Trying to change me

[Just Not Sure]

One last post, I apologize.

 

In my boyfriend's past marriage, I think he made some mistakes and he's learned from them. He worked long hours and it sounds like he took his wife for granted to an extent and maybe didn't take the time to let her know how loved she was.

 

He says he's learned a lot from that and he wants our relationship to be one in which he applies the lessons he's learned. (does that make me his guinea pig?)

 

Last night we were talking about things, and he mentioned how someday he'd like to buy me a sexy dress so we could go out for dinner. I tried to explain to him that I'm just the kind of person who'd prefer to buy my own clothing, that buying clothing for someone is really tough but that I'd gladly take him WITH me to shop for something nice. It was as if he was trying to convince me that I should let him do this. But it's not my thing.

 

He then told me that I'd look good in a red sexy dress. I mentioned to him that most of my dresses are black, that I look good and feel sexy in black. Again, he was trying to convince me that I should expand my horizons and get a red dress.

 

It was almost as if he's trying to change me. Maybe his ex wife had complained that he'd never bought her nice clothing and now he's trying to make up for it..but I explained to him (nicely) that I am me, and what other women might have thought was the 'right' thing for him to do, isn't necessarily right for me.

 

And maybe his wife looked good in a red dress, but again, I am me and if I don't like red I shouldn't feel guilted into wearing it. Does this sound a little like someone who's a bit on the controlling side?

 

Just Not Sure

[sparkle]

You wrote, "He then told me that I'd look good in a red sexy dress. I mentioned to him that most of my dresses are black, that I look good and feel sexy in black. Again, he was trying to convince me that I should expand my horizons and get a red dress."

 

I don't think he's trying to "change" you just by asking you to wear a red dress for him. It simply sounds like he thinks you'll look very sexy in a red dress. I don't think it will hurt you, put any strain on you, or change who you are if you accept his gift, and wear the dress for him. Wearing an outfit is not going to hurt you...it's such a small favor on your part that he will really appreciate.

 

Since you said most of your dresses are black, I know most of my guy friends like seeing their women in a variety of styles...throwing in a little red dress can add a little excitement into your relationship.

 

A close (gay) guy friend of mine once knitted me a pair of socks for me...VERY bright and colorful and didn't match any outfit I had. Well I wore them one day when we went out for lunch and he was soo happy. As for me, didn't hurt me at all.

 

Personally, I'd be delighted if my guy bought me a sexy dress to wear. Anyhow, it's up to you. If it really bothers you to wear it, then don't...but tell him nicely.

[Just Not Sure]

What I didn't indicate very well is the fact that he was pretty much arguing with me about these things I posted above. When I told him that Red really wasn't my color and that I'd feel better/more sexy in something black, he really argued that I should consider something red. He's never even seen me in a black sexy dress so I told him he should wait until he does then see what he thinks. He was doing his darndest to convince me (almost to the point of being annoying) that I should get a red dress.

 

About him buying ME a dress, again, he was almost getting beligerent about it. It was as if he was trying to force me into agreeing that I'd like it if he did that. It's almost as if someone once told him that to show a woman you love her, you buy her clothes. As most women know, buying clothing isn't so simple as picking up a size 5 off the rack and it fitting. As well, a woman chooses something that makes her feel sexy, which in turn makes her sexy to her man. The way I see it is, it's my body and I will dress myself and look sexy just fine. I don't need someone shoving their opinions down my throat, trying to change how I feel about things.

 

For the record, he let me know long ago that his wife was obsessed with clothes. She didn't work and he made lots of money and she spent all her free time shopping. I on the other hand, don't care that much about clothes. I'm secure with myself, I have different priorities in life and I know that clothes aren't going to give me lasting inner happiness. For the record, I don't dress like a goon, I dress quite nice but if I had the choice of buying something for my home (or family) and buying an expensive outfit, I'd choose the former. That's just me and that's just one thing about me that makes me unique. I get the impression that he thinks that all women should be like his ex wife. I keep trying to remind him (nicely) that I am me....I'm not like anyone else he's met before and like he told me from the start, that I'm different than anyone he's met before (a good thing, so he told me from the start).

 

He's also made a big deal about me wearing clear lip gloss. It's obvious that someone from his past wore this and he really likes it. I don't wear all that much makeup and I thick globby clear gloss is something that 14 yr olds wear. Again, I feel he's trying to get me to be like someone from his past. Why can't he just accept me for the person that I am?

 

Just Not Sure

One last post, I apologize. In my boyfriend's past marriage, I think he made some mistakes and he's learned from them. He worked long hours and it sounds like he took his wife for granted to an extent and maybe didn't take the time to let her know how loved she was.

 

He says he's learned a lot from that and he wants our relationship to be one in which he applies the lessons he's learned. (does that make me his guinea pig?) Last night we were talking about things, and he mentioned how someday he'd like to buy me a sexy dress so we could go out for dinner. I tried to explain to him that I'm just the kind of person who'd prefer to buy my own clothing, that buying clothing for someone is really tough but that I'd gladly take him WITH me to shop for something nice. It was as if he was trying to convince me that I should let him do this. But it's not my thing. He then told me that I'd look good in a red sexy dress. I mentioned to him that most of my dresses are black, that I look good and feel sexy in black. Again, he was trying to convince me that I should expand my horizons and get a red dress. It was almost as if he's trying to change me. Maybe his ex wife had complained that he'd never bought her nice clothing and now he's trying to make up for it..but I explained to him (nicely) that I am me, and what other women might have thought was the 'right' thing for him to do, isn't necessarily right for me. And maybe his wife looked good in a red dress, but again, I am me and if I don't like red I shouldn't feel guilted into wearing it. Does this sound a little like someone who's a bit on the controlling side? Just Not Sure

[Just Not Sure]

I don't think I explained myself very well so please read my "clarification" post in this thread.

 

I can't explain it very well, but it's like he gets very frustrated with me when I don't see things the way he does. He keeps pushing the issue, as if he doesn't care what I have to say. Like I said, he's never even seen me in a black sexy dress yet, and I don't even own anything red so he has no idea what I'd look like in red. Maybe the dress thing is superficial...it's more that he's being very pushy in wanting me to dress the way he wants me to dress.

 

Just the other day, he kept riding my ass about how one of my bathrooms had many cans/bottles of hairspray in it and that I should clean it up. It's not even a bathroom he uses. The rest of my home is spotless. I guess I'm not explaining this very well but he has a way of being almost bossy in his requests. Who cares how many bottles of hairspray I have? The bathroom in my bedroom and the main bathroom are neat and tidy. It's just a little weird to me. I don't go into his home and tell him that there's so much clutter there that it gives me a headache. It's his home and he has the right to keep it as he pleases. I also don't tell him how to dress, or if I do suggest that he'd likely look good in someone and he doesn't agree, I don't go on and on about it, to the point of being unrelenting. I just respect how he feels and focus on loving the person, him.

 

Just Not Sure

You wrote, "He then told me that I'd look good in a red sexy dress. I mentioned to him that most of my dresses are black, that I look good and feel sexy in black. Again, he was trying to convince me that I should expand my horizons and get a red dress." I don't think he's trying to "change" you just by asking you to wear a red dress for him. It simply sounds like he thinks you'll look very sexy in a red dress. I don't think it will hurt you, put any strain on you, or change who you are if you accept his gift, and wear the dress for him. Wearing an outfit is not going to hurt you...it's such a small favor on your part that he will really appreciate. Since you said most of your dresses are black, I know most of my guy friends like seeing their women in a variety of styles...throwing in a little red dress can add a little excitement into your relationship. A close (gay) guy friend of mine once knitted me a pair of socks for me...VERY bright and colorful and didn't match any outfit I had. Well I wore them one day when we went out for lunch and he was soo happy. As for me, didn't hurt me at all.

 

Personally, I'd be delighted if my guy bought me a sexy dress to wear. Anyhow, it's up to you. If it really bothers you to wear it, then don't...but tell him nicely.

[Daisy]

So you say "Why can't he just accept me for the person that I am?"

 

Well if you want him so dearly to accept you for who you are, you need to be willing to accept him for who he is ... and that includes his many flaws. That includes his way of thinking about things, his way of dealing with things, along with any other quirks that make him unique. He's not perfect. He's lived a life completely different than you, and therefore he has completely different ways of handling things than you do. You will not be able to mold him into thinking the same way about things that you do. It's just not possible.

[Ed]

Agree to let him buy you a dress, but go shopping together so you can make sure the dress is one you like and one that fits the way you want it to. Don't rule out a dress just because it doesn't fit perfectly. Any good dress shop will offer custom tailoring too.

 

Try on red dresses. Try on black dresses. Try on dresses with black and red (Hint! Hint! Hint!) I'm sure you can find something you both like.

[Lilly]

Hi Just Not Sure,

 

I posted my response to your "living together" before I read your other posts... now that I've read them all I'm really not liking the sounds of your guy.

 

A lot of the things you've said smacked of de ja vu for me. For a short time I went out with a guy, who in the end, was way not over his ex yet, perhaps that's the case here. He also said to me, right from the start, that I was unlike anyone he'd ever met (a good thing), he always made comments that his ex had a 'small frame' and that's what he was attracted to (I'm a size 10 Australian... that's small!), he told me that his ex used to wear this or that... made comments and tried to convince me (to the point of arguing) that I should I wear my jeans tighter or my skirts shorter (like her I imagine), I was constantly having to tell him "I'm me, not your ex!"... you get the picture. Needless to say he became history very quickly and soon after apologised for treating me like that, he admitted he wasn't over his ex (DUH!).

 

Granted, your man's ex had a major part in his life, the memory of her is not going to go away overnight but to be honest, from all your posts, there really doesn't seem to be too much emotionally on his part that's there just for you... what you share, who you are, what you need and want. Any person with the intention of starting a new life with someone would want to or at least be inclinced to choose to move out of the home in which he made a life and raised his kids with another woman, if anything for the sake of their partners preferance not to mention starting fresh emotionally as well as physically (meaning geographically) yet he came up with the excuse (and it IS an excuse) that the market isn't good (perhaps he just wants you to fill her place? - it seems that this is what you are intuitively picking up).

 

He then said he can't ever see himself getting married without a pre-nup agreement (fair call given the statistics of marriage these days) but again it's because of the ex who took him to the cleaners. Then the dress thing, the bathroom thing... doesn't sound like there's a lot of room for you in all of this and not just because of the dress thing etc, more that he just doesn't see or respect you for who you are, as a person. He sounds a tad on the selfish, celf-centred side, which comes through as controlling (my way or the highway). I don't know how you are feeling but at the time he made me feel like I just wasn't good enough (which I damn well am, too good for him actually), I felt like I was competing against someone that existed only in his mind and heart... it wasn't about me and who I was. It's rather soul-destroying, even the small taste I got.

 

My instinct was telling me the reality... I questioned, I got logic in there, but in the end it was spot on. You instinct is talking to you, you're listening... keep paying attention.

 

Best Wishes

[Just Not Sure]

I'm glad to know there's someone out there who can understand my uneasiness here.

 

It's just a little unnerving and a little hurtful. For instance, one day he was going on about him going out and buying me nice undies, lingerie, etc. The way he talked about it was like this is something he's done in the past and that ALL women must like this (meaning: his clothes-horse ex wife). Call me crazy, strange, old fashioned, a prude, whatever you like but that just aint my thing. I'm more than capable of buying my own sexy undies. It's not that I'm narrowminded, it's just that he gets my back up when he brings these things up. It's hard to put a finger on (though I'm sure you can relate) but it's almost like he's wanting me to be like someone else from his past (his ex).

 

It's like she brainwashed him into thinking that "all" women are obsessed with clothes, lingerie...that "all" women love it when their man buys them a sexy dress for dinner. Um excuse me pal but not "all." I've never been one to conform, I'm unique and I am my own person and when I tell someone that something isn't "me" and they seem so hell bent on convincing me that that's not the case, that gets my back up.

 

Yes, maybe he isn't over his ex wife, very good possibility there. I sometimes wonder what's going on there.

 

He says for the past 6 months, she's been asking him for some "crock pot" that he has (that used to be theirs). The other night, he (out of the blue) asked me how much a crock pot cost, so I told him. Then he told me that she keeps asking for the one they had. Says every once in a while she'll call him up and ask for something that she left there. Almost seems to me like something someone would do if they were trying to keep in contact. I find it a little disconcerting.

 

When they divorced, she definitely got the long end of the stick, he was more than fair. Between the child support and alimony she gets monthly ($1500 per month) plus what she makes at her job, she makes more than some men. Yet she's still quibbling over a fekking $40 crock pot? And why would he even have to tell me?

 

On one occasion, we got talking about the physical characteristics of those we've dated in the past. He mentioned that he's always dated blondes. Then he was looking at my hair and asked if that color is my natural color (I'm brunette). Then he has to let me know that his ex wife is blonde and that she was a "blonde barbie doll." Was that really necessary to tell me? I have never met her yet, and I've made sure to never see pictures of her (if there are any around) because I fear I'll start comparing my looks to hers and that's stupid.

 

How can I know for certain if he's really over her? He seems extremely smitten with me and each day he says he loves coming home to me (he spends most nights here).

 

I am me, I love myself and I have a lot of good qualities. I'm not some tiny 5'2" barbie doll blonde who spends her days shopping. I don't have a collection of lingerie. I like who I am and if I feel I'm being compared to her (which I'm starting to suspect), I'm out. I don't compare him to my past boyfriends, some of who were gorgeous, awesome in bed, bodies to die for, blah blah blah.

 

Seeing how you've been in this position before and you know where I'm coming from, maybe I could mail you some time?...I feel bad for subjecting everyone here to all of this, I'm really not the type to burden other people with my problems mostly because most friends I have have never had to deal with this. My address is <e-mail address removed> You probably know a lot of the other signs I should be watching for, I'm just starting to feel concerned here but I don't want to overreact.

 

Going to go read your response to my "moving in together" message.

 

Just Not Sure