Why can't I give up

[digger]

Been a long time since I've been here although i still read everyones messages.

I'm now 2 yrs and 4 months into separation/divorce and about 8 months into total NC.

I now only let it bother me when I think about it (which unfortuneately is more often than not) and let myself slip. About 6 weeks ago when I sent her a card on the anniversary of our meeting. It said, "til we meet again, somehow, someway" blah blah blah...and a short note about how I would never fail again if given the chance...and I hear nary a word. Nary a, "i got your card, please QUIT!!!"

I just cant accept total banishment by someone who 2 weeks before the papers came was telling me how much she loved me..and "i really repsect you for all you do"...I mean, if it were all in reverse I know damn well my anger wouldve subsided by now to the point of maybe calling and saying "i miss you" or some other drivel. But total silence is the worst.

I guess I get crosssed up by what I think or see. Example: I saw her face for the first time in 1 1/2 years a few wks ago. I was waiting on my daughter at a function when daughter drove up with EW and some ex in laws and parked about 100 ft away. As I inched toward daughter (with sunglasses on) I was peering into the car and she had an open mouth stare (at me) and wasnt muttering a word to those inside. I got a really big vibe that it was an "i miss him" stare. Maybe. Of course, I didnt acknowledge her at all.

Sometimes I cant help but think if she had more nerve, and not so fearful of my side of the family after the terrible things she said about all of us, that there might be a chance (in hell). The PRIDE factor. And now living so close to her side of the family, its easy to get in the "comfort mode" and not act of anything. Is there any way i could possibly, remotely, be thinking the right things because of what I see (and dont hear)?