How do you console a friend who was raped

[Becoming]

My daughter has an under-aged friend who was raped while drunk last week. The girl has seen a rape counselor at the crisis center. This is my daughter’s childhood friend who has been making some lifestyle choices that are not my daughter’s even though she continues to be friends with this girl and wants to do what she can to be there for her. She doesn’t know what to say to this friend who confided in her and not her partying buddies. So my daughter comes to me asking what sorts of things she can do for her friend.

 

I told her it was important to not go judgmental on her (i.e. “You shouldn’t have been so snookered that . . . “). And my daughter confessed that after consoling her as best she could, she did gently suggest that maybe the lifestyle she’s chosen isn’t a good one for her. Her friend has said that giving up her partying lifestyle is not something she wants to do at this time. For what it's worth, the girl was not a virgin, so there’s not that loss to deal with.

 

But for those of you who have had some lamentable experience with this scenario, what advice would you give my daughter who wants to be a good friend. How do you console a friend who’s been raped?

[amaysngrace]

If I were your daughter, I would just let her friend know she's there for her. Listen if this girl needs to talk. Call her and ask how she's doing.

 

There really isn't much she can do as a friend, except be a friend. Nothing in the world is going to change what happened, but at least she won't feel so alone.

[SoCalCatman72]

I've never been in the difficult situation that you are in, but if I were, I'd do my best to support them, affirm them and let them know that I am 110% there for them. I would try to make them some comforting meals, but mainly just spend as much time with her as possible so that she doesn't feel like she's all alone against the world, as she is already probably feeling tremendous guilt, even though it was in no way her fault, as well as depression, anger, hatred, and a deep loss.

 

I'd also be pounding on the front desk of my local police precinct demanding that the offending scum be locked up or alternatively handed over to me for immediate justice, Asian style.

 

Sexual predators are the worst type of scum. They should all be rendered coitus ineffective (e.g. chop it off), then given an ongoing transfusion of their own blood (to prolong conciousness) while the victim(s) and their family(s) slowly remove every bit of skin from the offenders body using military issue (extremely dull) potato peelers.

[Becoming]

Thanks. It's considered rape here to have sex with anyone drunk, let alone a drunk minor. She knows this, but I'm not sure if she'll press charges.

 

Would it be good to encourage her to do so? I don't know the exact situation. I do know that I need to ask about birth control.

[amaysngrace]

It's considered rape here to have sex with anyone drunk, let alone a drunk minor. She knows this, but I'm not sure if she'll press charges.

 

 

Personally, I didn't press charges. Because I hadn't realized it was rape until about 2 years after. I think I didn't understand it all, and was possibly in denial. Anyway, I'm glad I didn't. I would imagine that would be a very stressful thing, reliving it all over again. And if she was drunk, how clear is her recollection going to be? The defense will have a field day.

 

If you do suggest she press charges, please do her the favor of making her aware of what she is in for. And recognize too, that the end decision is hers.

[Becoming]

If you don't mind sharing, AG, what residual effects did you experience from this? (Don't answer if you don't want to--no problem!). I can see how the whole thing would be confusing.

 

Anyone seen the movie Speak? It won some awards at Cannes or Sundance, but it was about a teen date raped struggling to tell someone. Very good. But could be traumatic trigger for someone.

 

If it's who I think it might be (my daughter was sworn to secrecy, so she didn't tell me who it was, but I think I may know), this girl acts all tough and cynical; she's very bright and caring inside, weak when it comes to peer pressure and having a good time.

[amaysngrace]

If you don't mind sharing, AG, what residual effects did you experience from this? (Don't answer if you don't want to--no problem!). I can see how the whole thing would be confusing.

 

 

Well, I was definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time. Kind of like the girl you speak of, I was all about having a good time. But it backfired. I don't know if I have any residual effects from it. I kind of put it past me, more or less blocked it from my memory.

 

Honestly it never dawned on me what had actually occurred until a couple of years later. Like I knew it happened, I just didn't see it for what it was.

 

I think the guy actually did me a favor by getting me all messed up first. It wasn't as traumatic as 'dry-rape' would be, I imagine. I don't have any permanent vivid memory of it, if that makes sense?

 

Yes, this is me...always looking for the bright side.

[Becoming]

I can see that this would be a normal response to the situation, AG. I don't know the particulars to know her feelings. The fact that she went to the rape crisis center indicates she has some awareness this was rape.

 

I guess I'll advise my daughter to encourage her friend to keep going to the center for counselling. I need to give them a call to find out what services they offer.

 

I suspect this kid doesn't want to tell her parents. And regardless of who this friend is, I know my daughter's friends, and they're all basically good kids who'll feel guilt and blame themselves to some extent.

[blind_otter]

I can only echo what others have said. Be there for her. Listen to her, don't judge. But as I recall I isolated myself from others, to a huge degree. Another thing I would recommend would be to not have expectations regarding her behavior at this point. To keep calling and checking on her and seeing her, even if the friend does not initiate contact.

 

Encourage her to press charges. I never did and I wish I had, 14 and 7 years later.

[hotgurl]

Also encourage her to tell her parents if she hasn't already. Keeping things like this hidden imo prevents healing.

[Becoming]

I've passed along all the great advice. Thanks!

 

And received more info. Turns out this is not the first time the girl's been raped. She was raped two years ago. Sober. Which would explain some of the anesthetizing behavior, huh?

 

The girl, whom we'll call Sarah, evidently has parents who haven't really been there for her, just let her do her own thing. (What is with that?) So she doesn't want to tell her parents. At which point I asked my daughter how much she wanted to keep this friend--i.e. call the parents and tell them--which she has done before for a friend who was suicidal. In this case, she decided her parents wouldn't do much for her if they knew; they're too wrapped up in their own drama.

 

This situation makes me :sick:

 

We talked about some further options regarding counseling. I'll keep you posted.

 

Can you believe the things our kids face these days at such an early age? And these are intelligent kids from "decent" middle-class homes.

[alphamale]

Encourage her to press charges. I never did and I wish I had, 14 and 7 years later.

Is there a statue of limitations?

[blind_otter]

AFAIK there is a 7 year statute of limitations. Just about when the first one was up I was raped a second time. And yes, Becoming, I can totally believe what young people face today since I went through something similar. To me this is a consquence of incomplete sex education. I think it should happen at an early age, and continue throughout high school, and that young people should be aware of these situations.

 

Most parents don't even know what to tell their kids to do when faced with a situation like rape, or potential rape. And most don't talk about it with their children.

[Becoming]

Well I can honestly say I've now had that conversation.

 

The girl doesn't think she can press charges because she didn't say no. Geez. Ya think that's why the law is there in the first place?

[blind_otter]

Well it is really hard to go through a trial.

 

When I was getting ready as the witness against my psycho ex, the state attorney outright told me that I would be on trial, that my personal life, my lifestyle choices, would be put on display, and that the jurors would be asked to judge ME and my credibility, not my ex.

 

I wouldn't want to go on that witness stand either. I didn't, obviously. I was messed up mentally enough as it was.

[Becoming]

Yeah. This girl's not gonna press charges. Can't say I blame her.

[SoCalCatman72]

Look, this is just my opinion, so don't get mad;

 

The child is a minor. If in fact the parents are aware that this child was raped once before and now has been raped again and refuses to do anything about it, it's possible that the parents can be charged with endangering the welfare of a minor, neglect or outright abuse.

 

Rape is a Felony crime, those who perpetrate this heinous act are criminals, and sexual predators statistically have been shown to be habitual repeat offenders. If this guy is not apprehended, then it is more than likely he will continue preying on other minors.

 

Research also shows that sexual crimes tend to increase in the level of associated violence with the crime.....it goes like this.

 

perp rapes girl 1, date rape with alcohol/drugs involved, no report no charges filed.

 

perp, having gotten away with the first rape, proceeds to rape girl #2, this is also acquaintance rape, but since the victim refuses to indulge in alcohol or drugs, the perp turns to intimidation and threats to obtain submission. No report, no charges.

 

perp, having gotten away with multiple rapes at this time, believes that he is unstoppable, uncatachable, whatnot. This time he rapes a stranger, at knifepoint. Maybe the next time, he decides to beat or kill his victim?

 

As cold as this may sound, it's not all about her, but the other potential victims out there, other peoples daughters, sisters, friends who need to be made aware of the evil within their midst.

[HokeyReligions]

As horrible as this is for her friend, it might be a good opportunity for the two of you to call and/or go see a rape counselor together and let them know that you are looking for some guidance on how to handle it with a friend. You both may learn some things that will help your daughter with her life choices and ease some confusion. If her friend doesn't want to change her own lifestyle it could impress or influence your daughters choices without her realizing it. Arm her with some information. Search out a few websites that deal with this and get some information. If you think it's right for your daughter you could look at the website together. Perhaps talk to the girls parents too and find out from them that you want to help and don't know how. Just the fact that you want to be there for her friend and her friends family and in a non-judemental way may be helpful.

[Becoming]

Thanks SoCat. That's a needed perspective. If this were my daughter, I sure as heaven wouldn't be on LS (no offense) but I'd be at the police station, rape crisis center, etc. Because even if it's date rape, it's rape. I think this girl thinks that if she's flirty that means she somewhat asked for it.

 

My daughter is like the mother of this group of friends, but she's not a party gal. She's looking into majoring in psychology in college because she has the gift of good jugment and compassion. So folks come to her. But she's only 17 and had enough good sense to recognize she's in over her head.

 

And you're right; this is like neglect. But if the parents don't know, they can't do anything. My daughter knows that if I know for sure who it is I'll call the parents, which is why she's not giving up the name. She's already acting like a psychologist with the whole confidentiality issue. And in the interest of keeping the lines of communication open, I've not been pushing it in order to get as much info as possible.

 

But I think I need her to see the bigger picture of when confidentiality can be broken--when someone is in imminent harm, and seeing the potential victims of this guy is a much-needed perspective. This is why I asked her how good a friend she is and if she's willing to lose the friendship in order to help her friend. I think we need to keep talking.

 

It doesn't help that I'm going out of town for the next two weeks and my daughter for the next three. Yikes!