An update.

[Gunny376]

I was reading a book about women, men etc.

 

In it the author discusses how a woman will do something based upon feelings~emotion, and then try and reconcile it with her rational mind, or do something that make rational sense ~ and then attempt to reconcile with her emotioal mind.

 

Men don't normally do this ~ in that they're not as in tuned with their emotional mind as your typical woman is.

 

A dynamic twist to this would be is a woman were to sleep with a man ~ out of the heat of the moment, and then later on when she's had time to reflect upon it ~ and the needs arises to reconcile it both emotionally and rationally ~ and she may be feeling a little guilty about it.

 

It struck me in your case ~ that it seems to me that your wife is running away from you, the house, the mortgage, the bills, everything, and she did so perhaps on the spur of the moment ~ and based upon her emotional state of mind ~ and now she's feeling a little guilt about it all ~ and the time and space that she's needing is to reconcile her two different state of mind back into balance ~ along with any guilt factor. In that light she's not fence straddling at all ~ she reconciling her inner state(s) of mind, and trying to regain her center.

 

You've said she's prideful, that combined with any guilt factor or remorse, combine with her any inability to articulate her feelings ~ without compremising her self integrity ~ self image could the state of the problem at this moment.

 

But, as I've before if you can use this ~ use it, if not then throw it in the trash.

[uksurfer]

It struck me in your case ~ that it seems to me that your wife is running away from you, the house, the mortgage, the bills, everything, and she did so perhaps on the spur of the moment ~ and based upon her emotional state of mind ~ and now she's feeling a little guilt about it all

 

Makes sense. And I believe it, too. Why? Because no more than a couple of weeks before all this happened, she'd borrowed the equivalent of about $3000 from her mum to repair the heating in our house.

 

If she'd been planning on splitting - bailing, leaving, whatever - for a long time, then no way would she have borrowed that cash. Why the hell would she have done?

 

Also, the weekend before she gave me the 'speech', we were in the car and she was telling me what she wanted me to plan for her 40th birthday - which is in a couple of years time.

 

AND, if this was something she'd been plotting, then wouldn't she have talked to someone first - her best friend, her mum, etc? No-one saw this coming.

 

Doing something like this without even talking to someone else is a pretty damned unhealthy way to live your life and make decisions.

[uksurfer]

Actually it doesn't keep me entertained.

 

I know, I know. I'm just kidding.

 

Your wife will probably look back on this one day and think to herself "What the hell was I thinking?"

 

Sooner rather than later, eh?

[uksurfer]

My "plan" is you could even call it one, was to give him the understanding and the TLC that I would've given to a patient recovering from an illness. And it worked, because in alot of ways.... my husband really was ill.

 

Yeah, that's kinda how I'm playing it. She's actually quite emotionally fragile right now, and bringing this to a crisis point might not be the best idea. Or maybe this is exactly the right time to do it? Not sure.

 

Just had another thought about this EA thing, too. When it was all happening, she decided that she wanted no contact with me. And that lasted for 2 or 3 weeks or so - where she'd come by and pick up the kids then take them out by herself, then drop them off again. We didn't even speak. No emails, no texts, no calls. I then asked her what weekend she was planning to go away (to meet him) so I could arrange something for me and the kids to do. That's when she told me that she wasn't going anymore.

 

And since she said that, she's been round here more and more and more. Her choice, too. Like today, she's hung around the house ALL day. I think the reason why she wanted to go no contact back then was because she didn't want to face me carrying all that guilt. Now the EA's finished, it's like she's comfortable being round me again. Probably still a lot of guilt there, though, and I think that's something she needs to get past.

 

Sorry, I'm just rambling here. Writing stuff down. Ignore me...

[Gunny376]

I think its just pride and guilt ~ and reconciling the two.

 

Keep doing what you've been doing. Do what works.

[uksurfer]

Tell her (or show her) your really horny for her next time and see what her reaction is.

 

Heh. That might be pushing things too far at the minute. Mickey Mouse time again. But... today, we were sat on the sofa together and I grabbed her feet and started massaging them. She didn't pull away, or try to stop me, and in fact became much more animated, chatty, upbeat, relaxed, and ummm... fun.

 

And I studied at the Vincent Vega school of foot massages...

 

Whoa...whoa...whoa...stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same ****in' thing.

 

Not the same thing, the same ballpark.

 

 

Know what I mean?

 

Keep doing what you've been doing. Do what works.

 

Yep. And I can be a tenacious bastard at times.

[uksurfer]

Quick update - for posterity if nothing else.

 

I've been away on a couple of 3-4 day trips now without her - once by myself and once just me and the kids. Both times, she spent MUCH of her time in contact with me - emails, texts, calls. Some of them were getting quite affectionate, too. It was also my birthday on Tuesday this week - the inscription on her card read "To a special husband". She stayed with me two nights running this week, too, and both nights we slept in the same bed - something we haven't done for about 3 months now. In fact, she wasn't planning on staying on the second night, but texted me during the day to say she'd changed her mind!! We've also been super affectionate with each other in the house, for example we spent all of friday night wrapped around each other on the sofa watching TV with a bottle of wine, and feeding each other chocolates, etc, etc. She's now also giving me a 'definite maybe' instead of a final 'no', too, which is another step down the line.

 

Today, we spent the day choosing and buying a big family tent together so we can take the kids camping - and she's already arranged a couple of camping trips for us all. Last night, we booked tickets for us to go to a concert at the end of november, and also arranged a couple of nights out for the two of us when her mum comes to stay next week.

 

I'm guessing that there is still something there and that she just needs some more time. Any takers?

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds like things are going pretty well, UK. I'm hoping your situation continues to improve. :bunny:

 

You're so invested that it's no use to warn you against wearing your heart on your sleeve. That ship's already sailed. But you aren't coming off as overly anxious or miserable with doubt, so what the heck.... enjoy what you have and try not to overanalyze it.

[Gunny376]

Now that you've got the mule and wagon out of the ditch ~ keep it out of the ditch. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

 

I've been in the rat race ~ and to be honest trying to climb up the food chain probally had a lot to do with the end of my marriage. These days I'm all about keeping my life about moving slow, and keeping it simple. I think 9/11 and Katrina made that clear to allot of us Yanks.

 

Glad to hear you and the wife are getting along so well. Best of wishes to you and yours.

[dgiirl]

UK, I'm really happy for you!! Enjoy the moment and I really do hope things continue to go as well as they are right now.

 

Right now, you two seem to be in the infatuation stage all over again, which is an awesome feeling. However, in a few months from now, when things start to get settled again, please take in some counselling and have some honest frank discussions of what happened and how to prevent it from happening again in the future. If you keep making the effort you guys are making now, you guys might have a success story!

[Lor]

Yeah!! Mz.P can have her bi-polar, Gunny can have his PTSD...UK is my poster-child for self induced recovery!! :bunny: (thanks for the entertainment you two , even though I know that's not what it was meant to be)

 

Slow and easy, captain, the ship is heading towards harbor.

[ilmw]

I was reading a book about women, men etc.

 

In it the author discusses how a woman will do something based upon feelings~emotion, and then try and reconcile it with her rational mind, or do something that make rational sense ~ and then attempt to reconcile with her emotioal mind.

 

Men don't normally do this ~ in that they're not as in tuned with their emotional mind as your typical woman is.

 

A dynamic twist to this would be is a woman were to sleep with a man ~ out of the heat of the moment, and then later on when she's had time to reflect upon it ~ and the needs arises to reconcile it both emotionally and rationally ~ and she may be feeling a little guilty about it.

 

It struck me in your case ~ that it seems to me that your wife is running away from you, the house, the mortgage, the bills, everything, and she did so perhaps on the spur of the moment ~ and based upon her emotional state of mind ~ and now she's feeling a little guilt about it all ~ and the time and space that she's needing is to reconcile her two different state of mind back into balance ~ along with any guilt factor. In that light she's not fence straddling at all ~ she reconciling her inner state(s) of mind, and trying to regain her center.

 

You've said she's prideful, that combined with any guilt factor or remorse, combine with her any inability to articulate her feelings ~ without compremising her self integrity ~ self image could the state of the problem at this moment.

 

But, as I've before if you can use this ~ use it, if not then throw it in the trash.

 

This is good to know... one more tid bit for my every growing pool of knowledge about woman kind:laugh: I guess I'll never stop learning something new.

ilmw