Does LDR really work?

[catrocks]

Hi guys! Just an update.

 

When I posted this thread, I didn't think it would be for me. But after meeting my now fiance, my perceptions have definitely changed. Yup..... we are engaged!!!

 

Like many others have said, it's a lot of work, but well worth it if you know you've found the right person.

 

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." (When Harry Met Sally)

 

We are moving in together this summer.

 

So.. to answer my own question...

 

It does work!!!

Yay!!! Congratulations on your engagement!

I'm also moving in with and marrying my fiancé this summer - after 3.5 years together, 2.5 of which have been long distance. There are times when you wonder if it's worth it but in the end, if you really love the person and want to be with them you will always find a way to make it work

[progressioncity]

{duh... I wrote this before I read the update... congrats!}

 

You definitely have to give it your all and I personally feel that the two people have to really make a concerted effort to prize their relationship even more because it is long distance. Phone calls or emails are the equivalent of dates and just like in any relationship if both people don't have the energy or attention to give those things priority the way that you would on a short distance basis then there may be problems. I'm speaking from my own experience. It is very easy to misconstrue electronic communication so that's something to be careful about.

 

They certainly aren't easy, LDRs, but if you're in love then what can you do really but follow your heart where it takes you?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Of course they can work. They require effort - just like any relationship. And you look forward to the time you do get together sooo much!

 

I guess they require a certain strength of character. It helps when you know you have definitely found the right person though - you want the best, so forget the rest.

 

And it's probably not for the kind of person that needs to be fawning over (and fawned over by) somebody 24 hours a day.

 

It has never been easier with the electronic revolution!!!! Cheap phone calls, IM, webcam, email - not to forget surprise packages via snail mail.

 

I completely, completely agree.

 

Thanks for writing all of that and saving me the effort, Magic. There was no way I could've expressed my thoughts that well, anyway.

 

Personally, I don't understand why people make such a huge deal out of being long-distance. I agree that it's important to know and meet your "love" as often as possible, and I'm certainly not for phantom relationships of any sort.

 

But I think it's perfectly okay to not live like Siamese twins all the time. In my experience, being together 24/7 does nothing particularly productive for the relationship. Maybe it's the sexual aspect that makes people want to date within the same zip code. But more than that, I think it's the loneliness. People here in the US are so lonely, really. They try and make up for this by having someone in close proximity all the time, kind of a surrogate family.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against closeness in a relationship, I think it's the best part. But since the OP's question is whether an LDR should be the make-or-break criteria, I'd like to reiterate that being a few hours away is not a deal-breaker.

 

There is a limit to being long-distance, of course, and this limit depends on the couple involved. I wouldn't want to be long-distance forever, but I also know that I wouldn't want to let go of a really special person just because he doesn't live a stone's throw away. That would be stupid, in my books. I know how rare it is to find someone who's really worth it to me. No way I'd let that go away without even trying.

 

All in all, if you and your (possible) partner believe in the school of thought that says "Get the best, forget the rest", you wouldn't mind being long-distance for a while. It requires some patience, a lot of compatibility of views, and the courage to take some risks. And the willingness to follow it through - that's why they call it the labor of love.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Update to post:

 

I read about your engagement after I wrote my post, too! Sorry about that. I sort of got carried away with my views

 

Congratulations on the engagement, though!

[Ciprian]

Just wanted to let you know, that from my book of 50 stories from real online daters, most of the successful ones were from couples that had emailed each other for a couple of months, or were living in different parts of the country, which forced them to communicate, and then finally see each other. But then, what about Chemistry when you see someone? Personally, I was never a fan of LDR, mostly because we all have needs, including great companionship, and chemistry

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Just wanted to let you know, that from my book of 50 stories from real online daters, most of the successful ones were from couples that had emailed each other for a couple of months, or were living in different parts of the country, which forced them to communicate, and then finally see each other. But then, what about Chemistry when you see someone? Personally, I was never a fan of LDR, mostly because we all have needs, including great companionship, and chemistry

 

Ciprian, we're not just talking about online dating here. We're talking about being long-distance because of whatever reason - studying, jobs, other committments.

 

Chemistry? Of course there's a lot of chemistry even when you're long-distance. Perhaps more so, because there is a lot of anticipation.

 

Besides, the biggest sex organ is between your ears . It all begins in the mind.

[blondegirl30]

and I know I shouldn't post when i'm kind of upset like I am at the moment. I do lack some of the qualities needed though for an LDR, such as patience, not being needy and trust sometimes. I admit I can be a very jealous person, just like I was being tonight with my BF. He was saying he was talking to a girl online(from one of his forums), which wouldn't really bother me that much, but every time I message her, she doesn't respond back. I don't know if she's never there or what but I'm just thinking she's after my bf. He says there's nothing going on, but I just can't get over the fact that she never ever talks to me. I had added her on my msn after he introduced us, in hopes we'd be friends and we talked maybe 2 or 3 times max. So, I dunno if this is just all in my mind or if there is a reason to worry?

 

Thats not the only issue though in our relationship. This LDR just seems to be ok with him, as if it's ok if it goes on like this for, who knows how long(3-4 yrs) not that he says that but its just the way I feel because it just seems that he's dragging his feet about when we'll be together. He's in a very odd situation where he lives in the same house with his mom, his sister and bro. in law. Back when they all moved in together, he just never figured he'd find a serious relationship i guess and it helps with finances. So now that he is indeed in this relationship, he has to somehow get out of his part of the mortgage of the house. He wants me to move up there(canada) but I would rather him move here(ohio, US). He doesn't say that he won't move here but just that it will take some time to deal with the house situation there, and finding a job here, money for everything, etc.

 

Anyway, this is just so hard for me to deal with and seems to only get harder for me. Quite often I start arguments because i ask questions and wonder when we'll get the ball rolling on stopping the LDR to be (together). And then like tonight getting annoyed because I get jealous over(i dunno if its nothing or something). I don't want to sound like I don't trust him because really I do. I just don't trust others and the fact that they are close and i'm 8 hrs away. This distance just really really gets to me!!! He keeps saying "hang in there", that it just takes some time for everything to work out, and I'm trying really hard too, but I guess I am just so so needy.

It has been working ever since we met online and started talking towards the end of 2005, for the most part except for my issues with everything. And I hope that it will continue to and that I will also have an engagement to announce on here one day. By the way, congratulations on yours!!

[confusedgeek]

It's been quite a while since I visited loveshack.org and thought I'd chime in.

I was thinking about the past, about my girlfriend, and remembered about this website.

 

As an update, me and my girlfriend have been going strong..... about 17-18 months. I've lost track, lol.

 

It's funny because we met online accidently through our favorite instant messenger. I would never have thought a simple text message would have gotten me this far. Her being my first girlfriend and all.

 

We've been chatting/talking online constantly for over a year. Until I could save enough money to visit her for X days in her country. She lives a few thousand miles away from me.

 

When I did manage to save enough cash, I met her this past december. And it rocked. For X days, we held hands, walked around, ate, drank, did a bit of sightseeing, getting to know each other more. All the things we could do together that we couldnt do apart. It was/is the best time of my life.

 

And I plan on keeping going with our relationship. There are a lot of problems ahead of us. Financial problems mostly, distance, getting to know her more, but I like her a lot. It's an awesome feeling. Eventually, when I make/save enough cash to support us both, I think I might pop the question to her.

 

But right now, Im saving money again to go visit her at the end of this year.

I have some plans to move closer to her, so we can be closer together. It is hard for her to leave her country due to her countries laws and my countries law. So, I have to take the initiative and some how make this all work out.

 

Its a work in progress, but it makes me happy that we will get together eventually. I hope everything pans out for me, but time will tell. But I also hope others in their long distance relationship also end up happy as well.

 

- ConfusedGeek

[amerikajin]

So what do you guys think about long distance relationships? Do they actually work?

 

I tried an LDR once and it worked fine until we started living together. I don't really blame it on distance necessarily, although the distance did affect the relationship, and it perhaps blinded me to some things I would've noticed earlier.

 

I doubt I'll ever do another LDR; I just don't see the point. I mean if you date someone for a year and then one of you moves away but you have plans to reunite fairly soon, that's different; but this sleepless in Seattle stuff isn't for me.

[Trialbyfire]

The more I read about LDRs on LS, the more it makes me realize that there are key components to it that can be applied in any relationship:

 

- How honest are you with the other person?

- Are you communicating sufficiently to keep up with each others' lives?

- Are you fully invested?

- Can you resist temptation?

- Do you trust the other person?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I agree with Amerikajin a bit, there. And I'm going to be speaking from personal, first-hand experience here.

 

You don't really get to know the person's everyday behavior when you don't see them up close and personal for an extended time. When you're long distance to start with, you won't know about this till much later.

So, you have to be prepared for surprises. Hopefully, you'll be lucky enough to not be surprised in a very bad way

 

No matter how "honest" you think the other person is, there's usually some skeleton in the closet. This skeleton may or may not be big/ scary enough to end the relationship, but it is a contingency to be taken into account.

 

Most importantly, I believe we're great at self-deception. We tend to see him / her in the way we want to, and overlook warning signals (I can't emphasize this enough, it's the single most important thing to do).

 

 

However, I still think that it's possible to build and nurture a great relationship, even when you're not in close proximity. The problem is in correctly recognizing if that person is really worth the trouble.

[LN99]

I know of someone in a LDR and I feel sorry for his gf. He is super flirty w/ women around me. I don't know if its because he misses his gf or what? But, it's really annoying to see. The scary part is that he is talking about proposing to her. I just feel bad that (more then likely) his gf does not even have a clue of how he is around these other women.

 

This is part of the reason why I could never do a LDR. I tried, but lack of physical contact got to me. I think it gets to others too and then they end up either breaking it off(which they should do and I did) or cheating(which I am totally against.)

 

For those of you who are having luck w/ it...more power to you!