Big argument with Spouse

[95735735]

In an effort to keep the post brief, and have left out a lot of the details, but I am in no way hiding the details, and will post same if requested.

My wife and I are in a huge fight. She did something to hurt me, to teach me a lesson, (her words). I responded very poorly. I apologized for my behavior, and promised I would not do it again.

My wife's current position is:

1. What she did to me was not hurtful to me.

2. What she did to me was not wrong.

3. If what she did was hurtful or wrong, what I did in response was so bad that any ransgression by her is no longer an issue.

3. She has accepted my apology, but will not forgive me.

4. She has promised not to do what she did again, but she will not apologize or accept any responsibility for the incident.

 

Now that I read the above, I realize that the above sums up every fight we have had the last four years.

 

My question: Do I just continue to accept 100% of the blame for all of our fights? Is it unreasonable for me to expect my wife accept some portion of responsibility for our fights?

 

Thank you for your help.

[JamesM]

In order to answer your question, I think more info is needed.

 

What was the fight about? What did she do? Etc., Etc. In other words, yes, please fill in the details. Do not worry about length. Many of us enjoy reading long posts.

 

How long have you been married? Main problems fighting about? Previous marriages? Affairs?

 

And to me it sounds like your wife played a mind game...been there dealt with that.

[superconductor]

In order to get through to your wife, you'll have to speak her language.

 

Makes no difference what the argument was about or who was to blame.

 

Speaking a woman's language often requires lots of emotional openness and integrity. But for most men - myself included - that's very, very difficult. We are often conditioned to keep our feelings to ourselves, because when we don't we're perceived as weak and not in control. Women often complain because their man won't open up and let his guard down in front of them. But when we do, our words, emotions and feelings (they're not the same thing) are often used against us.

 

There comes a time, however, when it's best just to suck it up. Tell her how you feel, how what she did hurt and damaged you. Pull no punches (metaphorcially speaking, of course).

 

It's highly likely that she'll use your own words against you. That's when you just suck it up. Absorb the emotional body blows. The issue is not who's right and who's wrong, it's about communicating on a level that makes sense to her.

 

Good luck. Any man who's ever been married has had exactly the same thing happen at some point.

[quankanne]

something important is being left out of your original post. Is there some kind of abuse going on – physical, mental or vocal abuse?

 

any of those would be enough to keep a person from forgiving another.

[Guest]

It's highly likely that she'll use your own words against you.That's when you just suck it up. Absorb the emotional body blows. The issue is not who's right and who's wrong, it's about communicating on a level that makes sense to her.

 

This in my opinion is not true.

This is a marriage

By absorbing the emotional blows and by sucking it up you are NOT communicating.

 

You need to sit down and get it out on the table in front of you both.

Don't try and cover up anything like SC wants you to.

If she uses your words against you don't just suck it up. Sit down with her and explain your side.

If she throws emotional blows then sit her down and explain your side.

[dreamergirl]

I always accept the blame for all the fights with my partner, too because I just want to keep the peace. It makes me angry and resentful inside, but I can't stand open conflict so I do it anyway and eventually I feel better when we are getting along. I also accept the blame for things that have gone wrong even if they have nothing to do with me (whether his fault or nobody's fault). One of the reasons why I do this is to keep the relationship together, he's so up and down I am afraid that he'll break up with over a stupid fight.

I don't know if you give in for either of these reasons.

[95735735]

As requested, here are the details:

 

I asked my wife to read something I found on line, a funny story. She replied she did not want to read it. I said you always ask me to read things, or to look at things, why will you not read this for me. She said thank you for reminding me of that, you do not always want to look at what I am trying to show you, now you know how it feels. I told her she was being mean, she replied, smiling and laughing, that she is teaching me a lesson. I tried again to tell her she is hurting me and I pointed out that her apparent enjoyment of hurting me is very painful. She then mockingly rubbed her eyes and said "boo hoo."

 

At this point I lost it, and threw a cup of water I was holding in my hand on her. Not the cup, only the water in the cup. I left the room for about 3 minutes. I knew I had crossed the line, I went to her to apologize. I was told she does not want my apology, she called me crazy, told me to get away from her. I responded "I will show you crazy. I danced around the living room, running my finger up and down over my lips, tried to act like a crazy man. She went to our bedroom and closed the door to begin the silent treatment.

 

At this point I got very calm, still hurt, but calm. I went to talk to her, apologized again, she told me to leave. I told her I love her, I love our family, she began to hum to make a point she is not listening. I left the bedroom, slept on the couch. This was two nights ago, I am still on the couch.

 

We have been married 7 years. She is 32 and I am 37. We have two children, 2 and 4 years old. I have never touched her out of anger. I have never hit her. There has been no cheating, no affairs, physical or emotional. We do not drink. First and only marriage for both of us. No previous children. She is a stay at home mom and I work outside of the house. I am home every night except when I am traveling on business, which is once a month for no more than 2 nights; I own a company and work very long days during the week (12 hour days, sometime longer). But I hardly ever work weekends, perhaps 6 Saturdays a year, and never on Sunday. Every day I am not at work we are together as a family. I am a pain in the ass, and I know I am a hard man to be married to, but I know I am difficult, and I try hard not to be. I think knowing your own limitations and weaknesses is half of the solution.

 

Dreamgirl,

 

Your assessment is accurate. I do not want the angst, and I will usually apologize just to get the problem to go away. I can usually only stay mad at her for half an hour, but this time, her enjoyment of hurting me was extra painful.

 

Anyway, yesterday after I posted my wife called me, forgave me, apologized to me, and me to forgive her. I accepted and now it is over. I am sorry to have wasted anyone's time.

 

Thanks

[Buttaflyy]

I agree with your wife. You were out of line and don't deserve an apology. Because she wouldn't read something hurt you? Getting her back is not throwing water on her. You took it way too far. You say that these are reocurring arguments in your marriage. Are they mostly similar to this? If so, I'd think that she has alot to deal with, with you.

[quankanne]

rday after I posted my wife called me, forgave me, apologized to me, and me to forgive her. I accepted and now it is over. I am sorry to have wasted anyone's time.

 

it's never a waste of time to air your concerns. And in light of what you shared about that particular incident, it sounds like y'all were having a rough patch in communicating with each other.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Maybe the two of you need a weekend marriage encounter retreat or something (no, not marriage counselling).

 

It may be different things you argue about, but the way you two deal with them sounds very childish to me.

 

You both need to learn how to react to each other in a more respectful way. You can't control how she will react to you, but you can control how you react/respond to her.

[blind_otter]

As requested, here are the details:

 

I asked my wife to read something I found on line, a funny story. She replied she did not want to read it. I said you always ask me to read things, or to look at things, why will you not read this for me. She said thank you for reminding me of that, you do not always want to look at what I am trying to show you, now you know how it feels. I told her she was being mean, she replied, smiling and laughing, that she is teaching me a lesson. I tried again to tell her she is hurting me and I pointed out that her apparent enjoyment of hurting me is very painful. She then mockingly rubbed her eyes and said "boo hoo."

 

At this point I lost it, and threw a cup of water I was holding in my hand on her. Not the cup, only the water in the cup. I left the room for about 3 minutes. I knew I had crossed the line, I went to her to apologize. I was told she does not want my apology, she called me crazy, told me to get away from her. I responded "I will show you crazy. I danced around the living room, running my finger up and down over my lips, tried to act like a crazy man. She went to our bedroom and closed the door to begin the silent treatment.

 

At this point I got very calm, still hurt, but calm. I went to talk to her, apologized again, she told me to leave. I told her I love her, I love our family, she began to hum to make a point she is not listening. I left the bedroom, slept on the couch. This was two nights ago, I am still on the couch.

 

I think both of you need to learn some conflict management skills. First off, your wife invalidated your feelings. That is a big NO NO, people. And that is how you pick a fight. Ignore your partner's needs, however stupid they seem to you, and gloss it over? That's bullshyt.

 

Secondly, you never "Teach your partner a lesson". That implies that you are somehow above them. And that's a pretty immature way to communicate your emotional needs. SHe should have replied that it hurts HER when you don't want to reciprocate the behavior, rather than trying to instruct you through action.

 

You went over the line by giving in to the impulse to vent your frustrations through physical action toward your partner.

 

She fueled the fire by refusing your attempt at reconciliation, and invalidating it as well by calling you "Crazy".

 

AS far as I can tell your wife seems to be sensitive about something else and taking it out on you.

[bertie]

You threw something at her? In my opinion - forgiveable but don't expect amnesia! It's amazing how it's all the little things that cause all the trouble. Try to put things in perspective before getting upset.