Is it wrong to continue a conversation with a guy if you know he's flirting with you?

[kbah]

My last thread did not seem to work out so well. We'll try again.

 

Lately my boyfriend has been acting more insecure and jealous. I will tell him a casual or funny story from a night out with friends that sometimes includes a guy and he gets pissed or all weird and uncomfortable. For example, I told him a story about this guy I knew in high school who asked me out on a date. I refused the guy 2 or 3 times that night and our conversation dwindled. I told this to my bf when I was a little tipsy and I guess I just thought the whole situation was funny. My intentions were not to make him jealous, but just tell him a funny story. IMO. (But does it sound that I was trying to make him jealous?!)

 

Anyways- point being. It now seems that everytime I go out without him (which is like once every 2 weeks) he has some sort of fight to pick even if I dont tell him any stories with guys in it. He says "I know you always get hit on" and he thinks that I bring it upon myself or don't realize when guys are flirting with me and that I should and that I should stop the conversation.

 

QUESTION: Is it wrong to continue a conversation with a guy if you know he's flirting with you? Is that considered flirting back even tho I have no intentions? Also, I kinda feel as though he is being kinda possessive in a way that he doesn't want me to talk to any guy that "might" be flirting. (well how the **** am I supposed to know?!?! sometimes they are interested and I dont realize at the time....does this mean I should just not talk to ANY guys?!?!ha!)

[Cecelius]

I think I caused your last post to not work out so well, which was not my intention.

 

I think your b/f is being very sensitive right now, and the fact that he did more or less the same kind of stuff that you did when you two were broken up doesn't give him much credibility on the subject generally. Nevertheless, he and you are trying to give this a go.

 

The line where flirting is too much is hard to see sometimes. I do not mind my g/f doing some of it, because it shows she is desireable. If it becomes disrespectful to me, then I end the flirting if I care to, or more likely, I walk.

 

My sense is that if a guy asks you out once, you say no, you do not want to go out and that you have a boyfriend. If he asks again, then, in my opinion, as the b/f I would think it inappropriate for you to continue contact with the dude.

 

That doesn't mean you can't talk to other men.

 

Perhaps, given the tentative nature of your get-back-together with your b/f, you may, if you care to, give him some time to get back on solid ground -- he's insecure right now (which I think is wrong on his part, and will doom him in the long run) but hopefully it will wear off.

[MrDarcy]

The fact that the guy asked you two or three times either says something about the guy, or it says something about you. If the guy is to blame then he is being disrespectful to your bf, (It's okay to try but once you find out the girl is taken, back off) in which case you need to tell him clearly what you think of him. If he keeps trying because you're sending him the wrong signals, you should ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend acted the same way. It really comes down to that. If you would be comfortable with your boyfriend acting the same way you do,(And I'm not implying anything about the way you act.) you're not doing anything wrong.

 

It's hard to give a straightforward answer to your question, as there are different levels of flirting. If a guy knowns you're taken and still keeps hitting on you, you're the one who's doing something wrong, not the guy. He may be disrespecting your bf, but it's your responsibility to put your foot down, even if it means hurting the guys feelings (or ego).

Btw, what exactly is your definition of flirting? IMO, two people of the opposite sex talking and laughing and having a good time is flirting, but okay. If a guy complements you on your looks or body without having a hidden agenda, thats also fine. If there is sexual tension involved, that's when you're getting yourself into trouble. That's a level of flirting that should not exist within a relationship without both parts consenting. If you're sending out signals that you're interested and available, that's wrong and disrespectful towards your bf. If you've got insecurity issues, going out and flirting can be very dangerous. Then you'll most likely let things go too far. Anyway, like I said before, if you can accept your boyfriend doing the same things you do when going out, you're not doing anything wrong. To answer your question, it's okay to continue talking to a guy even when he flirts, but only as long as he respects the fact that nothings going to happen and respects you.

 

On a different note, you seem to have big trouble accepting the fact that other peoples opinions don't match your own. If you've come here because you want to hear people tell you that you're right, you've come to the wrong place. The reason I'm saying this is because you've written some angry responses to people responding to your other posts, and frankly I'm a little provoked by that.

[Spectre]

I'd say its wrong. When a guys flirting with you, you know what he wants. If you make it clear that isnt what you want, and he persists, yet you continue to talk, then theres a problem. Given the situation with your bf, I think its ballsy to even be hanging out with other guys without him at this point in time.

[kbah]

okok...hahah I LOVE how Spectre even thinks I shouldn't even be "talking" to other guys. You're right, since I hooked up while I was SINGLE and did not even consider getting back with my boyfriend at the time, I have completely disrespected the relationship and I should never talk to guys.

 

I think not. I think the ONLY person I disrespected in the situation was myself. It was ****ty and I regret it and there is nothing I can now do. I have not told my bf anything and he also has not asked. But what I did tell him was that I am sorry I hooked up and that I regret it and I feel terrible he had to be affected by a poor decision on my part. If we never got back together (which is what I thought would happen) he would have never been affected.

 

I can see your point Spectre, but I can handle myself when I am out and with other guys. Talking to a guy (whether I am attracted at all or not) does not tempt me to cheat or leave my bf in any way.

 

I just don't understand why it is my fault when a guy hits on me initially. Sorry I'm attractive?

[Guest]

You are definately at fault here because you obviously don't care how your man is feeling right now. You have only yourself to blame for his actions and you should accept this. The least you can do is tone it down for awhile. It's bad enough that your going out without him but added on to the fact that your not standing firmly by your relationship is just (for lack of a better word) grimey.

[john2776]

My intentions were not to make him jealous, but just tell him a funny story. he thinks that I bring it upon myself or don't realize when guys are flirting with me and that I should and that I should stop the conversation. QUESTION: Is it wrong to continue a conversation with a guy if you know he's flirting with you? Is that considered flirting back even tho I have no intentions?

You think it is a funny story - so in other words you took pleasure in the flirting. Understandably your bf does not find you giving attention to a guy that is flirting with you at all funny. Is it wrong? Bad question. Is it smart? No, not really. And the guy that is flirting with you is given the impression that you are flirting back - regardless of you turning him down because you continue to respond. The question I would ask is why do you feel the need to talk to a guy who has made his intentions clear when you have a boyfriend?

[Spectre]

okok...hahah I LOVE how Spectre even thinks I shouldn't even be "talking" to other guys. You're right, since I hooked up while I was SINGLE and did not even consider getting back with my boyfriend at the time, I have completely disrespected the relationship and I should never talk to guys.

 

I didnt say never talk to guys. But, you dump your bf(of a year and a half) go hook up with multiple guys, then get back with him. He voices his jealously, yet then you go hang out with guys that constantly flirt with you? And you dont think thats wrong? Oh how naive we are.

 

I think not. I think the ONLY person I disrespected in the situation was myself.

 

And the guy you dated for over a year, then a week or two after breaking up were hooking up with random guys?

 

I can see your point Spectre, but I can handle myself when I am out and with other guys. Talking to a guy (whether I am attracted at all or not) does not tempt me to cheat or leave my bf in any way.

 

Obviously you cant always handle yourself, you're also naive enough to let a guy keep asking you out and still not think "hey, maybe i shouldnt talk to this guy"

 

I just don't understand why it is my fault when a guy hits on me initially. Sorry I'm attractive?

 

Its not your fault if a guy hits on you. Its your fault if a guy hits on you, continues to flirt and ask you out, and you dont say "bye bye"

 

You just seem to have no tact, I feel sorry for your bf.

[Guest]

Ok, had you not told him the story, it would have been wrong. No matter if you found it funny or not...Jealous people want to know everything, holding anything back would have made you at fault. It sounds to me like you have one very insecure b/f. He is probably intimidated by your good looks and therefore assumes that you are going to screw him over in some way. I think if you want it to work, keep telling him everything. Dont keep anything toyourself...thats honestly. And compromise on going out. Take him sometimes.

[kbah]

But I am not always constantly hit on.

 

Here's the point: I am guessing that he feels threatened when I even TALK to other guys. That is a bit ridiculous. I am talking about guy friends from high school who I have known for six years! Here's an example story.

 

We were at my friend from college grad party and my bf and I were eating hangin out with our friends.. I guy I knew from a class was there-we talked in class and were class friends- no biggie. (Just to add: he is kinda nerdy, not that attractive and it's obvious) There should be NO reason for my bf to be jealous, right? SO I invite the guy to come hang out with us after he admits he doesnt really know anyone at the party besidesthe graduate (and she is busy tending to guests). I intro him to everyone and we are all hanging out. After the party my bf gets on my ass about how I should have known that he was flirting with me and that he saw him look at my ass. My side was: ok maybe he looked at my ass- so what. Like I havent seen my own bf look at another girls ass?! ha! and the guy WASN'T fliriting, IMO. I have known him for over a year. We were just talking and playing a drinking game, while my bf was talking to other people.

 

It's stuff like that where I don't know where the problem lies. I was TALKING to a friend from class, that my bf has no reason to be jealous of. I feel like he is just being overly territorial and kinda possessive. Ok so let me get this straight- my bf can look and talk to other girls (since in his mind it's all platonic) but I can't even talk to an old friend w/o him getting on my ass.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

See....The guy may persist on askin you out...you can no him til your blue in the face. If YOU know that all this is going to be is a conversation, the other jackass should respect that you said no and just have a friendly conversation.

With telling your BF about it, I don't think you had any intentions on making him jealous. Why would you TELL him a story to perpously get his jealous. I bet you didn't think he would. And I think he should have respected the fact that you told him with the intention for it to be a funny story. I tell my husband stories like that all the time and he finds them funny due to the fact that those guys can never have me!

[mutton]

I don't know about what happened in the past, but in your opinion, do you give your boyfriend any reason to be jealous like that?

 

It's unreasonable for you to never talk to another guy again, but it is also unreasonable for you not to expect your boyfriend not to feel insecure about you continuously letting a another boy who has clearly announced his attraction to you to continue his charade of flirting. In my experience, I haven't met a man who has given up on flirting with me just be because I told him no and that I'm taken.

 

This is about a question of respect for your relationship and your boyfriend's feelings. As hard as it might be, once you know for sure that another guy is flirting with you, cancel contact with that guy if you realize he's not going to stop.

 

On the other side, please tell your boyfriend to stop being so jealous. Work something out with him--like if you're in the company of another guy friend your boyfriend can let you know if he's flirting with you or not. And then you can decide on what to do.

 

But who knows? maybe your relationship wasn't meant to be. You obviously want to explore and enjoy yourself a little more and he wants a chaste and respectful girlfriend who understands the complications of a relationship. You can't keep on acting that you're still single in terms of flirting if you're taken. Maybe the reasons that ended your relationship the first time are still there. Don't let yourself be tied down if that's not what you want.

 

good luck

[aljc123]

i learnt quite early in my relationship that flirting and stories about other people flirting with me were not "funny" for my boyfriend. i made the same mistake tho, and when some creep from work was pestering me for a date i told my boyfriend about it and how funny it was...but he didnt think so. It makes him uncomfortable to think of other guys hitting on me- he knows its gonna happen, and that i wont do anything, but it makes him feel mad and uncomfortable to be reminded of it.

When we first got together i thought other girls hitting on him was cute and funny,probably because i didnt care about him as much as i do now. Now i am not so keen- my baby is my baby and while i know he is faithful to me it makes me cross to think that other girls even THINK they have a chance!!hehe maybe ive gone all possesive like a man but i now understand why they dont like it, it took me being in love and realising its not all just a game to see this