Keep Her or Leave Her?

[tblunt]

I'm 20 and involved myself in various short term relationships before I met my current girlfriend over a year ago. She was less experienced at the time, and is a year younger than me. We have been either dating or in a relationship together since the night we met. Everything was perfect for the first 6 months. We both fell in love, we had zero arguments, zero complaints, and were just happy to be with each other. The only consistent reason we'd get depressed in the relationship was because we weren't able to see one another sometimes when we wanted to. We lived apart during the summer, but were still able to see each other every weekend. Then, when she moved back near me in the fall, things changed. She wanted to spend more time with her friends and less with me. We both have busier schedules than before summer, so that leaves even less time for us to be together on top of that. This lead to our first major argument, in which I semi-broke up with her. But, it only lasted a week, and we were back together again. I realized I had been selfish, and decided to give her more time with her friends and demand less from her. However, one week later she broke up with me. My girlfriend is a girl who is strongly against PDA's; she barely wants to hold hands in public or even be close to me when around friends. We were at a party, and I saw another guy that she had just met affectionately place and keep his arm around her on several occasions during the night, as if he figured he was going to hook up. All the while I was at an opposite end of the room with my friends, and witnessed her complete lack of acknowledgment that he was doing this. I became slightly irritated, and told him to stop touching my girlfriend, since it was obvious she wasn't going to. I was wrong to approach him and not her about it, but she was wrong to allow something she always considers embarrassing with me to go on with someone else. We both realized this, and the break up didn't last a day. We also agreed that our relationship can't be as serious as I wanted it to be, because she told me she isn't ready for that. After this incident, I gave her more space, barely called her anymore, and let her call me, which is what she wanted. My wants were that she at least call me when she said she was going to, still try to make some time for me (we saw each other less and less), and not change plans we had made without telling me first (these were all recurring but minor problems). So, basically I told her to be more considerate of my feelings, because she was not making me feel the best by pulling this ##### day after day. She said she would try to be more considerate. But, three months and many arguments later, she still acts exactly the same way. This is what lead to our recent break. What I'm wondering is, should I stay with this girl that I love very much, and who loves me as much in return? A girl that needs to mature, but one that will only gradually change? There's no telling how long it's going to take, but should I just relax and let her do as she will until she decides to change? What I really want to know is if you feel it's worth it to wait around for a girl like this to want a more serious relationship, when I already want that? I can wait and of course the decision is mine, but how long is too long? Also, how should I change my outlook on the relationship in order to deal with her behaviour that irritated me before?

 

More Perspective:

 

My girlfriend tells me that she solely desires me and that she can't even think of other guys. She's almost overly kind and doesn't knowingly (at least I think) disrespect me. The mistake she made with that guy at the party was a drunken one and the only incident of its kind that bothered me. He probably thought he was getting lucky, but she's not at all that type of girl. I trust her completely as she does me, and I have no reason to think she is waiting for someone else. She just feels that she isn't ready for a serious relationship because she's in college, and school is her number one priority, which it should be. Also, she is extremely busy with homework and work, and wants more time with her friends that she didn't have when we first were together. Now, these are all things that I can completely understand, but I believe that she has to learn consideration for my feelings and I'm not sure how she's going to accomplish this. We are on a small break right now, but are remaining friends. I don't know what will come of this, but I told her we have to make compromises. If she refuses or can't do that much for our relationship, then I will most likely break up with her or at least date other women.

 

If I have any more questions I'll be sure to post them. I know you can't wait. Thanks for reading my sob story.

[Tony T]

Waiting for somebody who isn't ready for a relationship is very dangerous emotionally.

 

The reason: When she finds the RIGHT person, she will be ready for a relationship.

 

If you were the right person, she wouldn't be giving you a lot of excuses. And she wouldn't make herself available to other men for flirting and other purposes, even in the same room with you!?!?!?!?!?!

 

Your priorities are different, your timing is off, and you should move on with your life. If the two of you are meant to be together, that will happen in the future.

 

What I fear the most for you is that one day she will announce that she has met someone else who she feels she must date to see where it will go. Right now she's giving you a lot of crap about not imagining herself with anybody else because she wants to keep you in reserve in case nothing better comes along. The reality is that if you were the one for her, she would go forward.

 

Nowadays, large numbers women her age will keep a guy on a string whatever way they can until somebody comes along who really rings their chimes. Don't get sucked in on this...and don't take my word for it. Just ask around a little. This is so common.

 

She has disrespected you at parties and other places, flirted with other guys in front of you, and done all kinds of stuff to clearly show you she is on the prowl. What will it take to get you to WAKE UP!!! Alcohol is no excuse for her behavior, either, and don't accept it.

 

I tell you all this not to hurt you or discourage you but because I have seen it happen...just like this...many times.

 

P.S. You know I've gotta be giving you the straight stuff because I seldom if ever read posts as long as yours without paragraphs. They give me headaches. Who taught you English grammar and construction?