Busted by the Wife

[veronese]

Hey Scarlett,

 

Well it was only a matter of time wasn't it, but I agree with you that it's happened sooner than expected.

 

But you knew the risks you were taking, knew what the repercussions could be, you were aware of the consequences from the outset but you chose to take this path.

 

Your MM told you from the start that he didn't want to end his marriage as he didn't want to break up his family and hurt his children. You knew that was the case.

 

You didn't want his wife to find out. Didn't want his kids to suffer the pains of divorcing parents. You apparently prepared yourself for everything Scarlett, everything except his wife finding out and kicking your ass!

 

I really do like you Scarlett, honestly, but you do behave like a twat sometimes.

 

You should have prepared yourself for this Scarlett, wives are kind of pretty high up on the list of things you're likely to have to deal with if you're humping their Hs so preparing yourself for everything but the wifes is a little stupid isn't it?

 

I know you're current situation is dire and you're going through a difficult time, but Scarlett, learn from it hun. You knew this could happen and now it has. Don't waste your time wondering how it happened or pretend it's come as a surprise. This is what regularly happens in situations like yours, now deal with it.

 

I know you're a kind woman Scarlett, I just hope your kindness and strength of character sustains you through the iminent drama you're going to encounter.

 

Don't forget either, how this affair began. It was a mutually agreed EMA between two people who wanted the fun without complications, thrills without committment. Like so many other affairs you quickly fell in love and got involved way more than either of you wanted.

 

Don't be surprised if those initial intentions resurface quite swiftly....your MM may not be happy with his W, but he was happy enough not to want to leave her when he first met you.

 

Take care, good luck and lots of love

 

veronese

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is, you don't know what his wife will be capable of. She may need answers, she may feel the need to make sure your life is ruined even more by telling your husband so you go through the same hell your MM will go through with her.

 

Be prepared...And don't be surprised if your H finds out.

 

Protect your child, if your H has a temper then make sure she has a place to go, a relative or a family friend's house .. Just incase...

 

She (your daughter) doesn't need to be exposed to any negative energy or hear any fighting that goes on around her. Even if you try to keep it quiet and away from her, she'll know that something is going on. Kids aren't stupid. Plus, once they get to a certain age, they snoop, listen in and want to know what goes on.

 

I also wouldn't focus on the future or hopes with ending up with your MM. Alot can change really fast, as you have just experienced.

[Guest]

Sorry, but this is nonsense.

 

There was no "venomous brain washing" from my mother. She spoke very little of what was going on with the separation and refused to denigrate him.

 

She didn't have to. The only thing that alienated my from my father was HIS BEHAVIOUR. The only thing that made me despise him was the fact that he behaves as though he cares nothing for my feelings. He has caused immense pain to me, and for what? So he could have what he wanted. There was no need for him to cause this pain. He didn't have to do it. If he and his mistress had an ounce of compassion and decency, they wouldn't have been having an affair.

 

CHEATING HURTS CHILDREN. CHEATING IS SELFISH.

 

There is no need to cheat. Any parent who is cheating is risking their children's emotional well-being in order to get what they want. This is unacceptable.

 

One of the worst things a parent can do is hurt the child's other parent. Most experts on divorce say exactly the same thing. That, for a child, to see/hear/experience one parent being made to suffer by the other, being denigrated by the other, causes intense suffering and potential emotional damage. A cheating parent is deliberately hurting the other parent unnecessarily, and thus causing pain to their children, on top of all the other lies and disrespect.

 

IF SOMEONE WANTS OUT OF THEIR MARRIAGE THEY SHOULD LEAVE, NOT DELIBERATELY RIP PEOPLE'S HEARTS OUT.

 

And, no, the MOTHER isn't "destroying the children". The FATHER is destroying the children by lying to them, disrespecting them, deliberately hurting them unnecessarily, etc. etc. ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

 

I'll say it again: THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANYONE TO CHEAT.

 

A CHEATER IS TREATING THOSE THEY SHOULD BE LOVING AND PROTECTING WITH LIES AND DISRESPECT.

 

A CHEATER IS DELIBERATELY HURTING THOSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND PROTECT.

 

And for what? SO THEY CHEATER CAN GET WHAT THEY WANT.

 

It is an incredibly selfish way to behave.

 

And you say that children shouldn't "disown" a parent "only" because they've cheated? This implies that you think that cheating is no big deal. Causing deliberate pain to those you're supposed to love and care for, for purely selfish reasons, is a HUGE deal.

 

What's the point of keeping a parent in your life when he behaves as though he doesn't love you? When he disrespects you and causes you deliberate pain, all so he can have what he wants? Parents are supposed to love and protect their children and when they choose not to, when they choose to cause pain unnecessarily for purely selfish reasons, what's the point of having that parent in your life?

 

When you've been lied to over and over, what's the point of talking to that parent? You KNOW because of their past behaviour that they'll lie to you again. You can't trust them. You can't believe a word they say because they've lied so many times. You can't trust them to care about your feelings, because they've chosen to deliberately cause you emotional agony in the past, unnecessarily, and for purely selfish reasons.

 

You know that the next time your feelings and well-being stand in the way of what that parent wants, they won't hesistate to stomp all over you again. You know because they've already done it once.

 

If they've hurt you once out of sheer selfishness, there's a real risk they'll do it again. And I've been hurt enough by this man. I don't want any more pain. Since he has chosen over and over to hurt me and cause pain, the only way to guarantee that he won't hurt me is to keep away.

 

The fact that his sperm fertilised the egg... well, if it had meant anything to him he wouldn't have chosen to hurt and hurt and hurt me in the first place. He would have cared enough to do what was right, rather than hurt me in order to get what he wanted. And if it means nothing to him, it means nothing to me.

 

I've never understood parental arrogance, this attitude of, "I can treat my children any way I want - even selfishly cause them deliberate emotional suffering - and still expect them to love and respect me". This is the attitude my father has, and your post gives the impression that it's your attitude too. Children are not emotionless beings who are merely there to be trampled on.

 

If a parent wants the love and respect of their children, they need to treat those children with love and respect. Full stop. That's all there is to it.

 

Thank You, so much for being a voice for those of us who have suffered becuase of our parents selfishness. I agree with you 100%. I have made countless mistakes and have suffered greatly becuase of a father who chose his many OW instead of my siblings and I. It took me countless years to come to recognize, that I was of any value to the world and to myself. I weep for the person I once was before.

 

I also think by learning from peoples mistakes and recieving priceless advice from these sites, that just maybe we can stop at least one or two people at a time into re-thinking the catostrophic damage you can and will cause an innocent person who had no say whatsoever into your decision to be with a MM or MW

[Guest]

Everyone gets caught eventually, if it goes on long enough.

 

I've been seeing my MM for over 5 years now and although she has suspected she hasn't caught us. As she doesn't drive and has no car it is less likely too - not impossible I agree. I live an hours drive away with no public transport links and her friends either don't drive or have no cars.

 

I'm not trying to say we are safe at all - I know we're not. It's just less likely so far.

 

He came through to do some work on my house for me last year - with her knowledge and "approval". She said that she knew that the two of us would "fall into bed given half a chance" and then gave us 4 weeks of chances.

 

I know that one day it is highly probably that she will find out though.

 

I'm not sure if I've expressed this well - it's difficult to tell you what he told me she said without feeling that I'm being judgemental about her approach to her marriage.

 

I'm also wondering if I shouldn't be posting this here in this thread but maybe should have opened a new post. I have watched the conversation here though and felt this was something that made me want to comment.

[scarletletter]

I appreciate everyone's opinions and such. I think I must quit posting here because things are working out for me and I am so tired of the negativity and opinions. I truly have valued the advice from many and have made so many new and wonderful, trusting friendships. I am not one looking for approval any longer (which was my very first post). I don't need approval any more. I don't need anything. I am very happy. My child is happy. I talked to my husband tonight, he was calm and agreed with me that we need to live separate lives....a HUGE step for us. I am madly in love with my MM...( soon to be divorced ) and we are planning our future together now. Many of you don't want to hear success stories, which is why I am quietly exiting this forum. For those who have been through hell with me and I through hell with them...I thank you for being there. For those who have, like me, moved on, I wish you all the luck in the world. Things are working out for me and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. If the wife tells my H now...who cares...we are moving on. My daughter is fine...she knows mom and dad love her no matter what. Life is good. Hugs to everyone.

[stillhere]

I've been seeing my MM for over 5 years now and although she has suspected she hasn't caught us. As she doesn't drive and has no car it is less likely too - not impossible I agree. I live an hours drive away with no public transport links and her friends either don't drive or have no cars.

 

I'm not trying to say we are safe at all - I know we're not. It's just less likely so far.

 

He came through to do some work on my house for me last year - with her knowledge and "approval". She said that she knew that the two of us would "fall into bed given half a chance" and then gave us 4 weeks of chances.

 

I know that one day it is highly probably that she will find out though.

 

I'm not sure if I've expressed this well - it's difficult to tell you what he told me she said without feeling that I'm being judgemental about her approach to her marriage.

 

I'm also wondering if I shouldn't be posting this here in this thread but maybe should have opened a new post. I have watched the conversation here though and felt this was something that made me want to comment.

 

It can happen at anytime, and you're right, you're not safe.

 

I've been with my MM for a year, today is our anniversary. We see each other almost every single day, talk every day at least 5 times, and "hook up" about 3-4 times a week.

 

We're getting very brave, and still no one has been able to catch on, but it's just a matter of time. We know that we will get caught eventually, apparently he's willing to take that risk, he knows the consequences of his actions. We both do.

 

Who's to say what will happen if she finds out. The only way we won't get caught, if i end it right now, and that's not about to happen.

[stillhere]

I appreciate everyone's opinions and such. I think I must quit posting here because things are working out for me and I am so tired of the negativity and opinions. I truly have valued the advice from many and have made so many new and wonderful, trusting friendships. I am not one looking for approval any longer (which was my very first post). I don't need approval any more. I don't need anything. I am very happy. My child is happy. I talked to my husband tonight, he was calm and agreed with me that we need to live separate lives....a HUGE step for us. I am madly in love with my MM...( soon to be divorced ) and we are planning our future together now. Many of you don't want to hear success stories, which is why I am quietly exiting this forum. For those who have been through hell with me and I through hell with them...I thank you for being there. For those who have, like me, moved on, I wish you all the luck in the world. Things are working out for me and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. If the wife tells my H now...who cares...we are moving on. My daughter is fine...she knows mom and dad love her no matter what. Life is good. Hugs to everyone.

 

Scarlett, the best of luck to you. You deserve to be happy. I'm glad you're H is willing to work together for the sake of your daughter and not make this D messy. I hope all goes well.

 

*HUGS*

[Guest]

I appreciate everyone's opinions and such. I think I must quit posting here because things are working out for me and I am so tired of the negativity and opinions. I truly have valued the advice from many and have made so many new and wonderful, trusting friendships. I am not one looking for approval any longer (which was my very first post). I don't need approval any more. I don't need anything. I am very happy. My child is happy. I talked to my husband tonight, he was calm and agreed with me that we need to live separate lives....a HUGE step for us. I am madly in love with my MM...( soon to be divorced ) and we are planning our future together now. Many of you don't want to hear success stories, which is why I am quietly exiting this forum. For those who have been through hell with me and I through hell with them...I thank you for being there. For those who have, like me, moved on, I wish you all the luck in the world. Things are working out for me and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. If the wife tells my H now...who cares...we are moving on. My daughter is fine...she knows mom and dad love her no matter what. Life is good. Hugs to everyone.

 

 

My goodness! I can't believe what I am reading. Do you really think your daughter will be o.k.? For your sake and her sanity, I really do hope so. Is she actually going to be happy living with another man that is not her father? I do understand your husband is abusive, but c'mon...do you actually need another man so soon? At least try living apart for a while. Better yet wait till your daughter turns 18, and then live happily ever after. Please put your daughter first!

[JamesM]

Please, please for the sake of the rest of us here....give us an update in the future.

 

If all goes well in six months, let us know.

 

If it didn't, feel free to share.

 

I am sorry that so many let there personal feelings be known. We all know that cheating is wrong. We all come here expecting some advice in a fair yet constructive manner. None of us want to hear negative judgments, so none of us should give negative judgments.

[RecordProducer]

I appreciate everyone's opinions and such. I think I must quit posting here because things are working out for me and I am so tired of the negativity and opinions. I truly have valued the advice from many and have made so many new and wonderful, trusting friendships. I am not one looking for approval any longer (which was my very first post). I don't need approval any more. I don't need anything. I am very happy. My child is happy. I talked to my husband tonight, he was calm and agreed with me that we need to live separate lives....a HUGE step for us. I am madly in love with my MM...( soon to be divorced ) and we are planning our future together now. Many of you don't want to hear success stories, which is why I am quietly exiting this forum. For those who have been through hell with me and I through hell with them...I thank you for being there. For those who have, like me, moved on, I wish you all the luck in the world. Things are working out for me and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. If the wife tells my H now...who cares...we are moving on. My daughter is fine...she knows mom and dad love her no matter what. Life is good. Hugs to everyone.

Scarlet, I am very happy for you.

Make sure your husband doesn't find out about your affair and become violent.

 

Your daughter will go through a stressful period of time, it's inevitable, try to give her a lot of comfort, affection, and attention. Also if she hangs out with your MM, she might tell her dad. Until you're officially divorce - no men in your daughter's life!

 

And finally, keep a little realistic fear that your MM might NOT divorce his wife. I don't want to ruin your happiness. On the contrary, I don't want you to be disappointed. I hope he divorces her and stays with you forever. Good luck, love birds!

[scarletletter]

My goodness! I can't believe what I am reading. Do you really think your daughter will be o.k.? For your sake and her sanity, I really do hope so. Is she actually going to be happy living with another man that is not her father? I do understand your husband is abusive, but c'mon...do you actually need another man so soon? At least try living apart for a while. Better yet wait till your daughter turns 18, and then live happily ever after. Please put your daughter first!

 

 

FYI...Yes, my daughter will be okay. I know this...not a perfect situation but she will be okay. I never said I was going to move in with MM or anything of the kind. We are moving very slowly and no one is going to live together without being married and neither of us are going to be ready for that for a long, long time. Do I live in a fantasyland? Yes, I do...and it is a fabulous place to be where everyone is happy. I highly recommend it!

 

I will come back and post to update you on my situation. As always, I am hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst. Cheers to everyone!

[Sami_D]

I just wanted to wish you and yours the very best of luck Scarlet.

 

I know you and your MM will handle whatever happens in the future with the same maturity and concern for your children as you have always shown in dealing with the A. At least most of it is out in the open now, and you can all (including both BSs) proceed with your own lives without (too many) further lies.

 

I'm sorry to see you go from the forum, but I'm not at all surprised. Some thread titles just invite random, not-terribly-constructive comment, and unfortunately yours was one of them.

 

Take care! *waves*

[Blind Illusion]

Best of luck with everything, Scarlet. I'm sure your daughter will be fine , especially with the adjustment period you describe.

 

I'm sorry to see you go also, because posts describing all facets of affairs, (even when they aren't affairs any longer but the start of a new chapter in life) would be a great balance to this type of forum. Unfortunately, I agree with you about the negativity and what people seem to want to hear. You would think it would be more interesting to read various outcomes of these type of situations but sadly, that does not seem to be the case.

 

There is a "cookie cutter" mood to many of the posts here and perhaps that is what some can only identify with. That is the one where the cheating woman tosses the MM to the curb and realizes the error of her ways. The variation to that is the MM ends things and naysayers can point out how the affair was never going to work out anyhow & what did one expect, anyhow?

 

Yes, those things happen in life and I am certainly not trying to detract from those people's situations. (especially, since I can see myself in both of those situations) However, there are sometimes other angles & other outcomes. I laugh to myself , sometimes when I read responses to these other outlooks and wonder, to myself, if the person responding actually read what was said or do they have an "all purpose" "cheating is bad" reply that they use across the board.

 

I'm digressing, though, so I'll just conclude with sending you my best wishes for your future.

[silktricks]

My goodness! I can't believe what I am reading. Do you really think your daughter will be o.k.? For your sake and her sanity, I really do hope so. Is she actually going to be happy living with another man that is not her father? I do understand your husband is abusive, but c'mon...do you actually need another man so soon? At least try living apart for a while. Better yet wait till your daughter turns 18, and then live happily ever after. Please put your daughter first!

 

Oh please, do you sincerely believe that a daughter will not be fine if her parents are OK?

 

Anyway, Scarlet, I wish you well, and happiness in your future.