is repeated hurting abuse???

[sugarplum]

Lets say you injured your leg and spent weeks in physical therapy and are still healing. There is a sexual position that aggravates this injury that your SO/H keeps doing. Every night he is told it hurts. I mean hurts to where the woman is no longer turned on and just "does her duty". Hurts to where a healing injury has gotten worse again. Every night the SO/H tries this manueuver, and every time it hurts and she tells him so. The next day she often tells him again, asking why he keeps doing it knowing that it hurts her. She is out of covered physical therapy visits and the injury is now worse than it was originally. And then, he lays off the one leg, and does it to the other instead so now both legs have this injury. He knows it hurts, he keeps doing it to her. Is this abuse? and if so, what kind? it effects her physically but in a sexual way. Of course it causes emotional pain as well that he would keep doing this.

[magichands]

Love is all about sacrifice. And respect.

 

I see the sacrifice, and not so much of the respect.

 

But then one has the right to refuse the misuse of their body. So why are they so submissive?! I guess girl power turned into girl sour.

[norajane]

Yes, that sounds abusive and selfish of him. So why don't you stop having sex with him completely until he agrees to stop hurting you?

[scrybe74]

I would say it's abuse. But I don't understand why the woman doesn't just stop having sex with him until her body heals? Or insist on having sex in more comfortable positions that she can enjoy. At this point it sounds like glorified masterbation for him and hell for her.

[Becoming]

It's something approximating abuse if not hitting it on the mark. And this is tolerated because . . .????

 

The guy is obviously not getting it, so he shouldn't be getting it, if ya know what I mean. One way or another, it's gotta STOP!

[sugarplum]

The muscles that are affected are in the groin area (obviously) and she was told it could take months to heal. The injury went so long that it threw her hip and bottom 3 or 4 vertebae out of whack. She doesn't feel she can just say "sorry honey, no sex for 3 to 4 months". Also, she really wants to have sex with him, and enjoy it, and she keeps hoping that "this time" he wont do it again. I mean he doesn't warn her in order to say "no", by the time it occurs its too late. I dont really know too much of the medical stuff, but the upper leg muscles are really tight - abnormally tight. So certain positions sort of hyperextend this (these) muscles. I guess she just keeps hoping that it wont happen again. He doesn't seem to get it that he is causing her pain - even while she was still in physical therapy. I would naturally assume that while in therapy, the area needs to be treated with care.....but he apparently only has himself on his mind. He has never hurt her physically in any way before, so she doesn't know what to make of it.....

 

......and its NOT me, I swear! I want to know how to advise this person. Frankly, I dont think I could take it for weeks on end. I would feel like it was on purpose. Or at the least I would feel it was out of a total lack of concern. I just want to know if others agree. I feel its a form of abuse even though he is not really "assaulting" her.

[magichands]

I want to know how to advise this person.

"Take your doctor's advice!!!!"

[sugarplum]

w/e magichands. if you really gotta know, you should read some of my other posts. my husband and I dont really even have sex, so it couldn't be me. but thanks for your concern.

[Becoming]

I had a groin injury when I was doing gymnastics while still a virgin YEARS ago, but I can still remember the pain and how long it took to heal. It's not a good injury, and I can see where sex would hurt it.

 

There are positions, though, where it wouldn't hurt, and these could be fun to try. There's always manual and oral sex.

 

But why is this guy so intent on only one way when he knows it hurts his partner? My DH would never do this to me, and I've had lots of back problems that have caused us to have to get creative. Sex is about mutuality or it's really not good.

[sugarplum]

 

But why is this guy so intent on only one way when he knows it hurts his partner?

 

Honestly, I dont care to know all the juicy details, but I think he likes to change positions frequently and the offending position always ends up being one of the. And supposedly he doesn't cum very easily with oral.

[magichands]

w/e magichands. if you really gotta know, you should read some of my other posts. my husband and I dont really even have sex, so it couldn't be me. but thanks for your concern.

Notice the quotes. That's what you should say to your friend.

 

Whatever.

[sugarplum]

I guess I just assumed, that's what you meant since you said I was ridiculous earlier. And I know what happens when we assume. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it "too personally or seriously".

 

And I assume with regular check ups, the doctor knows.....but I dont know that physical therapists really advise people on their sexual or domestic relationships.

[magichands]

And I assume with regular check ups, the doctor knows.....but I dont know that physical therapists really advise people on their sexual or domestic relationships.

Screw the sex. She needs to do whatever she needs to do to get better!!!! That's her responsibility.

 

And come on now. Don't tell me you can't have sex with a crook leg. The doctor will probably just advise which positions (not necessarily sexual) to avoid.

 

PS: I am a meanie.

[sugarplum]

Screw the sex. She needs to do whatever she needs to do to get better!!!! That's her responsibility.

 

And come on now. Don't tell me you can't have sex with a crook leg. The doctor will probably just advise which positions (not necessarily sexual) to avoid.

 

PS: I am a meanie.

 

You are right. I will tell her its her responsibility.

 

Its not about the leg. its about groin muscles. And she already knows what positions to avoid - its that someone puts her into them. It only takes a second to hook a knee by the elbow and pull the leg in one quick motion. I just asked if most folks saw this as abuse.

 

and I know.

[Becoming]

If the guy knows and it keeps happening EVEN AS SHE PROTESTS that that hurts ("No, I can't do that; it hurts!"), then, yes, I'd qualify that as abuse.

Maybe in the heat of the moment he forgets, but if she says something and he does anyway, then, hello? why is she there?

[hotgurl]

Does she tell him to stop when he is doing it during sex.

 

I recently had a problem where I couldn't do a sexaul position it is my SO's favorite and the first time I stopped him and then the next time he just did it unthinkly in the heat of the moment and I stopped him and now we have tried it more cautiously. But he would forget the first few times after I got hurt. he was caught up in the sex. Now it is better and he would ask for the position instead of putting me in it.

 

But I would never just lay there and let him finish if I was in pain.

 

I guess it could be considered abuse but also how does she handle it and what is his answer for doing it over and over.

 

i would say next time he does it stop sex completly mid stream do that a couple times and he should wise up.

[Trimmer]

I want to know how to advise this person.

 

Honestly, I dont care to know all the juicy details, but I think....

Really, though, if you are going to put yourself in the position of advising her, you can't avoid the details - they are important. For example:

 

...every time it hurts and she tells him so. The next day she often tells him again, asking why he keeps doing it knowing that it hurts her.

What is his answer when she asks him why he does it? Does he refuse to acknowledge what is happening?

[sugarplum]

 

What is his answer when she asks him why he does it? Does he refuse to acknowledge what is happening?

 

He says "I am not doing it on purpose". Which is lame. I mean, being caught in the heat of the moment a few times until you are used to the new routine I could see. But this has been going on for many weeks. I get the impression he feels its not his fault that he keeps doing it. Which makes no sense. He is an intelligent man. My opinion is that he is so wrapped up in his needs at the time he could give 2 sh*ts about anything else. I think its a cop out excuse. And when she talks to him about it outside of the bedroom, crying because she feels he is disregarding her feelings (physically and emotionally) , he apparently has never bothered to say "I'm sorry I hurt you". But if its not his fault, why should he right?