Couple living together in Ex's house

[Just Not Sure]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months and he's recently brought up the topic of us moving in together. I've been saving up for, and dreaming of buying my own home for the past couple of years, long before I met him. That's been my goal.

 

I am currently renting.

 

He thinks it would be okay for us to move into his home, the home that he'd lived in while married for many years. He says the market isn't good right now so he doesn't want to sell his home (like if we were to buy one together).

 

Am I strange?...I just can't possibly find it a "good idea" for us to be living together in the house that his wife and he shared for so many years, raised their children in. I think of all the memories they've shared. I can't imagine us making love in the same bedroom that they did. I can't imagine standing washing dishes at the same sink that she did.

 

I think he thinks I'm a little extreme....but I really believe that a couple should make a "new" life together, in a place where there are no reminders of an ex spouse...where they can create a new life together, new memories. Am I so out to lunch to feel this way?

 

His home is older and needs a LOT of renovations and I'm very fussy. I have wanted to buy myself a new home (or newer).

 

From a financial standpoint, I think he feels it would make more sense to live together in his home versus us both having homes and mortgages -BUT- part of me feels that if we're not married, I should just go about my life and not change all my dreams and goals for him, does that make any sense? I've dreamt of my own new home for so long. I'm not putting a home before him, but the idea of sharing a place that his wife and he lived in, it turns me right off.

 

I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned, and I wanted him to move into the home that me and my ex husband had lived in (loved in, had sex in, made memories in)...he said he wouldn't care. Well first of all, that's easy for him to say seeing how that will never happen.

 

Part of me feels that if he really wants to live with me, have a life with me, that he'll strongly consider selling his home and either we buy a home together or live in mine. I guess in my heart of hearts, I'd rather not 'shack up' to begin with, but be married and "then" play house.

 

Does anyone here understand where I'm coming from? Men and women....about couples making a fresh start together.

 

Regards,

 

Just Not Sure

[sparkle]

I would just tell him that I don't want to move in with someone until I'm married to him. Then I'd continue my plans of getting my own new home. And once I have my new home...which may be bigger than his older one, if we got married later on, we can then decide on him moving in with me.

 

About moving into a house where he lived with his ex-wife, I personally don't see anything wrong with it. His wife is no longer there with him. He's with you. While it may be full of memories of his wife, focus on creating your own memories there with him.

[Lilly]

If it doesn't feel right for YOU to be moving in because he had a life with his ex in this house then don't do it. YOUR feelings are all that matter and are important here, no one else's. Personally, I don't think it's weird for you to feel like this... I wouldn't do it, it's about energy... even though to him it's just bricks and mortar to you, it's more.

 

Why does he want you to move in? Seriously, do you know the answer?. If it's because it's 'easy' (rather than your place or mine) then it's a danger zone. You need to look at the big picture, it's no good going camping just for convenience or to save money because the tent could be pulled down or blown away at a moment's notice.

 

Ask any woman if they expected moving in together to be permanent (ie lead to marriage), most would say they thought it would. If you ask the guy, most of them wouldn't be so convinced, they'd probably admit to hedging their bets, with a 'let's see how it goes' attitude. What counts is each person's intention. You both need to have the same intentions and they need to be clearly stated and talked about in depth BEFORE anything further is decided. It's a BIG move, especially after only 9 months!.

 

If you do do it, first agree on the terms. Camping or something more permanent. If it's something more permanent definately start fresh. If he can't understand why you feel the need for that or isn't willing to compromise (for whatever reason), then perhaps he's not the guy for you.

 

Best wishes

[Ed]

If you don't want to live together before being married, that is your prerogative.

 

I understand you don't want to live in the house where he abided with his ex-wife. That's fine. You don't have to.

 

One thing you have to understand, HE doesn't see it as "their" house anymore and rightfully so. He was awarded the property in the settlement of his divorce. It is now HIS house. HE has bought (or is buying) the house, not he and his ex-wife.

 

He probably feels pretty secure in that. It's "his" home and no one can take it from him as long as he keeps up the payments. You can't blame him for that, almost everyone wants to own their own home one day. If you want to own your own home too, one that no one else can take from you, then you should buy your own home. It is your right and privilege to do so, just like him.

 

There are so many possible solutions and compromises in this situation. You just have to work out one that is fair and equitable to both parties. He may have an undue attachment to this home of his, but you may have some undue baggage from the past that would prevent you from living in "his" home. Any memories attached to this home are his memories, not yours. He will carry those memories where ever he goes, for the rest of his life.

 

You said you didn't like the idea of sleeping in the same room in which he slept with someone else. Here's something for you to think about. Do you get a new apartment or a new bed after you break up with a guy you slept with?

[Just Not Sure]

I find myself wondering what his motivation is for wanting us to live together. Is it to save money? (I would be paying half of his mortgage payment) Is it because he wants someone to play house with him? Is it because it's more convenient? (he lives about 30 minutes from me)

 

He pays almost $1500 a month in child support and alimony, and he's mentioned that his mortgage payment is $1400 a month. That right there is a whole pile of cash. Does he want me to move in with him because I'll lessen his monthly payments? He mentioned, jokingly, that if I don't move in with him that he's going to get a couple of roommates so perhaps that tells me right there that this is really all about him saving money.

 

I really don't want to "play house" again. I've done that in the past and it's totally unfulfilling. All it seems to be is a really good deal for the man. He gets someone to cook and clean and make sure the fridge is stocked and the bills are paid on time and he gets sex whenever he wants. All the perks of marriage without the commitment. I had decided in the past that I'd never live with someone again. I'd decided that if someone wants me to live with them, they can either make a commitment to me (marriage) or they can find someone else. I'm too old to play house. I want a lifetime partner to grow old with, not someone to shack up with and play house. I did try to tell him this but I could tell he didn't seem to get where I was coming from. I think he thinks he'll be able to talk me into it.

 

I continue to shop around for a home of my own, and talk about what I want my new house to have and I can definitely see a look of irritation when I talk about it because he doesn't think I should do that.

 

I nicely told him that men come and go (or they have for me) and that because we're not married I still have to live my life for me, to a large degree...I have to look out for myself and not put my dreams on hold to conform with his wishes. I've wanted my own home for years. To him he probably doesn't understand why a woman would give up the chance to live with her man and have that security but I've been there and done that and all it left me with was a feeling of restlessness and being used.

 

Thank you. You're giving me a lot of things to think about

 

Just Not Sure

If it doesn't feel right for YOU to be moving in because he had a life with his ex in this house then don't do it. YOUR feelings are all that matter and are important here, no one else's. Personally, I don't think it's weird for you to feel like this... I wouldn't do it, it's about energy... even though to him it's just bricks and mortar to you, it's more. Why does he want you to move in? Seriously, do you know the answer?. If it's because it's 'easy' (rather than your place or mine) then it's a danger zone. You need to look at the big picture, it's no good going camping just for convenience or to save money because the tent could be pulled down or blown away at a moment's notice. Ask any woman if they expected moving in together to be permanent (ie lead to marriage), most would say they thought it would. If you ask the guy, most of them wouldn't be so convinced, they'd probably admit to hedging their bets, with a 'let's see how it goes' attitude. What counts is each person's intention. You both need to have the same intentions and they need to be clearly stated and talked about in depth BEFORE anything further is decided. It's a BIG move, especially after only 9 months!. If you do do it, first agree on the terms. Camping or something more permanent. If it's something more permanent definately start fresh. If he can't understand why you feel the need for that or isn't willing to compromise (for whatever reason), then perhaps he's not the guy for you. Best wishes

[Just Not Sure]

..you had asked:

 

"Here's something for you to think about. Do you get a new apartment or a new bed after you break up with a guy you slept with?"

 

No, but 6 months of dating and sleeping with someone is a whole lot different than 14 years of marriage to the mother of your children. Their bedroom is the bedroom where their children were likely conceived. Of course I don't get a new bed or apartment but if I was serious about wanting to start a life with someone, I'd gladly and without hesitation agree to getting our "own" place together. As well, I can already tell that he's set in his ways. His home is set up likely the way his ex wife set it up. This goes here, that goes there. As the new woman, I'm pretty confident it would be very tough to introduce or incorporate "my ways" into his home. She put the sugar in this cupboard, that's where it goes and don't move it somewhere else. Actually, this is a lot of the reason that I've usually steered clear of dating someone who's divorced or someone who hasn't been divorced for a lot of years.

 

If you don't want to live together before being married, that is your prerogative. I understand you don't want to live in the house where he abided with his ex-wife. That's fine. You don't have to. One thing you have to understand, HE doesn't see it as "their" house anymore and rightfully so. He was awarded the property in the settlement of his divorce. It is now HIS house. HE has bought (or is buying) the house, not he and his ex-wife. He probably feels pretty secure in that. It's "his" home and no one can take it from him as long as he keeps up the payments. You can't blame him for that, almost everyone wants to own their own home one day. If you want to own your own home too, one that no one else can take from you, then you should buy your own home. It is your right and privilege to do so, just like him. There are so many possible solutions and compromises in this situation. You just have to work out one that is fair and equitable to both parties. He may have an undue attachment to this home of his, but you may have some undue baggage from the past that would prevent you from living in "his" home. Any memories attached to this home are his memories, not yours. He will carry those memories where ever he goes, for the rest of his life. You said you didn't like the idea of sleeping in the same room in which he slept with someone else. Here's something for you to think about. Do you get a new apartment or a new bed after you break up with a guy you slept with?