going insane... or am i just overly paranoid??

[snowflake02]

Please help..my paranoia and jealously is making me crazy...

My boyfriend and I work in the same company, same department. This girl joined our company about half a year ago and coincidently she and my boyfriend had worked together at a previous company, although they were not friends there. He told me that she was extremely attractive

and that every guy wanted to go out with her but that she was kinda bi**chy.

Since then I have built up an extreme jealously towards her. I have

caught him checking her out many times when she walks by. I know they IM eachother because I saw his computer screen and they were chatting. My biggest fear is that they are meeting up behind my back during work, that they are messaging eachother all the time. Its come to the point where thats all that Ill be thinking about all day everday. I will be monitoring their every move. My work is being affected, I have become anti-social and I have been losing weight because Ill worry myself sick.

The reason why it has gotten this bad is because last month I was over at my boyfriend`s house and I looked at his cell phone while he was out. I found some text messages between them and it appears one night they had met up for drinks. This was during the time when we had temporarly broken up for a few weeks a few months back. Also I found that he had called her a few times as well recently. I literally became sick after looking

at his phone, its as if my suspicions were confirmed. I mean it could very well be nothing but since then I have lost faith in him. Luckly my boyfriend went on a business trip right after for a couple weeks so I had time to calm down and not blow up. I realized that admitting that I went through his phone would make him think I was psycho. Therefore I have not said

a word about it which Im glad.

Today my bf is working late and so is she. I cant help fearing that they will meet up for dinner afterwards. He just called me to say that he will

be eating dinner with some of his co-workers which is unusual. Usually on Fridays we eat dinner together but today he didnt seem to want to. Im not sure if I trust him. However things are going great between us right

now, we are thinking of living abroad together next year. We spend nearly all of our time together and I even met his family for the first time a couple weeks ago. I know he loves me but at the same time Im not sure if I completly trust him. I mean he knows that I dont like her because I told him months ago that I was jealous, he told me then that he hardly talks to

her but then why did he call her recently?? I know he is not cheating on me since we are always together but I dont like the fact that he talks/texts her behind my back. There is no reason for him to be calling her espcially when he knows I dont like her. When HE got jealous one time when I went to lunch with a guy co-worker I stopped all contact with the co-worker to make him happy.

Im tempted to look at his phone again, although I dont want to. I dont want my jealously to ruin our relationship. Should I be cautious about them or should I just let it go? And how can I let go? I dread going to work now and I feel like im self destructing myself.

[megnog]

sounds like you need to take a breather.

 

alright, now a few questions

how long have you two been dating? and has he done anything in the past to lead you to not trust him?

 

if you have been dating a good amount of time and you feel comfortable talking about how you feel, i think you should go that way. you don't necessarily have to bring up how you snooped through his phone, but you could remind him of the time you stopped all contact with your guy co-worker friend and tell him that you feel really bad that he seems to spend time with this girl/ talk to her a lot/ whatever is happening.

i wouldn't call you crazy or paranoid because i'd be having the same exact feelings. and screw those people out there who tell you differently because if thats the way you feel, telling you that you're crazy isn't going to help your situation. i've seen guys (who seem like good men) write on here saying how they are interested in someone else while they are with their fiances or wives, and thats personally driving me nuts. how do you know who to trust and when to trust?

anyway, back to the point,

definately talk to him - he could very well realize what he's doing and how that makes you feel and stop talking to this girl

however, knowing most guys he will find some kind of way to still keep her in his life because she is, afterall, eye candy. he called her EXTREMELY attractive which is more that normal (i'm guessing? )

but remember - that doesn't have to mean that HES attracted to her, i.e attracted to her soul and personality and heart and all that stuff that he loves YOU for.

anyway that has been a fear of mine for a while, that a really really pretty girl will start working with my guy at his work. so i have to say good luck and try not to get so worked up, it will only cause so much stress and like you said, losing weight and probably sleep over this isn't going to do YOU any good.

one more thing - if you can, maybe you could take up some sort of hobby or start reading a really good book to take your mind off of things when you're alone and possibly freaking out.

[snowflake02]

Ive been together with my bf for 8 months now. We went through a rough

phase 3 months into the relationship and he dumped me because he thought I was too emotionally demanding. We got back together a few weeks later though because he was so sorry for what he had done. Things have been pretty good since but it makes me wonder if he would dump me again just like that. Thats why I dont trust him I guess...Oh and another reason is because he changes his mind about things a lot. Like he would have a strong opinion on something and than he would change his mind completly the next day.

I want to be able to talk to him about it but Im hesitant that it will backfire. I dont want him to think im really insecure because it will make him have more power in the relationship. Plus I dont want him to start getting more secretive because of it. He treats me better when im confident and a happy person. When im feeling low and sad he gets frustrated and down because he doesnt know what to do. Thats why I try so hard not to show how depressed I am. Its a real effort though and sometimes I just cant hide it. Yesterday I burst into tears on the phone with him because it was one of those really bad days. I didnt tell him it was because of that girl though, I said it was because I hated my job and the people who worked at our office. He already dumped me once because he thought i was too emotionally demanding.

[MsPiggy]

Hi there. I would talk to him about this girl. I think you should heavily imply it makes you uncomfortable and you'd stop (and have stopped) relationships with the opposite sex to avoid any issues with him.

 

If he doesn't oblige, I would take that into consideration and you'd need to decide if this is the kind of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, because chances are there will be other attractive woman at his job. Maybe you can ask if they chat over the phone as well and see his response and take it from there. You should also imply you don't have a problem with them being social on a "professional" level but the friendlier IM'ng and phone stuff is too much.

 

Maybe even take it to the next step by speaking to her. Let her know you're a person and not just a face, if you know what I mean. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it if it were the other way around...

[Guest]

You are not alone, I too have fears like this and I know it's impossible not to feed your paranoia. This is my dilemma, how do you tell your b/f you are uncomfortable without sounding insecure, and controlling. My b/f has a friend that I really can't stand b/c she is a total tease and although my b/f insists that she means nothing to her, I just don't like him being around her, especially since she'll totally ignore me which I think is totally disrespectful and rude.

 

I, of course, could not stop thinking about it and constantly thought of the worst possible scenarios and of his past, but I'm trying hard to not worry about it too much. Just like you, my b/f and I are doing well I really don't want to lose him over my insecurity. I don't want to seem too controlling or crazy because I don't want him to hide things from me to spare my feelings, you know? I definently think you should talk about it with him though, bc at least then he'll know how you feel and you should definently remind him that you have stopped a friendly relationship for him.

 

I would say not to make it sound too demanding though, maybe as the person before me suggested just encourage professional contact, in order for him not to resent you, even though he should considering what you did for him. The age old saying "don't get mad, get even" helps me feel a little better. I feel that two can play at any game and you shouldn't let yourself go for some guy no matter how great because there are always other fish in the sea, which is what I try to tell myself.

 

Just remember its not the end of the world if things don't work out, you have to show that you are confident and independant and don't need him to make you happy. Have him realize what he'd be losing by holding out on him a little and maybe developing some relationships that might make him a bit jealous, but don't go too far. Protect yourself, and love without getting too attached. Well that was long, now wasn't it?

[Walk]

Snowflake...

• So far you've said your bf is willing to tell you to your face that specific women (who he has close contact with every day) are *extremely* attractive.
  
• He's hiding the fact that he's talked to her on the phone. (Hiding meaning he omitted telling you an important fact)
  
• He likes you when you're confident and happy, and will dump you if you get emotional.
  
• You don't feel you can be honest with him about how you're feeling out of fear of his reaction.
  
• You stop contact with co-worker when your bf explains his insecurity.
  
• Your bf continues contact with his co-worker, and hides it instead.
  
• You're lying about your true feelings because he'll break up with you if you tell him.
  

 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't think you're bf is good for you. And he really doesn't deserve to be with you. 8 months into a relationship and he's lying, he's causing you to lie to him out of fear, he's not taking your feelings and thoughts into consideration. He's being disrespectful and decietful. But you seem to be taking the blame for all this onto yourself. As though there's some flaw with you.. But he's the one with the flaw. And it's causing you far too much stress and misery in your life.

 

I think you deserve some one believes *you* are extremely hot. And who will want to make you happy. Who puts your thoughts and concerns at as high a priority as his own. Like you do with his. And who will be there for you when you "need" him. Not shove you aside, dump you, and make it clear that he's only there if you're happy.

 

I think you deserve far better than this man could ever be.