if both of you are willing to really be in this thing together.

[DieselPWR]

That is exatcly what I am planning to do, but I am going to wait a few more weeks to let things simmer down, on the advice of my pastor.

He thinks the same way that you do. I have asked her for forgiveness as well as her family, so that has been done. I have also prayed for forgiveness and feel better on that end.

I wouldn't take her back no questions asked; she needs help with her anger issues, and other stuff which I will not get into.

I would like to see this work out, but until she comes back to the table, I am not pushing the issue by Calling, trying to find her, etc. Like I said, she dissappeared on me and I have no idea where she is. At this point, I have my doubts as to her willingness to come to the table and work this out. If she doesn't realize that I am not the only one that needs to do a little "adjustment" then this thing was doomed from the start.

At this point, only time will tell. I have done what I know to do and will take it as it comes for now on. I will keep ya posted and keep my reading.

There is no doubt in my mind that I still love her; I have had relationships before that when she left, I was over it a week or so. But I truly love this woman and am willing to let her go if that is her wish, but should she want to work things out, I am sure taht people have been through much worse and worked it out.

Thanks for the words,

Me

[DieselPWR]

Well, my lack of patience got the best of me this morning;

I had to e-mail the W on bill issues, and I had to put the line in there.

"Should you have a change of heart and decide that you would like to work on our marriage, then I would be willing to work on my end" That's it. Short and sweet, and I am not e-mailing her again. I have my feelings out there, and now its out of my hands, not that it was ever really in my hands. I am now resigning to a lonely silence and waiting.

I think that she has had a while to cool down and should be rational about this, regardless of her opinion, I hope she remains civil about this.

[Lor]

That was very nicely put. She may not respond back at all and, no matter how much it is eating away at you to fire another email back, please don't. All you can do now is let her think on your words. Hopefully she will.

[DieselPWR]

Yeah, that's what everyone has told me. My pastor advised that I should at least put my feelings out there and let it sit with her. Basically, I have asked for her forgiveness and let her know(without begging) that I would like to make it work. Whether or not she replies or comes back, I feel that I have done all that I can do at this point, and she knows how I feel. The e-mail even said if she didn't respond, I understood, and would leave her alone.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think that was a great idea, as a matter of fact I was going to advise that.

 

Have you read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson or "Hope for the Separated"? Both of those are good Christian books that deal with what you're going through. I'd recommend either.

 

At any rate, right now you can spend some time working on yourself, and your sobriety and really put some time into learning about what makes a great marriage. That way, later on, even if it doesn't work out with her you'll be able to be a better partner the next time.

 

That is what my husband did, and let me tell you, I'm reaping the benefits of that!

[DieselPWR]

Not read either, but as soon as I get paid I will look into those. I have alot more free time on my hands that I am filling.

Some of these tips I wish I'd had so that I could've got it right the first time, but hindsight is always 20/20 and I can't change the past. The only thing I can do is look foward and work on myself day by day. I know that I could be a better person given a second chance, but If I don't get that chance, I am confident that I will make it work again in the future whomever It is with, my W or not. I have to work on me and let the rest happen as it will.

[Becoming]

Yeah, you!

 

And you can pick up used books cheap on line at amazon.com and allibris.com or even ebay. I think AddAll will even compare many used book sites and help you find the cheapest.

 

And there's always the library, but sometimes ya just want your own book to muse over and take notes in, huh?

 

You know where to find us on those days that it just hits you on, ok?

[DieselPWR]

Yeah, you!

 

And you can pick up used books cheap on line at amazon.com and allibris.com or even ebay. I think AddAll will even compare many used book sites and help you find the cheapest.

 

And there's always the library, but sometimes ya just want your own book to muse over and take notes in, huh?

 

You know where to find us on those days that it just hits you on, ok?

oH I know where ya'll are!

I went to the library today and they don't have either ; so I am waiting to get some $$ and go and get one or both. A little knowledge never hurt anyone that I know of

Ya'll have gotten me out of my funk for the time being at least. I am coping alot better than I was even last week. Sure, it still hurts, but I am finding creative outlets for my mind. Without much $$ there isn't alot of fun to be had outside the house. Walks on the beach or at the mall and stuff are counterproductive at this point. Too many memories that I am not ready to deal with. But I have become reaquainted with my three lil darlins. Bella, Bear, and Lobo. No, not children , my ferrets that don't have a care in the world. They are always glad to see me, and we have played and fought on the floor and had a ball; I even have one that will wait until I clean the litterbox before he will give it his "seal of appoopval" The worst part is he will stare right at you as if saying "Yup, that's right, I am making a mess, but you love me anyway" and its the truth.

I am not going anywhere soon, as I know there are dark days ahead, but at the end of the tunnel there is a light.

Me

[Becoming]

:lmao: My cat does the same thing with her litter box.

 

LS is a lot of fun when you're lonely and just want to interact with folks for practice when you're in healing mode. Enjoy!

[Mz. Pixie]

I just purchased some books myself on half.com. I bought a hardback that is normally 26.00 for like 7.00 plus shipping. They have them on there in all kinds of different conditions- excellent, good, and fair. If you don't mind some markings in them already you can get them pretty cheap!

[DieselPWR]

Well, got the "Death Blow" last nite and I actually feel better because of it;

Won't post the whole e-mail,

She basically said that although she loved me for the time we lived together before the wedding, after we got married I changed to a person that she doesn't like or love ever. Also said that she was glad that I was sober but it was too late for her to care. That was pretty cold, but pretty to the point, I thought

Funny how I was exactly the same before the wedding, and all the sudden in a matter of a few months, I change. Plus she has fallen out of love that quick. Don't seemed to me that she felt as strongley as I did, and that the wedding planning was paramount, and once she had that and star treatment for the day, she didn't have the wedding on her mind, and she saw the reality of the situation, she realized it wasn't the fairy tale she thought it would be. Plus her mental situation doesn't seem to help too much, although she has told me that she no longer is needed to be on medication. Add that to the fact that mommy tells her she did nothing wrong, and you have a recipie for disaster. I think this thing was doomed from the beginning. I do have good memories of her, and those are ones that i will treasure always. She was my first true "Love" and I don't think I'll ever forget her. But the situation was never healthy for either of us and now that I am moving on with my life

I take responsiblilty for my part of the situation. I drank too much, was very tempermental because of the booze. I was controlling at times, etc. But I know now that this is not all my fault, just from her words. I have done my part, and she has done hers. Now, the only thing I have to concentrate on is me. Stay sober, get my mind back together, and move on with my life. I have no doubts that I will find the one that is truly meant for me. When, I can't say, its not in my hands. But when it happens, I will be able to look back at this situation and learn from it. I am definitly not the person that I was a year ago, or even 3 months ago. I feel alive again, at least physically. Mentally, will come.

You know, I can honestly look back at the past few years and now, with a clear mind, I see all the red flags that went up. Stuff like intimacy, housework, dinner, money issues. Plus constant ridicule towards me, lack of compromise. There are so many that I can't name them all. I used to think it was all my fault. Again, some of it was, but when I get home from work, I like to talk to my gf/w about their day, and their life. That being said, its nice when I get asked the same thing. A kiss before work, and when you get home. Blah, blah, blah. I am a hopeless romantic and hope there is someone out there that appreciates being pampered, but is willing to reciprocate once in a while.

Not that I am even THINKING about dating anytime in the near future. I am still married, and after that I will have alot of emotional issues that I need to deal with, and its not fair to dump that on someone you just met,

When, I don't know; I do know that when it's time, it will happen.

Its kind of scary to even imagine that ever again. Naver was I the ladies man, the internet brought me and the wife together, and I had seen her many times before, never had the nerves to talk to her. And to imagine starting over scares the s**t outta me. I know its too early to think about that, but that's the way I am; always looking 5 moves ahead. Had I done that before this, without being in a drunken haze, I think I would've got out before it got to this point.

I am rambling now, so I apologize to anyones eyes that have been strained in the reading of this post. But as I have told others, It feels good to be able to vent semi-anoymously. So thanks for the support thus far and thanks for the support I will need in the future. I am sure that the day that the paperwork finally arrives(supposdly 3 weeks ago and waiting) that I will have one of my breakdowns. Hopefully it comes today or tommorrow while my parents are at my house, cause they are really helping me out. My mom has cleaned my house top to bottom. My dad has really done the yard up nice. I actually feel bad because I feel like they are wasting their vacation on doing housework. But they insist that everything is ok, and that's what they wanted to do. I don't know what I would do without parents like that.

I am smiling today for the time being. Thanks for reading

Me

[Lor]

Hey Me. Yeah, let your parents help. They are probably feeling pretty helpless in all this and this will make them feel better, too. Remember, you'll always be their little boy.

 

Its good that she gave you the death blow quickly instead of slow torture. It does sound like she thought marriage would make all the difference and that things would change. People are supposed to change as they grow, but it won't happen just cuz you put a ring on and say I do.

 

Dating, jeez, where does a person even start? I'm not ready either although I've been hit on a few times...can't seem to muster the feelings. There are a lot of women out there that would eat up romance from a guy. I told my H I wanted him to be more romantic, he responded that he's sent me flowers, I told him 3 times in 11 years. His response? He didn't want me to get used to it.... Romance doesn't have to be overly much, and it depends on what you classify it as--I consider holding hands romantic.

 

Vent away. Heaven knows we've all done it.

[DieselPWR]

Romance? I learned all I know from my dad. Used to be, at least once a month on payday, I would call FTD and send flowers to work. No reason, just cause. If I got out of work early, I would stop and get a single rose from the florist, go to the parking lot of her job and put it on her windshield. Not because I expected anything in return. Sometimes I didn't have the money and a small gift, a new dvd "chick flick" or other bs, because I cared about her and wanted to make her feel good.

You know, there are alot of things I did that show the real "me" I hold doors for a lady, I try to open my truck door and close it for a lady. Pull chairs out at dinner. All because of the code of chivalry, the desire to. Not because I thought opening a door was going to get me anything. Because it is the polite thing to do. I guess chivalry is dead, because it didn't seem to be appreciated all the time. Maybe it was taken for granted, but I think we all have taken people for granted. In my drinking days, I took people for granted, and did what I wanted to do. In a way, I think that is why she left, she got tired of being taken for granted. But in the same light, so was I. So, if she'd stuck around, would I have put up with the crap? Probably not for a long time. A year or so, and I would've been fed up with it. Who knows. It all goes back to coulda woulda shoulda.