Busted by the Wife

[Blind Illusion]

Wow Scarlett, I cannot say I am envious of this discovery that you had to endure. It must have been a terrible scene. I feel for you.

[incognito]

I can understand it, he was in "limbo." Now, the direction is chosen, the decision is made.

 

 

Why does it seem like they prefer the BS to make the decision Like if she ups and leaves then that's ok they'll deal...but if she stays and wants to work things out then that's ok and he'll do that too.

[GreenEyedLady]

I have young children and they went through my D with me. We have all survived. Your MM kids are older and even young children know when something is not right between their parents. Children are extremely resilient. They will be hurt, but they will still love their dad. I would suggest he contact a counselor to see how to age-appropriately discuss the situation with them.

 

Further more, I see so many comments about how the H never leaves and would rather stay in a loveless M than get a D, but if that's the case, why in world is the Divorce Rate over 50%?!

[GreenEyedLady]

Incognito-I think that they prefer to leave it up to the BS because they don't want to look like the bad guy. It's a kind of damage control.

[Guestdd]

Of course she would say that to a mutual contact. LOVE CHANGES IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP! It does not stay them same with goosebumps and butterflies forever. The problem is that he doesn't even want to work on it.

If you feel bad, imagine HOW SHE FEELS! OBVIOUSLY TORN APART. She cared enough to find out and follow you guys and get ANGRY so she obviously loves him and feel betrayed.

[Guest]

Yes, but 70% or so are filed by the WOMAN in the marriage.

[serial muse]

I have young children and they went through my D with me. We have all survived. Your MM kids are older and even young children know when something is not right between their parents. Children are extremely resilient. They will be hurt, but they will still love their dad. I would suggest he contact a counselor to see how to age-appropriately discuss the situation with them.

 

Further more, I see so many comments about how the H never leaves and would rather stay in a loveless M than get a D, but if that's the case, why in world is the Divorce Rate over 50%?!

 

This is the funny part...you'll note, elsewhere around these boards, that people sometimes raise that statistic about how so many more women do the divorcing. I have no idea whether that factoid is true, or whether it's a bizarre misperception.

 

But if there is any truth to it, then this kind of situation right here:

 

Incognito-I think that they prefer to leave it up to the BS because they don't want to look like the bad guy. It's a kind of damage control.

 

- probably has something to do with it, because it happens all the time. Sigh. Yes, y'all this is what I'm saying. Wishy-washy.

 

but what man wants to support someone that he cannot stand? I know it is a pitiful excuse but we were just biding our time and being ridiculously stupid.

 

scarlet, I don't understand this. I mean, hasn't he been supporting them anyway, with no apparent end in sight - until she "busted" him, that is? It's roundabout and makes no sense. The only way in which it makes sense is he was afraid of confrontation and is plain old relieved to think that now he doesn't have to make any decisions about anything. Oldest trick in the book (but a rather unattractive personality trait).

 

But what if she doesn't file after all? That will be interesting. I wonder what he'll do then.

[GreenEyedLady]

SM-I was just pointing out the divorce rate period. Not who actually files first. In my case, I told my ExH I was going to file as soon as I had the $$ for the retainer (I had just went back to work) and he filed first to one-up me.

 

I just noticed that so many people post that spouses never leave and that just can't be true or the D rate wouldn't be so high. Anyways, sorry for the side-bar.

[serial muse]

No, s'okay, the who-files thing was actually my sidebar. The part that's relevant to the situation at hand, however, is the idea that sure, people leave marriages after affairs...but it's quite often the BS, not the WS, who files. Your case notwithstanding, I think that quite often, the WS gets it into his/her head that filing for divorce would somehow be adding insult to injury after an affair - but that's just justification. Manipulating the BS into doing something the WS has planned for ages but hasn't had the guts to do, but which the BS would be doing out of reactive anger and hurt, is far more insulting. It's just my opinion, I know, but I think that if the WS wants out, they should try to man (or woman) up and do it themselves.

[serial muse]

I realize this is tangential to scarlet's current situation - sorry for the OT digression, scarlet.

[GreenEyedLady]

Just so you know, I was not the WS. Just wanted to make that clear.

[serial muse]

Whoops, my bad. Sorry about that, GELady.

 

/hijack

[GreenEyedLady]

No worries! I am many things, but that just wasn't one of them! Ha, ha ha!

[Mascara]

Hmmm a few things here. First of all, my MM left his W for me, and we now live together and have done so for a number of years, so that is the perspective I am coming from here.

 

OK, in my situation, the MM was NOT lying. His marriage really was dead, his W really was evil, the kids really were aware of all this. He really was one of those who cheated only when the marriage became unbearable, he was clinically depressed and he really was looking for a way out. They really were sleeping apart, her in the main house, him in a little annexe they have. I only found out the truth of all these things after they had finally split and we were together openly.

 

So Scarlet, what it really comes down to is how truthful your MM has been with you. You mentioned about the kids now not being able to be part of your life. It really depends. My MM's kids love me, even though they are fully aware of how and when we met. One of them lives with us. They cannot stand being around their mother because she really is as evil as MM said she is, and they were RELIEVED their dad found someone to love him. Sometimes kids really do not want their parents to stay together.

 

With us, the proverbial did not hit the fan much. She screamed for about a day, then said "fine, whatever". Heck, she even sends us Christmas cards and buys my own son a gift. (Still an evil old witch though).

 

I can't think of anything else, except to say if he was being truthful you have no need to worry. If he was being slightly economical with the truth then yes..... things may not be easy.

[whichwayisup]

I just noticed that so many people post that spouses never leave and that just can't be true or the D rate wouldn't be so high.

 

But not all marriages end because of cheating and infidelity.

[movinon05]

Scarlett, I do hope things work out for you whichever way it goes. But you might want to look up my story and see what I went through. Not to spoil things, but just to be aware of the many pitfalls.

[serial muse]

Yes, but 70% or so are filed by the WOMAN in the marriage.

 

tee hee, this kind of comment is exactly what I was referring to earlier (oddly, since it's a "guest" comment, it didn't show up until after my post) - anyway, here it is, that random statistic about how more women file than men. yawn.

 

so, in response to it...what I said before.

[Last Mohegan]

Maybe the BS isn't being manipulated into filing for D...it's highly likely she's empowering herself and choosing not to put up with it anymore. I think saying the BS would be doing it out of reactive anger and hurt is underestimating the BS. I am an OW so this is my stab at defending the BS...

 

The statement below smacks of BS=victim and WS=villain... it has to be that sometimes the BS has simply had enough. The affair cannot be the ONLY issue in the marriage...in fact, the affair is probably only a tiny little symptom...kind of like the tic you find right before you realize lyme disease has ravaged the body.

 

Manipulating the BS into doing something the WS has planned for ages but hasn't had the guts to do, but which the BS would be doing out of reactive anger and hurt, is far more insulting. It's just my opinion, I know, but I think that if the WS wants out, they should try to man (or woman) up and do it themselves.

[serial muse]

Maybe the BS isn't being manipulated into filing for D...it's highly likely she's empowering herself and choosing not to put up with it anymore. I think saying the BS would be doing it out of reactive anger and hurt is underestimating the BS. I am an OW so this is my stab at defending the BS...

 

The statement below smacks of BS=victim and WS=villain... it has to be that sometimes the BS has simply had enough. The affair cannot be the ONLY issue in the marriage...in fact, the affair is probably only a tiny little symptom...kind of like the tic you find right before you realize lyme disease has ravaged the body.

 

Oh, bah. I am a former BS. I am hardly saying that the affair is the only problem in the marriage. If you search through my posts you'll see that it was a long time before I actually brought myself to blame anybody but me for the affair. And my exH felt the exact same way, as he liked to tell me. He loooooved playing the victim, and he was the WS. But you know, I think that's also typical.

 

Eh, let's face it. Who on these boards - and in RL - hasn't tried to play the victim?

 

However. It's disingenuous to say that the WS (particularly in the case here, where he actually said he was relieved not to have to make a decision)doesn't still want somebody else - whether the OW (OM) or BS - to do the dirty work for him/her. Seriously, it happens all the time. I think, quite often, if you're willing to sit the fence in the way you have to for an affair, you may have a bit of trouble making decisions - because making a decision means making someone unhappy, and lots of WS LOATHE being the "bad guy". Pathologically so.

 

That's not to say the BS can't file out of strength and a sense of what's right for him/her. And ultimately, that's exactly what I did. But I also know my exH was trying very hard to get me to do it, because he sure didn't want to - he thought his family, and I, would see him as the "bad guy" for filing. (the affair bit notwithstanding)

 

Heh. He had a bit of a problem with compartmentalization (like the time he told me - about 2 weeks after I found out about his affair - how scandalous it was that his cousin's wife had been cheating on him for a year. I was like, um, hello? Are you insane?!?).

 

At any rate, as I said, I filed anyway, eventually. Because I knew at last that I didn't want to stay with him. So I did it. But that doesn't mean it isn't irritating to go back and recognize, after the fact, the various things he did to try to get me to do it for him (before and after I found out the truth, I might add). It's frustrating because, you see, he already knew it's what he wanted, months before I had any clue or would have even considered such a thing. And yet he did nothing about it except start avoiding me and acting cold in the hopes I'd just decide to leave or something. Of course, I spent that time bending over backwards to try to understand what was wrong and be loving to him. Which must have driven him wild.

 

This is not paranoia; later, he actually admitted as much. It's just weak.

 

Edited to add: it's actually the recognition of that same weakness of character that set me free, in the end. It's hard to love someone who doesn't know who he is, and would rather let everyone else fight his battles for him. I didn't know that about him before.

[movinon05]

serialmuse, you make a lot of good points. My exMM's W "supposedly" started legal proceedings but they never actualized. He never did anything to start the process. She kicked him out, or he left, she called me each time he left and told me "I'd won the grand prize" and then she constantly called him to come back. So I never really knew the whole truth, just what he told me. He didn't have it in him to go the distance and lived between two worlds of denial.

[Last Mohegan]

I honestly didn't mean to imply you were saying it was the only problem...sorry if I miscommunicated. I was only trying to say that sometimes, as apparently in your case too, its the WS's strength that ends the marriage in spite of the lack of character and strength of the BS. My intent was to give credit to the BS not tear down.

 

Oh, bah. I am a former BS. I am hardly saying that the affair is the only problem in the marriage.

[serial muse]

I honestly didn't mean to imply you were saying it was the only problem...sorry if I miscommunicated. I was only trying to say that sometimes, as apparently in your case too, its the WS's strength that ends the marriage in spite of the lack of character and strength of the BS. My intent was to give credit to the BS not tear down.

 

hee, I think you meant that the other way around (BS <--> WS). But thank you for the sentiment. And no worries - there was no offense taken.

[Brittanyjean06]

Don't you think its a little more horrific from the wifes point of view? If these men can do it to their wifes they most likely can do it to you.

[scarletletter]

Do you have children? Please consider what the children will be going through. Enduring a loveless marriage is probably a better choice for him, rather than leaving his children with an emotional scar for life. If you say his children are everything to him, be prepared for him to try to work it out with his wife for the sake of his childrens well being. When he sees how this will affect them I can almost guarantee you he will have a sudden change of heart. Be strong and prepare yourself for the worst. I know there is someone out there who deserves you more.

 

Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say. Yes, I have a daughter that is everything to me. The reason he has stayed in his marriage this long is because of his boys. Unfortunately, he doesn't have much say in this. The wife has already been to the lawyer and is proceeding. He is just waiting for the papers and hoping that his relationship with his kids is going to stay the same.

[scarletletter]

Scarlet,

 

I, as well as many others here, have gone through what you are going through right now.

 

My MM, too, was "looking for a way out," and when given the opportunity, chose to stay in his marriage. As you may remember, I was devastated but honored his wishes and gracefully exited the relationship.

 

As a side note, HE has not, however, let me go. He still attempts at contacting me and telling me how much he adores me and that what we had was true love. Rubbish. True love would have survived.

 

And, in time, you will see if what you have is true love.

 

Looking back, I can remember that her discovery of me and the subsequent decisions that were made proved to be an incredibly hard time for me, but I made it through.

 

I am telling you this to let you know that ANYTHING can happen at this point. Emotions and decisions can change in a matter of minutes. The roller coaster ride now will be incredible for you.

 

Prepare for it. I know you are strong, and I know you will make it through this. No matter what the outcome is, I know you will make it through.

 

Prepare for the worst. Arm yourself with your strength. You are going to need it.

 

I am so sorry again.

 

I am sorry for you, his wife and his children.

 

You, and all of them, are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

I am sure this is going to be a long night for all of you.

 

WA

 

Thank you so much, my friend. I respect and admire your strength and advice. This is very hard to swallow.. I always said I knew it would happen, but I didn't expect it so soon. Sami D gave me a site where all of you are gathering now...I might pop in there later.