Girlfriend cheated on me w/friend of 12 years

[Guest]

I'm going to make this as short as I can. My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years has been sleeping with my bestfriend for last 3 weeks. We lived together for a year, but I decided to move out because I wasn't ready to get married. We said that we were done about 2 months ago, that is the point when one of my best friends of over 12 years started hanging out with her. Even though we were "broken up" we were still involved hanging out telling each other we love each other. I even got down on my knees and asked her during this time what I need to do to marry her, and I began to take the steps to patch up some relationships between me and her family. Back in December, I had an emotional affair with a girl from overseas who flew out to visit me as soon as I moved out, we never had sex but we did share a kiss so she has felt some of the pain that I am going through. About 3 weeks ago I called my friend and asked her to stop talking to her, because I wanted a shot at making things right between us, and he did not respect my wishes. I don't think I could ever see him or be friends with him again, but that is besides the point. So three weeks have gone by, with me giving her love and attention as well as being a total wreck, crying every day. She has a 5 year old daughter that isn't mine, but the little girl has never known her real father, and I have been her only father for the last 2 1/2 years of her life. I still love my girlfriend and her daughter very much and I am still thinking about being with them and marrying her. Last night she said that she is in love with me and not him. I told her that I would be able to forgive her and move past this if she is committed and willing to do the same. I made it clear to her that she needs to never speak to him again, and begin to take steps with me to earn back each others trust. Am I totally out of my mind to what to continue to work things out with her??? I think I could move past the sleeping with my bestfriend, but I'm worried that since she has had strong feelings for someone else now, that she will not be able to love me the same as she used to. Does anyone think that we have a chance at this?? Do you think that our relationship could grow and become stronger after this, or am I just setting myself up for more pain. Please give any advice views and opinions from all sides of the spectrum. My broken heart thanks you

[MsPiggy]

I think things can be worked out as long as she is willing to cut all ties with this guy and devote herself to the relationship and BOTH of you leave the past in the past and move on. Maybe this guy comforted her at the right time and he's there as the "band-aid". You should definitely cut all ties with this "best friend" regardless of the outcome here.

 

Good Luck!!!

[Guest]

This is our last emails to each other about an hour ago. I have given her till Sunday night at midnight to call things off with him, and I will remain firm on what I've expected. You will have to read from the bottom up to understand the emails. Do you think I'm doing the right thing???

 

Email#3

Me to Girl

I will remain as patient with you as long as you like, as long as your not in another relationship!!!! I am not expecting a miracles to happen right away for us as we move forward with our relationship, but I do expect you to be exclusive with me and not talking to him. We do have a lot of work to ahead of us, and that will only start to happen if we are back with each other. I will remain patient with you for as long as you like when your back with me and me only. Considering the circumstances I believe I'm being very empathetic to the situation, as the week is what you asked for. You are the one that said you needed a week and that is what you have.

 

 

 

Email #2

Girl to Me

Don't threaten me and you should choose your words more wisely!!!! You have had PLENTY of time to be with us and I am sorry that in 2 months of us not being together is the first time you realize it, because I believe you have had well over 2 years to know and you didn't, however I remained patient with you as you will do with me. I am very sensitive right now and unsure of a lot of things, it again could be easy to say that if I let go of him that will fix everything....we have a lot of work!

 

 

Email #1

Me to Girl

You have been with him for well over a month now. You have had plenty of time to figure out if it is me that you want to be with forever. I am a 100% sincere about everything that we talked about last night and putting the past behind us and working towards a future and a family together. I have already forgiven you and I believe in my heart that you are worth everything in the end. However, it is not fair to anyone until you make a clear choice and stand by that decision. You said that you wanted a week, and I am giving that to you although you have had PLENTY of time already. If you do not say goodbye to him forever by Sunday at 12:00 midnight and without "being with him", then it is ME that you and your daughter will never see or speak with again and I will move on to find another girl to be and have a family with. I don't want your daughter's last memory of me telling her that I can't go swimming with you and her, as that would be horrible memory of the last time the three of us were together. The three of us love each other very much, and I believe in my heart that we can have a great marriage, family and future together!

[whichwayisup]

You're doing the right thing.

 

Look, she is messed up and confused. Hurt that you couldn't make a choice to be married to her after 2 years. Her being vunerable, and your "so called" bestfriend, moved in on her. He KNEW what buttons to push with her. And that is why something happened.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do, but don't use her child against her. That is why she's pissed off too. People don't do well with ulimatums, so be sure about what you say to her.

 

Talking about her child is pouring on the guilt and making her feel bad.

[scrybe74]

You're doing the wrong thing. Threatening her and giving her ultimatums are the wrong way to go. Here's why:

 

#1.) Most likely threatening her just makes you look like a controlling, jealous jerk. Who wants to be with someone like that. She'll feel that if she re-enters a relationship with you with that attitude that you call the shots and set the terms. it's unequal and unbalanced. She also has grievances and is and adult and can make choices for herself.

 

 

#2)If she were to meet your ultimatum or deadline (not likely) then you would have forced her hand by threatening her. Have you ever signed a contract with someone or a company because of intense pressure or threats? Eventually you regret it and resent the contract and the person/company. You may even like the product but because someone made up your mind for you instead of you making a choice....you begin to hate it. She'll feel the same way about you. You won't ever be able to trust her because she didn't willingly come back. You'll always be worried about what she's doing, where she's going and who's she talking to. She always feel like she has to prove herself trustworthy to you 24/7. That sucks.

 

#3) Using her child to impart guilt is just low. It's one thing to express your love for this child. Using your relationship with the child to guilt her into choosing you is terrible.

 

(What you should have done)

You should have simply expressed your feelings about the other guy. Tell her that you can't continue on with any hope of a relationship with her if she continues to see your (ex)friend.....and leave it at that. DON'T TELL HER WHAT TO DO OR MAKE DEMANDS. She's an adult and she can make the choice for herself. She's not cheating on you because your relationship with her is over.

 

In the meantime keep working on the things you've been working on to make yourself a better person. Accept the fact that she may choose not to comeback. You moved out, you accepted the breakup and you have to accept the consequences. Back off. Threats and ulitmatums are just tools of controlling people. You not even normally be a controlling person but your acting desperate so you're trying whatever may work.

 

This won't.

 

If you really want her back....tell her you love her, how you feel, apologize for the mistakes you made, acknowledge what it is you work on, show her the work you've done, explain how you feel about her daughter and then give her some space to decide. Make yourself look like a good choice, get yourself together. Look yourself in the mirror and think of what you have to offer that this other guy doesn't. (Remember...threatening her will just push her into his arms....the more of a jerk you act with her the better he looks)

 

Call her about once a week just to check in with her and talk about things. If you get the sense that she's not interested or still interested in this guy...then move on. Don't call her for a few weeks or months. If after that she still is not really interested then give it up.

 

I'll bet you a ham sandwhich that it'll work waaaaaay better then what you're doing now.

[Spectre]

why would you want to be with a girl, let alone marry, someone who slept with your best friend for three weeks? I Cant really comprehend that, does she pay for all your stuff? beer flavored nipples? what is it about this chick that draws you to her? Even if you were on a break, getting with someones best friend is just low, why lower yourself? seems like a waste of time. Theres 6 billion people out there, why'd she have to pick your friend? If you *do* for some odd reason, want to be with her, you do have every right to ask her not to speak to your friend, I mean.. its a respect thing tho, if she didnt have enough respect for you to not bang your friends, whats the point?

[Guestro]

Dude, your girlfriend is a tramp and a slut. Taking a break before commiting to marriage was the wisest move you could have made -- now you know what she is. I feel sorry for her kid. Who wouldn't?

 

I didn't see any threat in your first message, btw, but scrybe is right that giving her ultimatums is the wrong thing to do. In fact, wasting another breath on her is the wrong thing to do. She's already destroyed any chance you guys had of being happy together, and now you're just picking through the wreckage she created trying to figure out what happened.

 

It's not your fault. She's a nasty skank. There's millions of them. Count yourself lucky you didn't marry her and move on.

[Guest]

Saturday night she says that she really wants to be and work things out with me. We went and hung out on Sunday and spent some time together. We talked about marriage and what we need to do to get us back to normal. We decided that we are going to take things really slow and that she needs some time to be alone. I am giving her the space she needs and at the same time watching her closely. She said that she isn't going to talk to him anymore, however he is at her house today installing an air conditioner. I've done nothing but show love and support to her and she hasn't given me anything. We are not going to talk the rest of the week so she can break her pattern of calling me then calling him. I'm going to watch her calls and see if she is still calling him this week. We are going to see each other on Sunday, and I should have a good idea if she stays true to her word about not talking with him either this week. I was over at her house last night and could still tell that she was thinking about him, and she wasn't at the point yet where she is showing me that it is me that she really wants. If she doesn't start to show that it is me that she wants, then I am going to have to walk away from her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Please give any advice views and opinions from all sides of the spectrum.

 

This is what really caught my attention:

 

We lived together for a year, but I decided to move out because I wasn't ready to get married. We said that we were done about 2 months ago, that is the point when one of my best friends of over 12 years started hanging out with her.

 

Back in December, I had an emotional affair with a girl from overseas who flew out to visit me as soon as I moved out, we never had sex but we did share a kiss so she has felt some of the pain that I am going through.

 

You walked out on her and this child after two years of being together then, just by coincidence (e-hem ), immediately hooked up with another girl as soon as you were out the door.

 

Now that the shoe is on the other foot … instead of feeling any sort of empathy for what you put this poor girl through (you drew first blood) … you're now making demands of her and everyone else that you weren't even man enough to require of yourself.

 

Don't you think you're being just a bit selfish and unfair?

[Guest]

I'm not trying to be selfish or unfair about this situation. All I have asked for her is to tell me what she wants to be happy. I have been so ill over this situation and have lost 20 pounds. If she is going to happy with him, then she has every right to be with him and I will walk away cleanly. However, I can not stand to watch her to this back and forth stuff as it is making her sick as well, so I'm trying to take myself out of the equation as much as possible. All I want is for her and the little girl to be happy and I will do what ever it takes to make them happy. However it is not fair to anyone involved if she wants to keep me around while she continues this relationship with him. The pain that I'm going through is too much to stand. I will not be able to take her back if she does not stop the relationship with him. This is a very hard thing to handle without giving her an ultimadum which is the last thing I want to do. She also has to be honest with herself as well as me from this point on. I don't think that I am being too selfish in this. I really do want whats best for her and her girl. But in the end I am at risk of loosing the girl I want to marry, a daughter and a best friend. Yes, I am aware that I put us in this situation and have told her the blame rests with me, but I can not go back and fix the past, all I can do is change my behavior for the future.

[Spectre]

*sigh* wow, this relationship is going nowhere, and I am 100% sure it will not last. Good luck to you both, may you not pull this type of sh*t with other people.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I will not be able to take her back if she does not stop the relationship with him.

 

Take her back (???)

 

Perhaps I’ve misinterpreted your thread … but I got the impression that you were trying to get her to take you back.

 

You see … she doesn’t really have anything to feel bad about. Contrary to the title of your thread, She didn’t actually “cheat” on you if she simply moved on with her life after you made it clear that you had left it. So, some guy comes along and happens to be there for her when you weren’t. Friend or not … she’s entitled to find some happiness and comfort for herself. She’s single. So is your friend.

 

This is a very hard thing to handle without giving her an ultimadum which is the last thing I want to do.

 

Consequences are hard to handle. Period. But I don’t know how one goes about delivering ultimatums to avoid the repercussions of their own actions without it coming off as adding insult to injury. Most people might find this highly off-putting.

 

She also has to be honest with herself as well as me from this point on.

 

Yes. She needs to make up her mind whether or its worth giving up her new friend to give you second chance. But when it comes to honesty … you need more work in that area than she does. And until you’ve figured out what you really want, you’re in no place to require that from others.

 

I’m worried that the only reason you’ve changed your mind about marrying her is because someone else has taken an interest in her and you can’t stand the thought that the man stepping up to take your place is your buddy. I understand how awkward this probably feels. But neither one of them betrayed you … so it’s important to remain objective and remember that.

 

 

Also, you’re no where near ready to take this permanent step until you’ve worked through all your issues … not just hers. At this point, with everything that’s happened, it would be a disaster.

 

but I can not go back and fix the past, all I can do is change my behavior for the future.

 

Absolutely!

 

And if it’s too late to salvage this relationship, you can pocket the lesson so you know how to be a better partner in your next relationship. We all fumble a few times before we finally get it right.

[Guest]

I fully understand that this is on my hands. If it were not for my actions we would not be in this situation. I became hurt because she was still spending time with me and telling me that she loves me while all this was going on. We even went and looked at rings together. Over the last few weeks, she told me numerous times that she was going to stop talking to him. All I can do now is do the things that I need to do in order to make myself better. I agree no one likes to learn the hard way in life as I have, but I can take the experience and grow from it with or without her. I am taking all the steps that I need to do in order to work through my issues including seeing a therapist. So all I can do is continue to make myself better and if she wants to be with me and me alone I will know, until then she can take the space and time she needs in order for her to figure out what she needs for her and her daughter to be happy. I understand that this relationship is badly damaged, but I guess if you can pull through something like this then it might truly be meant to be. I told her that she is my butterfly and she is free and if she wants to come back we can talk about taking steps that we need to be better. As far as my friend goes, I clearly asked him to stop talking to her as I really needed a shot at this. He knew his actions were causing me a lot of pain and he continued them, so yes I do feel very betrayed by him. If he would have talked to me about what was really going on between them, then I might have a shred of respect for him. If he came to me and asked me to do something in order for him to get back his family and the people he loves, I would have done everything in my power as he is an important friend to me. I guess now only time will tell and I am the one that needs to be patient and be there for her as she needs.

[Fritz]

Eh, Enigma from my reading of it, both of them "slipped" up. I'm not gonna respect a person who while supposedly "broken up" for 2 months and still saying "I love yous" is then going on and boffing her ex's best buddy. Its not what I'd call cheating on either side, but neither side is really in the right.

 

That said, to the OP. Run. Run like the wind. You obviously were shakey on getting hitched to this gal and I'd say that makes sense on a multitude of fronts (I feel sorry for the foreign gal who flew over but didn't get any ;p). I'd realize you done screwed up, you're prolly better off without her and that you should move on. Threats aren't going to work and are downright childish given the circumstances here IMHO. State your feelings and let it go. If it works out, it works out. I'd feel sorry for your former best bud for getting involved in the whole thing but a so called "friend" who takes advantage (and hey, it may actually be the other way around folks) of a person in that spot deserves all the crap they get.

[CrushedOrgans]

hey buddy, you don't get off that easy. she may have had sex with someone, yeah, i know *gasp* people having sex, shame shame, and all that.

 

but you had someone from overseas fly to meet you right after you moved out, which shows you were communicating with someone else as well, someone you also kissed.

 

so you might feel you're better than her, but she's just as better off without you too. i personsally feel what you did was worse; you were the one who ended it and at that point, she was free to do whatever she wanted. if you still had all these feelings for her that you needed to tell her you love her and still hang out all the time, you wouldn't have betrayed your own feelings by messing around with some overseas chick. there is nothing sexy about being a hypocrite.

 

sorry, but you were either both wrong or both not wrong. just because she had sex with someone doesn't make you the innocent thing that gets to lord her actions over her and threaten her. don't marry her; you didn't even want to until you found out she was moving on. i hope she keeps moving on, and i hope you do too. this will never work out.

[Guest]

So she continues to tell me that she wants to work things out with me at times, and still goes behind my back with him. This has been going on for over a month now. If she really wanted to be and work things out with me, then she would show that to me. I can't let her walk me around in the horrible circle any longer. She has moved on with me, and I can't move on unless we are no longer talking. She says that she see's her future and her family with me, but has not taken any steps to make that happen. She has told me time and again that she was going to stop talking to him, but she still makes up huge lies to be with him. She has told me that she was going to take time for herself, and she has not even done that either. I know I've made mistakes, and I can't fix those but I am willing to work hard and do whatever it takes for our future. If that is what she wants in her heart she would do the same. I'm going to ask her if she does love and care about me, then she will not contact me or my family anymore. I'm afraid if I let this continue we will be in the same position a month from now, and nothing will have changed. I think it is time that I step away. It is too hard to continue to watch her and my bestfriends relationship evolve while she is still keeping me in the picture. It is not fair to anyone involved.

[Fritz]

You're doing the right thing IMHO. Walk away and move on. She doesn't know what she wants and I don't think you really do either.

 

Also, crushed organs, from my view, snoggin/talking/romancing another so soon isn't good but sex is kinda a whole other ballgame, let alone with a "best friend". To me thats a true definate "burn the bridges" action.