Wondering aloud

[DieselPWR]

I second that Gunny, thank the Lord my case wan't like that. Hell I worked a second job, but it was for the heck of it. I liked having the extra income. Anyone that is living a Champagne life on Beer budget is in for a rude awakening. I got into that a few years back, and now with a pending divorce, my tastes have gone waaaayyy downhill. Barely payin the bills with the raise I just got. Thank the Lord I got that, or a repo man would be at my car taking it away.

Pixie, I have accepted the blame for my end of the deal, but as you said, I don't think she has. And that's fine, no one can change the way she feels. I broke down and e-mailed her to set a few things straight in a nice way, but after I clicked send, I regretted it because I know I am just asking for another nasty gram. I wish there was a way to block outgoing mail to certain accts, or at least make you wait a half hour before you send. But back to your post, I hope she finds happiness, I really do. If not with me, then with someone else. She really is a good person, deeeeep down inside that with some help could be an awesome person. I am really sorry things, didn't work out, but they didn't and I am getting over it.

Lor, see above, this whole NC thing is a trial. I did, however make an entire weekend with out e-mailing her, and kept this one very short. Basically told her to read what I had written and not what she thinks I wrote. But you bring up a good point, maybe she is hurt that I am not begging and pleading. That I am not calling, crying and driving by where she is, which I have no idea. Who knows, and really who cares. I care about her as a person, but I am not going to lower myself to being a sniviling putz; maybe a few years ago, but this whole thing has brought me a strength that at times, makes me feel like I could move a mountain. And maybe she sees that, and makes her mad, so she feels like she should try and make me mad. At this point, I am not mad. I am actually happy. I know she doesn't feel any regret for the loss of the relationship, but its the lack of dependency that I think is really getting her goat.

One day she'll realize that, and by then it will be too late. As Pixie said, I will find love that I never realized existed, because truth be told, this was my first TRUE love. Sure, had gf's before, and the marriage discussion had been thrown around. Even got close before, but never plunged. I did, and look what happened. Plunged into a pile of poo:D . No, but seriously, I will find a woman that treats me like a king, and I will treat her like a queen. We will rule our kingdom TOGETHER, sharing household chores, compromising on things, you get the picture. Someone who shows a genuine interest in me as a person, and how my day was. Someone who is not too busy to take a few minutes during lunch and give me a jingle, just to say "I'm thinking of you" or "I love you"

But I am rambling again, and need to get off here and give evryones eyes a rest/

Me

[uksurfer]

He's such a doll to me- honest, handsome, sexy, hardworking, working his dream job, loves my kids- is generous to a fault- good in bed- faithful, considerate. She was STUPID! He would have tried to work it out with her if she would have wanted to try, but I'm so glad that she didn't. Her loss has been my gain.

 

It will probably be the same story with you.

 

Probably for me, too,to be honest. In fact, your H sounds just like me.

 

Someone who is not too busy to take a few minutes during lunch and give me a jingle, just to say "I'm thinking of you" or "I love you"

 

Jeez, my wife used to do that every lunchtime. In fact, she even did it on the day that she gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech.

 

Bizarro.

[DieselPWR]

Hey man, at least you got that speech, I got nothing, I got something to the effect of I destroyed any ounce of love she ever had for me, or other really mean and brutal things. The two days she was moving out, she would lock herself in whatever room she was packing so I wouldn't come in. The funny part? When I am really down and out, pitying myself, I just read those e-mails, and I instantly feel better about the situation. I am so ready to get this overwith, to be able to sleep at nite without her on my mind. That is already happening due to her generosity of hate and discontent. I know that sounds bad, but that's the way it is. Do I still love her? Sure, you will never forget your first true love. But I am accepting the situation, as much as it sucks.

And as for what Pixie said, that's me to a tee, not sure about the in bed thing, but never had any complaints J/k

Well the handsome thing is a subjective thing. But I can say that I have lost almost 40 lbs since this thing started. The stress helped jump-start my diet, but I have found my appetite back, but far less than I used to be like. Plus the beer gut has all but dissapeared so there are positives to this whole thing. Baywatch babes, here I come.

I will be a catch for the right woman. I am getting more confident by the day, I exercise everyday, I clean house(now) and I don't drink. Heck, at my company picnic recently, I was tasked with keeping a bunch of 4-13 yr old kids occupied, me having no children. I was complemented on how well I handled all the activities, etc. I love kids, and will be greatful(someday) when I have some of my own. So, as Pixie said, her loss, will be someone's gain someday, and that person will be happy to call me "Husband" or "Dad" . That's a while away, I realize, but its ok to dream and imagine a happy life. That's how I get through the days sometimes, staying positive.

[Gunny376]

Of course Diseal! What one woman will abuse ~ another can certainly use!

 

Finding women, and inter-acting with them is nothing more than a skill-set. That's all it is. Some are natural's at it ~ or were taught by their Fathers. But, for most of us ~ its very much OJT, and trial and error. The thing is, that most men never take the time to learn that skill set.

 

I leanred mine from my "Brothers" in the Corps. I mean think about it ~ everytime you freaking turn around the Corps is picking you up and sending you somewhere ~ where you don't know anyone, there aren't any friends or relatives to set you up, what friends you have ~ Hell they don't know anyone. So you'd had better learn how to get over your shyness, and bashfullness, and in-eptitiude with women ~ or dedicate yourself to a life of celibracey.

 

I mean if you think the competition is tough in your town, try going to Camp Pendleton, or Lejeunce, or Okinawa where there are only 40,000 other guys to compete with.

 

The guy that taught me, I've seen him pick up women who didn't speak English ~ and he didn't speak their language ~ he was that good!

 

But, I should re-frame this ~ the object of a good Pick-up artist isn't to get laid, but to have a good time and to show the ladies a good time. Have some fun and some laughs. A good pick-up artist knows that while one night stands do occur ~ they're more of myth than anything else. To sleep with most women ~ you've got to earn their trust and confidence. And that takes requires and serious investment of time, effort, energy ~ and yes some money! If a man is looking for a one-night stand ~ his best bet is to go find a hooker!

 

(LOL! I admitt it! I once paid for an "classy prostitute" for the entire night!!!!! She couldn't understand that all I wanted was to touch a woman, and have a woman touch and hold me, and to hang on to me, to smile, and make me smile, to laugh, and make me laugh! She kept anticipating my wanting more ~ I told her ~ I'm married! I'm just lonely, and in need of someone's arms around me! I just wanted and needed a hug! A touch! Just to touch her hair, and to smell a woman's perfume!) I guess I'm just werid that way ~ but damn a whole year!)

 

You're 35, and what's weriding me out, is that I'm attracting women in their 20's? I'm 49. A friend of mine, that's 25 (a woman) told me that its my confidence, and youthfulness and attitude that is attracting them. I don't know about all of that? Confident? Hell yea! I did 20 years in the Marine Corps for crying out loud? I've been through one divorce, had my heart ripped from my chest, gave the XW everything worth stealing, etc ad nausesum! I've been through the blood, the mud, and the beer! And the damn manure to boot! Gone to WalMart and bought all that crap, I'd already purchase?

 

You're 35, in 35 more you'll be 70! Its time to get busy living! Life is short! In five more years you're gong to be 40 ~ and once you're 40 time flies! Get busy liviing or get busy living! Its time to take the bus to Mexico, Bro! (Shashankek Redimition)

[DieselPWR]

I ain't 35, I am 26; its some one else that you have confused with me. But no biggie. But I see what you're saying about the skill set, which is something that I need to work on when the time comes. At this point, I am staying home and recovering from my wounds. When the time comes, I will get back out there and see what I can do. I am alot more confident since I quit drinking, but I still have my character flaws to deal with. I have a thing with patience, something that I have to work on everyday. Like my present situation; I want it over with either way, and I have to wait months until its over. Emotionally, Its been over, but it still is weird and kinda not real. Divorce is one of those things that you see on Tv and think it will never happen to you. When it does, BLAM!! Like a 10 pund sledge to the skull.

But, I do need to get over the shyness, cause to be honest with you celibacy ain't really something that I can look foward to ;-)

Me

[Mz. Pixie]

WTF was her problem ~ aside from being a mental case? Oh, that's right he worked all of the time working two jobs to keep the Princess in her castle. BTDT! Worked the two jobs ~ the whole package.

 

I kept telling my XW ~

 

"You can either play now and pay later, or your can pay now and play for the rest of your life!" She never did grasp the concept of what in the Hell I was trying to tell her!"

 

"We've got to plan as though we're going to live forever, yet be prepared as though we're going to die tomorrow!" To which she responded that that was stupid and I didn't have any common sense.

 

I kept trying to fund a Contingency Fund equivalent to one years living expenses, and to fund other savings pegged for anticipiated expenses such as auto maintienance, tire replacement, insurance deductables, insurance premimums (pay annually or semi-annually and get a cheaper rate)

 

There are some men and women dwho think you're actually suppose to spend every last freaking dime that you make. They're also the one's that think you're actually are suppose to live the Beverly Hill's lifestyle working just a 40 hour week. There isn't anyway of satisfying, making these kind of people. You can't please them you can't make them happy, you can't satisfy them, and if you did ~ you don't know how in the Hell you did ~ nor how to repeat the process?

 

She's always trying to get something out of my husband's parents too because they are comfortable financially.

 

WTF?~!!!!!!!! She's got nerve ~ you've got to give her that! Either that are she's a card carrying nut case.

 

Gunny- I love you! Don't EVER leave LS!!! We get too many good men on this forum and then they leave once they get their problems sorted out! And then that leaves me, and LJ, and a few more women to kick these guys into gear!!!

 

This is terribly off topic but yeah, she's a nut case!!! They met on the internet- which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing. In their case they dated two years though- seeing each other every month. He was faithful to her and didn't see anyone else but her. She moved down to where he lived and they lived together one of those two years. Then they were planning their wedding and right before the wedding she got pregnant. They got married, moved into a new house and then the son was born with health problems- some of them congenital from her side that she wouldn't admit to.

 

She was an hour late to their wedding! Yeah, that might have been a clue!!! I don't want to be one of those women who blame everything on the ex wife because I wasn't like that when we first met. He has never bashed her. It's clear that he was hurt by her actions but he's always given her credit as their son's mother. I didn't start to really dislike her until she started this freeloading stuff. There have been two times that she's wanted to get stuff from our home for her new kids- one of them being the one she slept in the bed with my H pregnant with. He's never ever said one bad word to the OM that she's married to now. The only thing he ever said to her on the subject was that his child would never call the stepdad, DAD or she would have hell to pay. Of course, I threw a complete fit and didn't let her have the stuff.

 

When she left him she took everything from that house she wanted and signed it all over to him that was left. If she ASKED if she could have the stuff then I might have considered it but to call him and say she's stopping by to get it? Oh hell no you're not.

 

I've been in her place. The difference is, I had an affair after 13 years of begging and pleading with my H to get his head out of his ass and work on our marriage. I was very vocal about our problems. She would never tell him what the problem was and they were married a very short time. To me, the more water you have under the bridge the more that problems can wear you down but they were still newlyweds!!

 

We were talking about this last night as a matter of fact. He would work one night of the weekend and the other night she'd want to hang out with her gf's. Well he felt bad that she was home with their son the other night and he didn't mind if she went out. He trusted her. But she got to the point she wasnt' coming home at night after. I was like, "Ummm did you not suspect something?" I think he was just naive as hell!! He would even babysit her best friends kid so they could go out together. Turns out they were double dating with her friend, her husband and a friend of theirs!!!

 

He is like you were Gunny- he likes the extra income. Being a teacher is like being in the military- you're not paid enough. So, he's always supplemented his income with another job. No big deal since the other one is not long or stressful!! She was used to him doing everything though- because he used to work from home (in finance) before he became a teacher. So it put a wrench in her plans of him keeping the house clean and keeping their son all day so she could come home to everything done!!

 

Like I said, I didn't dislike her as much when we first got together because I didn't know her but the more I've gotten to know her, the worse she's acted. She can twist my MIL around her finger because MIL Is afraid she will keep the child from her. I keep telling her that hell no she won't because it pays off for her!!! She has one child out of three that doesn't cost her a penny except for food the few nights she has him. She's not going to take him away from MIL or us because that might mean she has to be responsible for something!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

"Should you have a change of heart and decide that you would like to work on our marriage, then I would be willing to work on my end"

 

This suggests that you would only be willing to work towards making positive changes IF there was some pay-off or reward.

 

Rather than holding someone hostage via emotional extortion … a better approach might be to assure her you are already taking the necessary steps towards making some changes on your own. Then go about the process of proving that by sticking to your convictions no matter what. In time, she may see for herself that you are a man of your word and be willing to join you in the process if/when she feels it's 'safe' to do so. Don't beg, don't grovel … just DO.

 

From your previous post:

 

1.If she thought the alcohol was a problem, then why didn't she take off before hand?

 

It's often difficult to gauge just how bad someone's drinking is until you actually live with them 24/7. It's easy to assume while you're dating … and just seeing each other on the weekends in social settings involving alcohol … that the drinking and/or partying is just situational and all a part of the "fun". But when you move in with someone and discover they're even getting plastered on a regular basis outside of the usual social settings … you soon realize the magnitude of the problem.

 

2. Was she truly in love with me or was she just in a "Wedding" mood?

 

I think she loved you … or the "image" she had of you … until she was god-smacked by a healthy dose of reality and realized she had married into a situation she was not equipped to handle.

 

.HOw do you put up with a person's worst and then leave just when things are getting a little better, not knowing how things are going to turn out

 

Perhaps she lost faith that things would ever get any better. This happens when someone promises you something (time and time again) and than lets you down by consistently failing to following through.

 

4.How do you fall out of love this quick, or has she been done for a while looking for a way out?

 

You don't … and she didn't. This was a gradual process (a chipping away of her trust and feelings of security) that happened over the course of your relationship. Some people are keen enough to recognize a bad situation and extricate themselves quickly … while others may hang on for years in the hope that things might eventually change.

 

5.How do I cope with this and move on. I have a hard time not thinking about her, wanting to call her(even though I haven't)

 

Stick to the program. Remain sober for you and not anybody else. It's the only way to insure that the changes you are undergoing remain permanent rather than dependant on whether or not you have a strong partner to lean on. If you can't dig down and find that strength on your own … then you'll continue to relapse. And it's not so much about letting other people down as it is about letting yourself down.

 

The payoff of following through in spite of skepticism is that it will prove you are indeed a man of your word and someone who can be counted on and taken seriously. It may or may not win you a second chance in reconciling your marriage … there are no guarantees in life. But either way, you'll end up benefiting personally in the long run.

 

Good Luck!

[DieselPWR]

I know, it was worded wrong, but she gets the idea; I have let her know that I am going to leave her alone, despite the nasty e-mail I get from her. I told her that I would be willing to work on those things that I don't know are wrong in her eyes. The booze, got it. The house, got it. Clothes on the floor, got it. You get the picture. But to expect someone to change everything about who they are, which is what she had implied, is unreasonable. I can't show her who I've become, because she is gone. Dissappeared. I have no idea if she is even in the area any more. But I am not worried about that. I have changed 180 degrees from who I was. I am moving on. If she comes around, then that's great, If not, we move on separately. I have to accept responsibility for my actions, which I have. That is why I have erased the last 5 attempts at this post, cause they were full of sniviling, and whining, and that's not what I am about any more. But I still love her, and want her to find happiness again, because that is one thing that I took from her. I took that innocent spirit and can't give it back. If she gave me a chance, I have no doubts that I could prove to her that I am the man that she fell in love with.

But its over as far as I see it, through her words and actions. She's moved on, and is done, so I don't see second chances happening. I know there are no sure things in life, and we'll see what happens. In my opinion, it's over when I sign the paperwork, cause there is always that 1% chance that she will want to see who or what has come of me.

Its in God's hands now, and I must have the patience to let his will be done.

Me

[Lor]

But I still love her, and want her to find happiness again, because that is one thing that I took from her. I took that innocent spirit and can't give it back.

 

Whoa! Whoa! No, don't you dare! You didn't take her happiness from her--only she can do that. Cripes, that like you saying she caused you to drink! You still want to try? You still love her? Fine, but don't start cannonizing her. SHE left YOU, not the other way around. Maybe she did leave because of the drinking but you're not doing that anymore. So that's not an excuse now. She was your slave but you've learned how to help out. So that's not an excuse. You can get mad at me for saying it if you want but I won't sit here and listen to you blame youself for EVERYTHING.

 

Enigma had good, valid points all the way around. Don't start beating yourself up again over could have, would have's. The common point is to focus on yourself and your healing, not how to heal her. As you said, she's gone and she broke the contact with you. If she comes back, make sure you are fully healed before you re-establish anything.

 

Sorry if this is coming on to strong.

[Mz. Pixie]

Whoa! Whoa! No, don't you dare! You didn't take her happiness from her--only she can do that. Cripes, that like you saying she caused you to drink! You still want to try? You still love her? Fine, but don't start cannonizing her. SHE left YOU, not the other way around. Maybe she did leave because of the drinking but you're not doing that anymore. So that's not an excuse now. She was your slave but you've learned how to help out. So that's not an excuse. You can get mad at me for saying it if you want but I won't sit here and listen to you blame youself for EVERYTHING.

 

 

Sorry if this is coming on to strong.

 

Lor is right on on this comment.

 

Often times it's hard to believe that someone is really changed- perhaps she's having that problem??

[DieselPWR]

Thanks Lor,

Not too strong at all, in fact, I needed that slap in the face, when I wrote that I was having one of my poor me moments, and maybe thats what needed to be said to get me out of it. It was a temporary thing. I don't know why I wrote that and regret even looking at it. That was one of those things that I have to work on: thinking before I speak or in this case post.

No, I didn't take happiness from her. Honestly, as my head clears up from many years of weekend partying, I can look back and see alot of "Red" flags, if you will. I looked past them then, and even now they don't really bother me. I guess the worst part of it is, I know that she is lying to people about me. I know that I can't control that, but it still irks me to know that all these people think I am a total a-hole and that bothers me. I know it shouldn't but it still does.

I am not taking responsibility for it all. I have said that before, and will say it again. What I did played a part, maybe a bigger part than her quirks. But the simple fact of the matter is that like you said, she left me, and not the only way around. I have been made out to be the evil tyrant that drank all the time, never did anything constructive with my time. She is making me out to be the bad guy, and sometimes I tend to believe it, but I have to get myself out of that mold. Most of the times I am ok, but I have my moments where I blame myself. I know that its not true, but when you suddenly have a WHOLE lot more freetime on your hands, your mind plays tricks on you. I don't know if that part is normal, but it sure is in my mind. I have to re-read old e-mails, or think back to old conversations to get myself out of that funk.

BTW, still NC from her end, as of this post. I don't think she'll write back. In fact, I hope she doesn't; cause at this point I have said what I had to say, and don't want to read the BS I know she'll write. If she keeps writing, its just cause she's trying to get me to blow up, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, not gonna happen.

I just want to brag about something, if I may. 50, yeah that's right 5-0 without a drop! I didn't realize it had gone that quick, but it has. If I can do it in this situation, I can do ANYTHING!! I can;t let my guard down, cause that's when it sneaks up on ya. I have to keep doing what I am doing, and get myself healed. I actually got through a day today, without breaking down.

Again, thanks to all of you that post. I know that if I read something that I don't like, more than likely I deserve it, and it will help me in the long run. Lor, you have no idea how much you have helped me. You are caring, and compassionate when needed, but you have no quams about sticking a boot in my butt when I deserve it. You are a friend that I will always remember, long after we part ways. But you know, I think I will be around for a while, cause I think that my trials and tribulations may be of help someday.

Thanks all

Me

[DieselPWR]

Lor is right on on this comment.

 

Often times it's hard to believe that someone is really changed- perhaps she's having that problem??

Pixie, I'll be honest with you, I believe that is her thinking. That once a drunk, always a drunk. And that's unfortunate, cause I know I've changed. People at work are admiring my weight loss, and muscle gain:o and they have noticed a change in my personality. They know the situation, and don't bother me about it.

Bottom line is this: there is no way for her to know whether or not I've changed in the way she is thinking now. She's moved out, hasn't been seen, and I am not going to go and show off to her. "Look at me!!" The only way that she will know that I've changed is if she sees for herself. Or if she calls me and has a conversation with me. And maybe that day will come, but I am not holding my breath any more. I have cried a bunch of tears, both in front of her while she left and after. I will ve around to the end, but I am not attempting to control what I can't control.

[Gunny376]

My X said she was going to tell the Corps about my drinking problem! I told her, "Go ahead!" She asked me, "Why, would I say that?" I told her azz, "Because you're acting single, and I'm drinking doubles!"

 

Actually it was so I could just sleep~ otherwise I would go days without sleep. And, I mean days upon days! It was because I was afraid to go asleep, and dream those dreams. Re-live that life that I had lived?

 

As Ilmw reveled to me ~ hyper-attentiveness. Man was I ever so that? I just didn't know? I just didn't know?

 

The PTSD, I just didn't know what it would do to me? How it would affect me? What it would do to me? How it would affect me:? Hindsight is 20/20.

[Lor]

Lor, you have no idea how much you have helped me. You are caring, and compassionate when needed, but you have no quams about sticking a boot in my butt when I deserve it. You are a friend that I will always remember, long after we part ways. But you know, I think I will be around for a while, cause I think that my trials and tribulations may be of help someday.

Thanks all

Me

 

aw.... you are too sweet.

 

We all have good days and bad, you know that. Mine was a little bitter yesterday since I gave H the D papers and he was more concerned about the money I figured up he owed me in the settlement. Hence the attitude. I was actually wishing I could call someone from LS that night to help me thru....still no internet at the house only at work. This place is my AA.

 

50 days since you last had a drink?? Suppose its not pc to say "Party Time!":bunny: :bunny: What a comeback! Only 26, lost 40 lbs and counting....honey, if only I was younger or you were older. JK. Believe it or not, you are an inspiration to me on here, with how far you've come in such a short amount of time. You and so many others. I honestly think it takes [some] women longer to sort thru their emotions and deal with reality than men. Although not in my stbxH's case. You keep working on yourself and someone will reap the benefits from it cuz you've got so much to offer. A man who loves ferrets, cleans house, and does his own laundry? They'd think they'd won the lottery.

 

Like I'd said, Enigma had very good points. Were you living together before getting married? If so, then she knew your lifestyle before the wedding. Without actually knowing her, its hard to gage what she was feeling at the time, that she could change you or whatever. The nasty emails are due to being hurt but its hard to tell why since she's the one who left and you have made so many changes. You'd think she'd be happy, victorious, and wanting to work on things. Why be mean if you don't care at all, that's what I don't understand. But I know there are women out there that are like that. Possibly her slamming you to people is her way of trying to make herself look better instead of the "bad guy" for leaving someone who's turned his whole life around. That's a self-centered attitude; "no no, look at me, I'm the one you should feel sorry for, not him!"

 

On a side note, SnowShoe is the one I was checking out. May have to try that this winter--I love to ski, even with a former broken ankle. Come visit while I'm there; you can drink hot toddies in the bar and check out the snow bunnies while I have "Hans" teach me to ski. :lmao: Ferris escaped the house the other day but, when my 8 yr old open the door for what he thought was the cat last night, it was actually the little wanderer. Never so happy to see him! We'd been out looking for him in 95+ weather! I was so worried!

[DieselPWR]

Ahh , so you're on LS at work? Shame on you:p Same here tho, I don't have any projects on my desk this week, so I have had alot of time on my hands, and that can be a real bad thing.

But, you know, party time can be without booze, I think I am gonna go to my fav resteraunt tonite, and eat some Hot Wings, drink some diet coke, and hang out. Something I haven't done in a while, and I think I deserve it. I have to go out for a few hours tonite anyways, cause some friends of hers are coming by my house, to get a few things of hers that I am leaving on the back porch. I know that she will not be there, but don't want to take that chance. I told her that I couldn't stand seeing her at this point, mainly due to her feelings towards me. She basically argreed that she had no desires to see me, but for different reasons. Personally, I don't think she wants to face me, because she somehow knows that she is in the wrong. And she has never been one to admit wrong. But that is my opnion, and never can be proven.

We may be too out of age range, but if you know someone....

But as for her, I have no idea what she is thinking, nor do I really care. There are so many unanswered questions that I have, that I know I will never have, so I am forced to let them go. She isn't completly happy with her decision, I don't think. I think that she thinks she is content with her decision, but the e-mails tell a different story. She is trying to make me angry, so that she can feel like she is completly right. And, unfortunately for her, that isn't going to happen. But after I sent the last one back, I highly doubt I will recieve a response unless she decides to keep this thing going, which I don't think will happen. She has seen that she isn't getting to me, so I think she'll give up. I have a new found peace with this situation. The serenity prayer that I say everyday is my rock, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I must say that a bunch of times a day. I know now that I can change myself, and thats it, the rest I must learn to accept. I feel bad sometimes that she has to try and get attention, but as I have said before, it was always about her "Look at me, I 'm getting married" , "Look at me, I don't feel good" When things wern't going her way, she would have a phantom illness, so that attention would shift to her. I fell for it alot, and now know that was her way of diverting attention from the situation. Yes, we lived together, so she knew who I was, so she knew what she was getting into , but she thought that she could change me to suit her. When she saw that she couldn't, well.....

Snowshoe could be a possibility, If i have the $$ at the time, cause right now, I am barely paying my rent, with just enough to buy a carton of cigarettes, a case of soda, and some food to get me by. I don't go out, cause I can't afford it. The only social contact I have right now is going to meetings, and work. So a short trip would probably be good should I have the $$. Snow bunnies are a definite plus, not sure about the bar. I could sit by the fire and drink pot after pot of black coffee. Plus who knows, maybe I'll try and ski and bust my butt on the bunny hill ;-)

Thanks for the words of encouragement, its kind words along with a boot in the butt once in a while that have gotten me as far as I have in this time. But, I don't think its a matter of gender that determines how fast you heal. I think its the mindset of the person. I have always gotten what I needed in life, most of what I wanted. I don't mean that in a selfish, self-centered way. I mean that I can do anything that I put my mind to. And I am determined to be strong through this; to stay sober, and get on with my life, with or without her. Cause I know that whoever I am with in the future will be thrilled to have a man that is like me. Her loss will be someone's gain.

[Lor]

Ahh , so you're on LS at work? Shame on you:p

 

Shhh!!!!

 

Same here tho, I don't have any projects on my desk this week, so I have had alot of time on my hands, and that can be a real bad thing.

 

I have too many projects on mine. I'm a design technician which really is only a glorified name for a drafter. But hey, it pays the bills.

 

Good for you for going out. I usually try and go out to eat by myself once during the weeks I don't have my kids. I might just watch tv or read a book while I'm there but to me it feels like an accomplishment on my progress. I even made myself go to the same restaurant H took me to for my last b-day, which ended in total disaster. That helped purge the negative feelings towards the place.

 

No, she won't show tonight. But maybe you should?....greet them warmly at the door, holding a Diet Coke, wearing a muscle hugging t-shirt, invite them in to your sparkling clean home You can bet she's going to be asking them if they saw or talked to you and just think what the report would be. I find vindictive, hateful people hard to understand.

 

Oh duh on the hot toddy comment. :o Sounds like a maybe plan. Just don't ask me to teach you how to ski. I never really learned, a childhood friend took me out on the slopes and did the "if you start heading for a tree, turn" method of teaching. But I was a natural and can't teach anyone anything cuz I don't know how I do it myself. If you can't make it I'll take pics of the snow bunnies for you. If I can tear myself away from "Hans".

[DieselPWR]

Nah, I have to go to one of my meetings tonite, I told her that I would not be there, so I would feel like a liar if she did decide to ride with them. But you can bet that all my shades will be open, so that whoever is there will see that my house is sparkling clean. I have to vacumn when I get home and pick a few things up. So, they will be able to look into my house and be able to go back to my Wife and tell her that my house is spotless. That should be enough to at least raise an eyebrow.

Snow bunnies should be enough to at least get me out of the house. Plus I haven't driven my 4x4 in the mountains yet. heh heh heh.

Me

[DieselPWR]

Aight ya'll(with a thick southern drawl)

Just wanted to give you what little update I have at this point and a concern that I have.

The update??? Nothing new actually. E-mailed her monday, and no response. I don't think I'll get one, because I think we've both made our feelings quite clear, me in a civil, non-accusatory way, and hers in a mean and hurtfull way, so pretty much NC at this point. I had recieved the separation paperwork last thurs, but her lawyer has mad some mistakes, so I am waiting on the revision to show up before I sign. The last of her stuff went on wed, I left the stuff outside, and someone came by the house to get it and left a few boxes of stuff that she had accidentally packed when she left. At this point now, its pretty much a waiting game. We both have all our stuff back, execpt for stuff she aint giving back, and its not worth fighting over.

Now, to my concern. Call me paranoid, or whatever. But since she has left, I have noticed a few different cars cruising by my house, slowing down and driving off. There is no set time, but its at least once every few days. I have gotten license plates off of one of them, plus descriptions, but I have only seen that one once. Then, wed nite, when I was alseep, about 10:30pm, my neighbor was outside smoking a cigarette and saw a car sitting next to my house, engine running, lights out. She saw two individuals in the car, but couldn't get descriptions. When they smelled her cigarette smoke, the lights came on and the bolted out of the neighborhood. She also told me that she saw my W's car cruising by the house when I was vacation. I have also heard my W's car (I am a car mechanic and typically know a car's "sound" I have worked on that car many times, and know the ticks, and groans) cruise by a few times in the last few weeks. This is also the same weekend that her brother is visiting her this weekend. Her brother had threatened me, at the beginning of this whole thing. Maybe I am being paranoid, but this is kinda weirding me out. I don't mean that I am scared, afraid for my life. I was an armed security officer for 3 years, with alot of training, so I know home defense laws, and self defense. That's not a problem, plus my wife knows that there are firearms in my home, and I know how to use them. No, I am not a cop, I was a rent-a-cop, but worked very closely with law enforcement officers, and they treated me as one of their own, giving me tips, let me know certain laws, etc.

Am I being paranoid, or should there be something to worry about. I have left her alone, save for e-mails when the need arises. I haven't contacted her family, friends, etc. I am staying to myself, working on improving my life and healing my heart. I have no idea where she lives, although the meeting I go to I have seen her car driving on the same road a few times.

I feel like I am being ultra-paranoid. Heck, the car in front of my house could've got lost, but the timing is extremely weird.

Anyone have anything similar happen to them. I know that keeping an eye on me, is not necessairly illegal, but I don't know who's keeping an eye on my house.

Me:)

[ilmw]

If you feel concerned, because this keeps happening.. start logging the times and vehicles in a note pad. If a pattern shows up...there could be something to it.

 

Hell.. where I work..people call in suspicious vehicle all the time.. our people go over and speak with the drivers and 99.9% of the time it is nothing.. boyfriend dropping of girlfriend.. like you said "lost", sometimes it is a PI watching someone...

 

Because you are thinking it.. maybe do this...

 

What are the criminal harrasment laws like where you live?

 

Don't jump the gun.. just make yourself aware.

 

There yah go... my 2 cents:cool:

[DieselPWR]

Thanks for the info,

I will start the log of stuff, I am not overly concerned, cause i don't think that she gives enough of a S**t to have me watched. A PI in my area costs anywhere from 1500-2000 dollars retainer at 60 bucks an hour. She would be wasting her money, which she doesn't have alot of.

I just hope she ain't thinking something stupid; cause at this point, someone shows up at my house, and I find out she's behind it, I will be calling the law. My neighbors know that she is not to be on the property without my knowledge, and keep an eye out for her.

Thanks for the advice, It's the 99.9% thing that is calming me down; seems like since I quit drinking, I notice EVERYTHING around me, and maybe that's what is happening.

To be honest with you, I need to get more info on the harrassment laws; I worked 45 min away in a different county, so I am not sure of harrassment laws. I worked at a factory, so that didn't come up.

[ilmw]

Hi again,

 

Good...re: drinking is bad..Ok.

Its amazing once that when you wake up.. out of the haze you get yourself into.. how every thing looks a little different.

 

Re: PI... I kinda ment ...PIs in the area for others... I have run into them on countles occassions doing investigations re : injured employee claims.. lot of scamming slackers out there...

 

Re: harrasment laws.. a quick call to your local PD should get you the basics...

 

Just to let you know... my experiecne is based on Canadian Criminal Code (Ontario), but I have found that there is a commonality in laws across North America..most of which is based on common sence.. (well most if it is)

 

Have the most fun you can muster!

ilmw

[DieselPWR]

Well, here's your weekly update;

Strictly NC on my part. I had last contacted her a little over a week ago, and I thought that she had had enough of the bantering on her part. She had been sending nasty grams for a few weeks, trying to provoke me. When she saw that it wasn't working, she gave up, so I thought. Then the other nite, out of no where I get another e-mail asking about paperwork from the lawyer, which he had said that he had not recieved nor had he heard from me. I told her that I had recieved it a while back, that it was incorrect and I contacted him, and that I was waiting to get the new one, have my attorney review it, then sign and return.

She fired back an e-mail, getting pretty nasty AGAIN, basically pushing the issue of getting everything signed quickly, and get this over with. She is in such a hurry that she is starting to get impatient. But here's the caviet; she is calling her attorney and changing things in the agreement that I had asked her about. Not to get in details, but things that we had agreed on before the paperwork, she has decided to change. I got a lecture about "doing the right thing" and something about honor. That got a laugh out of me, since nothing that she has done thus far has been anything close to honorable; she left with no real reason, blaming me for the entire thing. Left me with all the bills, and lets not forget that she made 1 attempt at "Working it out" 1 marriage counsling and she took off; personally I think that she was just doing that to keep me placated while she planned her out. Fine with me at this point, I don't need that kind of drama in my life right now. Part of me thinks that she already had something lined up before she left, and was just looking for an excuse so that she could justify it.

She refuses to discuss the problems that occured, saying there is not sense in re-visiting the past. Sounds good right? Wrong; all the time, she had blamed me for everything, while denying any part in the demise in the sham that was a "Marriage" Becoming had asked me early on if it was "Marriage", and at that point I thought it was. But now, I see different; it was a marriage in a legal sense, but nothing that she swore before God had been honored. I tried my best, even up to a week ago, to do what I could do in order to make my end work, and to tell her that I still believed that we could work it out if she so desired. But she has been adimant on saying there is not chance, so give up and move on. The hope thing has been gone, I just left the option open, without expecting a thing.

Honestly, at her best attempts to p**s me off, she is doing quite the opposite. She is helping me let go, and honestly makes me wonder why I didn't see this side of her before we got married. This is completely out of her character, a side I never knew existed. Sure, she was controlling, manipulative, and generally cold, but since this was my first time living with a woman long term, I just figured that was a woman in general. Not to be-little women, but when you hear it for so long, you believe it. I know now, through this forum and interactions with others, that is not the case. She was truly an exception, but I looked past alot of these things because I was smitten with her, "Love" had blinded me, and now I see clearly. This was not healthy for me, my sanity, and now that I am sober, I honestly don't know that I would've been able to live like that.

I am finding a new peace being alone for the time being, finding who I really am. I have been busy catching up on some projects that I had neglected because of my past abuse with booze; I now have alot more time on my hands to do whatever it is that I want. What I want, and what I can afford though are different stories altogether. I put a months worth of groceries on a credit card that is already over the limit; but, it was the only way that I was going to have food in the house.

But I am feeling a thousand times better than I did at the beginning. It is in large part to you guys, giving me the much needed boost and boot in the butt when I need it. I am not sure what the future holds at this point, but the only way to go is up and on. I can live without her, as I have found out in the last few months. I don't need her to be happy, and to feel satisfied; I miss her sometimes, but when I think of how she has turned everything around to suit her, I realize that it wasn't a healthy situation I was in. At least there are no children to get in the way. I know that she was brought into my life for a reason, and I am seeing now that the reason was not what I had thought. I think she was in my life to help me save myself from my worst enemy: me!

Sorry its long, I just haven't written in a while, and had to get a few things off my chest.

[Lor]

Glad to hear that you are feeling up instead of down.

 

Sounds like any contact with you is going to rip her into a rage. Hopefully you get this resolved soon so you can really move on.

 

How many days now and how much weight? Stress is the best diet. Although in my case, not. I weighed in at the dr today at about 118--most of which is now muscle due to the house. But that's up from 110 so I'm feeling pretty good about it. I look at food and my metabolism burns higher. Yeah, yeah, don't complain, I've heard it from everyone. But a low body weight can lead to sickness, bad hair and skin, and not to mention never finding your size in clothes.

 

Keep keeping your chin up and flexing those new found muscles. Keep the positive attitude too and don't let her get you down. :bunny:

[DieselPWR]

Yeah, I have been moving on, going to my attorney today and getting the separation agreement reviewed and I will sign it and return to her attorney's office today. I am on my way out the door as we speak.

I am truly much better that I was; I feel better, my appetite is coming back, but I am keeping that in check. No booze, I feel awesome. I have been in the gym 5 days a week; and my upper body is starting to show it. Bi's, tri's, and pecs are starting to show some definition, and it feels aweseome to be able to look in a mirror and smile about what I look like

As for contact, once I sign this and it's official, I am leaving her alone completely. She has her vision of what happened, as delusional as it may be. So, I see now that there is NO getting anywhere with her. She has her mind made up, and she is following through with it. Oh well. Too bad, so sad. I'm done, and finished with her. I love her and want her to be happy, whatever it is that makes her happy is fine with me. I do love her enough to let her go; no sense on us being miserable.

Almost 42 lbs, and I am now at 60+ days; I have been so busy to keep count.

118 is awesome, and if you want to gain some weight, I am sure you can. I wish I had a metabolism that worked as fast as yours. Good thing its muscle. Some guy will be really lucky someday to find such a strong, hardworking lady.

I gotta roll and get to the attorney.

Peace, love, and afrogrease

Me ;-)

[Lor]

Fill us in on how it goes. And, can you give MagicBozo some hints on romance? You're the inventive one and I've never been on the receiving end (oh, poor me) so I don't know quite what to recommend.

 

118 would be awesome if I was only 5'......at 5'-6" I have people ask me if I'm anorexic. There are a few places I would like it to go other than just muscle. 42 lbs.....sounds like pounds aren't the only thing you've shed and it's peace that you've gained.

 

60 days!! :bunny: :bunny:

 

That's great that you are starting to lose count! Means its not forefront in your mind.

 

wanna tackle smoking next? :lmao: naw, me neither right now.