Hurt and by husband and best friend

[Nana10]

Hi everyone! This is kind of a long story so I will try to shorten it.

 

In February of this year my h and I got in a huge fight while we were out with my best friend and her h. The evening was going ok but my h was real short with me, when I asked him what was wrong he snapped on me. He told me I put him on the bottom of the list (1st dogs, 2nd kids, 3rd h). He also told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me any more.

I started thinking back to the last few months and how he had been treating me.

He had been down right mean to me. Saying nasty things, demanding things from me and the kids, so because of his approach and the way he treated me of course I became defensive and we would start fighting.Anyways, a couple of days went by and all of a sudden he is meeting my best friend for coffee so he can talk with her (he told me he met with her). He came home and said how sorry he was for the way he had been treating me and none of this was my fault just some things he had to work out. I was very hurt that he went to my best friend to talk to her about his problems and I asked him why he couldn’t talk to me. He said because of the way I react, I told him if he would talk to me in a nice manner that I wouldn’t get defensive and I would work on that if he would. I talked with my best friend and she told me that H talked to her about the same things he told me (stories were the same). After talking to her I just didn’t feel right about the entire thing, had a gut feeling especially after they both told me they were going to continue talking about H’s problems. I told them both I was not comfortable with the entire situation and asked them not to contact each other and they agreed. Besides it was very out of the ordinary that my H would open up to my best friend and talk to her about anything other than every day stuff.

After a couple of weeks H still distant and not working on things he said he would try to change and make things better. I then really got suspicious and asked both of them if H had feelings for best friend, they both denied it. I also found out they were still contacting each other behind my back, phone and emails. Found one email that I confronted H about from best friend that was just short of a love letter. They both got mad at me and told me to just move on forget about everything and work on my marriage. They both kept pushing me to do that almost in desperation. I kept asking them if none of this was my fault (H told me it wasn’t) then why we would be working on marriage. I also knew something else was going on when H and I would go out and all he did was talk about my best friend, had enough of that and finally told him I have heard enough about best friend.

My H became withdrawn again and I told best friend and H it seems H was happier when he could talk out problems with best friend so if that is going to make him happy then go for it. I was getting more suspicious about the two of them because of little things being said and the secrecy towards me I then (not proud of it but had to find out) I got into H’s work email and found another email from best friend bad mouthing me about the things I was pulling and H saying he had told he everything and in next sentence saying he didn’t tell me everything. I then told them no more contact in which they said they wouldn’t. They didn’t know I found last email. I would check his email often because I knew something was going on. I was finding emails still after they said no contact in which H was being supportive to her in problems she was having. I asked H why he couldn’t support me like he supports best friend (H would tell me of little things he would tell her but not all). When I would ask him he would just get angry with me. I don’t think I ever cried so much in my life over those months and them blaming me for things that I didn’t do and trying to make themselves out to be the good guys.

Well one night I checked H’s email and finally found the proof I was looking for. The email said from H to best friend that H was foolish to think that his feelings for her would change the way she would feel about him. I told them both I knew what was going on. H was very sorry and friend was mad especially when I accused her of messing around with H. Everything was now out in the open and H said nothing every happened between them he just had feelings for her (EA). I was so hurt by the two people that meant the most to me. Well they both wanted things to get back to be what it was before all of this took place. I told them I didn’t know if that could ever happen. I didn’t know if I could be fare to them (like I should worry about being fare to them). If we got together I would be wondering what they were talking about, why are they in the kitchen together, etc.

H and I are now doing well other than I don’t trust him fully right now and best friend and I aren’t speaking. Am I in the wrong as far as stopping friendship and keeping distance between all of us? I felt if she was truly my friend she wouldn’t have lied to me when I asked her if H had feelings for her. Not to mention why would she bad mouth me to H. H also knows I was getting in his email, I told him that’s how I found out.

Sorry the story is so long! What would you do with best friend? It is really hard for me to forgive her as I told her if her H told me the same thing I would tell her. I also think that when my H told her he had feelings for her she should have discouraged him from contacting her but instead she encouraged it and said she was only trying to help. This is the 3rd time H has done something like this over the last 25 years. I told him if it happens again or if there is any more contact between best friend and him, we are done. I won't be hurt like this again.

[norajane]

It might not be a bad idea for you and H to start going to some marriage counseling so you can learn to talk with each other...that seems to be the root of the problem.

 

He developed feelings for best friend, I think, because she listened to him without judgment, or getting defensive or angry. Of course, she can do that since she's not married to him and can be more objective.

 

Your H needs to learn to talk with you instead of withdrawing.

 

Your friend needs to back off while you and H work on your marriage. I think NC between H and friend is very important right now. You can decide later how you feel about friend, but right now, any contact between them just adds fuel to the fire.

 

Good luck, sweets. 25 years of marriage is a pretty big milestone. It's worth making an effort to get through this.

[Nana10]

I suggested MC to my H and he insisted we did not need it. I told him I thought we did. I came to the conclusion it wasn't going to happen so I made appt for myself but got laid off from job and had no insurance. I will be calling as soon as I go back to work.

One thing that did make me angry is I told friend not to get involved when this all started and she went behind my back and contacted my H anyways. I kept waiting for her to tell me what she did but never did even when I confronted her. Thats when I found one email from her to H that said "I can't believe what she (meaning me) is pulling" (I was waiting for her to say something). That is when the bad mouthing me started. I think H should have stood up for me but did not. Every time I said something about friend H would defend her.

I even told H he was going to have to make a decision between friend or me and he said he wasn't going to do that. This is before I knew everything. I think I found out a couple of days later.

He now is by my side as far as I know but might just be being more careful now. All I can do is take his word that there is NC between them.

H developed feelings for my friend before they started contacting each other.

Thanks for the input I really appreciate it norajane and Thank you for listening.

[amaysngrace]

One thing that did make me angry is I told friend not to get involved when this all started and she went behind my back and contacted my H anyways. I kept waiting for her to tell me what she did but never did even when I confronted her.

 

It sounds like your friend has an agenda. Why wouldn't she be upfront with you when you asked about H and her relationship? That, to me, spells untrustworthy.

 

I admit I have a 'thing' for my friend's husband. She knows it too. Just the other day she asked if I ever noticed he doesn't wear a ring and I told her "yeah, the first time I met him". (I met him before I met her)

 

If he ever badmouthed my friend, I'd come to her defense every time. I would never think to chime in. It's none of my business. They both vent to me from time to time, but I try to remain neutral to both of them. But if they EVER got divorced, I'd stay in contact with her, not him. She's my friend, he's just her husband.

 

Your friend sounds like anything BUT to me.

[norajane]

I even told H he was going to have to make a decision between friend or me and he said he wasn't going to do that.

 

I think I'd be livid if my guy wouldn't definitively choose me over one of MY friends when he knew they were causing so much MORE strife in our relationship. And I'd be livid if my friend weren't being honest with me about what was going on. I think you have every right to be pissed off, and to wonder WTF kind of "friend" she is to you.

 

Does you husband's insurance cover counseling? Even if he doesn't go, if he's got you listed on his policy, you could still go. He's in denial if he thinks you two don't need counseling. Have you point blank told him your marriage is in trouble? Have you asked him what he wants to happen?

[amaysngrace]

I think I'd be livid if my guy wouldn't definitively choose me over one of MY friends when he knew they were causing so much MORE strife in our relationship. And I'd be livid if my friend weren't being honest with me about what was going on.

 

 

Same. I feel very bad for you, Nana10. I couldn't even begin to imagine the hell you're being put through right now. Two ultimate betrayals.

 

You're in my thoughts and I'm hoping things clear up soon.

[Nana10]

The thing about friend is we have been close friends for 12 years and it is sad but I think friendship is over now. Just can't seem to get past the betrayal. Yes she was supposed to be my best friend and like I told my H and her "it's always the best friend and the wife is the last to know.

In a weird way I know she was only trying to help, but the "help" she was doing only caused us to lose a very close friendship. We all like male attention and I have seen her go to extremes but never thought it would be my H.

I was somewhat relieved when I found out because then I knew that the jealousy and mistrust that I was feeling was not unfounded. After this all came out I did talk to her about what they did and she told me the entire thing falls in H's lap it's his fault but I blame her also. I guess there will always be the would have, should have, and the could haves. H blames himself and does not want me to blame her but it takes two they are both at fault.

As far as the insurance I carried it, H's insurance is over $1000 a month for the both of us. I can find other things to spend that kind of money on.....GAS! lol

 

Thankyou so much to both of you for your input and for listening. I think just talking and reading what others think I am feeling much more comfortable with my decision as far as not having her in our lives.

[Guest]

The thing about friend is we have been close friends for 12 years and it is sad but I think friendship is over now. Just can't seem to get past the betrayal. Yes she was supposed to be my best friend and like I told my H and her "it's always the best friend and the wife is the last to know.

In a weird way I know she was only trying to help, but the "help" she was doing only caused us to lose a very close friendship. We all like male attention and I have seen her go to extremes but never thought it would be my H.

I was somewhat relieved when I found out because then I knew that the jealousy and mistrust that I was feeling was not unfounded. After this all came out I did talk to her about what they did and she told me the entire thing falls in H's lap it's his fault but I blame her also. I guess there will always be the would have, should have, and the could haves. H blames himself and does not want me to blame her but it takes two they are both at fault.

As far as the insurance I carried it, H's insurance is over $1000 a month for the both of us. I can find other things to spend that kind of money on.....GAS! lol

 

Thankyou so much to both of you for your input and for listening. I think just talking and reading what others think I am feeling much more comfortable with my decision as far as not having her in our lives.

 

First off she is not your friend and no I don't believe she was trying to help. If I believed that then I think a true friend would have encouraged your husband to talk to you his wife about any marital problems between you and him not badmouth you behind your back and sneak around spending time alone with your husband. What a sneaky low excuse for a woman she is!! I broke up with an ex boyfriend I was seeing because he was a loser and my so called Best Friend instead of sticking by my decision to end the relationship was calling him and contacting him badmouthing me even after I broke off the relationship and do you believe she would then tell me that he called her and they talked for hours as if she was taunting me with it. I felt so betrayed. From that point on I knew that she was not a true friend and I treated her accordingly.

 

Secondly, you said you have seen her go to extremes with wanting male attention. This is always a red flag. My so called friend was the same way. I never imagined she would do that to someone I was seeing either. You did the right thing and don't let your husband make you feel guilty about your decision. If he does try to ask him how he would feel if a good male friend of his did that with you? Good luck to you darling!!! Stay Strong!!!