What the heck is going on here?

[robart22]

I have posted some time ago and could really use some advice. For abrief recapp: My wife and I have been married for over 3 years. We were married in Las Vegas just shortly after beginning dating. Fast forward, she moved out of our apartment over 3 months ago. The reason, she states, for leaving was because I was angry and verbally abusive. Over the years, her family has been presuring us to move to the state in which they live. About 1500 miles from our life and work. In the recent months before our break, her mother was really putting on the pressure and my wife began caving in. Her mother later told me that she had begun influencing her to leave me because of the anger.

 

A bit of her history: She has quite a problem with alcohol and is a potential drug addict. Her family and siblings are very heavy into alcohol and drugs. She had been to NA when she was 17, but refuses to admit she has a problem with alcohol. Her family is yet to admit their alcoholism is a problem either. Her mother and aunt also suffer from Bielema. My wife too was suffering from this when we began dating. When we first met, we were in the same frame of mind. I too was hitting alcohol and drugs hard. We were the perfect self-destructing couple. This was all new to me. My family has never had a problem with any of these things. However, my family did have anger issues.

 

As time went on in our relationship, I pulled further and further away from the coping qualities of these addictions. I found peace again in exercise and the outdoors. I began, without knowing, trying to change her. I confronted her about drinking and drugs and bielema. I was wanting to start our life together and buy a home and have children. About a year ago, when we went to get a loan for a house, I discovered her credit was an absolute mess. She had never paid her bills and had collections all over. I pulled it all together and began helping her by calling all of the credit companies and working out payment plans. Some of the negative debt was because her parents took out loans for her and never payed them either. I helped her with making these payments and trying to turn it all around. Long story short, I became very angry and distant with her. I truly began giving up on our relationship and was not shy about it. I have never been unfaithful to her, but was hurtful with my words. I had just given up. She also told me that she has been involved with drugs again and went through a beliema session for 3 weeks after our break.

 

Since she left at the end on April we have had some contact. She would make me feel very confused. When we talked on the phone she would keep it very short and always prefaced the call with "I only have a few minutes to talk." If I would ask her for more time, she would say I am being controlling and not respecting her. This behavior carried on to when we would actually she each other. She always made plans after before she would see me. And our time together was always limited. We had met for Marriage counseling for 4 sessions. The counseling ended abruptly, her call. She blew it off to go to the bar and watch a basketball game. We never made it back after that. She would always use the statement "I can see light at the end of the tunnel." and I would hold on to this tightly. Feeling like there is a chance.

 

Just over the 4th of July weekend, we spent 4 days and nights together. It was out of the blue for me. It was awesome, almost like nothing was ever wrong. The "almost" is because she often brought up problems we had in our relationship. We made love and made promises to work on us. Shortly after this 4 day thrill ride, she went back to keeping the time and contact very short and distant. She would quickly come up with reasons not to, if I asked her too come over and stay the night. We had a discussion about this and I got mad. I was careful not to say anything hurtful and to use "I" statements, but I did raise my voice. She hung up on me, as usual. She texted me saying she was not coming over and did not want to talk to me. This really was the final straw for me. I called her back and left a voice mail that I did not want to do this anymore. I told her I wanted out. I had even called her mother and told her I can not emotionially do this anymore and i wanted to divorce. Her father returned with a call to tell me that she will not be signing any papers for "a undefined" period of time. He said we needed a "cooling off period."

 

Since this conversation, 3 weeks ago, there has been no contact. She has now moved back to her home state and changed her number and e-mail address. She left me a letter before she left thanking me for teaching her so much and telling me that she loves me with all her heart. She ended with "I still see light at the end of the tunnel, it's just very far away at the moment." And "We need time to heal and fin ourselves." This is just all so confusing to me. I know I love her very much and I wanted to share my life with her. I sometimes believe I was in love with the fantasy of what I believed we could be together.

 

I am just so confused. I feel like I want out, but am still holding on to the "light". I have even heard from a friend that she is "involved" with another guy(s). I has been so strange to have a marriage and it be like this. Should I file for a divorce and put this behind us? or do I keep trying?

 

If you may have any advice, I am open to hearing it.

[Gunny376]

Probally not what you're goint to want to hear.

 

Essentially its over. Its was over yesterday, and it was over today ~ and it might be over tomorrow ~ too early to tell.

 

Essentially the two of you are "rubber-banding" that is she pulls away ~ far away, physically, mentally, emotionally and then come back together again. That's defiantely part of it.

 

The other part of it ~ is that you and your new found soberity are threatening her relationship with the other true great love of her life ~ drugs and alcohol. You've got some stiff competition there ~ depending upon what kind of drugs it is. If its crack or Crystal Meth ~ you've not got a snowball's chance in Hell, especially if its meth.

 

Really the only thing you can do is go strict NC. Follow the list Lady Jane Posted about NC, and follow it (take a Fool's advice ~ everything it said do ~ I didn't. Evrerything it said not to do ~ I did. I'm divorced)

 

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (Hey! The man's got some good horse sense!) and he was talking to a wife that was overly jealous of her husband to the point of being obessessive-complusive about snooping on him.

 

He asked her, "What would you do if he left you for another woman right here and now?" Initially she responded that she would be hurt, feel betrayed, and would argue with him, to which DrP said, "You won't be arguing with him, he's gone!"

 

He went on to point out that your brain isn't going to ozze out of your ear, the world's not going to quit turning, its not going to stop, the sun isn't going to stop rising and setting. Life goes on ~ and your life will go on. This isn't something that is life threatening ~ it is surviorable. It is something from which you can recover and will recover.

 

Personally, despite what the wife and FIL have said ~ I would file. Why? Because this relationship sounds toxic, and jepodizes your own recovery. You've got to get yourself as close to 100% before you can be in a relatiobnship. She's not and can't fully be invested untili she makes the decision to show up and particapate 100%. You can't do that when your stoned or drunk out of your mind. Simply because you're not 100% there anymore.

 

She's moved 1500 miles away? How much more of a wake up call, and a Dear John Letter do you need?

 

Read this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

and

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/

 

Best of luck!