Married but obsessed with ex

[Confusedmarriedchic]

I have been married for almost 10 years, but I can't stop thinking about my ex-BF from high school. We were off and on again in high school and weren't "serious" by my now-adult standards, but I still think about him everyday and am convinced I did love him. I saw him a few years back and went out for drinks just as friends, and I swear there was a spark between us, although nothing happened as I was loyal to my husband. We conversed via email for a few months afterwards, but then simply lost touch. I still thought about him all the time, but thought it best to leave it alone since I was married, and I didn't want anything to happen to screw that up. Better not to tempt fate, I guess. Anyway, a few years have gone by since our last meeting, and I still dream about him and think about him, usually on a daily basis. Sometimes I wake up from dreams about him and start crying because I realize they're not real, and that I can't have him. I have found out he has since gotten married as well, but still that hasn't helped. I still wonder about what could have been and maybe what should have been. Someone please tell me how to make myself stop thinking about him, because it's obvious we aren't ging to be together. I just want to be able to focus completely on my husband and not constantly be thinking about another man. The constantin dreaming and thinking about the ex are making me crazy!

[julieg]

what does your ex have that your husband lacks? why did you break up with your ex?

[mess4u]

I think alot about my ex too. I was the one who broke it off because I couldnt trust him to make a good future for a family or anything like that. He was a big kid basically, But oh god was he hot and knew how to work me.

 

Unfortunantly a little better than my H.

 

But that wasnt enough to realize that sex was the only thing we had.

 

Anyway when I think about Him, I change my thoughts completly and go straight to the cons! I rarely have any good thoughts about him now.

 

Plus, I love my husband and I dont want to see if the grass gets greener on the other side because, I think its better to keep adding fertilizer to ours.

 

Think bad thoughts and hopefully you wont be interested any more.

Good luck

[K1llpr0n]

did your ex respect you more? do more things for you?...treat you better?... if so..mayyyybe you should talk to him about it without saying that you always think about yout ex. just tell him what you need and want.

[julieg]

Anyway when I think about Him, I change my thoughts completly and go straight to the cons! I rarely have any good thoughts about him now.

 

Think bad thoughts and hopefully you wont be interested any more.

Good luck

 

I think this will work for you!!

[bertie]

I find that the only time I think about my ex is when things are not going well in my marriage. She was hot, but so is my wife and it passes as soon as whatever 'issues ' we are having are resolved.

[Confusedmarriedchic]

I wish that the only time I thought of him was when my hubby and I had issues, but it's not. Things can be going perfectly well, and I still feel this sort of panicky feeling like I'm with the wrong man, and that the ex is who I'm supposed to be with. It's completely stupid because it was just a high school romance, but I still can't shake the thoughts of him. Even when my husband and I are having really good times together, there is this feeling of sadness because I feel like I'd rather be with the ex, not the hubby. I hate feeling like I'm betrying my ex with my own husband! It's completely ridiculous, but for some reason I can't make my brain stop thinking these thoughts!!!!

[Curmudgeon]

I hope you realize that you are practicing emotional adultery in your marriage. Have you considered some counseling because there are likely some latent marital issues that are bubbling to the surface that you haven't addressed.

 

Short of that, perhaps you should consider leaving the marriage since you're doing your husband a huge disservice.

[whichwayisup]

You need to go talk to someone so you can learn how to control your thought pattern. The obsessive thoughts you're having about your ex is going to ruin your life. It's not normal to be thinking and fantasizing about him so much. I hope you're aware of this!

 

A trained therapist who specializes in cognitive behaviour therapy can help you learn how to re-train your brain and thinking patterns. You can fight those thoughts and not let them take over.

 

I also think you married the wrong guy. Even if you get over your ex, I'm not sure if you're really happy with the man you're with now.

[Rob In NC]

The last thing you need is a therapist. They are a waste of time and money. It is obvious to me that you are still in love with your ex, but you feel bad because you do care about your husband. I know how you feel. I'm not quite in your situation because I'm not married, but I still dream about my ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago. I have dreams that she calls me up and we go out. Then we just hug and kiss and tell each other how much we love one another. Then we get back together and I feel so much joy. Then I wake up and realize it's a dream and get depressed. I think about her all of the time. I'm convinced she married the wrong guy.

 

Our sex was the best she and I ever had. I haven't had a girl as good as her since our break-up. It sucks. Like mess4u did, my ex basically psyched herself into thinking I was a big kid with no future. So she married a guy she really wasn't crazy about. Five years ago she went behind his back to have lunch with me. She was basically telling me to finish school in her city. That wasn't an option because I was going to another city. While I was finishing school, she got engaged. Then she married him right after I graduated.

 

The only reason why she married him was because of 9/11 and the fact that his mom gave her a job. She felt obligated to tie the knot with him. He was from NY and became a cop in NC. She got caught up in all of that 9/11 hoopla. She was ready to settle down because she told me that when we had lunch. She settled down with him because he was there. It's a damn shame because I know without a doubt she should be with me. But there isn't anything I can do about it. Oh well.

 

I guess I need to do what other people do and psych myself into thinking about all of her negatives.

[Confusedmarriedchic]

I hope you realize that you are practicing emotional adultery in your marriage.

 

I hate to see it interpreted as that. I have never gone behind my husband's back when I was emailing my ex and when we went out for drinks - he knew about all of that and said it was fine. I don't even have any contact with my ex now, out of respect for both my husband as well as my ex and his new wife. I don't want to be a nasty homewrecker for either side. I just don't see how it's considered adultery if I don't even have contact with the other person.

 

I simply would like to be able to "fix" myself. I actually have seen a counselor and told her what was going on. She too thought it was likely because of negative aspects in my marriage and the thoughts of the ex were because I was trying to find a way out or something. In other words, I missed what the ex represented, not actually him.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be my case.

[Confusedmarriedchic]

I have dreams that she calls me up and we go out. Then we just hug and kiss and tell each other how much we love one another. Then we get back together and I feel so much joy. Then I wake up and realize it's a dream and get depressed.

 

While I'm not happy that someone else is in a similar situation (as it is really crappy) it is nice to hear that I'm not the only person who deals with this kind of thing. I too have dreams very similar, where the ex and I meet randomly somewhere. In short, he tells me he knows I'm not really in love with my husband, and that he knows we belong together. We then live happily ever after!! Then, I wake up and realize it's a dream. On top of being depressed that it's not real, I also feel guilty. I know if the situation was reversed and it was my husband thinking of his ex, I would be really hurt. I don't want to hurt my husband for anything in the world because he is a good man. I simply don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. In reality, I'm sure my ex is very happy with his new wife and that even if we did ever see each other again, my dream scenario would not happen. I'm getting really frustrated because I've tried everything, from the counselor to remembering the negatives about the ex, and nothing has seemed to work yet.

[whichwayisup]

I hate to see it interpreted as that. I have never gone behind my husband's back when I was emailing my ex and when we went out for drinks - he knew about all of that and said it was fine. I don't even have any contact with my ex now, out of respect for both my husband as well as my ex and his new wife. I don't want to be a nasty homewrecker for either side. I just don't see how it's considered adultery if I don't even have contact with the other person.

 

But you are in your head. You're obsessing about this and it's not normal. If your husband knew the thoughts you were having he WOULD feel betrayed, he WOULD upset and wonder what you truely feel for HIM.

 

I simply would like to be able to "fix" myself. I actually have seen a counselor and told her what was going on. She too thought it was likely because of negative aspects in my marriage and the thoughts of the ex were because I was trying to find a way out or something. In other words, I missed what the ex represented, not actually him.

 

Then go to marriage counselling. Your husband has the right to be clued in that something is missing from the marriage. It's not fair to do this to him, let alone, to yourself.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be my case.

 

You have to decide if you want to stay married. Because as things are now, sooner or later your husband WILL figure something is up and wonder if you're cheating on him.

[whichwayisup]

I simply don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. In reality, I'm sure my ex is very happy with his new wife and that even if we did ever see each other again, my dream scenario would not happen.

 

Then stick with therapy. You haven't found the right therapist yet. And if you want this obsessive thinking to STOP, you have to want to make it stop. You're not doing ANYTHING to prevent yourself from falling into fantasy life in your head. It's not healthy and you are going to get worse.

 

Do NOT give up on therapy. Don't listen to the poster who advised you therapy is waste of time and money. That poster needs therapy just as much as you do.

 

BOTH you and Rob In NC need to GET OVER your ex's and move on. STOP living in the past, those people are NOT in your lives now.

[Confusedmarriedchic]

 

 

 

Then go to marriage counselling. Your husband has the right to be clued in that something is missing from the marriage. It's not fair to do this to him, let alone, to yourself.

 

 

I have thought of that, but I'm scared that if I tell him the reason why I think we need to go, there will no longer be a reason to feel bad about my thoughts, because he'll leave me. I had hoped that going to the counselor on my own would fix it but it's apparent that it won't. So here's the dilemma - do I tell him we need to go to counseling to fix a problem he doesn't even know exists (and is likely solely my problem anyway and not his) and risk him just saying he's done with me because I still have feelings for my ex, or do I just keep trying to ride it out and hope it goes away instead of risking everything?

[whichwayisup]

I have thought of that, but I'm scared that if I tell him the reason why I think we need to go, there will no longer be a reason to feel bad about my thoughts, because he'll leave me. I had hoped that going to the counselor on my own would fix it but it's apparent that it won't. So here's the dilemma - do I tell him we need to go to counseling to fix a problem he doesn't even know exists (and is likely solely my problem anyway and not his) and risk him just saying he's done with me because I still have feelings for my ex, or do I just keep trying to ride it out and hope it goes away instead of risking everything?

 

Read my other post. You haven't found the right therapist for you.

 

You need someone who specializes in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This type of therapy will help you retrain your brain. You have obsessive thoughts and all that needs to change. Your mind is so used to thinking of the ex 24/7, you need help UNtraining your mind to STOP. It's become a habit, and you must break it.

 

If things don't get better at home once you've dealt with your obsessive thoughts, then talk to your husband and go to therapy. But, I believe that once the ex is out of your head, your mind completely, things WILL be better.

 

You're wasting your energy, your love and affection for a man who isn't even IN your life. You have a real live man infront of you, loving you...Yet, you don't see that. Therapy will help you, so please don't give up hope.

[Rob In NC]

Then stick with therapy. You haven't found the right therapist yet. And if you want this obsessive thinking to STOP, you have to want to make it stop. You're not doing ANYTHING to prevent yourself from falling into fantasy life in your head. It's not healthy and you are going to get worse.

 

Do NOT give up on therapy. Don't listen to the poster who advised you therapy is waste of time and money. That poster needs therapy just as much as you do.

 

BOTH you and Rob In NC need to GET OVER your ex's and move on. STOP living in the past, those people are NOT in your lives now.

 

 

LOL. Yawn. What a cliche. I've never heard the phrase "get over it" before. You should coin that phrase. Get over it, blah blah. We know it's over. We know it's the past. Maybe if I could find a girl now who could give a BJ as good as my ex, I would change my views on things. But seriously, there are some ties one makes in this life that will never be forgotten. I will never forget my grand parents. I will never forget my beloved pets. I will never forget her. To say we're living in the past is lame. BTW, therapy is worthless. I majored in business and minored in psychology. My psychology classes were equivalent to a stupid talk show. Therapist are overly sensitive weirdos.

 

The way marriage was originally designed, it was meant for a man and a woman to unite in the eyes of God. Unless you dig up the history of Sodom and Gomorrah, people in the past married young and didn't have several lovers, if any, before their marriage. Today, we all screw around with each other and it does nothing but cause confusion. The more lovers you have, the more likely your marriage is a mistake.

 

Unless I or the original poster do something that is considered "crazy", such as pulling up into our ex's driveway naked and covered with chocalate syrup saying "I rented some movies. Would you and your spouse like to watch them with me?", therapy is completely unnecessary.

[Rob In NC]

Confusedmarriedchic, the WORST thing you can do is tell your husband you need a marriage counselor because you have feelings for your ex. This would be devastating to your marriage. This would crush your husband. Even if it doesn't completely destroy your marriage, it will always be in the back of his mind.

 

Just say to yourself, what are the qualities that you love about your ex that are missing in your husband. Was your ex a better lover? If so, guide your husband to help fit your needs. Was your ex better looking than your husband? If so, motivate your husband to work out some. Did your ex have a better sense of humor? If so, watch more comedy movies with your husband. The wit will rub off on him. What is it about your husband that made you decide to marry him? I'm sure he has good characteristics that attracted you to him.

[Curmudgeon]

I just don't see how it's considered adultery if I don't even have contact with the other person.

 

"emotional." You're essentially cheating on your husband in your mind -- cheating him of emotional thought and energy that should be directed to him alone. Time you spend thinking of someone from your past and pining for them is time you're not thinking about your husband and wanting to be with him. It's akin to having an emotional affair even if you're the only one who knows it. Obviously you make comparisons and your husband ends up being found wanting. The saddest thing about it that there's noithing he can do about it because he doesn't even know it.

 

In time he'll figure out that something's missing and wrong in your relationship. You could end up without either.

 

You DO have contact with the other person -- full contact in your heart and your mind. How is that not adulterous?

[Curmudgeon]

But you already ARE risking everything. I realize that we men can be awfully dense and sometimes have to be hit between the eyes with a 2X4 to get ourm attention but don't ever suppose we're so dense that we can't figure out that someone we love is distracted, disturbed or emotionally distancing themselves from us, or even thinking about another. We may be slow on the uptake but most of us aren't stupid, nor are we totally unaware or unfeeling.

 

Besides, the only "risk" to you that I see is perhaps ending up alone which might be better than being married to one while wanting another. It's certainly neater and more honest.

[Storyrider]

I have struggled with this same problem. I last saw my ex years ago, but often thought about him, even obsessively. But I always pictured him as he was when we dated, aged 19 or 20, in his prime! Well, this may sound kind of shallow, but I googled him and found a recent picture, and well, it helped deflate some of the fantasies I was having. Not that he looked horrible by any means, but he looked like a man in his mid to late 30s. So he has aged, just like I have--imagine that! Now when I think of him I picture this more realistic version and the fantasy stops. You could try this, maybe.

 

Unfortunately, I think I will always struggle with fantasizing about men other than my husband. I married the man with the best character by far and took a loss on sexual chemistry. At the time it seemed the smartest thing to do, but lately I wonder if I should have held out for more sparks...too late now since I have two kids. Could this be part of your issue?

[stillafool]

I struggle with the same problem. It has been 20 yrs and I thought I was over him but for the last year I can't get him out of my mind. I'm really trying hard now. I don't tell my H because I love him and am sure I am going to come out of this. My Ex is married with kids and the last time I talked to him it didn't sound like he had changed much from the person he use to be (a cheater) and that let's me know he's not so great compared to my H, but still I think about him. We get caught up in this fantasy and that's all it is is a fantasy of how we would have liked things to have worked out with that person. I'm sure reality would be much different.

[Guest2]

I have been there with my ex bf of 16 years ago. It was a traumatic breakup due to life circumstances and I contacted him via email three years ago. We are both married with kids. He was thrilled to hear from me and for three years we have been in touch. I got lost in the fantasy of what could have been and couldn't think of anything but him. He never told me he was happily married, always told me it had been a mistake to marry his W, that I was the one he had really wanted. Then he would go on and ignore me for months on end. Then he would contact me again, we'd exchange steamy mails, pictures, a few phone calls.

 

Somehow I got suspcious about what he told me and spied on him a little. Turns out he is a serial cheater and I wasn't the only one he was communicating with. He is aways from home a lot and has cheated on his w with girls young enough to be his daughter. His W has no clue about his activities and he lied to me about having a dead marriage. He has plenty of sex with his w and he tells her she is his world, loves him, etc. That's when I finally woke up and realized that he was a liar and a cheater back then and still is.

 

I should be thankful for not ending up with him. I am deeply ashamed now for doing this to my wonderful H, for whom I have a newfound appreciation. I even met with my ex a few months ago and he is nothing like I remembered him - except that he is still a smooth talker and he would have jumped into the sack with me in a heartbeat if I had let him - which I didn't.

 

I'm over him and just regret spending the last three years pining away for him when the man who is the true love of my life has been right next to me the entire time.

[stillafool]

Oh Guest, your story sounds exactly like mine! Except I didn't meet with my Ex thank God. He was honest with me that he has struggled with infidelity. I like you too have a new found respect for my husband and cherish him so much. I realize that I came out of this happier than his wife,who put me through hell to get him and marry him. At the time we were both dating him I thought I would die when they got married. I'm so glad I didn't sleep with him after he married her. Now I feel sorry for her because after 23 years of marriage and 3 kids she deserves better.

 

I'm just curious how did he change? His looks. When you saw how he looks now did it kill your fantasy?

[Guest2]

Stillafool, do you want to laugh? His W and I also "fought" over him 15 years ago, and he ended up marrying her when we broke up. He had asked me to marry him and I wanted to wait, so he dumped me and ran right back to her. I about killed me too. But six months after he got with her, he came back running to me and I turned him down. I had already met my H and was happy with him, but I never got over the hurt and the rejection and the lies the ex had put me through.

 

What killed the fantasy with my ex was that he was still acting like an imature 20 something year old. His W is like his Momma, taking care of him, but he goes out and effs everything that moves. He even has his profile up on a dating site, yet tells his W that she is his everything, loves her more than life itself, blablabla. Finding out that he is just a smooth talker that tells everybody (me and his W included) what they want to hear was a huge turnoff. My H might not be the smoothest talker, but he is as honest as gold and I can rely on him. He has never let me down, I have never had to worry about him running off with someone else. He is my rock, and I love him more than ever.

 

When I met my ex, I first noticed that he had aged far less gracefully than my H or I. He was not overweight or anything, but he had a soft body, no muscletone. When I hugged him briefly it just didn't feel right. I guess if I hadn't found out what a cad he is I might have fallen for all his smooth BS again, but since I knew what he was all about, I just listened to him and was amazed how he could lie so effortlessly. HUGE eyeopener. He also told me that his M as dead, no sex, just stayed for the kids, the usual BS. Of course I know that in fact they have plenty of sex and he tells her all the time that she is the love of his life. Can you believe this guy? I had always told him that I was in love with my H, that I simply wanted closure from him, so why couldn't he be honest with me about his M?

 

I feel horrible towards my H who has no idea that this ex was part of my life again during the past three years. I wish I could take every single mail I mailed to this liar, tryiing to understand his actions back then. What a waste of time. Good riddance. I don't understand this man, and I never will, and I'm done trying to figure it out. He is just that way and I'm glad I don't have to live with him.