No sex and mixed messages,

[bertie]

I don't suppose I'm looking for advice because I've read just about every book and tried just about everything. Just need to "talk" about how I feel. We've been married 15 years now, with 2 wonderful children. The sex issue has just got worse and worse as the years have gone on. We went to see a marriage counsellor 4 years ago - one session and wife refused to go back, said I can go on my own. 2 years ago Valentine's Day we were having dinner when she dropped the bombshell that she doesn't love me anymore - this despite getting a card that declared undying love? Physical contact is fine unless it is obvious that I am interested in a bit more than "cuddling" - then I always get pushed away with the "I'm tired" routine. I've tried everything, really worked hard at getting emotional communication going, doing my share of the chores, etc only to get the same response from her. So.... I decided to leave things alone for a while and not pursue her - 6 months later when I raised the topic of our relationship, she said she thought our relationship had moved to a different level and that sex wasn't an issue anymore. She said she does not feel like having sex, is very happy to live without it. Right now I am very very angry/resentful. I get extremely annoyed when she asks me to do things because I feel I am just being kept around to be walked all over. I have lost all interest in investing anything in a relationship that seems to be going nowhere.

Oh I have thought of ending our marriage, but I cannot see that this will do any of us any favours. I have thought of going out and having an affair, but as there is some part of me hoping that there will be an explanation for all this, I have refrained from doing anything that would make things worse. I cannot bear the thought of hurting her - she is my best friend and I keep thinking something must be wrong for her to have become like this.

I have told her exactly how I feel - she says she finds it difficult being honest about how she feels (i.e telling me she does not want to have sex) when she sees how upset I get. I don't do yelling but to hear rejection voiced so clearly does tend to upset me and I admit that I do withdraw. She seems to want to maintain a "normal" appearance to the relationship because she always kisses hello and goodbye, sends "from your loving wife" cards on birthdays, father's day and Christmas. I don't know what to think anymore - she says she loves me but I don't see or feel any loving going on.

I used to speak to my mother-in-law about our problem/s (she is a very special woman in both our lives, she and her daughter have a very loving and open relationship and I feel safe speaking to her as she loves her daughter) but recently I have not been saying anything to anyone as I am tired of sounding as if I am always complaining.

My wife is from a divorced family - never saw her dad until she was 40. He left 6 months after she was born. I love her dearly and that is why I feel so angry about the way she treats me - I cannot live a lie and I don't think I could survive a divorce; if I sound confused, hurt and angry, it is because I am! I feel as if I have nowhere to turn. In fact, if I didn't have children I would wish I were dead.

[Yamaha]

She said she does not feel like having sex, is very happy to live without it.

 

She doesn't want to have sex with YOU is what she means. I know a guy who is going through much of the same experience as yourself. She doesn't want sex with him but he says she is his best friend.

 

My advise is that you may have to push the issue if you really want to get an answer. Your marriage may be in jeopardy but can you you continue for years like you are? You are going to have to tell her the situation is not acceptable to you and if she is unwilling to provide you with physical love then you will have no choice but to ask for a divorce. If she is willing to divorce you then does she really love you? It is a hard decision to arrive at but when she won't go to counseling and try to work out the issue and pretty much tells you not to ask her about her lack of desire then she isn't giving you much of a choice except to choose her as a friend/room mate.

 

You have kids so I feel for you but there are times when you also must think of yourself and your happiness. When someone is unwilling to discuss or work on an issue then they are effectively tying your hands of a solution.

[JamesM]

I always bring this up in these situations...only because I have seen the difference in mine own marriage. My wife used similar words to me...don't need sex, etc. In her case I found that her thyroid medicine was not sufficient to keep her thyroid levels to where she needs them. I know you won't believe me, but after the med change, my wife who literally lost her libido...and yes, we had a good marriage otherwise...see my first thread...did a complete turnaround. She now enjoys sex...not as often as I do...but she hugs and kisses like she hasn't in years. So I have to ask, has she been diagnosed with any thyroid problems ever? Has she had aches in the joints, fatigue problems?

 

For the past four to five years...actually in the year 2001 or so after our last child was born, I remember how often my wife would turn me down, or she would go with it and ask, " Are you done yet?" or "Did you get what you wanted?" Then last summer she said she no longer wanted it. And if I wanted it, then it was for my own selfish purposes because SHE didn't need it. I sunk into a depression, and almost fell into an online romance. This shook me up, so I made a goal...I would find a way if there was one to fix her libido. If not, then I could justify an affair. My research led me to this Board and a couple of others where two posters suggested looking more seriously at her thyroid levels. I was directed to a website that changed my life. I gave the info to my wife...she found the right doctor, and her med was changed. Well, the med change took away most of her fatigue, moodiness, and pain. She regained her libido and is greatful to me for pursuing a "fix" for her. To her this showed how much I really loved her. Truthfully, it almost wasn't that way at all.

 

This may not be you, but it is worth looking into. I remember the anger and depression I had for a number of years. Divorce was not an option, but truthfully, an affair was sounding pretty good. Thankfully someone on a Board mentioned a change in meds, and our marriage is doing great. We have been married 16 years with children. For the past three to four, sex became either pity sex or total rejection. Last night we both enjoyed it to the extreme...again as we have since April when we started our relationship all over again.

 

If we had gone to marriage counselling, we would have gone in all different tangents. I would have poured out my soul. Her past abuse would have been brought up, and yet it was all a physical need. Also, get a book by Michele Weiner Davis called The Sex Starved Marriage. This should help you better understand your situation and why sex is so inportant.

[Mz. Pixie]

Is there a chance your wife was sexually abused in her childhood?? Since her dad wasn't around- by a stepfather, boyfriend of her mom, uncle, babysitter??

 

If not, I'd listen to James- he's giving good advice and he's got the experience with the libido issues that you're having.

 

Has sex ever been good between you two or has it always been the same???

[pm334897a]

My friend I have a load of empathy with you as am enduring the same sad experience almost exactly the same. I hold onto knowing how good the relationship has been in the past and hope that I can hold on until we get back thee again, but I know that that requires my wife to also want a better relationship. I have wondered whether my wife is suffering some pre menopausal symptoms, could yours be? Even if it is premenopausal I still don't know how long I can cope with the rejection and the feeling of not being loved, my wife has even today told me that she is not in love with me, but that she loves me - confusing - but I don't want to be just a friend.

[bertie]

I hold onto knowing how good the relationship has been in the past and hope that I can hold on until we get back thee again, but I know that that requires my wife to also want a better relationship. I have wondered whether my wife is suffering some pre menopausal symptoms, could yours be? Even if it is premenopausal I still don't know how long I can cope with the rejection and the feeling of not being loved, my wife has even today told me that she is not in love with me, but that she loves me - confusing - but I don't want to be just a friend.

Thanks to eveyone who responded - in some strange way it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one facing this situation. In fact the above quote could have been written by myself. So yes I have hope - I will certainly be pursuing the medical/hormone (thyroid, premenopausal) idea and see where we go.

The only trouble now is controlling my own emotions/feelings of resentment while we (I?) work through this.

Thanks again

[bertie]

get a book by Michele Weiner Davis called The Sex Starved Marriage. This should help you better understand your situation and why sex is so inportant.

JamesM - just to say that I have previewed this book online and the opening chapter is an exact description of my behaviour - it's something that has puzzled me, now for the first time I am beginning to understand and not abhor myself. I have ordered the book and will let you know how we get on. Many thanks

[JamesM]

Good luck. I not only read it...my wife skimmed thru it. It opened her eyes a bit, too.

[ridingthebulls]

I know she is your best friend, but if you want some amazing sex, stop treating her like a FRIEND. Friends never carry enough chemistry to make it past base 1, unless a lot of effort is made on one or more parts. You need some chemistry going; not friendship. There seems to be too much friendship already.

[bertie]

I know she is your best friend, but if you want some amazing sex, stop treating her like a FRIEND. Friends never carry enough chemistry to make it past base 1, unless a lot of effort is made on one or more parts. You need some chemistry going; not friendship. There seems to be too much friendship already.

 

Oh we've had some amazing sex alright - that's what makes it so difficult to accept what's happened/is happening. That's what makes it so frustrating - this woman gets me going but I can't do a DT about it - but I hear you!

[JamesM]

Bertie, I have great hope for you. You are not just moaning and groaning about no sex, but you are trying to solve the problem. Looking back, I can see that the easiest thing to do is complain, but the hardest is to accept responsibility for trying to make a change. Keep up the good work. Look in any direction that may provie a solution.

 

And I disagree with RWTB regarding friendship. I have found in my 16 years of marriage that wives are turned on by friendship. This emotional connection is what gives them the sexual feeling for their husband. No, when you first meet someone, chemistry is very important, but chances are that you had chemistry in the past. Regaining that chemistry takes more than a few visits to the gym or a new cologne. I think it will also take a reconnecting with the wife on every basis BUT chemistry not only for her, but also for you...you will then begin to admire all of the things you liked before.

 

My wife made a comment to a friend the other day that I was falling all over in love with her again. And this brought back the chemistry for her again. I recommend this to you as well.