Im not Jan Brady

[rubygloom]

What do you do when your H/W, after only 3.5 years of marriage, becomes your "pal" rather than your lover?

 

As in, the spouse spending all time watching TV, hanging with kids, etc. As in, the most romantic thing he did for you in the last year was to go to Kroger the morning of Mother's Day to scrounge up a gift for you. As in, a spouse who belches, farts, picks ears and examines it in front of you and thinks its funny or - "natural" while you do your best to be clean, shaven, dressed nice, lip gloss etc. As in working outside for a living, coming home sweaty,dirty, and quite stinky yet having no desire to take a shower before bed and wondering why I am not all over him. What happens to some people? Why do they get too comfortable where all the wanting to look, act, smell attractively goes out the window? Why do some feel once the ring is on, you no longer have to make the effort in pursuing romance with the other? Was I wrong in believing that marriage meant guaranteed "dates" with someone I love? Where does romance go? Why does the spouse become an unimportant "chore"? I feel like everything and everyone is more important - like Jan Brady must have felt. Why should a "significant" other, feel insignificant and left out? Yet, if I seek attention elsewhere, I am accused of thinking "the whole world revolves around me". Although, I believe in some ways, at some times, in HIS world - it should. I wear many hats during the day, but my "lover" hat has been dusty on the hook for way too long because I have no opportunity to use it. I got him to agree to a 4 day weekend just the 2 of us. He said he'd plan it all. That was a year ago.

 

When I try to state how bored, unloved, and ignored I feel - the response is to pay even more attention to everyone and everything else but me - on purpose. As if to make some twisted point. What's wrong with me for thinking the "dating" would still continue?

[Blackfrost]

Sadly I know alot of these guys who see marriage, wife, home, kids, as a checklist item, that once they are accomplished (initially)- they stop putting effort into them anymore. Some guys need a wake up call, that it can all go away if they don't start participating. Other can get really pissed off about being confronted with this kind of reality. You know your spouse the best - and need to determine if he is one of those kinds of guys who needs a swift kick in the ass to get back on board with the life he's created. You don't just start a company, then sit back and let it run itself, and expect it to flourish. You may also remind him that it's not all "just about him" anymore. There's you and children who are involved in this, and that takes work, patience, effort, love, and especially: providing a good role model (mentally and physically)for the children as well as a husband that his wife can be proud of.

Some guys take it all for granted, and that's sad. It's a partnership, and both sides have to function equally to have success.

 

Good Luck

[a4a]

Google the " the walk away wife" and print it out and just hand it to him.

 

I imagine you have communicated your needs to him to no end .......if so print it out and hand it to him.

[a4a]

BTW the title of this thread gave me a great chuckle!

 

Thanks!

[quankanne]

Marsha! Marsha Marsha Marsha!!! :p

 

What do you do when your H/W, after only 3.5 years of marriage, becomes your "pal" rather than your lover?

 

you learn to communicate your feelings and thoughts in a non-threating manner. It takes awhile, but it can be done.

 

he wants sex but you have no inclination to screw a smelly funkpot? Smile, then tell him to go bathe. He acts like your buddy and it's driving him nuts? Tell him you're not buddy material and you expect to be treated like "the" girl, not "a" girl. You want to be date material? Prepare to plan and execute those special outtings.

 

this sounds a lot like nagging, but it really isn't intended to be. Sometimes you've got to repetitively and loudly state your needs and wants and desires and dreams to your mate before they eventually get heard. The key is to be non-threatening or "naggy."

 

oh, and look into marriage enrichment programs, whether they be a class or couples counselling. The tools you acquire to better communicate with your mate are priceless, because you learn to differentiate communication from nagging.

 

good luck, and don't be force yourself into the Jan role. You're entitled to much, much more than that, even if you've got to instigate better treatment.

[magichands]

I would definitely have had the hots for Jan over Marsha. Marsha was sooo whiny.

 

But yes, I can completely understand why you want more out of a life partner than a bestest buddy.

[Outcast]

This is why I wince when people say they want 'unconditional love'. It often means 'love every burp and gas emission because it's mine'

[magichands]

This is why I wince when people say they want 'unconditional love'. It often means 'love every burp and gas emission because it's mine'

Hey! I don't go on a beans, beans, and more beans diet for my own personal pleasure. Unconditional love can still be rooted in reality.

[quankanne]

This is why I wince when people say they want 'unconditional love'. It often means 'love every burp and gas emission because it's mine'

 

:lmao: more like "What's this thing on my back? Come look at it ... pop it. No really, pop it!"

[XNemesisX]

I haven't been to LS in a looong time and this was the first post to really catch my eye

 

As luck would have it, just as I began to type my response my live in boyfriend just let out a huge, wet fart (as usual) right behind me while sleeping in the recliner

 

I completely understand how you feel, rubygloom. In my experience so far - once the "comfortable stage" sets in in a relationship, the man seems to think he no longer has to impress the woman anymore. Some (apparently) think that basic hygiene is no longer important. Belching, farting, hacking up goobers....doesn't matter anymore.

 

I am actually facing this same problem in my own relationship. My boyfriend comes home from work all stinky but won't take a shower - sometimes I have to BEG him to just wash his stinky ass. Brushing his teeth? Forget about it. He never brushes his teeth. He's too lazy to even change into clothes to sleep in before bed so he just passes out in whatever clothes he had on all day - even if they reek. He also just coughs right in my face with his smoker's cough and hacks up mucous all the time - ooohhh it really gets on my nerves

 

The last time I got a back rub or anything like that? Hmm...don't even recall. But he is always ready to demand a bj and actually thinks I am going to do that when he's too lazy to even go take a shower

 

So...I really don't have any advice for ya....because I don't even know what to do myself in my similar situation. Just wanted to rant along with you

[rubygloom]

But he is always ready to demand a bj and actually thinks I am going to do that when he's too lazy to even go take a shower

 

So...I really don't have any advice for ya....because I don't even know what to do myself in my similar situation. Just wanted to rant along with you

 

ummmmmm......yeah, I hear you! I can't tell you the number of times he has tried to guide my head down there and I can smell it half way down. After being trapped in his sweaty underwear for 12 hours while he is outside in the heat doing labor, you would think he would know this? Once I did try to indulge him and literally spent more time trying to keep from gagging. I, on the other hand, have a desk job, use perfume and scented lotions, and still 5 nights out of 7 shower quickly before bed - in case of an encounter. I still want to take care of myself (for me AND him!)

 

The magic and romance is totally gone. No flowers. No back rubs. No whispering sweet nothings...... I cant tell you the last time I saw him out of his work clothes where he wasn't wearing pull on shorts and an old shirt with holes and stains all over it. Or with the iron-on design peeling off and hanging down his back! I mean, jeans and a clean tshirt are now to dressy???????

[lindya]

ummmmmm......yeah, I hear you! I can't tell you the number of times he has tried to guide my head down there and I can smell it half way down. After being trapped in his sweaty underwear for 12 hours while he is outside in the heat doing labor, you would think he would know this? Once I did try to indulge him and literally spent more time trying to keep from gagging. I, on the other hand, have a desk job, use perfume and scented lotions, and still 5 nights out of 7 shower quickly before bed - in case of an encounter. I still want to take care of myself (for me AND him!)

 

The magic and romance is totally gone. No flowers. No back rubs. No whispering sweet nothings...... I cant tell you the last time I saw him out of his work clothes where he wasn't wearing pull on shorts and an old shirt with holes and stains all over it. Or with the iron-on design peeling off and hanging down his back! I mean, jeans and a clean tshirt are now to dressy???????

 

 

I can't keep silent any longer.

 

Tonight, you should make your man a meal fit for a king. Wear your best dress, tie your hear back, put on a crisp white apron and greet him with a passionate kiss when he gets home.

 

When he sits down to eat his MFFAK, ask him about his day. Whilst he's chattering on, listen intently with a look of rapture on your face...and with your index finger firmly entrenched in your nostril as it conducts a thorough excavation. Whatever you find in there, drop it onto his plate so that he can examine it closely.

 

Then fart, laugh raucously and shout "Squelchy! Chocolate mousse for dessert! Why not? I already pissed in the soup this evening!"

 

Then ask him if he feels ready to renegotiate mutually acceptably terms regarding behaviour in the marital home. This "A man's home is his castle...a man should be able to relax in the comfort of his own stench" is all very well...but it's your home too, and there's nothing to say a person needs to be be noisily informed of every expulsion of noxious air from their partner's body. .

[magichands]

Then fart, laugh raucously and shout "Squelchy! Chocolate mousse for dessert! Why not? I already pissed in the soup this evening!"

I don't want to get into your pants anymore.

[lindya]

I don't want to get into your pants anymore.

 

 

I knew you loved me!

 

By the way - welcome back xNemesisx.

[rubygloom]

So why does all this happen? Its not normal? Or is it? It hard to get butterflies when he kisses me when the stench is almost knocking me out. The last time there were fireworks with my H and I, it turned out to be gas. I cant remember the last time I excitedly tried to decide which outfit to wear for a romantic evening out. I hear friends talk about dates with the hubby, or candlelit dinners, flowers delivered, and I get so angry - no, jealous! How sad I am jealous. I am even jealous of the kids because they get his constant attention and he will do anything to keep smiles plastered on their faces. I used to think I wanted to get married because I was tired of the dating thing......now I want the dating thing back! Not other men, just the rest of it. Making an effort to look nice, smell nice, be nice, or (I hate to say "impress" because its not really what I mean)impress the other. I want to date my husband! Does this make sense?

 

I also feel like for a man to let himself go is more acceptable than for a woman to let herself go. This is not fair. Like if a man does it, women should be happy they are comfortable and trying to be attractive to other women (or us) but if a man does it, its a reason for cheating. I love my husband immensely, but I cant say I know why because so many things about him repulse me. I just know I do still love him.

 

I printed out the Walk out Wife stuff. It was amazing! It totally described us as if we were the model couple they used for it! I put it in the bathroom where he does his "reading" and thinking. I later asked him if he read it. He said "I glanced at it and got the gist of it." That was it. End of subject.

[magichands]

I love my husband immensely, but I cant say I know why because so many things about him repulse me. I just know I do still love him.

That's commitment for you. If only he had some of your substance.

 

Maybe you need to play nurse, and give him a sponge bath.

[lindya]

Seriously, I think being absolutely blunt - but in a jokey and affectionate way - might be your best bet. Consider the way men talk to eachother, then ask yourself whether you really need to skirt too sensitively around the issue of his poor personal hygiene. A mixture of sensual "I'm going to do A, B and C to you" combined with "but go and get a shower first, because you absolutely reek..." said in a laughing tone might be more acceptable to him. I'm guessing that if he spends half of his home life revelling in behaving like a farmyard animal, he's not going to be overly sensitive.

[Outcast]

And then these guys'll be on LS whining 'my wife doesn't want sex anymore'.

[mess4u]

Not only does he not take time to smell GOOD but he doesn't take time to make you feel GOOD about being married anymore.

 

I am having this problem with H too. He doesnt care about crap that involves my feelings. SeX I deffintly have his attention.BUt it is hard to want to give it up sometimes if your not seduced. Where My damn flowers!! I got them on the first Date.

 

How do you whip them back into shape.?

 

I have no problems dressing up and giving out gifts and folding his freaking laundry. I work all day too, I want a back rub and light the candles while your at it.

 

My husband ruined Our (MY) anniversary with this crap

 

How do you succesfully tell a Man what you need without being the B*tch?

[a4a]

This is the Tater thread with multiple posters......

 

My H was like this minus the nasty stinky parts...... he is well mannered but had no clue how to be thoughtful or what I needed in spite of my communication with him.......

 

I googled the walk away wife and handed it to him.

 

I was just looking online for a training manual for him.....

 

Dating Your Wife seems like a good pick.

 

I do get flowers now, my dinner cooked, and everything has improved in many ways but not to the extent I expect and demand.... oooooh I said demand..... because saying want did not cut it with him.

 

In turn with his improvement I now treat him much better. Win Win for both of us.... but I had to do something about it or he would have just kept plunking along and woke up one day to find me gone.