The idea of a prenuptial agreement?

[Just Not Sure]

My boyfriend and I were discussing if we ever got married, and he admitted that because his past divorce cost him a lot of money, at this point he can't see himself ever marrying without having some kind of prenuptial agreement in place, to prevent him from losing so much again. I can see where he's coming from, to an extent, but it irks me a little.

 

Just because his ex wife was a golddigger, that doesn't mean I would be like that. I told him I felt that if you're considering spending the rest of your life with someone but you start it off by worrying how much you'll lose should you ever split up, then maybe you're either not with the right person, or you have trust issues that need to be dealt with.

 

I am not his ex wife. I am divorced myself and during mine, I didn't want anything from my ex and I was determined to make my own life on my own. I didn't want any of his possessions or anything we'd bought together while married. I didn't want alimony, I wanted nothing. I figured I'm an adult and should I be in a marriage that ends, I'll do things the same, I'll be fair. That's just the kind of person that I am.

 

Makes me seriously wonder if perhaps he's so far away from being ready to marry, if he's already worried about getting taken to the cleaners. I am not his ex wife. I am me; a good honest, independent fair person. I'd feel insulted if he wanted a prenuptial agreement with me. It would be like him subtly declaring some degree of mistrust.

 

What do you feel about this?

 

Just Not Sure

[Tony T]

I think you're way off base.

 

The reality of marriage is that half of them don't last and when there are substantial assets, there's usually a fight over them.

 

In many cases, both men and women ask for prenuptual agreements to protect assets that will rightfully belong to their children from their previous marriage one day. In most states, by law, assets or appreciation of assets accumulated after a marriage has taken place are joint property.

 

Your man has worked very hard for what he has and he wants to protect it. It has nothing to do with his love for you or his faith in the longevity of a marriage with you. It has to do with good, practical common sense. You ought to be proud to be marrying a man who thinks with his brain and not his penis.

 

Provisions in a prenuptual agreement can protect you as well. It should be prepared jointly so both parties' interests are protected and to be sure you retain an interest in assets accumulated during your marriage with him.

 

Hopefully it will last a lifetime. But if your marriage lasts ten or 15 years, it will still be a success and both of you will know exactly where you stand without any fights.

 

Prenuptuals can be changed or voided over time. But the way the world is now, no person can be too careful. Young people with a whole life ahead of them can get married without worrying about such agreements and be OK. But as you get older, it's far better to put everything on the table and for all parties to know just where they stand before taking such a big step.

 

Read: "Marriage Is A Loving Business" by Paul Hauck. It's been out quite a long time but I'm sure you can order it on the Internet. After reading it, you will have a much greater understanding of your honey and of the realities of marriage.

 

Good luck. You've got a good man!

[Ed]

I understand you feel as if he doesn't trust you in some way by wanting a prenuptial agreement. However, at the same time, you have basically said you would not want to take anything from him if the relationship were to ever fail. If you truly feel this way, then you have nothing to loose by legally agreeing to certain things prior to getting married.

 

It is not a matter of trust. It is a matter of agreement. If he thinks he would feel better by having a prenuptial agreement and you are going to be fair about everything anyway, then why don't you agree to agree now?

 

How you act about this now tells him a lot about how you might act later. If you intend to be fair later, why not show him that you can be fair now?

 

Statistics indicate that about 50% of all first marriages fail. The percentage of failure for second marriages is even higher. Your second marriage (if you have one) may not fail, but to ignore the higher probability is reckless at best.