How do you confront your partner about a lie without having a big blow-up?

[dreamergirl]

My boyfriend lied to me about where he was the other day. I know what he was doing instead and it wasn't anything sinister, so I'm not exactly sure why he lied about it. My problem is that now I am going to be suspicious of him whenever I'm not there - since he could lie so cavalierly, for some trumped up reason, and not show any remorse for it. For instance, he didn't call when he left work like he usually does, called a couple of hours later and I am picturing all this crazy stuff in my head.

 

And I can't even ask him about it, because he becomes totally irrational during conflict and places the blame on me even when it's not warranted, and often shuts down emotionally. Since I grew up in a home where conflict was NEVER handled in the right way, I just want to make peace and always end up apologizing and begging for his forgiveness. Then, he usually pouts for a while and then is okay. Also, we've had some serious problems in the past so I don't want to relive the drama when everything is fairly stable - he's broken up with me and gotten back together a few times (he blames the stress of his marriage and divorce). Also, regardless of how up and down he's been with our relationship, at least I felt like he would never lie about things he's done.

 

How do I bring up that I know he lied without him becoming defensive and irrational? I also want to make it clear that this is not acceptable behavior but not do it in such a harsh manner.

 

Thanks so much for any advice!!

[Walk]

He isn't bipolar by any chance, is he?

 

I have never found a good way to confront someone who lied. Usually if they lied, they felt it was important enough to them that they do so. Either to save face, or avoid something (responsibility or confrontation). If he was attempting to save face by lying, then by bringing up the lie you throw it in his face. He'll become defensive no matter how nicely you put it. Otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to lie.

 

Personally, say it as non-threateningly as you can. Assume he'll get defensive. Don't play into it though. Keep calm no matter what he says, keep restating the facts. Keep talking rationally, and calmly. Keep it on track. He'll probably try to divert you by shifting the blame. Ignore that as best you can. Keep redirecting the conversation. ie. "that may be true, but what I wanted to talk to you about was (this)." or "We can talk about that, but first I'd like to address why you said you weren't where you told me you were."

 

Go into it with the resolve that no matter what defensiveness he throws up, or tantrum he pulls, you aren't going to let it get to you. And try to be aware of what you are feeling at the time, so that it doesn't sneak up on you and take over. Don't get angry and then realize a minute later that now you're reacting out of anger.

 

Keeping it on topic is the big one. Stay rational and calm no matter his outburst. Ask questions and clarify the things he says. Paraphrase. Use words that dont' contain negative context. Ie: Don't say "You lied about being at work." Try something like "I realized you weren't at work when I called you this afternoon. Was there a reason you said you were when I asked later?"

 

I might not have done the best job giving examples.. but if you can phrase the thought as an investigation into his thoughts, rather than accusing him, then it might be more productive. Like giving him the facts that brought you to the conclusion, and then give two options for his actions. Ie. I called you at work and you weren't there, but you were at X place. Did you not want me to know because you thought I would judge you? Or were you concerned I would react badly to knowing where you were?

 

Something along those lines. You'll have to play with the idea to fit your situation. But might get better results than a flat out accusation.

[sugarplum]

I have yet to be able to figure out how to do this. I usually go for the throat, evidence in hand, but this always results in a blow up. But I am usually so mad about the lie, that I am looking for a blow up anyway, so I dont care.

 

Trying not to "accuse" is a good idea. Posing it more like a genuine wondering-about-the-possible-discrepancy type question is a good idea. Some people will become defensive at being caught no matter how little or silly the lie ("how dare you question my word?"or "ugh, are you implying that I lied??")

 

My experience has been that if I sugar coat it, act like its no big deal, and act like I dont really suspect it was an intentional lie - I end up hearing another lie to cover up the first lie. This makes me sad.

 

But if there is no history of lying, the best bet is to just ask about it as if you are just confused about the mix up and are trying to understand so its all clear in your mind.

[wonderingmind]

He isn't bipolar by any chance, is he?

 

I don't mean to hijack this thread, and Walk, I tried to PM you but couldn't, so I'll ask here: Is there a connection between lies and bipolar? I just left a LTR (with a bipolar) that was really quite good in every way except he lied. And he lied about the same thing the OP is talking about (saying he was one place but he was at another). Like I said, I don't want to take the focus from the topic of the thread, but I am most curious.

[dreamergirl]

I was also curious about the bipolar question - I have suspected that he might be slightly bipolar due to his severe mood swings (he loves me and wants to marry me one day, he has to break up with me the next, he says it not my fault, then lists my flaws - no exaggeration!!!), but they often happen so quickly I even wondered if it might be borderline personality disorder. This may be going off the path, too, but there are also stretches of time when we are getting along but he won't say he loves me (as opposed to the times when he can't tell me enough). The other day when he was leaving for work I said that I loved him and he responded "take care". And we have a intense, passionate love life so that's not the problem.

 

Also, thanks for the great advice about the confrontation. I can try to keep calm and positive. One other possibility I had - since we're getting along so well right now (at least for the last few days) what about waiting until we're not and then just bringing it up then? Then I won't be starting a fight, I hate disturbing the peace when we're getting along well.

 

Thanks again!

[EndoftheRope]

PP are right: there is no good way to confront a liar. You will get, and accept, more lies to cover up and explain the original lie, or you will have that big blow-up you don't want. And in my experience, the big blow-up will still not get you the truth.

 

You mention the stress of his MARRIAGE and divorce during your relationship. Were you seeing him while he was still married? If not, the following comment is irrelevant, but if you were, then you already know he's a liar, because he obviously wasn't upfront with his wife about having a girlfriend. As I said, that comment is irrelevant if I misunderstood that line.

 

I believe lying is a fundamental character issue. My husband lies, and it is only now after 17 years of marriage (18 years together) that I am seeing the least crack of light beginning to shine through his mind that maybe lying is not the answer, and maybe the truth would be a better idea. And at that, given all I've read, if he changes his ways, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. And even if he does change, it'll be a looooong time before I can feel I can trust that he's really become honest, rather than just becoming a better liar.

 

Yes, it may be that his lying problem is the result of growing up in an alcoholic home. Yes, I can feel for him and see the kind and generous man underneath the liar who might one day be the whole man. But in the meantime, let me assure you it is NO FUN living with a liar and being told you are crazy for years on end, and being made to question your own intelligence and judgment. It does terrible things to you, to constantly have your intelligence, perceptions, ability to hear and understand, and good judgment called into question till you question it yourself, till you almost question your very sanity.

 

Had I known I'd be living with this, I seriously doubt I would have married him.

 

I think you need to be asking yourself much bigger and more serious questions: why are you staying with him? Do you like what you're experiencing now? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If he's bi-polar, will knowing that enable you to live permanently with him and put up with this behavior and keep loving him? If you don't want to spend your life like this, are you going to leave now or try to work this out? How long are you going to try to work it out, and what will it take on his part to guarantee to you that you will not be living with lying the rest of your life?

 

Good luck.

[dreamergirl]

Thanks for the advice. I do want to state off the bat that I did not meet my boyfriend until after he was separated and his wife was out of the house, so he did not lie about me to her or about her to me (I frequently was at his house so I know that they were definitely broken up). But that would have been a good point - relationships based on lies are a bad way to start!!

Back to the point - after how many lies should someone be labelled a "liar"? Although I know my boyfriend has kept negative feelings from me, as he has a hard time communicating when he's upset and acts in a more passive-aggressive way, he has never out-and-out lied about something he's done. It seems to me to be more passive-aggressive behavior, because he wasn't doing anything bad, he just seemed to be lying to get back at me for something, which I wish he could just communicate directly instead of acting out.

Endoftherope - your questions are all very good ones about what I want out of our relationship, I often ask them myself but even if I think I should leave, I can't. I love him, we have so much in common and a lot of passion and don't want to give up. But doesn't everyone have something wrong with them? I have a lot of flaws as well, but I think I'm basically a good person. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to leave me without giving me a chance. How many years into your relationship did you realize he was a liar and what kept you going at that point?

Thanks so much.

[Walk]

Is there a connection between lies and bipolar?

 

Dreamergirl.

 

I read up on bipolar a few years ago, and in several of the things I found, there was a propensity for bipolars to... uh.. stretch the truth. Some of it had to do with not being connected to reality as tightly when in a manic stage. Part because of the dellusion or belief in grandiosity. That they were the 'it and the all' (at least for a short while) so they tailored their reality to prove it.

 

It was just wondering about the mood swings, irrationality, lying about something relatively small, and shutting down emotionally. And thought if he'd been diagnosed with it then it would make a difference in how you should handle the situation.

 

However, I read that only about 1% of the population has bipolar. If you seriously suspect he has a mood disorder. See if you could convince him to see his doctor, and maybe express your concerns to the doctor in confidentiality too?

 

I don't really know all that much about it, just research I did on the web, and people I've known who have it... but you'd be far better off in talking to a professional. There are some articles on the web, but many of them seem to be pretty liberal with transposing facts and opinions. Seems to be conflicting information out there. And besides, the characteristics of bipolar pretty much describe EVERY ONE. Me, you.... your cat. So be a little discerning on what you read about it. If you still feel it's a tight fit, then see if you can get a him to talk to a professional. Don't just assume he is.

[Walk]

I don't think you'll find it any better to bring up the lie in a fight. Basically you'll be waiting until both of you are defensive and emotions are running high. He'll feel you're throwing it at him, you'll hang on to it like it's your shield. There won't be open communication. It'll be who has the biggest rock. Whatever wrong he feels you've done to him, and you'll have the lie he told to you. I doubt you'll get an answer at all if you wait til you argue about something else.

 

It'd be easier to wait, not necessarily better.

 

I kind of feel like you, about not bringing stuff up when things are going smoothly. But then I just bottle it all up and completely explode when we argue. Start throwing everything in his face. I never feel like my feelings or thoughts are validated, or understood, because he's still looking at the situation as "Hey, this was about my problem! I brought it up to have 'this' addressed, not 'that'!" And I'm tuning him out wanting him to address my problem that I didn't talk about while things were peaceful. Usually we end up addressing everything.. but what started out fairly simple, became more complex as more issues were thrown in.

[EndoftheRope]

Endoftherope - your questions are all very good ones about what I want out of our relationship, I often ask them myself but even if I think I should leave, I can't. I love him, we have so much in common and a lot of passion and don't want to give up.

 

I would strongly suggest you read some of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books. I believe one of them (probably "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives") even has a chapter called, "But I Love Him!"

 

How long have you been with him? Keep in mind that that FEELING of love will wear off within a few years. Try to look objectively at how he's behaving. Would you even remain FRIENDS with a woman who treated you this way? When the infatuation and FEELING of love wear off, what is going to keep you there tolerating this behavior?

 

There are other people who will have a lot in common with you. You can find passion with other men. You can also find a man who treats you better than this.

 

 

But doesn't everyone have something wrong with them? I have a lot of flaws as well, but I think I'm basically a good person. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to leave me without giving me a chance.

 

I think that's a very fair question. Yes, everyone has their faults, but there are certainly degrees. One man's 'fault' is he tends to be ten minutes late for everything, and he has lots and lots of good qualities, reading with his children, getting work done around the house, building you up and encouraging you, giving to the poor, showering you with attention and so on, to outweight that flaw. Another man's 'fault' is that he loses his temper and beats you every week, and what he has to outweigh that is a really hot bod and gives you great orgasms. I think you can see the difference! The question you have to answer for yourself is, which one is your boyfriend? Based on what I've read here, I'd guess the latter, but obviously, I don't know enough about him. Do you have solid, objective reasons to say he is more like the first example?

 

How many years into your relationship did you realize he was a liar and what kept you going at that point?

Thanks so much.

 

Hmmm... I should have seen from the very beginning. I saw the way he made excuses to his employer when he was late to work. Early in our marriage, I saw the way he twisted and parsed words and dismissed it as 'being a natural-born salesman.' For instance, I DID. NOT. WANT. TV. IN. THE. HOUSE. He did. He bought one and told me he did it all for me. BS. Even at the time, I recognized that he was full of it, and wished he would just be a man and say, "I want a tv and it's my house, too." He told me once how he was smarter than his sister because he did whatever he wanted, lied to his mother, and they all went their peaceful ways, rather than his sister who told the truth and they all had a big fight.

 

That being said, when it came to the serious lies, and lies told to ME, I spent an embarrassing number of years trying to figure out how a basically nice, decent guy, could still be telling the truth, despite all the inconsistencies. I'd say it's in the past year (and we've been married just over 17, together for 18), that I have finally just said, "You're a liar." And forced myself to acknowledge that I married a liar.

 

What keeps me here? A little bit of seeing that, now that I've finally gotten really angry, he has spent the last 18 months making changes and demonstrating commitment to this marriage, and trying to have patience that it's been a long time coming and it's not going to be solved overnight. At this point, a lot more, I'm sorry to say, fear of the financial difficulties of divorce, and not wanting to put our children through divorce.

 

You, however, are at a point where your choices are easily made. Try to take a very clear look at this guy. If he's telling lies 'to get back at you,' for instance, do you really want to live with that level of immaturity?

[john2776]

I should have seen from the very beginning. I saw the way he made excuses to his employer when he was late to work.

I think this is a very good way of knowing if you have a serial liar on your hands. I will generalise here: most honest people are honest most of the time with their employer - The worst they might do is take the occasional sicky when they are not. Dishonest people however lie about everything to their employer and the stories they make up are just amazing. Having lived with a GF who lied to her boss should have given me a big enough insight into the fact that she would also lie to me without a second thought. I caught her on little things sometimes, and eventually I began to wonder if anything she told me was true. It is almost impossible to have a strong relationship with a liar.

 

To the OP: confront him on it for sure, and try to keep calm and keep the conversation focussed as others have suggested. In my experience he will somehow make you the problem in all of this. Which of course is not true.

[justagirlforever]

I'm completely blown away - what you wrote and the way you wrote it could have been written by me.

Slight difference being I'm not entirely sure about the lie - but after many years know his behavior and actions well enough to know something was very odd and out of character.

 

He handles conflict in exactly the same way as you describe. And I will always be the one who ends up apologising. How did I deal with my own situation (around about the same time as yours) ? I stewed over it for a few days. Got myself in tears several times thinking about it. Tried to casually bring up what he did that evening in many / several roundabout ways. Each time he skirted around my tactful questions very easily. Or just ignored me and moved on with the conversation. When I eventually asked a very direct question, I simply received vehement denial but could clearly see he was very uncomfortable. I realised I wasn't going to get an answer, so in the end just left it and moved on.

 

For the sake of keeping peace and seeming to want to make an issue.

 

Have you dealt with this by now ?

[dynomia]

my bf has done the same but i always manage to tell him in quotes for example if its not bad he usually dnt click on for few seconds e.g. if he's suppose to be shopping n he was at his mothers id say oh what did ur mum want? just in unformal question n he prob say oh she wanted this but how did u know type thing

you have to bring up in convo rather than accuse if u no ur right