3 year relationship, run it's course?

[Guest]

I feel sick.

 

Not the ill kind you get when you've eaten to much or caught some sort of bug, just a nagging sickness deep within my stomache. It's like a nervous sickness, a sad sickness, not a very nice sickness.

 

I think I know why it's there and that's why I am writing this becuase somehow writing down how you feel is a sort of release to me, it doesn't matter if anyone actually reads it, or cares about it, it's simply just my self therapy.

 

I have been with a girl now for three years, obviously, she is quite a girl for me to have spent this long with her, the third year we spent living together but I can honestly say that it was a mistake. Even before we moved in, there were cracks - arguements occured frequently; we upset each other and when we did, it just became a slagging match before eventually I gave in and apologised until it would go back to a state of held down anger. It always seems to be there, under the surface, some sort of volcano waiting to erupt at the slightest event. I digress... what I am trying to say is, I love... loved? this girl for these three years, she was capable of making me immensely happy but also make me feel worse than ever before - I can imagine that I have a very similar effect on her. The problem is, I don't know how to make her happy anymore, and she isn't really making me happy - it's like she has this split personality - sometimes I glimpse the girl I fell in love with, but most of this time it's just this woman who rips me apart in arguements and puts me down. I don't think she realises how bad it is sometimes although I tell her; and to be fair to her, she often tells me I don't do enough and I am only starting to realise that maybe I didn't. I think it might be too late.

 

Anyway, this culminated recently in a "break" which she instigated; it was pretty much the worst time I've had in a very long time, I felt lost and alone and just wanted to go back to the way things were - she suggested that they slowly do so. But to me, it never went back - it was still a "break" situation, we were tentative around each other, cautious with everything, yet still managing to piss each other off and argue.

 

Last week I went to a party - I got drunk, and a met a girl; I didn't sleep with this girl.. but... we talked all night and had a laugh all night and I felt a feeling I hadn't felt in the three years I had been with my girlfriend; the excitement of fancying someone; and the pure heart pounding feeling you get when you think about them. I don't know if this girl fancied me or just wanted to have company and a laugh at the party, which we did have - and I don't expect her to think of me as anything more than this guy from a party once... but I can't help the way I reacted, and that reaction is basically what I said, fancying someone.

 

It was knda a turning point in the way I looked at my relationship - I've never ever before fancied someone else when I've been with my girlfriend and it hit me hard to think that I can actually feel this way about some one else. I told her I might want to make the break more official... she didn't react very well, I think the tables have kinda turned or maybe it's jsut the fact that no-one wants to hear they are not wanted.. or at least not wanted so much. I just think I might be happier single now, now I think that maybe she wasn't the be all and end all, maybe just another experiance to life, and good one overall, but one that had run it's course and had to end.

 

I've tried to sum this up, becuase I've felt pretty crap all week becuase of this, I don't exactly know what I expect to get as a reply - maybe get told I'm an idiot for thinking about ending a three year relationship becuase of some girl I fancy - maybe re-assurance from someone who has done the same and feels happier now for it - maybe nothing, just the self soothing feeling that I've poured myself out and it's there for all to see.

 

I commend you if you actually read all this, and maybe I will get flamed for writing so damn much.. oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

- Anon, Canada

[bab]

Anon,

If you feel that it is time to move on, then it probably is. Not for the girl at the party, but for yourself. It sounds as if the two of you are unhappy and have been for somewhile. I'm sure it will not be easy since the two of you live together, but if you feel it's time to let go, then let go.

Best wishes,

Bab

[P1xie]

I'm not quite as far as you are but I know that there is not much more with me and my BF. It's hard to break it off after you invest time in a relationship. I always felt that if you are in the position that you are thinking you can actually be with someone else. Doesn't have to be the girl you met at the party then it's time to move on. Or if you dread when the person comes home...

 

I wish you all the best.

[norajane]

I've been in your shoes...long term relationship, living together, and the cracks were there way before we moved in. I stuck it out, but once I realized that I was noticing all these other guys when I never had before, that was a wake-up call for me to take a deeper look at the cracks. When I did, I saw that the cracks had become chasms and really, I had fallen out of love with my fiancee. Not only that, I had no interest in trying anymore. I was exhausted from trying to fix things between us. As soon as I moved out, I knew it was right - I felt so much lighter and happier even though I felt sad because of the years and love between us. It was the best decision I could have made for myself.

 

IMO, you have realized that your relationship has serious problems and maybe you don't want it to be sooo hard and unhappy and angry all the time. Waiting for that volcano to erupt takes its toll. There's no point to it if there's no joy.

[serial muse]

guest, you sound like a thoughtful person. this is clearly not an overnight decision, but something you've been wrestling with, on some level, for a long time. no one will flame you for having these doubts. it sounds like they're completely reasonable. sometimes the hardest part of a breakup is when there's no bad guy, but everyone's just unhappy and it isn't working anymore and there doesn't seem to be a way to fix it.

 

it sounds like you guys had communication issues for a while...i guess the only thing for you to think about is whether those are symptomatic of your relationship or whether they're something you need to work on in general (i'm a bit worried that you tended to bury your anger, and also that you said that later, perhaps too late, you realized you hadn't done enough - though i don't really know what that means exactly). only you can know what those things really mean, whether they're a tendency you have and/or whether they're uniquely related to how you and your girlfriend interact...but regardless of the answer, that doesn't mean you should stay in your current relationship just because you're already in it.