Wondering aloud

[DieselPWR]

Lor,

That's sad that a lady such as yourself hasn't been treated as such. It's a shame when someone takes for granted someone special in their lives(myself included:o ) Like you said, if we were only closer in age.

I will give him a few hints, nothing special to it really; there are different things that different ladies enjoy. I thought I had mine all figured out; as much as you can figure out a woman anyway (no disrespect intented ladies) I will help out however I can. Boy, was I wrong. She has shown her true colors now, and they ain't red, white, and blue.

 

As far as the days go, you're right; its not on the forefront of my mind as far as wanting a drink. But, I do have to think about my situation everyday, and know that I can never let my guard down. That's when it'll sneak up on ya, and belt you right in the kisser<BAM>. Like I say at my meetings, I know I have another drunk left in me, but I don't know if there's another recovery there, so I am concentrating on that second chance that I have gotten. I am so much happier than I ever was when I was drunk, stupid, and puking. I cannot fathom how I could do that to myself, and my W, and still defend it. I was in denial, and it took something catasrophic in my life to get me where I am today. As I've said before, I regret what I have done to screw my end of the marriage up, but I do not regret getting married. It taught me some valuable things; like take warning signs seriously, and not let the "Love Bug" blind you. If I would've done that, maybe I wouldn't have done what I did. But, I did, and I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I am using my past to learn from, and use it to my advantage in the future. I know that the person I am meant to live with forever is out there, and will happen when I least expect it to. So, by concentrating on bettering my life, everything will begin to fall into place for me.

Quitting smoking? Not a chance in that hot place that rhymes with Bell:D . I am tackling one vice at a time. Once I have a little time straight, I plan on quitting. I feel bad for Marlboro tho; I think I pay at least one worker's salary in how much I smoke. It's the replacement for always having a drink in my hand. Between Nicotine, and Caffeine, that's what I have right now.

Eventually, though, I am going to try and cut back at least. I am up to pack and a half, almost two sometimes on the weekend. I smoked less when I used to drink.

Have to wait to see my attorney till this afternoon. He does walk ins on Thurs, no appts, and starts at 2pm; I have to be there by 1pm, to get a spot in line. Once he gives me the ok, I will sign the papers, drop em off at her attorney's (if that's what you want to call him, very questionable fellow; works out of a strip mall in a bad section of town. Probably all she could afford, but it's a simple, uncontested divorce so doesn't matter much to me. Mine is really affordable, and is very highly recommended. I am only paying him to review and advise at this point; he doesn't seem to think that I need to hire him to go to court, cause this ain't going to court) and be done with the whole deal until the big "D" comes. Strictly NC from my end; I have nothing left to say, she knows where I am and how to get in touch with me, but I know that she won't She is done with the marriage, and has seen that the nasty grams are not getting to me, so I think she's given up on the whole situation. Good for her, and great for me. No more worrying about if she's coming back, no more worrying about if she is happy, sad, sick, etc. No more tiptoeing around subject to avoid confrontation. Get the picture? :bunny:

 

But on a lighter note, I am actually getting out of the house this weekend.

I called the local morning radio show and was supposed to be on the air about a certain subject; they forgot about me and left me on hold for 30 min:mad: When the guy that man's the phones picked up, he told me that they had run out of time, and couldn't put me on the air. Well, I asked him for some stuff for my trouble. Told me that he didn't really have anything. I asked him about some concert tickets. Told me that he didn't have any. I said, "C'mon man, my wife left me two months ago after a few months of marriage. Haven't been out of the house except to go to work, i just need a little recreation" He said that he felt my pain, cause he was divorced, and he gave me two tix to see Poison and Cinderella this weekend. NOt sure of the day, but will find out. It's funny tho, when I was in high school in the late 90's , I HATED Posion, and hair-metal in general. But as I have grown older, and heard some of the crap they call music these days, I have really gotten into "Hair" bands. A little before my time, but I always felt that I was born at the wrong time; had a Camaro in high school, long hair, and Ozzy blaring on my stereo with the T-Tops off!!!

Oh well, hope your day goes good.

Me

[Lor]

...when I was in high school in the late 90's......

 

A little before my time, but I always felt that I was born at the wrong time; had a Camaro in high school, long hair, and Ozzy blaring on my stereo with the T-Tops off!!!

 

OMG do I feel old! I was HS in the late 80's. Big Hair bands were soooo hot!! Although I think Jon Bon Jovi looks better now than then. I still have a tape of Cinderella, tried to get my 16yo to listen to it but he wasn't too interested. Funny, he does blare Ozzy though, loves G'nR, AC/DC and I've given him Aerosmith to appreciate. Never got into Poison all that much but they're not bad. Good job on the tix with the pity party at least you get something out of this. Dated a guy with T-tops once....hmmmm....memory lane.

 

I can't believe you smoke more now than when you drank. I go thru 2 packs easy when I'm drinking--one right after the other. Now I'm at about a pack a day. When things get done I'm planning on trying to quit again. This time I mean it though. I'm gonna start skiing 2-3-4 times a week in the winter when I don't have my kids and probably join the gym here at work. Why not? I live here anyway.

 

I was supposed to file my papers yesterday but ran out of time to get back to work after the dr appt. I go back in 2 weeks so I will definitely do it then. Subconsciously maybe I was puting it off but....tomorrow is tomorrow and the day after that is tomorrow....and if you keep puting off what you can do tomorrow it will never get done.

 

I am so proud of you on the drinking. :bunny: :bunny: You're too young to filter thru life like that. My dad died @ 57 from drinking back in '95. He had a massive stroke and passed away 2 weeks later from another. Even when he was sober he smelled like whiskey. Did it make me love him any less? No, never, but it changed him alot. I still miss him.

 

gotta run and get back to work (before I get caught on here again...)

[Lor]

Lor,

That's sad that a lady such as yourself hasn't been treated as such. It's a shame when someone takes for granted someone special in their lives(myself included:o ) Like you said, if we were only closer in age.

 

Oh well, hope your day goes good.

Me

 

...ps....thanks for that. Now I am. You always make me smile which makes every day easier.

[DieselPWR]

Quite welcome; a smile is something that always makes you feel better. I remember when I was feeling like real crap, If I forced myself to at least smile, I would feel a little better. Same goes here for the smile part; I usually can get something out of what you say on whatever you post. There are insights into the female mind that blow me away. I just wish I had found LS 6-8 months ago. I would have been in much better shape. But live and learn, that's what I say.

I look at it this way, every day above ground is a good day. There are days when I don't believe it, but if I pray and meditate, I can usually see the truth. Hang in there, you will get through this. If you look back in my posts, you'll know what one of my fav movies is: "Backdraft"at the end the best quote is "If You go, We Go" and that's the truth. We are all in this, albeit from different situations, but a similar outcome: pain, and hope. Sounds funny don't it. How can you get hope out of such Hell? I will tell you when I know the exact answer, but I do know its true. There is another movie that I love. "Runaway Train" with John Voight. If you've never watched it, I recommend it. Excellent example of one man against all odds. He said "What don't kill me, makes me stronger" I know its been said before, but its the dang truth. I ain't gonna let this kill me, quite the opposite, I am ALIVE for the first time in a LOOONGG time.

You're doing great, and will be a much better person at the end.

Me

[Lor]

I just wish I had found LS 6-8 months ago. I would have been in much better shape.

 

You and me both. I could have used it about 11 months ago. But in this rollercoaster ride from heck, I've learned so much. A lot of it I didn't want to have to learn. But we've both gotten insight into people we thought we knew and I've learned what love is and what it isn't. I've also become jaded though and tend not to trust people, especially men. And its not their fault; its mine.

 

I will apologize in advance for my strange sense of humor but here are some of my favorite movie quotes:

Aliens: Game over man... Game over!

 

Aliens: Allright, sweethearts, you heard the man and you know the drill! A**holes and elbows!

 

The 5th Element: Aaaaggghh (when Ruby Rhod is screaming while Korben Dallas shoots the floor out around him)

 

Army of Darkness: Gimme some sugar, baby.

 

Army of Darkness: Now listen up, you primitive screwheads. See this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You *got* that?

 

Mars Attacks: [as the chandelier is falling on the First Lady] The Nancy Reagan chandelier!

 

Mars Attacks: Don't run, we are your friends.

[Gunny376]

 

Aliens: Game over man... Game over!

 

Aliens: Allright, sweethearts, you heard the man and you know the drill! A**holes and elbows!

 

In the movie you're refering to, those guys you're refering to were based upon Marines. The first time I heard "Azzholes and elbows" and "You know the drill" was in bootcamp at Parris Island.

 

Per the same movie, the guy looks at the Company Rep and says, "In case you've not noticed we've just got our azz's handed to us!" That's how my separation and divorce felt to me. As a matter of fact, I dubbed a tape of country sounds, and printed off a cassette case cover entitled "Here Your Azz" she said as she walked out the door. Some of the songs were:

 

Vince Gill: "When I Call Your Name"

George Jones: "If Drinking Don't Kill Me"

Keith Whitney: I'm No Stranger To The Rain"

Skip Ewing: "The Dotted Line"

Skip Ewing: "It Never Would Have Worked Out"

Ray Charles: "Alimony and Child Support"

[DieselPWR]

I think that my willingness to trust bit in me in the "Azz" as Gunny Calls it. Used to be, I trusted everyone at face value, if they said it, it was true and I didn't question it. It was never a real male/female thing. One thing I have learned is not to be as forthcoming with my trust. At this point, people have to earn my trust, which is not as easy anymore. I know that I will be able to trust again, but it will be there someday.

Speaking of country music, I am not sure the artist, but the chrous goes "If you're going through hell, keep on goin. Don't look back; if you're scared, don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows your there" Theme of my life at this point. I do show my fear, but I am learning to harness fear. A favorite movie quite comes from Point Break, with Swayze and Reeves when they are getting ready to jump out of the plane, "Fear Causes hesitation; hesitation causes your worst fears to come true." Hell yeah!

Me

[Gunny376]

That's me whamming, slamming you by the collar up against the wall Mafia style, and slapping you back and forth across the face! What is wrong with you?

 

Listening to Country Music?

 

That stuff is just enough to send you over the edge~!

 

Its hinders your progress, and recovery!

 

Get yourself some "moto" music, and play it loud! (Moto = motivational) Rock, Jock Rock, Rap, get pumped up about your life!

 

The song you mention is a good one, but right behind it, they're going to play one that's going to send you back to that "place"

 

Gunnyism: Like hasn't got a damn thing to do with nothing! Its doesn't mean a damn thing! You don't have to like it ~ you've just got to do it! Just that damn easy! Just that damn simple! The time to get real about your life is right here and now!

[DieselPWR]

gunny,

you're right, but I listen to the rock station most of the time, only time I stop on the country station is if I hear that song. Usually its a 5pm, the station I listen to has a 5 o'clock "Happy Hour" when all they play is stuff that is NOT slow, sad, or weepy just the crap I don't need to hear;

I am an old school metal head, who loves a good rocking! Going to see Poison and Cinderella this weekend with my old man, who you may know is a 1971-73 Leatherneck. I have in my CD player right now, a Swedish metal band called Hammerfall that makes Iron maiden sound like Winger. Great stuff; when I start to get down, I put some fast, loud speed metal on and bang my head and get my azz up again.

[Gunny376]

on you! You're allowed one and only one pity party per divorce! That's it! No more! That's it! One and only one! No more! You want another, then get married again!

[DieselPWR]

on you! You're allowed one and only one pity party per divorce! That's it! No more! That's it! One and only one! No more! You want another, then get married again!

SIR, YES, SIR.

thanks for the DI Gunny thing! No matter what, you shed an insight that all should envy. Now, about dropping and giving you twenty....I only have a five and four ones in my wallet. I'll owe ya.

But, today is a good day; I have not been thinking about the situation, my dad is here and we are going to a concert tonite. Good times will be had by all. He doesn't drink either, so we can enjoy it without John Barleycorn putting his spin on things.

But, I will get married again, down the road. Not soon, but I don't particulary care for the single life, chasing women, etc. Not my style.

Hell, I sat on the pity potty for so long, I had "Ring around the AZZ" syndrome.

[DieselPWR]

Hey all,

Kind of an update on how I am doing. Mainly because there isn't much else to say on the big D front. Haven't heard from her in almost a month, no phone calls, and no nasty e-mails. Good thing, she has seen that she is not going to anger me. I signed the separation paperwork 3 weeks ago, waiting for my copy in the mail. Funny thing tho; the paralegal told me that she didn't think my W was running the show in this whole thing on her own. I asked what she meant, and she was pretty vague, but said there seemed to be "Family" involved. I know what that meant, my MIL is doing her thing.

Life is grand in general tho. I spent the entire weekend getting outside in the garage, getting dirty and turning wrenches. Talked to some folks on the phone, and even went to the local track on sat to watch the "Good Ol boys" drive race cars. Good weekend. The only thing that seems to bite me in the azz is the lonlieness. Not missing my W, but waking up to a quiet house, no one is there, and I know that no one is gonna be there. I don't have enough $$ to go out; my finances are worse than my brain at the point. You know its like: "Damn, how bored am I gonna get today" Boredom does lead to good things tho, cut my grass, cleaned my house, blah blah blah. Worked on my car for many hours and started to clean my garage. Funny how my garage always used to be cleaner than my house. Even funnier that i "Never did anything around the house" Yard was nice, garage was clean, and house wasn't. But I digress.

Anyways, I am feeling awesome, except for the boredom/lonliness, but in general I am good. I am planning on breaking out my camping gear and doing some camping when it cools down a little.

Gotta run and do some work, I will be on later or tommorrow

Me

[Paysh]

Good on ya for the no drinking, man. It played a part in my upcoming divorce too. Sober almost 2 months now. But I'm the same as you, used to smoke 5 smokes a day, now a pack and a half a day and a boatload of coke zero.

 

And it is surprising how much you get done when you're not half-cut!

[DieselPWR]

Good on ya for the no drinking, man. It played a part in my upcoming divorce too. Sober almost 2 months now. But I'm the same as you, used to smoke 5 smokes a day, now a pack and a half a day and a boatload of coke zero.

 

And it is surprising how much you get done when you're not half-cut!

Same here, I have almost 90 days (79-83 somewhere) and I can tell you that I have gotten more done in the last three months than the whole time I was with my stbXW. Half-cut, full cut, don't matter, made my life hell, and now its getting better. But the smoking and caffeine are taking hold ;-) Almost a case of diet pepsi every other day, and pack and a half. Yup, been there done that. But life is good, I am alive and kicking.

Me

[ilmw]

Hi there...

 

Been to far up my own ass to realy check out others in this club of ours...

 

You sound like you are getting it together pretty good...

 

You have also given some great advise to others... and that is... I feel healing.. in that.. sharing are own "sh#t with others... vents it out of us.. while helping others

 

Take care

 

ilmw