4 yr raltionship, crush on someone else!

[Guest]

I have never felt so confused in my life . . .

 

My bf and I have been together for 4 years now and have lived together for the past 1 and a half. We're both 26. I'd say that for the most part we have a good, solid relationship, but to my horror I have developed a crush on someone else!

 

This is a person I work with - I am not even sure why I would have a crush on this person as he is not the type of guy I could see myself in a serious relationship with and he smokes (I hate smoking). I think the attraction is based on the fact that we can talk so easily and have the same sense of humor and like a lot of the same things.

 

I am suddenly torn between feelings of wanting to be "free and single" and fearing that I will throw away something good that I will never be able to replace. I don't necessarily find myself wanting to be single so that I can pursue this crush, just wanting a sense of freedom in general. There is also a huge fundamental difference in what my boyfriend and I want for the future that has been bothering me a lot lately, too. He wants kids more than anything, and I for the most part do not. I am not sure if I would ever change my mind or how I will feel in the future. This tears me up inside.

 

While my bf and I get along fine, I often feel that we are not truly friends. We've never had long conversations about what our hopes and dreams, nor do we laugh for hours on end about nothing and everything the way friends can. That type of connection has never really been there, and it is something I wish we had. You know when people say, "I married my best friend"? I want that. Maybe that's asking for too much though, not every relationship can be perfect.

 

Is this crush a sign that I am dissatisfied and need to move on? That I am missing something that I will always miss? Is my desire to be single and free fleeting selfishness due to the fact that I never really had that when I was younger? God, I have never felt so confused, because at the same time I want the comfort of knowing that I have this person that is there for me, and me for him . . .

 

Any advice is much appreciated.

[Aloros]

From what I hear, having a crush on another person is normal in a serious relationship and doesn't necessarily mean anything. My experience, however, has been different.

 

I dated my bf for 5.5 years, and for a long time, had never even so much as glanced at another guy. I, too, developed a crush on someone at work. I started asking myself why I was having these feelings and began to realize, over the course of a year, that I was growing increasingly unhappy with my relationship. My bf couldn't keep his word; he'd promised me things that he'd never deliver on, and when I'd bring them up, he'd say that I was "pressuring" him (and sometimes it took YEARS, and never any result! Some pressure, huh?). We had so little in common. I could never really talk with him about the things I loved. We were at different points in our lives - he still in school, while I had finished two years earlier. I realized the things that were attracting me to the guy at work were things that were missing in my relationship (It didn't help that he also had the traits that had attracted me to the current bf).

 

I tried, over that year, to "fix" those missing things in my relationship. It didn't work. We broke up a couple times, got back together, and broke up for the last time a couple months ago. By that time it was a relief. Each time we had got back together, even though I'd pushed for it, there was a part of me that was severely disappointed. My ex was a nice guy, just not for me.

 

I'm now dating the guy from work who, it turns out, has had a crush on me as well. Funny how life works, huh?

 

I'm not suggesting you dump your boyfriend and date your crush, but I think you should take this time to re-evaluate your relationship. Obviously, as you've stated, you're attracted to this guy because he offers what you're not getting. Have you expressed this to your boyfriend? Do you think these are things that could possibly be improved?

 

Last bit of advice - don't settle. I always thought I would be lonely or miserable if I broke up with my ex, and for a little while, I was. But after that passed, I realized that I was happier on my own than I was being in a relationship with him. Think things over. Good luck.

[MissJ]

Hmmmmm......... Its kinda hard for me reading what your talking about. I am actually on the opposite end of this situation. I have been with my BF for 10years. And just recently he has decided that maybe we should take a break and work on being friends. He says we dont have a good friendship and we should. I imagine kind of what you are talking about.....

 

So A few days after the "break" I hear a message from a girl saying hello, not sure if your off work yet but call me if you want. He swore that they were just friends but as his girl for 10 years shouldnt I know this??? The girl also said that they were just friends too, but she had no Idea about me. Does your Co-worker know that you have a BF????

 

He also said that he feels like he lives in a bubble and would like to get out a little.

 

So my questions to you are, how long have you been feeling like this about this other person??? Has it affected the way you treat your BF??

 

Do you and your co-worker talk outside of work??? And if so does your BF know???? And are you just thinking that this person is cool or that you may want to be more than just friends.

 

How come working on being friends isnt an option with your BF???

 

Does this make sense???

 

So to take a "break" maybe he wants his freedom like you and also wants to maybe persue this with the co-worker. Its hurtful to me because I sit here while he decides where HE would like to go.

 

If you do break it off with your BF.....will you tell him the real reason y??

[Nur]

I think it's normal to notice other people when in a long term relationship. After all, people are not biologically designed for monogamy.

 

Mostly, it's a choice. A commitment. Do you think this person is worth it? Or are you fundamentally tired and unhappy? The whole "I am so blinded by love" feeling isn't meant to last forever. After a while, things simmer down to a more calm love. That's when you need to make a choice to stay, or realize that this relationship is not what you want.

 

Take some time. Think about it. But noticing someone else might not necessarily be a sign that you need to break up. Re-evaluate, perhaps. Talk about problems that are surfacing. But you need to decide if it's worth giving it a shot.