I have no drive but don't know why - will he leave me or cheat on me?

[lonepearl]

Hi guys.

 

For the past month or two (or three!) I have absolutely no desire for sex left. There are many reasons for it I think...but anyway.

 

Reading another post on here by Xtreme1 or someone made me think..because he is asking for advice planning whether its ok to cheat on his wife or not as she is not putting out.

 

I am worried that my partner may leave me, cheat on me or even fall out of love with me if I don't put out. But in all this, he hasn't really asked me or tried to explore why I am like this. In the relationship its always been me who has had the larger drive to be honest. And then suddenly - switch off!

 

It used to be diff...usually him saying no...but anyway. lets see where this leads. feel free to ask me more details as i just kept this short..

[whichwayisup]

Go get a checkup from your doctor and make sure your hormone levels, thyroid, B12 and other levels are normal.

 

Do you have alot of stresses going on in your life right now?

 

How is the rest of your relationship, outside of the bedroom. Does he make you happy? Meet all your needs?

 

I do think you need to tell him how you're feeling. Communication is so important.

 

I have to say, don't assume the worst of your man! Just because someone else posts that he might cheat as he isn't getting any at home, doesn't mean your guy will too! Circumstances are different, the people and situations are different.

[MrDarcy]

If he loves you he will do neither. He may however feel a little hurt and rejected, as sex is his way of knowing that you love and appreciate him and find him attractive. Also, it's his affirmation that he's the one and only. That doesn't mean you have to put out if you don't feel like it.

 

You should however figure out the cause of this. Is he doing his part in the relationship? Does he tell you how attractive you are. Does he talk and listen?

 

Like whichway says, tell him how you feel. That way at least he will not be left in the dark. There's gotta be something he can do to make you feel sexy, and turn you on. If there is, tell him. Like I've said so many times before, I know you want us to be mindreaders, but we're not! (Sorry, just a little personal rant there.)

However if you're tired and completely worn out at the end of the day, no amount of seducing will work.

 

Finally, once again. Communication! Then again, it's so easy for me to tell others to communicate, when I'm having trouble getting through to my own wife.

[norajane]

Lonepearl, I've read the other threads you've started. You're with a guy who constantly and thoroughly treats you like ****. I'm not in the least bit surprised you don't want to have sex with him. Personally, I think if he left you, you would be far, far better off. Better yet, dump him immediately and begin to enjoy your life, with room for a man who will treat you like the wonderful, beautiful, sexy person that you are.

[MrDarcy]

Whoa, I've got to learn to do some research before answering to a post. Norajane is right. I completely understand why you have no desire for sex, espescially with this guy. My above post would apply to a healthy relationships where both parts are doing their share, but it doesnt sound like your relationship is a very happy one, and definitely not a healthy one. I'm not sure what advice to give you, but based on what you've written previously here on LS you're completely right not to want sex. I wish you'd given us more background in the original post.

[lonepearl]

didn't mean to leave things out..was jst feeling low in energy levels i guess..

 

its like the last year or so before dec 05, it used to be him saying no. it seemed like we made out when he was ready for it, but if i wanted it and he wasn't in the mood i would just have to accept that.

then the whole "ur too unattractive" due to weight gain phase - which is fine. but then too it didnt stop him frm getting me to pleasure him - just that i wasnt attractive enough to be pleasured back!

 

but after the breakup in dec 05, he returned feeling sorry for treating me wrong. he has tried and is better in a lot of ways now than he was before. but even though he says i need to forget the past and not hold it against him, at any usual fight that couples have, he reverts to the same dialogues from the past and i cannot but help thinking that he really isnt sorry for what he had done.

 

like the recent "my libido is down" bit because i am still not attractive due to my belly. so lately when he does initiate sex, my mind just blocks up with "poor thing, he is horny and needs it and is makin out with me cuz he has no choice even though he finds me unattractive" and my body and mind just shut down. i just get a "bluh" response to all stimulation from him and just fall asleep.

 

while i am not askin anyone to be attractive to a yucky and ugly belly, i dont know what has happened to me. i just have switched off - not only to him, but to myself as well sexually. i havent felt the need to even take care of matters myself. nothing. perhaps its a combo of whats happening in the relationship, work?, stress?, maybe i need to find out? i feel like a loser being attacked left right and centre both at work and home for my incapabilities and integrity as a person. perhaps i am beginning to accept this of me without knowing?

[norajane]

while i am not askin anyone to be attractive to a yucky and ugly belly,

 

He's made you so self-conscious about yourself and your tummy that you can't even see how beautiful and attractive you are. Have you taken a look around? Do you see how many people there are out there with bellies and love handles and saddlebags and cellulite or are just plain fat all over, or too skinny, too short, too tall, too hairy, too wrinkly, too bald, too whatever?

 

And all those people have wonderful sex lives anyway. You know why? Because their lovers love them for who they are, not what they happen to look like on the outside!!

 

I don't know what this guy looks like, but he sounds very, very ugly and yucky on the inside. He can't ask you, and you can't expect to be attracted to his ugliness!! That's why you have no sex drive! You are finally seeing his ugliness and can't get excited about being with him. His ugliness has killed your own self-esteem as well as your sex drive, and that's why you can't even bear to touch yourself.

 

If you can find a belly dancing class in your area, please start taking classes. You will be amazed at the difference it will make in your view of you belly and your self-esteem. In class, you will see women of all shapes, sizes, and ages with all kinds of bellies. More important, the hip and belly movements are mesmerizing, and you will soon be fascinated with how sensual that part of your body really is, and how sexy it is, and trust me - you will learn a new appreciation for your body and what it can do, an appreciation that you've not had in the last 4 years since you've been with this creep. (Besides, belly dancing is a LOT of fun!!).

[lonepearl]

thank you for your words..they helped and made me feel nice at least for a moment inside about me...!

 

the truth is my belly area has not been touched in 3 yrs now..and it feels craved for touch if you get what i mean. just that tender warm touch. thats why i love my greyhound (hey no dirty thoguhts!) - but he jumps into bed with mummy to get cuddles and i can touch my whole belly area onto his back when i cuddle my baby without feeling ashamed or conscious of it. he still loves me and my cuddles (not to mention my warm bed and blankets hahahaha). i feel fully accepted for me...and i am working at the damn thing but it seems its never goona be good ebcause when i had a kidney relapse a few years back it stretched my skin and i have stretch marks to boot. so even if my belly goes in, there will always be ugly marks on it that gross him out.

 

sighhh. u r right.. i guess i dont know. more later. off to do some work !

[bertie]

Hi guys.

 

For the past month or two (or three!) I have absolutely no desire for sex left. There are many reasons for it I think...but anyway.

 

Reading another post on here by Xtreme1 or someone made me think..because he is asking for advice planning whether its ok to cheat on his wife or not as she is not putting out.

 

I am worried that my partner may leave me, cheat on me or even fall out of love with me if I don't put out. But in all this, he hasn't really asked me or tried to explore why I am like this. In the relationship its always been me who has had the larger drive to be honest. And then suddenly - switch off!

 

It used to be diff...usually him saying no...but anyway. lets see where this leads. feel free to ask me more details as i just kept this short..

I am on the other side of this to you - my wife is the one who's not interested, my greatest fear is doing something that would hurt us both even more. I have my moments when I feel like going out and finding someone else; I feel really angry and hurt towards her because I feel that she is getting what she wants/needs out of the relationship and I am not. If she could find other ways to make me feel loved (yes for a man sex makes you feel loved) this would go some way to making me realise that she does still care. This is when the little things begin to matter.

[lonepearl]

I am on the other side of this to you - my wife is the one who's not interested, my greatest fear is doing something that would hurt us both even more. I have my moments when I feel like going out and finding someone else; I feel really angry and hurt towards her because I feel that she is getting what she wants/needs out of the relationship and I am not. If she could find other ways to make me feel loved (yes for a man sex makes you feel loved) this would go some way to making me realise that she does still care. This is when the little things begin to matter.

 

i can see where u r coming from. i guess u have a strong case as u r meeting all her needs (and i hope its needs she has communicated rather than your guess as to what her needs are )

mine - i don't think most of mine get met. i have to ask. yes hes trying lately to meet a few - but i think he doesn't realise hes meeting those that hes ok with.. the ones hes not happy doing he doesnt still i somehow dont think that is the whole idea behind meeting needs hehehe

 

BUT having said that, my views on cheating etc. no matter what the situation is - are pretty strong. forgive me for that! BUT its like - two wrongs don't make a right? is that how the saying goes? if one cheats, they have no leg to stand on to accuse the other of not meeting their needs (my feeling only)....it reminds me of two 10 yr olds - u broke my toy so i went and broke all ur stuff and that pretty pink dress u like - i went and peed on it!

 

if u feel ur needs are not met, try communicating and resolving and if nothing works, communicate re leaving. THEN find someone new...my thoughts only though... but thanks for ur input do tell me more as maybe i can see what i might be doing wrong from my side

[bertie]

BUT having said that, my views on cheating etc. no matter what the situation is - are pretty strong. forgive me for that! BUT its like - two wrongs don't make a right? is that how the saying goes? if one cheats, they have no leg to stand on to accuse the other of not meeting their needs (my feeling only)....

if u feel ur needs are not met, try communicating and resolving and if nothing works, communicate re leaving. THEN find someone new...my thoughts only though...

Speaking of communicating: we had a chat recently and I mentioned that I am feeling very angry and resentful about her lack of interest -I was very honest and open and said I'd even considered going out to start another relationship -my words were: "I have never been unfaithful to you but I do have needs and frankly if you are saying you don't want to have sex then why should I be faithful to you?" Her reply:"because I am faithful to you" ??!!. Say what??...my knees (because I was stting down) were the only thing that stopped my jaw hitting the floor...I could not believe that she could actually sit there, tell me she is not interested in sex but still expect me to remain faithful! I must admit it did give me hope that she is not messing about and I did resolve to try not to do anything stupid - it doesn't mean I won't still have bad days with dealing with this situation and without making any excuses, I just hope I don't get caught at an angry/weak moment. One thing that helps is for me to try to walk in your shoes - how would I feel if it were me who wasn't interested - I know I would not 'look favourably' on my spouse getting it elsewhere.

 

As for 'communicate re leaving' - frankly, after reading everyone else's problems, I'd rather work on this relationship. "out of the frying pan into the fire" comes to mind.

What exactly does your H say about all this?

[JamesM]

Having been where my wife had no desire...and her only problem was a lack of desire because her thyroid levels were off...yes, he may cheat. No, I did not, but could have.

 

LP, please check to see that your thyroid levels are correct. I understand your situation is more complex than that, but just for your sake, be sure there are also no medical problems. My story had many possibilities of things that could have caused our problem. I am still amazed at the difference that one pill did. SHe had no feelings for me. She hurt alot. She was tired. She gained weight. And all this has/is changing due to a change in a thyroid medicine. She now wants to hug, kiss, and spend time with me. She says we are like when we first were married.

 

My wife also said it would be wrong if I cheated and then said she had no desire...and I should get over needing sex. This made me incredibly angry and resentful. I still feel very strong that if a partner decides that sex is no longer needed or necessary, then he or she should have no problem if his or her spouse goes elsewhere. This is very selfish on anyone's part. If you decided to quit cooking, cleaning, baking, would you be offended he went out to eat or hired a maid? Probably not. Yet that one thing that can only happen between a man and a woman who are committed...that one thing can be withheld and then expect the other person not to look elsewhere. Sex is more than a hunger that needs to be filled, it is a mutual expression of love between two people.

 

I suggest that you read The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. I think this will help you better understand the role of sex in marriage and relationships. And I wil read your other posts, but if there are good reasons that you have no desire for this man, then by all means for the sake of your relationship, please, please get counseling, medical help...or something to save this before it becomes hurtful.

[norajane]

James, I know you mean well, and you are right...lonepearl's problems are more complex than thyroid. There's nothing wrong with her health. Her problem is her verbally and emotionally abusive boyfriend.

[JamesM]

Like I said, I needed to read her previous threads. Apologies.

 

But still, he may cheat or worse, he may become more physically abusive.

 

"Well sweety it isn't just about calories in and out simply - it is about whether your metabolism e.g. like mine is f**ked and stopped working completely and not because of lack of exercise but because of other health abnormalities that happened.."

 

This is from something. What? Yes, thyroid is one thing. (This is a quote of LP from a earlier thread.).

[lonepearl]

Speaking of communicating: we had a chat recently and I mentioned that I am feeling very angry and resentful about her lack of interest -I was very honest and open and said I'd even considered going out to start another relationship -my words were: "I have never been unfaithful to you but I do have needs and frankly if you are saying you don't want to have sex then why should I be faithful to you?" Her reply:"because I am faithful to you" ??!!. Say what??...my knees (because I was stting down) were the only thing that stopped my jaw hitting the floor...I could not believe that she could actually sit there, tell me she is not interested in sex but still expect me to remain faithful! I must admit it did give me hope that she is not messing about and I did resolve to try not to do anything stupid - it doesn't mean I won't still have bad days with dealing with this situation and without making any excuses, I just hope I don't get caught at an angry/weak moment. One thing that helps is for me to try to walk in your shoes - how would I feel if it were me who wasn't interested - I know I would not 'look favourably' on my spouse getting it elsewhere.

 

As for 'communicate re leaving' - frankly, after reading everyone else's problems, I'd rather work on this relationship. "out of the frying pan into the fire" comes to mind.

What exactly does your H say about all this?

 

well Bertie ... i am curious, i mean did you ask her (without any "if you dont i will..." because i know as a woman when i get one of those ultimatums I get defensive! .. i mean did you ask her re .."honey, lets talk. is everything ok? is there anything i can do to make it better or what am i doing wrong that you are so stressed to not enjoy and want sex for your sake (not just for yours bertie )...." and if you did... what was her response? and when i mean really talk..i meant...asked and listened without your feelings or needs making her feel guilty or anything?

 

i ask because day before i gave in and let him have sex (with me ofcoruse!). and all he could laugh and say (well happy laugh not nasty one he he)...that i been mean to him all week and holding back to torture him and he was happy like a 5 yr old!

 

he was happy and nice to me...but the point is he still didnt ask...if everything was ok and why i had abstained as it were. also, i am not holding back sex...just my drive is at 0. but to make him happy i gave in and let him enjoy it. To tell u the truth i have never faked enjoying sex..and that day was the first time in my entire life i did...just because i wanted to see him happy. because if i am having problems, i dont need to make 2 unhappy people out of it! but the issues re my being 'bluh' about it are still unresolved..

 

hmmm more later

[lonepearl]

LP, please check to see that your thyroid levels are correct. I understand your situation is more complex than that, but just for your sake, be sure there are also no medical problems.

 

hi! thanks for the thyroid possibility but nope. have had that tested already.

 

And all this has/is changing due to a change in a thyroid medicine. She now wants to hug, kiss, and spend time with me. She says we are like when we first were married.

 

well my prob is the opp. i always have been huggy, kissy kind and so is he. and i think i have a higher sex drive than him too! he he. i know he has been able to communicate to me for the last year or so clearly that his ones running low because i am physically unattractive to him and hence lowered his libido. But if i were to communicate my issues, i first need to know what they are he he as i am not sure why. and then he hasnt bothered to ask either like i did. but then its also a mixed message too isnt it. i mean telling me how he feels and how his drives down because of it and yet wanting me every single night for the last week or two just when i am not wanting him. hmmmmmmm. usually its me wanting it and get nothing.

 

My wife also said it would be wrong if I cheated and then said she had no desire...and I should get over needing sex. This made me incredibly angry and resentful. I still feel very strong that if a partner decides that sex is no longer needed or necessary, then he or she should have no problem if his or her spouse goes elsewhere.

 

Luckily i havent said anything to him of that sort...if i let myself lose to say it just cuz i was getting irritated with him pushing sex, it wud be something nasty like 'how can u find me unattractive and say you dont want to have sex because of lowered libido and yet want to have sex with me? or is it that when ur horny anything with a hole will do routine?" or something nasty on those lines. but i wont. thats why i want to be clear what all is causing this. because i dont want to break up but work at this but at the same time i dont wanna be 20 yrs into a relationship where there are nothing but unresolved issues...issues i dont mind ..those are good...but need resolution as you grow together..otherwise there is no growth.

 

This is very selfish on anyone's part. If you decided to quit cooking, cleaning, baking, would you be offended he went out to eat or hired a maid? Probably not. Yet that one thing that can only happen between a man and a woman who are committed...that one thing can be withheld and then expect the other person not to look elsewhere. Sex is more than a hunger that needs to be filled, it is a mutual expression of love between two people.

 

firstly, we cook, clean etc. equally both not jst one ..plus before even minding..dont you think you would ask your partner..whats the matter honey...something getting you down etc.? because to not want to do things that add to the relationship, there has to be something depressing or holding the person back!

 

i get what u r trying to say here though..but i dont think comparing sex with eating and cleaning sits right with me for other reasons too...

yes sex is a basic need just like food and a need for hygiene..but when you cheat vs hiring a maid to do your cleaning - somehow both dont sit well together as comparisons dont you think?!

 

yes the clinical act of sex is very basic just like the need for food and shelter... but as humans (and manyo ther animals do too!) we have transformed it into much more i feel (but i could be wrong). it is a spiritual, physical and mental exchange and bonding process...used for gratification, healing, happiness and as a motivator through times (to name a few) when one may be low.

 

even with eating - yes basic in its clinical form - but really when you eat at home with your partner, it isn't just about ingestion, digestion and... ... its the act of love either where you:

 

* share preparing things together (e.g. my partner and i on weekends cook till late at night - the meal isnt even done till 11 pm hahahaha but we pick up a book and pick a page at random and decide to cook TOGETHER what is on that page like gourmet pizzas etc...and we take hours playing around and just enjoying the time together)OR

 

* where someone has prepared something for you e.g. sometimes my partner still cant comprehend why on nights when i might not be eating a meal i still cook for him...take time and cook...not just fast food cook . its about loving and caring for someone and preparing something that will feed their bodies properly and also their minds and grow the bond.secretly he says it makes him feel loved and that someone gives a damn .. but anyway. going off on a tangent thats me!

 

thus, sex, food, cleaning - yes can be done (by someone) outside if not met at home - but the growth of the relationship and bonding, spiritual, physical and mental - all are at their best when the sex, cooking together and cleaning your home that you hve built together are done with each other.... so sex is not the only commitment as such.. growth and bonding towards each other is the committment i think...committment itself being the hunger...and sex etc. the means by which we satisfy this hunger...but then again. its only my ramblings!

 

I suggest that you read The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. I think this will help you better understand the role of sex in marriage and relationships. And I wil read your other posts, but if there are good reasons that you have no desire for this man, then by all means for the sake of your relationship, please, please get counseling, medical help...or something to save this before it becomes hurtful.

 

happy to read more as one can only learn - either more or grow in robustness of what one believes already i am happy for counselling etc. have asked him to go on couples stuff and individual as well...but it takes two to tango...

[lonepearl]

Like I said, I needed to read her previous threads. Apologies.

 

But still, he may cheat or worse, he may become more physically abusive.

 

"Well sweety it isn't just about calories in and out simply - it is about whether your metabolism e.g. like mine is f**ked and stopped working completely and not because of lack of exercise but because of other health abnormalities that happened.."

 

This is from something. What? Yes, thyroid is one thing. (This is a quote of LP from a earlier thread.).

 

i have been having problems that i never had from about 2001? that include thyroid like malfunction symptoms. in fact have been thru the motions of polycystic ovaries including polycystic ovary syndrome, endometriosis, cushings syndrome and the works! Nothing shows up conclusively. and yet i have a def. prob that isnt just weight related or lack of exercise related! i exercise enough, eat right and yet gained over 30 kgs in less than 4 months when i did a few years ago. i also have water retention problems..and im talking drinking today and tomorrow (2 litres a day) and only excreting less than 0.5..and starting to swell up. and nope kidneys seem to be doing fine too

 

it is a long and frustrating road for me. but for him too and he cant handle it as well i dont blame him. poor thing only wanted a 'normal' partner not the international hospital and drug test/trial encyclopedia! then to top it all i had a aneurysm - stroke - as the main artery actually burst. so now another 20 million issues to add to my forte!

 

anyhow... lets see where it all leads. meanwhile, of that 30kgs i gained in the second year of being with him... i have lost ALL 30kgs..and targetting another 6 kgs to be back as i used to be a couple of years before i met him. and no didnt do anything diff to get to this. just lowered stress levels for a while...and it all fell ...but thats a hard one to keep low hahahaha with everything else on in life can only lock urself out at home for so long!

but pls do keep talking..i do like what you, lorajane and bertie are saying ebcause it helps me to think clearer and journey forth!

[bertie]

well Bertie ... i am curious, i mean did you ask her (without any "if you dont i will..." because i know as a woman when i get one of those ultimatums I get defensive! .. i mean did you ask her re .."honey, lets talk. is everything ok? is there anything i can do to make it better or what am i doing wrong that you are so stressed to not enjoy and want sex for your sake (not just for yours bertie )...." and if you did... what was her response? and when i mean really talk..i meant...asked and listened without your feelings or needs making her feel guilty or anything?

 

i ask because day before i gave in and let him have sex (with me of coruse!). and all he could laugh and say (well happy laugh not nasty one he he)...that i been mean to him all week and holding back to torture him and he was happy like a 5 yr old!

 

he was happy and nice to me...but the point is he still didnt ask...if everything was ok and why i had abstained as it were.

 

hmmm more later

 

We have spoken often and I have always tried to be open and honest about how I feel and asked her how she feels- I think she has been honest in saying she does not know why she feels this way. We've been through the "sex doesn't start in the evening in the bedroom on the weekend, it starts in the morning, the way you greet me, hug me, say goodbye when you leave for work, say hi when you get home, help to cook the meals, do the dishes" routine. Trouble is these things are not really the issue because I do do all these things (admittedly I've become very unco-operative and impatient in recent weeks because I'm angry - not because of no sex but because I don't see any effort to do something about it) and it sounds as if your problem is the same as ours - I have asked her to try to think about what it is that she wants, I have said "we are partners in life and we need to back each other up when things get tough" but I feel that just like you say in your reply to JamesM, she also doesn't know what her issues are and after 2 years of a worsening situation, all I have is that she does not want sex, she feels there is nothing wrong with her and this is a normal progression for a marriage relationship. I think I am the typical male brain - if I know what the problem is I want to try to fix it. This woman is my best friend (although lately I have to keep reminding myself of that) so I am feeling very guilty as well especially when I know (knew?) she was having sex just for my sake, or as she put it, when she was "giving" me.

 

For me this is the one thing that I can do only with my wife. I can chat to anyone, become very close friends with someone, but sex is the one special place that we go where no-one else goes with us, it is about being together, loving, touching, losing ourselves in each other regardless of what life may be throwing at us. This is the deepest, most profound communication between us. Take that away and we are in some serious trouble.

What I want to know is - do you find it (sex) repulsive or are you just not interested, as in 'if it happens I'm ok with that, if not that's also ok.'? I get the feeling that my wife finds it repulsive - as in she avoids it, so yes I have asked is there anything wrong?, should I do something different?

 

What do you mean when you say you "gave in"? - it makes it sound as if sex is being used as a bargaining tool. As if you are holding back sex, even though you say you are not.

 

You say he was happy and nice to you...but he still didnt ask...if everything was ok and why i had abstained as it were.

 

My problem is that I did ask and when I got the honest answer that she only did it to make me happy, it made me feel really guilty, that there may be something wrong and that I am wrong to push the issue. And then there was this stupid news item about rape in marriage and I walked about for weeks convinced that I was guilty of raping my wife because I pressured her into having sex with me/ she did it even though she didn't want to. I tried and found myself guilty of emotionally abusing my wife by makignher feel guilty every time I raised the topic in a genuine attemp to resolve it.

So hubby stops "badgering" her for sex and guess what, 6 months go by, no sex, no pressure, topic left alone to give her a chance to identify issues and when hubby starts having dreams about sex with other women he raises the subject with her again and nothing has changed. I really would have appreciated her talking to me about it. You say he didn't ask you why you had 'abstained' - from my perspective, that would have been the same as badgering you. I think you should tell him that you still don't know what is making you feel this way, reassure him that you love him and tell him that it's ok for him to raise the topic from time to time and ask you how you are getting on.

[JamesM]

LP, thanks for taking all of my comments as constructive...as intended.

 

I can see that you have had alot of illnesses that can contribute to your situation. Before leaving the thyroid thing...my wife also had "normal" TSH levels. She had been diagnosed with depression, fibromyalgia, arthiritis, and I don't know what else. She was on antidepressant, ritalin, pain meds, and synthroid. At one point she was taking seven different meds in a day. Yet she had pain and mood swings and no libido. In my research, a person posted that maybe I should still check out thyroid even though the tests were normal. She gave me a website to go to...google drlowe...all one word. Believe it or not, she was right. My wife took this info to her doctor who reluctantly changed her med. Most of her pains went away. Her depression went away...and yes, her libido came back. She no longer uses antidepressants or ritalin. She uses much less of the pain meds. She can do things she hasn't done in years. Truthfully, she is better than she was before. She says it is about eight years since she felt this good.

 

I know this sounds like a commercial and kinda corny...and I guess I keep preaching it on every thread that talks of low libido, but if it helps somebody, then it is worth it. I know the discovery of this saved my wife years of more pain and depression...and it definitely saved our marriage.

 

SO, research the illness angles as well. I know he hasn't been the best of guys, but since it appears that he and you have gotten back together, I think that you owe your relationship this solution. The fact that you are seeking help is a great hope already. My wife didn't think she needed a change.

 

And to my comparison of sex to other things such as cooking and cleaning. My point is that in a marriage both partners vow to remain faithful in the sex category. When one partner decides that he or she doesn't need sex and expects the other partner to suddenly become celibate, I am angered by this. Yes, there can be physical reasons, but in my case my wife wouldn't do anything for me. Period. And then I have a hard time feeling guilty if I stray for some physical release. If I decide to use escorts for physical release, then this should not be a problem. (Even though escorts are not for emotional reasons, they serve the purpose of making the man feel like a man..especially if they are satisfied. However, it is like a fix, because when the man goes home again, his problem still stares him in the face).

 

Read The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis to get a good picture of what sex really means to men. You are right. It is a mutual expression of love. And for men, it is the best way to express love...and that isn't for selfish reasons. The frustrating thing in a relationship is that the person with the lowest sex drive controls the amount or intensity of sex. If a man cannot feel like he can satisfy his woman, he thinks less of himself and figures that another man COULD satisfy her. Then along comes a woman who makes him feel confident and attractive again. That is when he strays...wrong, yes, but it happens. Thankfully, my anger drove me to a solution before this occurred.

 

Keep looking for a solution. You will find it..if you do not quit.

[lonepearl]

sorry haven't had any time to write this whole week.

shall check out the hormonal imbalance thing.

 

re the issue of sex. i think it isn't just men - for a woman too - despite the fact that society has taught us that sex isn't as important to women - sex is an expression of love...

 

starvation from sex doesn't just affect men, but women too.

 

consider this - perhaps it is i who feels starved? and hence am not feeling motivated to get physical? because i see no pleasure in it for me?

 

food for thoguht anyway!

[burning 4 revenge]

hey lonepearl,

 

you should read my thread I want to die in the coping section and if things don't work out in your relationship then maybe.....?