When They Come back

[Ukwizard]

Nice one Sirjay. I like your comment. I have heard of this before where people have dated around, and had gone back to a previous relationship to see if it can lead to anywhere.

 

Although this is not always true. I ve also heard that some people never look back, and they left for a reason.

 

Do you think that talking about the so called reason or reasons that a relationship can be formed, or has the spark gone?

[xxrubyredxx]

 

I will however say that the intensity of the bond between two people (IMO) can supersede the actual days, weeks, months, or years invested.

 

 

A bond is strengthened and becomes almost unbreakable, between a couple who have a long history togehter, than a couple who shared only a short term relationship. I look back at the short term relationships I've had in the past....they mean absolutely nothing to me. The exes I was involved with in short term relationships don't ever enter my head. They were merely 'experiences'....I didn't and never really loved any of these guys, although maybe I thought I did, at the time.

 

Yet my longest relationship I had with a guy meant far more because I did truly love him...we have that 'unbreakable' bond, which is why we could never ever let go of one another for years. He was my 'first love' also. It only finally ended between us, when I moved away.

 

He came looking for me and found me, 12 years after the breakup. During the 12 years apart, I'd moved on, married, had kids and divorced. I'd only recently divorced, when the ex came back.

 

Like another poster here, I reckon that my ex also came back to 'test the waters' and we found ourselves emailing and rehashing our past relationship. It seemed that he wanted to take things further, said he'd like to me again and I got scared and backed out. Despite this unbreakable bond we've always had, our past relationship was a stormy one, he broke my heart many times and I know deep down that he's no good for me......plus another factor in my choosing not to go ahead and meet him was, I found out he's married, so say no more.

[heartnsoul]

Like another poster here, I reckon that my ex also came back to 'test the waters' and we found ourselves emailing and rehashing our past relationship. It seemed that he wanted to take things further, said he'd like to me again and I got scared and backed out. Despite this unbreakable bond we've always had, our past relationship was a stormy one, he broke my heart many times and I know deep down that he's no good for me......

 

That's just it. Although someone can spend years together and get to know one another from the inside out ... doesn't necessarily equate to 'together forever' You shared time and love but we all experience cycles in personal growth and what seemed like an unbreakable bond at one point...doesn't mean that x years later, it'll reignite to what it WAS.

 

My relationship (that I mentioned earlier) was turbulent as well. However, I was back to dating after six months of our final split. And honestly, it didn't take long for me to realize that there was never going to be an 'us' again. I had moved on emotionally. I think once someone reaches that point ... it's as final as final can be.

 

However, I dated someone a year ago and although it wasn't a lengthy relationship ... I was sad and stumped for months on end!! It was just a chemistry that I felt with him that ironically had me mourning the situation longer than I had with my 8 year ex.

 

I'm rambling now (lol) but ... I still stick by my 'circumstantial' stance on what transpired between the two given people.

[Guest]

 

With all these stories, coming here on Loveshack. I`ll need to prepare for my ex`s return lol.

 

 

UKwizard,

 

Keeping hope alive for your ex's return will do NOTHING good for you. In reality, your ex may NEVER return.

 

It's far better to remove ALL hope from your mind. Learn from someone that has been where you are. The very best thing is to assume that it will never be and move on.

 

If for some reason your ex returns, you will be in a far better place to evaluate what you want.

[Ukwizard]

Hello Guest,

 

I think you may have misundertsood my post. I m under no illusion that she will come back. I was being sarcastic about it, hence the `lol` at the end of the sentence.

 

Remember this thread is about `when they come back`. In all opinion, maybe my ex will never come back, and in reality I know that.

 

Thanks for your input though.

[Guest]

Hello Guest,

 

I think you may have misundertsood my post. I m under no illusion that she will come back. I was being sarcastic about it, hence the `lol` at the end of the sentence.

 

 

Yeah, I think I did misunderstand. I just don't want to see anybody make the same mistake that I did. Live and learn.

 

Keep strong, ukw.

[AriaIncognito]

I've had a few second chances...

 

One example, we broke up at 6 months into the relationship. He felt like he couldn't be enough for me, wasn't good enough for me (he was right lol) and he left. 7 days passed and i had him come here to get his crap, and he propsed we "date" again. I told him I'd think about it. 3 days after that, I sent him an email, with a list of things we'd need to both do, if we wanted it to work. We both agreed to it, and got back together. We were back together to make it to 1 year, but then we split for basically the same reasons as at 6 months. He could never be a stable adult contributer to society.

 

Another example, we were together 1 month, he left to go back to an ex...this lasted 3-4 weeks maybe? After he got that out of his system, we got back together. We were together I guess 3 years after that, broke up and got back together once or twice, but then ultimately broke up at the 4 year mark because we just weren't meant for eachother. Each time we split, we just didn't want to lose the best friend we had in eachother, so we both kinda sat around hoping the relationship would evolve into that which we needed. It didn't. We were LC for a while until i was over it and now we still chat online but i dont see him in person because his wife can't handle it lol.

 

Another example, we dated for about 2 years, broke up for a few weeks, got back together, and then broke up again. College age.

 

I did notice one thing, seems that usually, I'll get broken up with, the second chance will occur, and then I'll break up with him the next go 'round. I'm not doing it intentionally, but I guess maybe I've caught up to what they knew already at the first break up? lol In each case, there wasn't a good relationship worth salvaging.

 

In my current ex situation, I honestly believe there is a relationship worth salvaging, as our only problem at least on my end, was commitment factor. If that was the only issue on his (feeling unease about commiting being removed and him wanting to commit to me) then I'd think a second chance could have led to a great relationship. However, it's been a month, and he's not contacted me, and I'm not waiting around, so, whatever will be, will be.

 

So, yes, there are scenarios for second chances, but I think for the most part, people need to focus on else things in order to move on either way.

 

Jennifer

[Ukwizard]

Cheers Guest,

 

I am keeping strong, and back on the dating scene. My hopes are up from 10 months back when I split up with my ex.

 

I ve dated another girl, but my feelings faded after around the 3rd month. It just wasn`t happening for me with the new girl. She was nice, but it didnt last the honeymoon period. The odd thing is, that I left the new girl maybe for the exact same reason why my ex left me. Lack of intimacy, and communication. To be honest, I m more intimate than the new girl, and that in itself put me into perspective why my ex left. She was a really deep woman, and very emotional.

 

Although I would still love my ex back, and have a second chance, I remain hopeful that I will find my soulmate oneday.

 

I have to admire in some ways why she left. To find the ultimate partner. It takes a lot of guts to do that. HOWEVER, I must add that it can be quite selfish also in the sense that she may have left a trial of broken hearts. I know that in our relationship, there was nothing that couldn`t be fixed, but when I returned to fix our relationship. She bailed out first. She can`t stant confrontation, so instead of tackling what was wrong. She just hid the truth.

 

Unfortunately a second chance is unlikely at the moment, as the ex is away on holiday with her new man. They`ve been together for 3 months now.

 

Reading all the threads here in the last few months has given me the scope to move on, but there is still a torch I carry for my ex. I don`t know if there is an avergae time when the ex`s come back, but I know from a few stories here that it could take years before they do.

 

I know that we can still save what we left behind, but remember guys. Some people just don`t come back. They`re too stubborn.

 

In the last ten months, I ve taken up dancing lessons, enrolled on a college course, and met a new girl (although it didnt work out). I still would like to think that maybe one day when I m watching telly, or eating my tea, the phone rings, and its my ex on the line lol.

[xxrubyredxx]

 

In the last ten months, I ve taken up dancing lessons, enrolled on a college course, and met a new girl (although it didnt work out). I still would like to think that maybe one day when I m watching telly, or eating my tea, the phone rings, and its my ex on the line lol.

 

Hi ukwizard, good to hear you are moving on and are not sitting around pining. I'd advise everyone do the same, because that ex may never return.

 

I know that when me and the ex would split up, admittedly I missed him and all I would think about was 'will he return'. But it never ever stopped me from having a life, going out with my friends, seeing other guys, I also did a college course too My ex always came back, when I was getting over him, typical. We had an on/off thing for nine years. Initially our relationship lasted a year, then we split. Two months later he was back for a while, then we split again. A year and a half later, he returned again....lol, and it carried on in this pattern for 9 years until the final split.

I couldn't believe it when he returned again and only recently after 12 years. If they are going to return, it could be anytime....in a month, 6 months, a year or after 12 years in my case....lol.

 

I can't think why they decide to show up after years have gone by though?

[Ukwizard]

Thanks Rubyred for your support. Thats nice of you.

 

I m not sitting and pining, I m actively seeking a new girlfriend, and pining at the same time lol:rolleyes:

 

Question to you Rubyred is how long have you and your ex dated for?

 

I assume it was him that left. Did you date other people during that time you were apart?

[xxrubyredxx]

Question to you Rubyred is how long have you and your ex dated for?

 

Initially and all of those years back, at the start of the relationship we were together for a year. During this period we got engaged to be married, tried a few months of living together, but it didn't work out. He was the one to end things and I was gutted at the time. Then two months later he returned, we got back together and tried to make a go of it, but it failed again. Then I heard the news he'd met someone else and things looked serious between them both. They got engaged, even had the wedding planned, then he dumps her and decides he wants me back. At this point we'd been apart for a year and a half....we got back together again. It lasted six months, then we split again, he went away to work. Then he returns after a few months and we get back together again. It continued like this for nine years.

 

I assume it was him that left. Did you date other people during that time you were apart?

 

Yes it was always him that called it off and he was the one to always run back. However when the relationship finally came to an end, it was I who called it off. I didn't see a future for us.

 

I did date other guys while he and I were apart, he was also off dating other women, yet I dunno, we always found our way back to each other.

[Ukwizard]

In that case then Rubyred. Its not "when the come back" but "when they come back x 4 or 5 times", lol.

 

To be honest, if someone did that to me. I think after the second time. I would definitely think things weren`t right between us, and then just would not try no more.

 

Maybe you are his safety net. Just wants some action until he can settle. In that case he`s putting you second best, or third, or fourth. If you get my drift.

 

I wouldnt put up with that at all. You must be really patient or really tolerant.

[Brittjean06]

What if your ex in engaged, haah not like it would be good if he did come back

 

he is very much sociopathic and crazy

[xxrubyredxx]

In that case then Rubyred. Its not "when the come back" but "when they come back x 4 or 5 times", lol.

 

Yep and dopey me would always take him back. I loved the guy and thought the sun shone out his backside at that time.

 

To be honest, if someone did that to me. I think after the second time. I would definitely think things weren`t right between us, and then just would not try no more.

 

Maybe you are his safety net. Just wants some action until he can settle. In that case he`s putting you second best, or third, or fourth. If you get my drift.

 

I wouldnt put up with that at all. You must be really patient or really tolerant.

 

Well we are going back 21 years here, lol and we were very young when we first met. He was 17 and I was only 18. I'm a lot older and wiser than I was back then believe me and the things I put up with back then, are not things I'd tolerate now.

 

But also guys of 17 years old, are not looking to settle down, they are looking to 'sow their wild oats' rather than committment at this young age. And at 17 years old, it could be a case of a guy/girl meets someone yet could be thinking, 'is there someone out there better for me' and particularly if things are not going great, in the current relationship, which in our relationship, things did get to the stage where they were not going great. I was his 'first' girlfriend, maybe he was secretly wanting to go off and experiment with other girls, I dunno. One thing is for sure, none of his other relationships worked, they didn't last long and he would always come back to me.

 

Took me nine years to figure out, that if it was me he really wanted to be with, he'd have committed a lot sooner. I mean he was 26 and I was 27 when the final split came, he was well old enough by then to know what he wanted. So as I said, because his lack of full committment, I didn't see a future for us and told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, which he wasn't happy about btw, but I did what was best for me, hard as it was though because he'd been in my life for so long, but I managed to do it. After the final split tho, he'd still pursue me, but I was having none of it. Even when he married, not two months into his marriage, he was wanting to start things up again!!! Again I was having none of it, especially because he was married.

 

I met someone else, moved away, had kids, etc, etc. 12 years later, he's back again!!

 

BrittJean, yes he is crazy isn't he, LOL!

[Ukwizard]

Rubyred, that makes an interesting read.

 

Can I ask, what is it about him that makes you want to take him back?

 

Also did you have any contact with this man when you where apart?

 

Time obviousily changes people. Apart from the fact that he kept on leaving. Did you notice any significant changes in his behaviour every time he did come back?

 

I have to admit I have to admire someone like you to have the courage to take someone back so many times. I think inevitabily, if someone had left before 2 or 3 times before. I would seriousily in the end have some self respect, and say enough. Why? Well in the end you know that they will leave again. For the time you are with him, then that just reduces the chance of you meeting the right man.

 

How did he even track you down again after moving away? He must have one hell of a radar! LOL:bunny:

[otwin]

oh gosh, yes.

 

always!

[Ukwizard]

So what happened Otwin?

 

How long was it before he returned?

[cantshakethelove]

After my ex ignored me for a couple of weeks I decided to go on the rebound. I found somebody new and I had written about it in my blog which my ex girlfriend was a subscriber to. S

 

About 2 weeks later, she came crawling back to me and crying. A week later we slept with eachother and we are currently back together.

[loveinlife]

I wish my ex came back. Im tired of trying to find a new girl friend. Feels like waiting is not helping.

[Brittjean06]

Love in life- stop trying to find a girlfriend. Thats when they'll come:)

[otwin]

So what happened Otwin?

 

How long was it before he returned?

 

 

 

you should read my thread titled "my first thread" ahahha

it took him a month...sigh ahhaha

[loveinlife]

Love in life- stop trying to find a girlfriend. Thats when they'll come:)

 

I agree, I didn't expect my ex when I first met her. I actually didn't like or wanted to go out with her, until we started hanging out as friends and I notices that she liked me. Then the start of our relationship.

 

Yes, I will not try to look. There are girls who like me, but I am just still not opened bc I still have feelings for my ex. *sigh* Thanks Britt for reminding me to take things slow.

[cherrytree]

I completely agree that they want you when they think they've lost you.

after my x broke up with me, he tried many times to get in touch w/me, even looking @ my friendster page a lot. i never answered him. so the other day he sends an email to ask if he can come get his tennis raquet from my flat, i finally answered him. don't know why except i thought it was fair to let him at least do that. but after that i haven't heard from him at all, and no more visits or messages on my page. at first i thought he wanted me back but then after that i think it was just a plot to get something out of me. i agreed to meet up w/him after work (which will be tomorrow!) so he can get his raquet. what do i do when he comes over? how do i find out how he feels/if he wants to get back togheter? if he asks me if i've been seeing someone (i have been out on a couple dates since we broke up) what do i say?

[xxrubyredxx]

 

Can I ask, what is it about him that makes you want to take him back?

 

Did I mention wanting to take him back?

 

I had two opportunities to go and meet up with him after 12 years and I got cold feet and backed out. I think that where we go wrong, when it comes to the question of 'should we give exs another chance', is that when they come calling, we tend to remember and reflect upon the good times in a relationship and conveniently forget the bad times and how much they may have hurt us. But if we placed the bad times uppermost and remembered the hurt and were wise and learned valuable lessons from it all, then I doubt that anyone would give their ex a second chance.

 

I got pretty much caught up in the moment with the ex, but then I kinda came to my senses and began thinking that nothing would've changed between us. We'd been there a thousand times before and it didn't work out and there was a 100% chance, it wouldn't work again. I'd come out of it all as I had before, with NOTHING and it's not worth the grief. Plus he was married and I didn't fancy being second best.....I consider myself worth more

 

Also did you have any contact with this man when you where apart?

 

None whatsoever after the final split, but during the nine year period when we were off and on, yes I did (see below)

 

Time obviousily changes people. Apart from the fact that he kept on leaving. Did you notice any significant changes in his behaviour every time he did come back?

 

It's a long time ago, I can't remember, lol. One thing is for sure and regardless of the amount of times he came back, things were great for a while, but each time it didn't work out yet again.

 

I have to admit I have to admire someone like you to have the courage to take someone back so many times. I think inevitabily, if someone had left before 2 or 3 times before. I would seriousily in the end have some self respect, and say enough. Why? Well in the end you know that they will leave again. For the time you are with him, then that just reduces the chance of you meeting the right man.

 

To be honest, I think that maybe one of the reasons we got back together so many times, is because we continued to remain friends, despite the numerous breakups. I could turn to him for anything and likewise he knew he could turn to me and he always did. I'd bump into him because obviously and when you live in the same vicinity, of course you are going to bump into them. He'd also occasionally come and visit me and we'd sit all night chatting, as friends. If he had a problem, was upset over anything, having family/work problems, he'd turn to me.There are times however when I didn't see him at all for months. Funnily enough and when we did bump into each other after long periods of time of not seeing one another, these would be the times when he'd want me back. I dunno, perhaps for him it was a case of he was witnessing my moving on and he didn't like it, got scared he was losing me for good ???? Strangely enough, in one of his emails he mentioned that he saw me a few weeks prior to finding me online, but I hadn't seen him. Sure enough his seeing me, sparked off his interest in getting in touch. It seems that seeing me, sets him off.

 

Now that I'm older and wiser, if someone were to leave me once, they wouldn't get a second chance....I'd leave it as friends, if possible and depending on the circumstances of the break up. If a relationship doesn't work out the first time around, then it's highly unlikely that it will work a second, third or fourth time (although someone might prove me wrong and come back with they married a guy/girl they gave a second/thrid chance too). Like you say, when people keep on giving ex's chance after chance, they are passing opportunities by, where they could be meeting other potential partners and a partner who may not be a waste of time, as the ex may be. Yes, I likely did pass by opportunites where I could've met the perfect guy and there are times I think, what a fool I was for placing nine years of my life on hold and all on a relationship with a guy, that was doomed to failure from day one we met.

We'd have been best of just being friends.

 

How did he even track you down again after moving away? He must have one hell of a radar! LOL:bunny:

 

He found me on a classmates website I'm registered with and then emailed me. If they want to find you, they'll find a way.

[Guest]

Has anyone ever noticed that the ex always seems to come back when you are finally over them or have found someone else?

Can I hear more stories or confirmations on this?

 

WELL I FELL IN LOVE IN HIGH SCHOOL, I KNEW HE WAS THE ONE THAT I WANTED TO BE WITH FOREVER, I WAS 17 HE WAS 18 EVERYONE AGREED WE WERE TOO YOUNG TO BE SO SERIOUS. AFTER I GRADUATED WE MOVED AWAY AND I WAS LEFT WITH THIS HOLE IN ME, I HAVE SEARCHED AND SEARCHED FOR THAT FEELING THAT I HAD WITH HIM BUT WAS NEVER ABLE TO FIND IT AGAIN.. I DID GET MARRIED (MORE THAT ONCE) AND HAD 4 CHILDREN WHO ARE ALL GROWN, I HAVE 3 GRANDCHILDREN AND I AM 48 YEARS OLD AND ON MY OWN SINGLE FOR THE FIRST TIME...

 

MY PHONE RANG ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO AND IT WAS SOMEONE I DID NOT KNOW LOOKING FOR ME FOR WHO ELSE? MY HIGH SCHOOL LOVE! MY 30 YEAR SCHOOL REUNION WAS LAST WEEKEND SO I WENT AND WE MET IN THE PARK WHERE WE USED TO SIT, I AGREED TO MEET HIM THERE BEFORE THE REUNION, WE BOTH SAID THAT WE STILL FELT THE SAME THE ONLY THING IS HE IS "UNHAPPILY MARRIED" I AM NOT SURE WHY HE TRACKED ME DOWN, HE TRIED TO SAY BUT I DON'T THINK HE EVER GOT MORE THAN HALF A SENTENCE OUT ON ANY SUBJECT, HE WAS VERY NERVOUS AND SEEMED TO BE SINCERE. I THINK HE PLANS TO LEAVE AS SOON AS HIS LAST CHILD LEAVES SCHOOL, HE HAS CALLED A COUPLE OF TIMES BUT HAS MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE NEEDS TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE FIRST AND DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE A FACTOR OF WHY HE IS LEAVING,

 

HE HAS WANTED TO LEAVE FOR 26 YEARS, WE BOTH LIVE IN DIFFERENT STATES, I GUESS I AM A LITTLE CONFUSED ON WHAT IT IS HE WANTS, I AM SCARED OF GETTING ANOTHER BROKEN HEART SO I WON'T LET MYSELF BELIEVE HE STILL LOVES ME AND ACCORDING TO HIM IT IS THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN IN LOVE, SO THE QUESTION IS ARE SECOND CHANCES REAL DO THEY EXSIST IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION? I DON'T WANT TO GET REAL HAPPY AND GET MY HOPES UP UNLESS IT IS POSSIBLE. THANKS FOR READING THIS....SUE

 

(Moderator's Note: This poster uses commas instead of periods.)