MOther-In-Law Treats grandkids differently

[theobaldsix]

I need some advice, please! My husband and I have a blended family; he came to our marriage with a 7 year old and 8 year old daughter; I came into it with a 7 year old son and a 2 year old little girl. My ex is not in the picture at all and my new husband has legally adopted my children and changed their names. All this is great. HIs mother is the problem; although she buys Christmas presents and birthday gifts for all 4 kids, there is always secrecy when her 2 "natural" grandchildren open their gifts, like she tries to have them open their presents alone, with only her, knowing the kids come back and show/tell my kids anyway--so waht's the point. I'm OK with this after 5 years. However what i'm torn about is almost every summer since we have become a family my mother-in-law takes the 2 girls (my husbands) on some summer vacation-one year it was to New York, another it was to Canada, another time to San Diego and now to Santa Barbara. Initially my husband let his mother know how this was upsetting that she took only 2 of the kids and left the other 2 out; her response was that the baby ws "just too young" and that our son was the only boy and "wouldn't really fit in with only girls on the trip". For whatever reason we bought it. I guess I wanted to believe that things would improve as time went on and that her reasons were valid. My mother-in-law spends a fair amount of time with our youngest, all the kids call her Grandma and she seems to really enjoy our youngest yet this year when another trip was planned, my husband was left out of the details completely. We didn't even know there was gioing to be a trip, let alone that it will be during one of his regular weekends (we have his daughters every other weekend) My mother-in-law planned this with my husbands ex. Once again leaving out my children. My son is now 14 and sees right through his "grandmother" so says he doesn't mind (who really knows) but when our now 7 year old found out her "sisters" (who she is very close to) are going to with "grandma" and she wasn't invited, she is crushed and confused. I am angry that again my child is good enough to show off as her grandchild but not good enough to go on these trips. At the same age my daughter is now, my mother in law was flying the other 2 kids around the USA to see their Dad and visit other relatives. ANy advice?

[mess4u]

How does your H feel about his? Does the unfairness bother him as much as you.

 

I can understand the need for the Gram to want to bond extra time with her Bio Grand kids.

 

I would suggeast telling her she is hurting the other children with these trips and with their best interest in mind she can take all 4 or none.

 

Im sorry i dont feel that is wrong to want to bond with her two but it is wrong to mess with your childrens feelings. They might end up taking this out on eachother with jealousy. that would be bad.

 

Maybe she could take her kids out to do something fun like lunch and a movie while you take yours to do something and call it Mommy bonding time instead of Grammy time.Turn it around a little

 

If the whole seperation of the kids really bothers you then tell her out right all or nothing.

[Sassy]

My MIL treats my SO son from a previous relationship better than mine and my SO daughter. This is ou daughter together and you would think by the way she is treating our daughter she was only mine. My SO notices this and makes comments but she ignores it. My SO father treats her this way too! She actually treats all the other grandkids better than our daughter. It isn't just with the the son . She took my SO son and the other grandkids to see the movie " Cars" She knew our daughter liked that movie and never even thought to ask. I just have come to the conclusion she don't like our daughter cause it is mine.

[quankanne]

put your foot down, pronto. Tell them that unless she can be fair to ALL the grandkids, then none get to play with her. Also tell her that if she's going to do special things with certain kids, then she gets to do special things with ALL the kids.

 

her planning special trips with her grandkids' mom is a whole other story, and I doubt that the ex cares if your children will be treated fairly so long as hers are.

[a4a]

Not putting up a defense for the MIL but do you think it is possible that she is putting more time into the 2 children because they have split parents....

Since your H adopted your kids and they live with you, maybe she is thinking they(his kids) need extra input?

 

Talk to her...... no sense in forcing the issue down her throat. Keep it positive and just say what you feel without blaming her.

 

I think it is awesome she is willing to do so much perhaps she is also a little afraid to step on your toes regarding your children?

[Mz. Pixie]

put your foot down, pronto. Tell them that unless she can be fair to ALL the grandkids, then none get to play with her. Also tell her that if she's going to do special things with certain kids, then she gets to do special things with ALL the kids.

 

her planning special trips with her grandkids' mom is a whole other story, and I doubt that the ex cares if your children will be treated fairly so long as hers are.

 

Your H needs to stand up and tell her that this is unacceptable. This is something that HE needs to handle. If all of the kids can't go- then none of them can- and he needs to tell his mom that HE is the one who will decide where his other two kids go and that he should be dealing with him on this and not his ex. It's fine for her to still be nice to her and all, but that's as far as it should go.

 

I work with a woman who has this issue with her MIL. Except their child IS her grandchild, not adopted or step, she's blood. The MIL keeps her daughters kids all day and after school so she doesn't have to pay for daycare. She takes them to Disney, on other trips etc. But yet my friends daughter is never taken. She won't even offer to babysit the girl overnight- and she keeps the other three all the time. I would be busting my husband's ass if it were me. She just tolerates it and feels bad for her daughter but the daughter is starting to catch on. The MIL had the nerve to bring the other three kids to my friends house to swim during the day when she wasn't home, but didn't bother picking up her daughter to go swimming too.

 

My MIL is also pretty close to my husband's ex- they talk- but only because of his son- which is cool with me. They used to change my husband's visitation without his consent, to what worked better for them. However, she is very very very good to my children as well- just as good as she is to my husband's son. I was blessed in that aspect- these were my children from my prior marriage.

 

If your husband is not the one to set boundaries on this issue- and tell her that it's just not fair if some get to go but all of them don't then it's going to continue. If you try to put a stop to it, she will see you as the bad guy. He needs to be the one to stop it.

[sugarplum]

I have been in the same position. But I ask you to view it from another angle. Do your bio children have grandparents that they see, visit, or get gifts from? What about grandmas bio grandkids? Is there another set of grandparents? Do these same kids see, visit, or get gifts from your parents?

 

I know what you are going through. Blended families are so damn complicated.

 

I also have kids with a totally absent parent. So my step kids get 2 birthdays (one with mom and her family, one with dad and his family) 2 christmases, etc. Twice as many gifts, parties, etc. My kids only have one - with me. It leads to jealousy and hurt feelings. My mom feels she needs to be more generous to my kids to make up for their dad's side giving them zilch. I see her point, but it makes my H's kids upset - even though they are already getting from 2 other families. So it could seem they want it to be fair, or it could seem they want seconds, and then thirds and are greedy.

 

Is it otherwise fair all the way around for all kids involved other than with this grandma?

 

Oh, and my H's family doesnt give gifts to my kids for anything. In spite of this His kids get mad when my family doesn't give gifts that are what they feel is "enough" to them. Now grandparents on both sides only give to their own bio grandkids. Its such a shame, but its how it worked out.

[theobaldsix]

Your H needs to stand up and tell her that this is unacceptable. This is something that HE needs to handle. If all of the kids can't go- then none of them can- and he needs to tell his mom that HE is the one who will decide where his other two kids go and that he should be dealing with him on this and not his ex. It's fine for her to still be nice to her and all, but that's as far as it should go.

 

I work with a woman who has this issue with her MIL. Except their child IS her grandchild, not adopted or step, she's blood. The MIL keeps her daughters kids all day and after school so she doesn't have to pay for daycare. She takes them to Disney, on other trips etc. But yet my friends daughter is never taken. She won't even offer to babysit the girl overnight- and she keeps the other three all the time. I would be busting my husband's ass if it were me. She just tolerates it and feels bad for her daughter but the daughter is starting to catch on. The MIL had the nerve to bring the other three kids to my friends house to swim during the day when she wasn't home, but didn't bother picking up her daughter to go swimming too.

 

My MIL is also pretty close to my husband's ex- they talk- but only because of his son- which is cool with me. They used to change my husband's visitation without his consent, to what worked better for them. However, she is very very very good to my children as well- just as good as she is to my husband's son. I was blessed in that aspect- these were my children from my prior marriage.

 

If your husband is not the one to set boundaries on this issue- and tell her that it's just not fair if some get to go but all of them don't then it's going to continue. If you try to put a stop to it, she will see you as the bad guy. He needs to be the one to stop it.

You are exactly right. Unfortunately mu husband seems to be afraid of his mother. He and I have had several talks about this recently (because I ma still so upset about it). His answer is that he knows his mom will just say "tough ****" and not change anything. I say tell her how we feel anyway. It's a matter of letting her know how it makes everyone else feel. I know it is my husbands responsibility, not mine;How do I make him stand up to his mother??

[theobaldsix]

I have been in the same position. But I ask you to view it from another angle. Do your bio children have grandparents that they see, visit, or get gifts from? What about grandmas bio grandkids? Is there another set of grandparents? Do these same kids see, visit, or get gifts from your parents?

 

I know what you are going through. Blended families are so damn complicated.

 

I also have kids with a totally absent parent. So my step kids get 2 birthdays (one with mom and her family, one with dad and his family) 2 christmases, etc. Twice as many gifts, parties, etc. My kids only have one - with me. It leads to jealousy and hurt feelings. My mom feels she needs to be more generous to my kids to make up for their dad's side giving them zilch. I see her point, but it makes my H's kids upset - even though they are already getting from 2 other families. So it could seem they want it to be fair, or it could seem they want seconds, and then thirds and are greedy.

 

Is it otherwise fair all the way around for all kids involved other than with this grandma?

 

Oh, and my H's family doesnt give gifts to my kids for anything. In spite of this His kids get mad when my family doesn't give gifts that are what they feel is "enough" to them. Now grandparents on both sides only give to their own bio grandkids. Its such a shame, but its how it worked out.

Sugar,

 

I wish my kids did have another set of grandparents to celebrate and equal things out. We moved from Texas to be near my husband's bio kids (the BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life), when we did, that left my mother. I rarely speak to my mother since the move (other circumstances). My father lives 9 hours away and is on an extremely fixed-low income. We see my father when we go to visit, he is very fair with all the kids; sends each of them b-day cards, christmas and the like. Yes my MIL has said on many occassions she feels my husnbands bio kids "have really had a rough life"--mind you both sets of grandparents (my husband's parents and his ex-wife's are VERY wealthy) these girls want for NOTHING! HONESTLY! Aside from material items, they are bombarded with affection so I can't see where my MIL gets the idea the bio kids are more in need of her attention. I don't know I feel if I can't get my husband to stand up to her, just for the sake of confronting her, this will destroy our marriage. I don't think mu husband sees the severity in it for all our sakes.

[Mz. Pixie]

You are exactly right. Unfortunately mu husband seems to be afraid of his mother. He and I have had several talks about this recently (because I ma still so upset about it). His answer is that he knows his mom will just say "tough ****" and not change anything. I say tell her how we feel anyway. It's a matter of letting her know how it makes everyone else feel. I know it is my husbands responsibility, not mine;How do I make him stand up to his mother??

 

Well then he and I would be having major marriage problems. He just needs to put his foot down. He has to live with you, not her.

 

How can she say tough when those are his kids??