My BF is now the jealous one

[kbah]

I have been dating my BF for a year and a half. About three months ago we broke up for a few weeks. Things were getting heated, lives were stressful, and we needed time for ourselves. Before the break-up I had begun to feel very insecure with our relationship and even the way I was feeling about myself in reaction to his actions. Once we broke up, I felt a lot better about myself, cleared my head, sorted things out, and then we tried again.

Before we got back together he asked me if I had hooked up with anyone else while we were broken up and I responded yes. I had kinda made out/ messed around with a couple people but I just told him that it was none of his business, since we were broken up. (So he made up the story in his head--and thought to himself it was only with one guy)

It seems as though after finding this info out and since we've been back together, now HE is the jealous one. He gets insecure when I go out (whether I tell him about other guys or not-he just ASSUMES that I am getting hit on) I am an attractive, outgoing female and often times I do get hit on, but I dont see what the big deal is. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! I am not going to leave him for someone else. He will accuse me of "flirting back" or causing the confrontation.

When I try to console his insecurity by getting to the root of the issue he tells me that I should be more sensitive and just hug him or tell him everything is ok. (But my point is that he'll continue to be insecure if I only bandage up the wound instead of get to the root)

FINAL THING: During a sort of heated discussion that he brought up about me hooking up while we were broken up...I kinda fibbed to him. I told him that I had only kissed the ONE guy. I was dishonested, but I feel that it really is NONE of his business and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. (We weren't dating AT ALL and we'rent even TALKING at that point- I also really didn't have intentions with getting back with him)

 

How can I deal with the insecurities?

Should I ever tell him the truth about my promiscuous actions?

[Spectre]

But dude, thing is, you dated for a year, and within a few weeks of breaking up, you're messing around with other guys? Not just one, but multiple. He probably feels like you aren't that into him since you didnt really wait that long, i mean this is a year and ahalf relationship, not a one month fling.

 

Anyways, who initiated the breakup?

 

Should you be honest with him? Yes, what is the point of getting back together if you're gonna lie? It's none of his business if you're gonna stay friends, but if you're gonna get back with him, I think he does.

 

I mean, it would change my perspective on thr relationship, she loves me cuz she wants to get back together, but she also hooked up with other ppl a week or two after we split, I dunno, to me that isn't really gf material. Its different if it was months inbetween the split and back together, but a few weeks for a year and a half relationship? If I was him, unless I'd fooled around too, I probably wouldnt stay with you.

[KittenMoon]

Ditto what Spectre said.

 

Also, by saying "But we were broken up so it's not your business!" you're belittling his feelings and actually preventing him from trusting you again.

 

A simple sentence might help: "I am sorry, I can't change things. But I am here with YOU now, and that's where I WANT to be."

 

Repeat this (or similar) every time he needs to hear it. Try to be sensitive to his perspective, not annoyed by it.

[kbah]

I like your honesty and I do agree with you.

 

I am not making excuses- but I also am.

 

While we were broken up (looking back) I think I didn't really feel too much of any emotion. I never allowed myself to actually DEAL with the pain or loss. I merely just went out almost every night and kept very busy so I didn't even have to THINK about him or any pain I might be feeling. It caused me to make some very stupid mistakes that I even regret for myself. It was a learning experience FOR ME, but what good would it bring by telling him? (I do not believe he would break up with me for it, so why add trouble to the relationship when it does not involve the both of us?)

 

I can see your point as well as mine, though.

[Cecelius]

Ditto what Spectre said - after dating for a year, broken up "a few weeks", you were "hooking up" (I assume that means more than a mashing) with multiple guys -- and that's the truth.

 

The b/f thinks its less severe but still, the issue is "she loved me so much that 2 seconds after we broke up, she's exchanging undergarnments with other dudes..."

 

To me, it would be an issue of not having the same opinion of the girl anymore -- if I'd been dating her, putting in my time, didn't randomly hook up with her, and then she's giving it out to a couple different dudes immediately after a break up (largely because of her insecurity).. I just wouldn't look at her the same way anymore.

 

Of course, I would never date a girl I broke up with -- there was a break up for some reason, and how is that different now?

 

So in the end, I agree your b/f is a chump -- he should just get out and not ask for reassurances.

[kbah]

I love how you seem to be speaking as though I am not even reading this. I was the one that requested the post, you would think that you would at least ADDRESS me.

 

I see your point, but it makes it hard to value your opinion when you speak like you have an ass for a mouth.

Thanks for ****ting on my thread, Cecelius.

[kbah]

Quick Question for you.

 

Maybe I am just feeling like **** at everyone's responses (rightfully so), but I do not think that he is Mr. Perfect either. Two minutes (NO exggeration) after we broke up he was messaging this random "hot girl" from his class and trying to get to know her. Yea, so I waited a week and a half to kiss another guy---he waited two minutes to flirt, set up another prospect, whatever. How do you think I felt? This doesn't justify my feelings, but maybe you will get a better idea of the situation.

[Walk]

Whoa... whole lotta people posting about how you should be truthful and honest. Uh.. I DISAGREE! I do not feel it's any of his business what you did or did not do while the two of you were NOT in a relationship. Absolutely none of his business.

 

However, if you had sex, or could potentially be at risk for carrying an STD, then you need to tell him. Anything that could potentially put his health at risk, then he NEEDS to know that. Otherwise, No. It isn't his business who you hung out with or who you kissed and petted after the break up.

 

Also, I don't think he really wants to know. Honestly? I think he's asking because he's thinking far worse than what really happened. I think he imagines you slept with a handful of guys while he was out of the picture, and what he's really asking for is reassurance, not brutal honesty.

 

The idealism of youth is very inspiring, but it doesn't always relate to reality. I assume the OP is a big girl, and would be able to determine if telling him the truth would hurt him more than help him. She's implied that it would cause him more pain and insecurity then he already deals with. She isn't putting him at risk (assuming you didn't sleep with anyone else), she isn't lying to get away with something, she isn't avoiding responsibility for her actions. She's simply omitting a detail that would cause her partner to suffer. It's a white lie. Tell your wife she does look fat in those pants, or lie and say she looks thin. To me, this is the same.

[Spectre]

Quick Question for you.

 

Maybe I am just feeling like **** at everyone's responses (rightfully so), but I do not think that he is Mr. Perfect either. Two minutes (NO exggeration) after we broke up he was messaging this random "hot girl" from his class and trying to get to know her. Yea, so I waited a week and a half to kiss another guy---he waited two minutes to flirt, set up another prospect, whatever. How do you think I felt? This doesn't justify my feelings, but maybe you will get a better idea of the situation.

 

Who initiated this breakup? For two reasons

 

One-Its shady as hell to dump someone, hook up with random guys, then go back to them expecting NOTHING to change

 

Two- If you did dump him, he could of said the thing about the "hot girl" to make you jealous, or make you think he was over you. It really doesnt justify hooking up with multiple guys. I also doubt it was merely just kissing, these days it never is.

 

You shouldnt need to hook up with random guys to learn the lesson that you shouldnt hook up with random guys weeks after breaking up, then go back to the poor sap. Again I say: what is even the point of getting back together if you're going to lie? I mean, do you care about the guy at all? If you do, you'll tell him.

 

It is very much his business, if it was a one month relationship? Sure, its not, but a year and a half? F*ck yeah it is, if you dont have the decency to tell him, then just dump him, cuz youre already beginning your relationship with a lie.

 

@Walk:

 

Thing is, she *is* avoinding responsibility for her actions. Hooking up with one guy is bad, but multiple guys might cause her bf to dump her. She is omitting details so he wont leave her, not taking responsibility for showing a lack of respect for the relationship they had.

 

She said he wouldnt even dump her if she told him, obviously the guy is willing to let this girl walk all over him and disrespect him. if she really cared about him she'd tell him the whole truth and let him decide if he wants to be a person like that.

 

The whole "not telling him spares him pain" is BS, sure, it might cause him pain now, but the pain will be 100 fold if he finds out a year from now that his gf hooked up with multiple men while they took a short break. The reality is, when people say this, they really dont wanna feel the pain that would be caused by knowing they hurt someone, thats it.

 

If you care about your bf, tell him, if not, then good luck, this relationship wont last long. I doubt you'll tell him anyways, but you'll probably come to regret it down the line, what if this is the person you marry? Now you have to live knowing you lied. *shrug* if i loved someone, that would bother the hell out of me, maybe you're ok with that sort of thing.

[ElroyJetz1]

Issue # 1 - If you do not like peoples responses to your post dont make a post especially if it entails your maladaptive functioning of your relationship.

 

Issue # 2 - You need to grow up. You are immature and the gentleman you are dating does not need to be with a person of your lack of moral turptitude. A year and a half in a relationship, a three week break and you fool around with not one, several other guys and then have the audacity to say oh its none of your business ? He needs to kick you to the curb and fast.

 

Issue # 3 - Oh yeah, grow up.

[jgcampbell300]

Whoa... whole lotta people posting about how you should be truthful and honest. Uh.. I DISAGREE! I do not feel it's any of his business what you did or did not do while the two of you were NOT in a relationship. Absolutely none of his business.

 

However, if you had sex, or could potentially be at risk for carrying an STD, then you need to tell him. Anything that could potentially put his health at risk, then he NEEDS to know that. Otherwise, No. It isn't his business who you hung out with or who you kissed and petted after the break up.

 

Also, I don't think he really wants to know. Honestly? I think he's asking because he's thinking far worse than what really happened. I think he imagines you slept with a handful of guys while he was out of the picture, and what he's really asking for is reassurance, not brutal honesty.

 

The idealism of youth is very inspiring, but it doesn't always relate to reality. I assume the OP is a big girl, and would be able to determine if telling him the truth would hurt him more than help him. She's implied that it would cause him more pain and insecurity then he already deals with. She isn't putting him at risk (assuming you didn't sleep with anyone else), she isn't lying to get away with something, she isn't avoiding responsibility for her actions. She's simply omitting a detail that would cause her partner to suffer. It's a white lie. Tell your wife she does look fat in those pants, or lie and say she looks thin. To me, this is the same.

 

 

OMG what happend to honisty. screw it tell him what he wants to here to make things work out better for you. thats messed up. so you want this guy to be another 1 year deal then thats the way to go.

 

Why dont people try something new. just lay all the freeking cards on the table in the beggining. quit playing games. if you wana be 90 with this person then dont you think he deserves 100%. not just a mushroom treatment. i dont know that whole thing just bothers me ... non of his buissness. well if your life is non of his buissness then dont get back with him. he might think it is some of his buissness. I know i would want to know for sure. and if you start lieing now when will he beleve you again if ever?

 

I am going to have to say i am sorry right now for what i have just wrote. that is in my OP alot of peoples problams. NO HONISTY. im sorry again ... ill shut up now.

[Walk]

There is so much emphasis on the fact that it was "multiple" men... there's an undercurrent of "slut" running through each response. Always the reference to "if it were only one... " As usual, I'm probably reading too much into it. But the response seem to be that it would have been acceptable if she had only hooked up with one guy. To me, if it'd only been one guy I would think she felt something for the "one" guy, and hadn't felt that much for the ex if she could transfer her feelings so quickly. But it was a few guys, so I'm more prone to believe that she really didnt' feel anything for these guys. It was an ego boost, or to fill a gap, or just experimentation.

 

Also, She stated that the two of them had broken up with NO intention of getting back together again. At that point, her life is her own. She does not owe it to anyone to account for her actions, or to attempt to explain herself in anyway. They were over. Doesn't matter who initiated the break up. You imply it would be significantly different situation if HE had initiated the break up. I disagree.

 

Last, honesty is admirable. Yet at times, using honesty as a knife to wound isn't always appropriate. If I omitted to my bf that I cheated on an ex in my past, then I am not being honest with him. From the responses on here, then I am "maladaptive", dishonest, and lying in order to get my way. Yet, what would it accomplish by telling him this? My intention is not to cheat on him. It was a distinct set of circumstances which led up to it, that I am aware of and can avoid in the future. Now is not the same as then, and I have learned a great deal to avoid that type of situation again. But you would say I should've told my bf of my full past? Why? So that he'll always question me, wonder if I'm telling the truth, when I will cheat again. It causes unfounded fear, and distrust, all during a period of time in which I had no association with my bf. I should bare all, and allow him to judge me when he wasn't there to help me, or support me? Where was her bf? In the arms of another girl? Or there for his gf?

 

The OP's situation was a distinct set of circumstances that she hadn't repeated while in the confines of the relationship. It's not as though she hooked up with "multiple" men while they were together. She didn't cheat on him. From her posts, it sounds to me as though she understands to a degree what caused her to seek out multiple men. It was her self-esteem. She see's what caused the break, and the backlash from it. I don't feel that it's something she's going to repeat because the circumstances are not going to be the same. Unless they break up again... in which case the bf needs to state that it's a "break" and not a break up, and that neither of them are allowed to date others. But what I see is a lack of communication from him as to the state of their relationship at the time of the break up, and his expectation if they were to get back together. If he even minutely thought he wanted to get back together in the future, then he should've made it clear what the conditions were prior to breaking up. Otherwise he's punishing her for expectations that he didn't communicate to her about. She isn't punishing him for going to the arms of another woman while they were broken up. So why are you calling her "maladaptive"? In my opinion.. the bf needs to grow up. If he honestly wouldn't accept her behavior, then he should have practiced what he's preaching and not been with anyone else during the break.

[Guest]

I dont think lying is ever the answer, no matter what it will always come out. You cant hide the truth, yet at the same time.....it really isnt his business what you did while you two were not together. Then again if your relationship is not strong enough to handle the truth then its probably already doomed. This isnt much help and probably not what you wanted to hear...sorry. But it makes sense. Honestly is important in a relationship.

[kbah]

Walk- I appreciate your deep and thoughtful response that looks at the situation from both sides. First off, I was the one who broke the relationship apart because of things that HE was doing. He was completely disrespected our relationship and I dealt with it for two months and loved him anyways. This caused me to have a very negative feeling about him, the relationship, and myself during the time, and after seeking advice of a counselor, I decided it was best for me to break it off. I was so hurt and confused at the break-up (I wanted to...I didnt? But I NEEDED to), but I knew it was either on or off. I could not "break" bc I was already too hurt.

 

We were broken up and I was with a couple guys without the intention of ever being with him. He was already hardcore flirting and seemingly seeking out other women, why the heck should I just sit around. I made decisions based in what I wanted to do...not what HE wanted me to do, bc he was in no part swaying my decision. DURING the relationship (especially the end) he was constantly making decisions that were completely selfish and had no consideration to me at all- he knew they would hurt and did not tell me or did them anywyas and hurt me.

 

My question: From this perspective- Why do I have to tell him what will only hurt him more? He KNOWS I have been with someone else. He has come to terms with it and we are now happier than we have ever been. Do I feel guilty for what I did when we were broken up? YES- but bc it hurts him. If we had never gotten back together I would never have a reason to feel guilty-bc it would not hurt anybody. But I have TOLD him how sorry I am and how bad it feels that he is affected by a decision I made solely based on ME. What good would come of me saying " three weeks after we were over I made out with this really awesome guy I met at **** and we took it back to his place and I slept over. Do you want to know more?" HONESTLY?!?!

 

About the immaturity- yes I agree. It was stupid of me to react in that way- apologies.

 

General comment about the posting courtesy- If I am the one who makes the post and asks the question- Why is it soooo wrong of me to challenge the opinion of others. In one sense it is provoking more conversation and opinions---why does it matter whose post it is?

[kbah]

I've decided to tell my bf the truth about my actions when we were broken up. I expect him to be upset, but do not feel he can really hold it against me in anyway. (He has done some equally crappy things to me WHILE we were dating). I am hoping he can rationalize it in this way and we can agree that IN THE PAST we have both hurt each other and that we need to leave it in the past and move forward.

 

I appreciate everyone's commentary- although at times extremely challenging and hard to swallow it really opened my eyes.

[Spectre]

There is so much emphasis on the fact that it was "multiple" men... there's an undercurrent of "slut" running through each response. Always the reference to "if it were only one... " As usual, I'm probably reading too much into it. But the response seem to be that it would have been acceptable if she had only hooked up with one guy.

 

lol, no, you weren't reading too much into it, atleast on my part. Yeah, in my eyes, breaking off a one year relationship, then hooking up with multiple guys weeks later? Yeah, its pretty slutty. No offense to the chick, thats just how I feel.

 

You made a point tho, if it was just one guy, and this was a guy she'd been wanting and broke up with her bf for, its different.

 

 

Last, honesty is admirable. Yet at times, using honesty as a knife to wound isn't always appropriate. If I omitted to my bf that I cheated on an ex in my past, then I am not being honest with him.

 

It depends, if your bf flat out asked if you cheated previously, and you said no, yeah, you're not being honest. If he doesnt ask, you dont need to say anything. Thing is, she said this guy asked.

 

Yet, what would it accomplish by telling him this? My intention is not to cheat on him.

 

Why do you have this impression that you need to accomplish something to be honest? I mean, what ever happened to being honest just because, i dunno, its the right thing to do?

 

What do you accomplish? Nothing, besides the fact that you didnt lie to someone you care about. If you truly cared about the person, wouldn't that be enough?

 

 

It was a distinct set of circumstances which led up to it, that I am aware of and can avoid in the future. Now is not the same as then, and I have learned a great deal to avoid that type of situation again. But you would say I should've told my bf of my full past? Why? So that he'll always question me, wonder if I'm telling the truth, when I will cheat again.

It causes unfounded fear, and distrust, all during a period of time in which I had no association with my bf. I should bare all, and allow him to judge me when he wasn't there to help me, or support me? Where was her bf? In the arms of another girl? Or there for his gf?

 

 

This is all fine and dandy, but its also just excuses. So what if your bf questions you? Hey, thats *your* fault, you are the one who cheated in previous relationships. Did you think that would only effect the guy you cheated on? Sorry, no. It will effect everyone your with, thats a part of life, every act has a consequence, simply because you dislike the results doesn't give you the right to lie to your bf. You say it would be an unfounded fear..but obviously it wouldnt, you've done it before.

 

I bet if you if I spoke to you 6 months before you cheated on the guy you cheated on, you'd say you would never dream of cheating, yet it happens. Now of course, my luck, you will say something like "no thats wrong" but you get what im saying, most people dont go into a relationship thinking they're going to cheat. Either way you spin it, it doesnt give you the right to lie.

 

I'd rather know my gf cheated in the past, then think she's someone she isnt.

[kbah]

I told my bf last night about my actions while we were apart. He was hurt (as I suspected) but he actually handled it much better than I think I would have. He said that he doesn't like to hear about me with anyone else, but he understands that we were broken up and that it was my decision what I had done.

 

Throughout the night I continued to answer his questions and offer reasurance to him to prevent his insecurities from festering. He has no reason to feel insecure. He thanked me for being honest. I didn't cheat on him and I won't. I believe this was a huge step in our relationship and a huge step for me as well.

 

Everybody is happy and the "right" thing has been done.

 

-and ya know what. If he doesn one day end up breaking it off bc of this, then I have learned my lesson and we were not meant to be.

[Fritz]

It seems as though after finding this info out and since we've been back together, now HE is the jealous one. He gets insecure when I go out (whether I tell him about other guys or not-he just ASSUMES that I am getting hit on) I am an attractive, outgoing female and often times I do get hit on, but I dont see what the big deal is. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! I am not going to leave him for someone else. He will accuse me of "flirting back" or causing the confrontation.

 

One point, just for thought but perhaps he's a bit more jealous because uh, you did dump him. While it "doesn't matter" to you (and you should show this in your actions to rebuild trust), you did leave him (and hooked up with other people fairly quickly) so its not hard to understand where his feelings of jealousy are coming from.

[Cecelius]

Threadjack -- I'm glad the OP and B/F have worked things out. I wanted to react to Walk's post on a couple points.

 

But the response seem to be that it would have been acceptable if she had only hooked up with one guy. To me, if it'd only been one guy I would think she felt something for the "one" guy, and hadn't felt that much for the ex if she could transfer her feelings so quickly. But it was a few guys, so I'm more prone to believe that she really didnt' feel anything for these guys. It was an ego boost, or to fill a gap, or just experimentation.

 

Just a feelings reaction: whether its a cheating situation or a break up situation, I wouold respect my g/f much more for having feelings for someone, having him be individually important to her, whether she's cheating on me or has dumped me for him, then I ever possibly could if it was short term hooking up.