No contact -- my experience

[Guest]

Hi everybody,

 

I've been reading this forum on and off since my gf broke up with me last year, after almost three years of an intense relationship (we lived together for more than two years). We're both in our mid-twenties.

 

After she broke up with me I was very lonely and depressed. I couldn't sleep (for weeks I'd wake up all sweaty with a rapidly beating heart), I couldn't eat, and I had no idea what to do with my life. Especially during the first weeks after the break-up LS was incredibly helpful, both as a source of hope that she might come back and as a guide for how to cope in the meanwhile. I'm really grateful and feel I ought to give something back in return -- hence this post.

 

I've never posted here before because I had nothing to say. But things have changed recently: over the weekend I spent seven hours with her! Turns out she got dumped and needed someone close to talk to. Since the break-up we've both independently moved to nearby cities in a new country (as planned before the break-up) and she doesn't seem to have made any close friends yet.

 

While we were together over the weekend I did my best to listen (which used to be a problem with me), and she really opened up (which used to be a problem with her). I tried to cheer her up, I concentrated on her having a good time... and it looks like it worked. After she left, she sent me an email suggesting that we should do things together from time to time. Coming from her, this is a tacit admission that she's willing to think about us again.

 

 

I don't want to talk about the future -- I have fairly clear ideas on what to do, similar to what Universe did (if any of you remember his posts; do look them up, they're very good) and what Blase Harris says in his book ("love you ex-lover back to you"). I also realize that my ex is very confused right now and needs space to heal and think about her life. (After she broke up with me, she barely slept for three weeks and lost a lot of weight, and then jumped straight into her next relationship.) On my side, I think I'm finally ready to date other people, and will certainly do so. I know she will do the same.

 

What I *do* want to talk about is my opinion on a favourite subject here on LS: no contact and how strict it should be.

 

Let me start out by saying that it's a complicated subject and the right answer -- if there is one -- is likely to vary depending on your circumstances. In our case I came to the conclusion that she was right to break up with me because the relationship really *was* broken. Just so that you understand, we are both quite unusual with lots of issues and peculiarities, we have different personalities (she's hyperactive and I'm lazy and contemplative), we come from different countries and cultures, we have religious differences, and so on. From her point of view, the way I was at the time, it would never have worked. I'm certain that up until the weekend she thought I would never change, and so I think she was very surprised (and quite impressed) when she saw me -- I have changed a lot in the seven months since the break-up.

 

I don't think we would have met up had *I* not got in touch with her a few weeks ago (shortly after she got back, as it turns out), and again on Friday afternoon. I was a terrible mess after the break-up (crying and begging and sending her presents... all the things you shouldn't do!), and I think she was afraid that by getting in touch with me she'd only hurt me again. So my first problem was to persuade her that I was fine and could handle contact with her -- especially contact when she would tell me *again* that she had no interest in getting back together.

 

And had we not met up and had she not seen me in person, she would never have thought about us as a couple -- early on during the day she said with absolute conviction, "but you agree it would never have worked between us?" (I said I agreed that the relationship was broken, that we did lots of things wrong, that we were both unhappy and that I certainly didn't want to go back to it.)

 

So clearly no contact is not the full answer, unless you have lots of mutual friends, you keep hearing about each other from them, and are likely to see each other accidentally from time to time. (But that's hardly "no contact", is it? What's the difference between talking to a mutual friend and sending a short email?)

 

But on the other hand I'm really glad we went with it -- for the record, for more than six months, with the single exception of a few quite strange emails (initiated by me) after two months.

 

Interestingly, she was the one who initiated no contact (after several abortive attempts from my side). Immediately after the break-up, during the first month, we kept seeing each other and sending each other emails, but I'm fairly certain it only made things worse and pushed her further away. If you can't eat and sleep, if you're hurt and in pain, you're in no position to talk to your ex.

 

I kept seeing her with a new guy (whom I vaguely knew, and knew what she thought of him while we were together: nothing special and not particuarly interesting... we're very honest with each other, so I believe her). About a month after the break-up we were all in the same room, I said to her, "oh hello, I didn't think you'd be here"... and she just turned away towards him and didn't reply! (Which *really* hurt.) Apparently they "clicked" (her word) about three weeks after the break-up -- the lowest point for her -- and over the next few months she really fell for him. I thought he was a classic rebound; but since the weekend I saw her photos (she showed me her new website) and he's quite a good guy, she clearly loved him a lot, and was so incredibly happy with him. Had I googled her at any point during the past few months and found her new website, I'm fairly certain I would have fallen to pieces.... so don't!

 

 

Conclusions? It's a difficult ballance to strike. NC is *the* way heal and sort yourself out, and yes, it does make her curious. Don't over-estimate your abilites (like I did during the first month), every time she's with you and it feels strange in some way, it really does push her further away. Err on the side of no contact.

 

But if you want to get her back, no contact may not be sufficient. Relationships take work, especially if they're damaged; if your problems involved a lack of communication and lack of care from your side, no contact won't magically solve them. And until you persuade her they can be solved, she won't even think about coming back.

 

I would like to end by saying that despite what a lot of people here say, there *IS* hope. A week ago I would *never* have imagined that we'd spend a pleasant day together and that at the end of it, she'd send me an email saying we should do it again!

[DivaAlec]

Wow! you have given me A LOT of hope! I am a girl who is going through this NC thing, it just started. But the reason we broke up was because he moved. I would really like to talk to you and possibly share my situation if you are interested in listening and maybe giving some advice. You seem like you really have your stuff together, so please PM me when you get a chance and maybe you can give me some insight into what I am going through! Thanks!!!

[gypsy]

I don't seem to be able to PM you -- looks like I need to be an established member for that?! I'm really sorry... but if you can outline your situation here, I'll do my best.

 

I've noticed you're 17. Hmmm... I think relationships are quite different at that age, I may not be the right person to talk to. But if you broke up because he moved away, especially if neither of you had control over it, then I think there's always a chance. I'm sure he will always think about you and wonder how things would have worked out. But please bear in mind that people change a lot when they go to college / university...

[roadrun007]

My girlfriend of over a year broke up with me one month ago. She needed to work on herself so we remained good friends with possibility of us talking later on. Well about 9 days ago, I did something stupid. I lied to her and deceeted her. She told me she needs space and time to even decide if she wants to be my friend let alone my GF. Everyday is so hard. I try not to contact her. There was been couple days at most. It is so hard not to pick up the phone and text her. I don't know how much longer I can go before I break down. How did you manage? Its taking everything inside me not to contact her. I know this is what she needs and feel it is working, but I am about to explode. I want her back so bad, I just want to talk to her. I really want her back as my friend. I don't know how much more time she needs. I feel myself about to slip every sec. I keep trying to remain strong. Any suggestions? Your post gives us all hope. I think I have completely lost her as my GF, but maybe I can have her as my friend again (if I don't explode).

[DivaAlec]

Yeah, I realized after I sent you that reply that you wouldn't be able to PM me. But here's basically what happened:

I had been seeing this wonderful guy for about four and a half months. When we first met, we clicked instantly. We talked for hours and we spent a lot of time together. The connection was amazing! We made a point of showing everyone else that we were together, but we were not "boyfriend and girlfriend".

 

After about a month of seeing eachother we starting sleeping together. Everything was going great. One night I asked him if we were an "official" couple. He said that he didn't want a serious relationship because he was leaving in a few months and he didn't want to get too attached. He said we were an item and together, we wouldn't be seeing anyone else, we just wouldn't have the title. I was fine with that. Here's the thing. He is moving about 5 hours south of where i live so he didn't want to get too close to me. Things were great.

 

About a month ago, he took me on a week long vacation to Disneyland. We had a blast. While we were there, he told me that he was starting to fall in love with me and that was scaring him. He didn't want to get too attached and then have to leave me. We talked a little bit about the long distance thing, and we decided that we would figure it out when we got to that point.

 

A few weeks after we got back, he called me and I ended up telling him that I was in love with him and that I really thought we had something special. I told him I was willing to go and visit him every other weekend, and offered to let him stay at my place if he ever wanted to visit me. He told me he would think about what I said. A few days later, he told me that he wasn't in love with me, but he liked me a lot. He said that he didn't think a long distance thing would work because he wouldn't get to see me enough. We decided we would stay together until he left. A week later we talked more about it, and he told me that if he wasn't leaving he would be in love with me and we would still be together. He said that the thing holding him back was the fact that he was leaving. He told me he still wants to be friends, because he really cares about me, and that he wants me to go visit him whenever I can.

 

I texted him the night before he left just telling him that I missed him and was thinking about him. I haven't seen him for over 2 weeks, I had a chance last week but decided against it. I told him that I just needed to let him go, and it would be too hard to see him. I felt like texting him the other night was a bad idea, so I am going to just let him initiate everything. I'm thinking in a few weeks I may email him pictures of our trip to Disneyland. He told me he wanted them and it would be a way to give him my email without it being so obvious. I really care about him, and I know we have a connection. I know he felt it too. I wrote him a note thanking him for coming into my life and taking me to Disneyland and everything. It basically just told him what a wonderful guy he is. I dropped it off last week, actually the day I was supposed to see him, at his house. He was out of town, but his mom's bf was home so I was able to put it on my pillow. Does this sound like a completely hopless situation? Am I fooling myself?

[scrybe74]

It's good to hear things are going great for you. I strongly believe that NC is the best rout in these situations and there's a reason it's the most often used response. It's true and it works. The confusion is about what exactly is working. Using NC to get someone back is a mistake. Using NC to heal and learn from you mistake is the best option and (in my opinion) the best way for any possible healthy reconciliation. Which is what seems to be happening with you. It sounds that after some time has gone by and you healed that and sought to better yourself as a person that you feel ready to communicate with her again. NC fails miserably when people think that in a a few weeks or months there story will turn into yours. Many times they never hear from the ex again. It's why we don't advise people to sit around and hope for the ex to come back. To dwell on that means that you will never get past your intitial pain and get towards healing.

 

So the real question you need to ask yourself is this: After you've had some contact with her now....are you prepared for the fact that in spite of your changes that she still may not choose to come back to you? If you would be driven back to depression then you might be making a mistake.

 

Hope it all ends well for you.

[gypsy]

Well about 9 days ago, I did something stupid. I lied to her and deceeted her. She told me she needs space and time to even decide if she wants to be my friend let alone my GF.

That's bad... I don't think I've ever lied to her, and am not aware of her ever lying to me. What did you say?

 

Everyday is so hard. I try not to contact her. There was been couple days at most. It is so hard not to pick up the phone and text her. I don't know how much longer I can go before I break down. How did you manage? Its taking everything inside me not to contact her.

To be honest, I don't even know. Time flies. For the first month I kept initiating contact much more than her and could never stick with NC. I kept getting really annoyed with myself. I think to an extent it's a skill to be learned, you need to control yourself and you need to learn how to cope with being alone and not hearing from her. (I would read LS back to front, go to the gym, swim and run obsessively, and I started ballroom dancing. Exercise, new hobbies and contact with new people are all really good to take your mind off things... I found that with my old friends I'd just end up talking about her all the time.)

 

After about a month she never replied to a text message (the first time that happened) and a week later she just turned away when I said "hello" to her in person, and that was a real shock. And it just so happened that later on that evening I met someone else (enraged -- she won't talk to me? fine!!! I'll find someone else!!!) and was busy obsessing about her for the next few weeks. It didn't work out in the end (I was going to move to a different country), but it kept me busy.

 

Then after three months when I thought I was "over her" (yeah right) I sent her a short email (about some of her things I kept), she replied I replied she replied I replied... and then she never replied. I found that really hard to cope with and spent almost a week feeling really ****. And I thought to myself, serves you right for emailing her, you idiot. But overall I don't think those emails were a mistake, I think they were neutral or slightly positive... they showed her I cared about her and was willing to talk, and made it clear that the reason we weren't talking was because of her.

 

Four months after the break-up I moved to a different country, and that's another good idea. For a month beforehand you're busy worrying about it, for two months after the move you're busy settling in, and that gives you three months. New place new people new life, nothing to remind you of her... does wonders.

 

But after two months in the new country -- and failing to meet anyone I'd be really interested in -- I started thinking about her again, you do get lonely. By that time there were quite a few things I wanted to tell her (five months of thinking about us), so I started writing her a long email. I kept spending forever on it, hours and hours, always rewriting it and starting from scratch. In the end I got sick of it, because I realized I wasn't good enough to write something that would have quite the right effect... you know, cheerful, caring, interesting, not clingy, yadidadidah.

 

We ended up on a few work-related emails, so for the last one I just replied to her saying something like, "hi, made me think of you, how are you how's the new place?"... then she replied I replied she replies I replied... and she never replied. Same pattern as earlier. But this time it was much easier to deal with, because I had a new life and in those emails I managed to say a lot of what I had wanted to tell her in that long email I never wrote. I had nothing more to say and no desire to get in touch.

 

Except, she did mention that she'd be in my town over the next weekend for a race. I thought, hmmmm, she always wanted me to go to her races, maybe I should go. So last Friday I sent her a short email saying she never replied to my last email, that it was fine with me and she shouldn't worry about it, that I'll go and cheer her because I wanted to see her race (which I really did), but that I wouldn't try and see her afterwards -- I had things to do (I did). But if she wanted to meet up I could postpone them. And the rest you know...

 

I know this is what she needs and feel it is working, but I am about to explode. I want her back so bad, I just want to talk to her. I really want her back as my friend. I don't know how much more time she needs. I feel myself about to slip every sec. I keep trying to remain strong. Any suggestions? Your post gives us all hope. I think I have completely lost her as my GF, but maybe I can have her as my friend again (if I don't explode).

Hmmm, tricky. What do you want to say to her? Did you think about why she broke up with you? Can you resolve those issues? Is there anything new you want to say to her (e.g. about the lie)? Is now an approapriate time to be saying those things? Just saying "I want you back" comes across as selfish, because it's all about you and your needs. (I haven't told my ex-gf yet, mostly because I know that at this point she'd still say "no" and it would screw everything up. Ambiguity is your friend.) There are still quite a few things I want to tell her at some point (e.g. about her religion), but feel that it isn't the right time yet.

 

You sound very desperate to talk to her, which is always a bad sign. You need to feel strong and confident that you can charm her back.

[gypsy]

It's good to hear things are going great for you. I strongly believe that NC is the best rout in these situations and there's a reason it's the most often used response. It's true and it works. The confusion is about what exactly is working. Using NC to get someone back is a mistake. Using NC to heal and learn from you mistake is the best option and (in my opinion) the best way for any possible healthy reconciliation. Which is what seems to be happening with you. It sounds that after some time has gone by and you healed that and sought to better yourself as a person that you feel ready to communicate with her again. NC fails miserably when people think that in a a few weeks or months there story will turn into yours. Many times they never hear from the ex again. It's why we don't advise people to sit around and hope for the ex to come back. To dwell on that means that you will never get past your intitial pain and get towards healing.

 

I agree 100%. You managed to say in a paragraph what took me twenty!

 

So the real question you need to ask yourself is this: After you've had some contact with her now....are you prepared for the fact that in spite of your changes that she still may not choose to come back to you? If you would be driven back to depression then you might be making a mistake.

I think I can. Meeting up with her was a strong reminder of all the issues I had with her, it's funny how much you forget and idealize away. If it doesn't work out, well, maybe it's for the better -- but at least I tried!

 

But I also got flashes and glimpses of what she could be like, or rather of what she *wants* to be like, and those few brief moments blew me away. I got hints of it towards the end of our relationship, it was almost as if she was undergoing a metamorphosis into someone else. It isn't complete and the new guy obviously didn't understand what was going on with her (he was younger than her and quite inexperienced)... but I find it very tempting and would love to see the end result.

 

Since I moved to the new country I haven't met anyone I'd be half interested in (neither has she), but then again I now live in a small beach town (cool but quite provincial). There's a big cosmopolitan city nearby and I keep thinking that there *has* to be a slim smart interesting woman in there somewhere... so I'm not pinning my hopes on her, far from it.

[norajane]

Since I moved to the new country I haven't met anyone I'd be half interested in (neither has she), but then again I now live in a small beach town (cool but quite provincial). There's a big cosmopolitan city nearby and I keep thinking that there *has* to be a slim smart interesting woman in there somewhere... so I'm not pinning my hopes on her, far from it.

 

I'm glad you're not, because I suspect it would be very, very hard for you to see her with another man. How do you think you'd react if she started telling you about the really fantastic guy she met yesterday...or two months from now if she tells you she's spending all her free time with that guy and doesn't have time to see you? And then maybe she calls again when he breaks up with her and uses your shoulder to cry on?

 

That's what happens when you end up in the 'friends' stage after you've been in a relationship and things don't work out.

[gypsy]

I'm glad you're not, because I suspect it would be very, very hard for you to see her with another man. How do you think you'd react if she started telling you about the really fantastic guy she met yesterday...or two months from now if she tells you she's spending all her free time with that guy and doesn't have time to see you?

Maybe I'm naive, but she isn't the sort of person who'd do that. (She's very unusual in many ways.) Throughout the break-up she always went out of her way not to hurt me, and did a lot to help me -- she left her laptop with me for two weeks until I could sort out mine, she left most of her dishes with me even though it made life difficult for her, etc.

 

And she never told me or any of my close friends about her new guy, until this weekend. (We managed to work out a lot of it, but it was from random sightings, rumours and her vague hints.)

 

And then maybe she calls again when he breaks up with her and uses your shoulder to cry on?

It's a possibility. But just so that you understand, she complained a couple of times (literally: once or twice in three years) that I never gave her any emotional support (which is true). I never realized this was a problem until I talked it over after the break-up with an older female friend of mine (who's in her 40s)... and she was horrified.

 

And my ex-gf didn't exactly cry, someone who doesn't know her would have no idea of how hurt she was. She's incredibly strong, never whinges or whines (unlike me), and very rarely talks about herself. In fact that she talked about herself so much was the only hint (I mean, apart from her mentioning directly that *he* split up with *her*) that something was up. But then she said in the email afterwards that she tried to be open with me, because we've always had problems with that.

[waitingforlove]

Hi everyone and "Guest" who started this thread,

I am actually quite glad to run into this thread -- because the situation is more similar to mine, although I'm the female who got dumped in my case. Guest, I have a question: I saw that you said your ex was the one who initiated NC. Well, my ex at first wanted to remain friends with me, but then after I told him repeatedly that I still cared about him, evidently it scared him off even more, and he told a friend of ours that he wanted me to move on. Then he emailed me and said we should take a break from even contacting one another. So in other words, he was the dumper, and he also initiated NC. I'm actually feeling a lot better now, and a part of me is not even sure I want him back anymore -- I don't want somebody who would treat me like a doormat when I give him my heart. But indeed, sometimes I still hope perhaps we would be friends again in the future. I keep wondering about something that perhaps you could answer: Do you think the dumper (in your case, your ex; in my case, mine) actually misses us since they initiated NC? I tend to think that since my ex initiated NC, perhaps he is pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and he won't miss me at all. But reading your story makes me start to think that it might or might not be true. What do you think, in your experience?

[gypsy]

I'm glad you're not, because I suspect it would be very, very hard for you to see her with another man.

I should add, I know the odds right now are that she'll find someone else. Like I said I don't think she'd rub it in my face, she'd just cut contact with me as before, maybe after a hint or two.

 

What would I do? I don't think she has a fraction of the power over me she used to. (She still has some, but it's fading fast.) She used to be the only good thing in my life, but that isn't true anymore. I've started surfing (yay, long live beach towns!), I really like the new place, I'm having a good time, and my work is going really well (it wasn't when she was with me).

 

I'm quite self-confident now (again, I wasn't when I was with her) and I'm sure sooner or later I'll find someone else, maybe not as smart as her but perhaps sexier and more feminine and with half her issues.

[gypsy]

Hi everyone and "Guest" who started this thread,

I am actually quite glad to run into this thread -- because the situation is more similar to mine, although I'm the female who got dumped in my case.

I created an account for myself, so Guest=gypsy.

 

As people have noted on LS before, men and women are quite different. E.g. I don't think "loving her back" would work for getting a guy back, especially if he felt smothered in the first place. So take my case with a pinch of salt.

 

That said...

 

Guest, I have a question: I saw that you said your ex was the one who initiated NC. Well, my ex at first wanted to remain friends with me,

Same here.

 

but then after I told him repeatedly that I still cared about him, evidently it scared him off even more, and he told a friend of ours that he wanted me to move on. Then he emailed me and said we should take a break from even contacting one another. So in other words, he was the dumper, and he also initiated NC.

Yep, same pattern. She didn't actually tell my friends (or me), she just stopped talking to me.

 

I'm actually feeling a lot better now,

Glad to hear that! It does get better, especially if you make an effort to do something with your life. It's very hard at first and all the little things you do seem utterly pointless, but they do add up.

 

I keep wondering about something that perhaps you could answer: Do you think the dumper (in your case, your ex; in my case, mine) actually misses us since they initiated NC? I tend to think that since my ex initiated NC, perhaps he is pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and he won't miss me at all. But reading your story makes me start to think that it might or might not be true. What do you think, in your experience?

Good question. I don't actually know, but I'm curious myself so I'll ask her if we ever get closer (as friends or otherwise!).

 

My current guess is that she didn't miss me (though at the time I kept fooling myself that she did). I think she was really happy with her new guy and rarely looked back, except to worry about me moving on (for my own sake) or doing something stupid.

 

I don't know why she went NC, either. Maybe it was a signal for me to move on, maybe she wanted to avoid awkward situations, but my hunch is that she made a firm decision in her mind to move on, she had a new guy she was interested in (and who was interested in her), and she wanted to concentrate on that. I think initially it may have been a sign that she wasn't completely over me (like I said she also had a hard time over the break-up), but once the new relationship got going and she was happy, there was no reason to talk to me. (Why bring up all the pain?)

 

But the lesson seems to be that this is the wrong question. The question is, does she think about me now that things aren't as rosy as she thought? Well, obviously she thought about me enough to send me three emails on Friday night asking me what I wanted to do over the weekend.

[lemon]

gypsy, she's obviously thinking about you. But don't take that as an indication that she definitely wants to get back together although it sounds like she's thinking about it and misses you. Keep a bit of distance, don't jump straight back in and get heavy straight away!

 

when my ex dumped me I was also very smothering and he tried to initiate nc and told me that we shouldn't contact each other. 2 weeks later he was back to the occasional text message and now we're back to being good friends. I'm sure if I were to go heavy on him though he'd back off. But remember that gals and guys aren't the same, I like a guy to show he's interested so maybe it's ok for a guy to be a bit more forward. What does anyone else think?

[roadrun007]

That's bad... I don't think I've ever lied to her, and am not aware of her ever lying to me. What did you say?

 

I have a post in here called "I screwed up" its several days old. It tells my whole story. I had couple responces, but nothing really helped. I really like you to read it if you get a chance.

 

 

Hmmm, tricky. What do you want to say to her? Did you think about why she broke up with you? Can you resolve those issues? Is there anything new you want to say to her (e.g. about the lie)? Is now an approapriate time to be saying those things? Just saying "I want you back" comes across as selfish, because it's all about you and your needs. (I haven't told my ex-gf yet, mostly because I know that at this point she'd still say "no" and it would screw everything up. Ambiguity is your friend.) There are still quite a few things I want to tell her at some point (e.g. about her religion), but feel that it isn't the right time yet.

 

I just want to talk to her. I just want to hear her voice. She wasn't just my GF or just my friend, she was my best friend. Someone I could always talk to. We would talk hours upon hours everyday. She is my soulmate. I just want to tell her don't give up on me. Don't give up on us. Remember the good times we had. Remember the love you had for me.

 

She broke up with cause she wanted to work on herself. It wasn't anything I did or she did. Just needing some time to work on things. But these past 10days, it was because of my lie and deceet. I don't think there is much to resolve except I have been working extremely hard on myself with lying. Something that I had been working on before, just not as hard.

 

I know saying I want her back is selfish. I really just want her as a friend right now. I want to give her the space she wants. I think she is using it though as a way out or a way to get over me. I think she just wants me to get over her as well, but I can't. I don't know what to do. To leave her alone or send an email showing my thoughts. I just miss her so much.

[DivaAlec]

Ok so about this whole NC thing, I think everyone that has read this post is familiar with my story...anyways, he texted me last night. He has only been down there 3 days, and I thought it was going to take weeks for him to contact me. I kept it short and sweet, and he was just saying hi and what's up. I didn't know if I should have responded, but I wanted to be polite and show him that I'm not going to be a bitch. So yeah... that's my update so far...