How can you make up for hurting someone?

[sirjay]

Advice needed, please!

 

I hurt my ex. We still love each other but there is all this hurt and negative feeling in the way. She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't like fighting or arguments. She says she wants to be friends. We are nice to each other but then there is this undercurrent of anger and she does things to hurt me. It's like there are two people there, one who is really kind and supportive and one who is really bitchy who wants to cause me pain.

 

What can I do to make up with her? Should I let her hurt me and take it on the chin and not hurt her back? Should I try to just be there for her, get her nice things etc? Should I just act like nothing happened, as she is, and let her make her own mind up?

[Poboy]

if she is hurt and hurting you as revenge tactics , she will continue to do so.

it all depends on her nature whether she can forgive you and stop hurting you , do you think she will do that in the future ( over time , things do become ok but since you are in contact with her , i doubt that ) ... if not , then its no point being friends with someone who hurts you ... not worth it

[sirjay]

I don't know. The problem is, she won't let us talk about it all. If I try to discuss it, she just ignores it. I can't work out whether she is back in touch because she wants us to have positive time together, or if she just wants to get into me to hurt me. It's the former but then she is angry and bitter so sometimes she cant seem to help having a go at me. we've only just got in touch after a few months and met a couple of time so its early days...

 

She is being really kind and sweet but then she got me to get her guest list for this festival, saying we could hang out, and then went off with her friends after 10 mins which I thought was rude of her.

 

then later, she deliberately got some guy's number in front of me and i took it badly. She won't admit she did it to hurt me - it was just a work contact. she knew i was drunk and wound up at the time, she claims she thought the best thing to do was completely ignore me rather than just explain the situation and introduce us which would have been fine.

 

so we had a fight about it. we discussed it and i took all of the responsibility and she didnt offer any forgiveness. then after that she was really kind and supportive about something else. i told her we need to communicate better if it's going to work, and that she needs to forgive me at some point, but she just ignored those messages.

 

I really don't know how to deal with it or what she really wants.

[sirjay]

...

 

My instinct is just to be really nice and keeping doing kindnesses no matter what she does ... but then she tries to resist that at times. She moved house the other day and I had to go round there to collect something of mine. I started to help her move her things and she found an excuse to stop me.

 

If I am just kind and give unconditionally... is that being weak? Would it be seen as being weak? I want to give to her because i care about her but i dont want to become a doormat.

[Ukwizard]

Sounds like my ex too - sirjay. My ex couldn`t discuss problems. Didnt like confrontation, not that I ever confronted her about anything. Hid her feelings. Never told me when she was unhappy. It got too much for her in the end, and she left. She left me for another man, or 3 should I say. She has dated 6 men, and I was number 3. I was extremely patient, and tolerant with her. She just wouldnt give any input for me about our problems. I found out that she said to a friend of hers that she is happy.(talking about her current man) She said also when I dated her, and that she was `very happy`. I m sure like everything else, or when time goes by, she will fin problems with the new guy.

 

Some people choose to ignore problems hoping they will go away whilel the opposite occurs. Since they are running away from the problem itself, its never really resolved, and the original problem resurfaces its nasty head again.

 

This may sound all one way, but it could also do with how you handle problems. It could be that maybe you are also the instigator, by trying to resolve the problem, and bring up the problem in an appriopriate time or place.

 

Maybe one thing you can do is give it a lot of time. People change over time. Bring up whats bothering you when she is in a good mood or, where there is a place where she can`t walk away from the problem. Say you can speak to her in the car for example. The best thing is if you bring it up, and she doesnt want to talk then just leave it for another time. You can`t force people to talk if they do`t want to.

[superconductor]

Actually, sirjay, you're kind of lucky in a way.

 

If she doesn't want to bring it up, or falls back on the broken record of "no, nothing's wrong," then believe her.

 

If she says there's nothing wrong, then there's nothing wrong. If she says that she doesn't want to discuss it, then don't discuss it.

 

Some things are better left bypassed. Just let it go, my friend, let it go.

[sirjay]

thanks guys.

 

there really IS something wrong but she won't get it out in a positive way and instead does sneaky things to get at me while we are supposed to be being friendly. we talk in a friendly way but she ignores half of what i say - i was avoiding talking about anything heavy or relationship orientated before, and she was still doing that for some reason.

 

passive aggressive, basically.

 

i guess all i can do is wait but there is no way we can have any positive interaction like this - i can feel it hanging in the air all the time and it makes me feel like she is just looking for opportunities to try to hurt me.

 

she has currently gone from contacting me a couple of times a day - before we fought at the weekend - to not contacting me at all again. i am just waiting but i dont know if she is expecting me to get in touch with her or she just wants some space.

 

its like she wants me to be nice, and interested in her, so she can reject me. or part of her wants to be nice and part of her wants to hurt. i think she feels she has a right to be hot and cold and nasty when she wants but thats not basis for making up with each other.

 

i hate this not talking. its really immature and not a good way to deal with things. if she thinks i am such a bad person, why get back in touch? its partly because i know she saw me having a great time without her - the usual psychology...

[Ukwizard]

If she doesn't want to bring it up, or falls back on the broken record of "no, nothing's wrong," then believe her.

Well Superconductor, that`s what I did with my ex-girlfriend, but you have to remember that sirjay`s girlfriend is not communicating. You therefore CAN`T afford to believe her. I would be sceptical.

 

For example, my ex was signed off work for around 10 weeks. She never told me at first until she was at least in her first week she was off sick with depression.

 

I used to go over to her place, and at night she used to get very tired, and fall asleep on my lap. I used to ask if she was alright, and she simply smiled, and nodded, and said `I m fine`.

 

Total denial! When we split up which was around 3 months later after she got signed off work, she always brought that up, saying we didnt click! (implying that I never understood how she felt. Well how could I if the woman I love hid her feelings from me).Huh, and this was from the woman that could not express her feelings, or how she felt so I couldn`t fix things. Remember what I say, and that when someone says they`re okay, it doesnt necessary mean they actually are.

 

Some things are better left bypassed. Just let it go, my friend, let it go.

Easier said than done. This is what my dad used to do. He used to let problems by-pass him, but my mum would bring the problems up over, and over again. Why?

 

Well they never got resolved. This could be part of the problem with sirjay, and his woman. They`re not talking over things, so the problem is always hanging around.

[sirjay]

Yeah, ukwizard is about right, i think.

 

we've been broken up for 4-5 months, we fought a lot after, she wanted to be "friends" but then was being really erratic and in the end, i started NC. then she got back in touch after 5 weeks and a while after that, wanted to start hanging out again, largely because she saw i was being really positive and having a great time, via the newsletter that goes out from my website (mentions of other girls might have had a part in that, although there was nothing going on with them).

 

that was only a week or 2 back. at first, she was chasing me and i was being cool. then she got an opportunity to provoke me by overtly getting this guy's number in front of me at the weekend, i reacted badly and we fought. at one point, she put her hand in my face and said "don't you dare..." but then she literally ran off. i know that the sentence was going to be words to the effect of "don't you dare get in the way of me talking to other guys when you hurt me by not moving out of your ex's place etc etc"

 

 

she won't admit she is having a go at me, blames it entirely on me which is negative because there is no way that one person can have a fight on their own, and when i sent messages saying we needed to get things out in the open etc, she completely ignored them.

 

after we fought, i said it was better we didn't get back in touch, but she wanted to "sort it out", and called me to do so. i took all of the responsibility for the sake of squashing things, she offered no forgiveness but was really friendly and supportive with some work issues right after.

 

i helped her move her stuff the other day and we had some jokes and were friendly but she seemed eager to get me to leave and we said bye and there was no mention of future plans. she had previously said that she wanted me to be available in august so we could hang out a lot, go to the park together etc but when i told her i had a new flat arranged and would be around, she acted pretty much uninterested. on the other hand, she did ask a lot of questions about who i was going to meet later and what i would be doing on a trip to another city later in the week.

 

its really frustrating because its really clear to me that we really love each other big time and keep getting drawn back to each other but every time we interact, we end up fighting and i cant see a way past it unless we talk things through and she starts to get this hurt out. i would be happier if she just lost it and started smacking me in the face and stuff and saying what she is actually thinking.

 

i don't know whether i should just let her do the hurtful stuff and ignore it but she is clearly doing it for a reaction but then doesn't like what the reaction is. i'm very emotional and its hard for me not to react... and if i didnt react i think it would annoy her more. i cant win, i feel!

 

now i haven't heard from her in a few days and don't know whether i should contact her with something harmless or ignore her and wait for her to make a move again.

[superconductor]

My point - and obviously I wasn't clear about it, which is my fault and no one elses - was that getting caught in the quagmire of feelings may only serve to escalate. Nothing's wrong, of course, with being clear about your feelings and what you want, but so often arguments build upon themselves when feelings get unleashed.

 

The idea was to simply bypass the whole escalation and actually deal with, and attempt to heal, the matter at hand. Once the issue is resolved, the feelings will vanish, hence the argument is over and people can get on with their lives.

[sirjay]

i think thats right in a way; the problem is that we cant seem to stay in contact for long enough to just have a good time together and feel relaxed. but the underlying problem is all of this resentment. should i just try to weather the storm until she feels more relaxed ? i get concerned that this is how it is and its all just some game to **** with me because i am having a good time without her

[superconductor]

Look, when two people are involved in a relationship, it's a fallacy to say it's a 50%-50% split. Sometimes one will need to be more supportive than the other, sometimes one will need to be more forgiving than the other, sometimes one will need to be more aggressive than the other.

 

It's just a fact of life.

 

I'm not suggesting you just lay down and soak up all the abuse and crud that she has to dish out, just like it wouldn't be fair for you to unload all your poison on her.

 

But I am saying that forgiveness is one of the fundamental cornerstones of a relationship. So forgive her. Ask her to forgive you. If she will, then you can put this whole sorry episode behind you and move forward. If she won't, then the decision is yours whether to stay with her with this Sword of Damocles hanging over your head, or move on without her.

 

Good luck, my friend.

[sirjay]

i completely agree. but how can you seek forgiveness from someone who refuses to even discuss the matter?

 

it seems clear to me that she hasnt forgiven me at all but then whats the point in trying to be friendly? we miss each other and we completely want to be in each others lives but her way of dealing with this is just immature and unworkable as far as i can see.

 

i dont even understand why she won't talk about it. if i am angry, i want to express that. she seems to think that if we bury everything and pretend to be friends when there is loads of powerful emotion under it - both negative and positive - that it will come to be that and it will be ok. i think thats completely fake and is never going to work.

[superconductor]

i completely agree. but how can you seek forgiveness from someone who refuses to even discuss the matter?

Ask her.

 

Something like, "I have forgiven you for (whatever) and ask the same of you. I won't engage into yet-another argument about it. I'm not here to share my feelings about it. I'm not interested at all in re-hashing who said what and why and all the rest. It is time that we either put this behind us, or said our goodbyes. I ask your forgiveness, and I only need a one-word response: yes or no."

 

Of course, you'll have to use your own words and in a manner that fits your personality, but the point is to be clear, direct, unemotional and matter-of-fact. The time for being all emotional about it has come and gone, and it has served it's purpose. That's fine, but it doesn't end there.

 

You want the problem solved.

[Ukwizard]

Like sirjay says,

 

but how can you seek forgiveness from someone who refuses to even discuss the matter?

The fact of the matter is that you haven`t resolved your differences.

 

Supercon advises

 

The idea was to simply bypass the whole escalation and actually deal with, and attempt to heal, the matter at hand. Once the issue is resolved, the feelings will vanish, hence the argument is over and people can get on with their lives.

That`s easier said than done. The problem is this. Sirjays girl won`t talk. How can you fix the problem when its not 50/50 in the relationship in terms of communication? It looks like sirjay is trying to fix problems while his girl is not.

 

I m not sure what you mean by `by-pass the whole escalation and actually deal with it`. That in itself is a contradiction. Can you explain how you can by-pass a problem, and deal with it at the same time? I m confused?

 

At the end of the day, you can forgive all you can, but if the same problems arise again, and again then no forgiveness can overcome that. I think sirjay wants to understand why his girl is like this. Communication is a 2 way thing, but unfortunately his partner is lacking in that department.

 

Like I said

 

Maybe one thing you can do is give it a lot of time. People change over time. Bring up whats bothering you when she is in a good mood or, where there is a place where she can`t walk away from the problem. Say you can speak to her in the car for example. The best thing is if you bring it up, and she doesnt want to talk then just leave it for another time. You can`t force people to talk if they do`t want to.

[superconductor]

Can you explain how you can by-pass a problem, and deal with it at the same time? I m confused?

 

I meant to bypass the entire emotional blow-up that may potentially occur, and deal with the fundamental issue.

 

Obviously I didn't express myself clearly enough. Maybe I need more coffee...

[Ukwizard]

I think I know what you mean Super.

 

You mean by-pass the emotions, but deal with the problem - yeah?

[sirjay]

Yeah. There is a lot of history and hurt in this. She wanted me to move out from my ex's place and move to her city. It was a platonic relationship and wasn't a threat to her but it obviously made her paranoid and upset her. Since we broke up, I moved out, moved to her city and generally did everything that she wanted me to do. She said she wanted to be "best friends" but then did abusive stuff like saying "call me in the week when I am bored and don't have anything better to do" and then tried to say that that was normal behaviour between friends etc etc

 

The situation that hurt her went on for 3 years. Its only been a few months and despite me doing everything i can think of to make it up to her and show her she didn't need to feel hurt by the situation, she clearly doesn't want to let go of it. On the other hand, she also doesn't want to lose me either. She is caught between loving me and hating me and won't commit either way.

 

I think time is the answer too, and I don't think that being apart will work because how can trust be regained if you aren't around each other at all? We need to work at it but she doesn't want to see that she has a part in it (she never really expressed her feelings about the situation to me, was reluctant to tell me she loved me etc. It was a mexican stand off - neither of us wanted to take the next step and commit because we were scared of being hurt by the other. However, I HAVE made a lot of steps to show her i mean business and i have opened my heart to her. She persists in playing games and then refusing to admit that she is, which does neither of us any favours).

 

we need time to just be amicable and not get into anything heavy. but if she provokes fights, its hard to do that.

 

Or maybe we should stay apart for longer?

[superconductor]

I think I know what you mean Super.

 

You mean by-pass the emotions, but deal with the problem - yeah?

Well, partially. I mean, it's ok to feel the emotions, but in order to deal with the fundamental issue, I believe it's important to not fall victim to the emotions; that is, no yelling or howling or crying or making accusations or counter-accusations and all the rest. That serves no purpose but to inflame the conflict.

 

Once the core of the problem is resolved - or, maybe, it's an "agree to disagree" situation - the emotions will be short-circuited and eventually vanish. Remember that emotions are nothing more (or less) than surges of electrical and chemical triggers in the brain. There's no "bottle" that people speak of when they talk of "bottling things up," there's no "pressure cooker" when people talk of "blowing up," they're just metaphors. The reality is entirely different. Just like when you switch off a light bulb, the light doesn't eventually burst because it hasn't been turned on in a while; it simply doesn't have the charge going through it. Same thing with the brain. Turn off the electrical and chemical impulses by dealing with the underlying issue and the emotions are gone.

[sirjay]

...

 

I believe this amounts to being emotionally strong / mature and I don't think either of us are that. We're both very firey, passionate and emotionally led people.

 

I have tried to take the upper hand in being emotional and taking the risk of extending my feelings but she doesn't seem to reciprocate. Maybe its just going to take more time. If I can manage to ignore her hurts, maybe we can get close enough again to talk properly. We just keep rebounding off each other and backing off again.

 

she had said that she had a lot of free time to hang out in august and i am not sure if she was thinking we could use that time to try to work things out...