Fear of Intimacy/Commitment - can we make it work?

[norajane]

Bemused, I'm so sorry.

 

If this is your first detailed conversation about marriage, I'm tempted to say that - since he has such a fear - maybe he just needs more time to get comfortable with the idea of marriage TO YOU, rather than focusing on the BIG SCARY "M" word. A lot of guys are resistant at first about losing their freedom - it's SUCH a cliche! - but change their minds later.

 

But you know him better than we do. You say he's definite and not into change. But he HAS changed over the last 20 years when it comes to your relationship, right? He didn't love you when you first met and he does now. Since you've had a "complicated history" there also must have been changes in his mind about you and being with you, and I'll bet neither of you would have predicted that you'd be where you are today.

 

I guess my point is, it's taken a long time for the two of you to get where you are now. It's not unreasonable to to think you and he might still have more "development" ahead of you.

[Bemused]

I guess my point is, it's taken a long time for the two of you to get where you are now. It's not unreasonable to to think you and he might still have more "development" ahead of you.

 

Development, otherwise know as work. I understand relationships take work and I have no problem with that, but what would we be working for? Not working to be a team, certainly. Not working to build a future together, certainly. Not working to achieve joint goals, certainly. It's working to maintain the status quo? What will it mean to be together at 50 and 60 and 70 and just dating? I guess it's what we make of it, right? My crystal ball is foggy.

 

I don't know. We saw each other the other night for the first time since talking and I was afraid his walls would be up, but it was mine that were up, not his.

 

I'm feeling hurt now, like if his freedom and independence is so important, maybe I should free him altogether so he can be as independent as he wants? When I called before heading over there, he mentioned feeling run down and maybe the beginnings of a cold, and I offered to let him rest instead of coming over. I didn't invite him to brunch with friends the next day for fear of making demands on his time, curtailing his independence. In the morning, I was sad, sad that I felt the need to leave without breakfast, just coffee, because I didn't want to take up more of his precious time than necessary. I can't explain it, but I ketp wondering if he'd be thinking of me as Osama bin Laden from now on: Bemused - Enemy of Freedom, the one who wants to take his life away. Why do you hate Freedom and Liberty, Bemused?

 

And yet, we had a wonderful time together. We got caught up with what we've been doing, great conversation, lots of laughing, lots of touching and kissing. The sex was as sweet and passionate and intimate as ever, maybe even more so. The kissing afterwards, the way we wrapped ourselves in each other's arms until we fell asleep...how can he not trust in us?

 

I like the idea of us as a team. We'd be a great team. We'd beat all the other teams and win the championship t-shirt with the long sleeves. Why can't he entertain the idea that being a part of a team doesn't mean giving his life away? Is it a trust issue? We're already an "us". How much does he want to limit what "us" can be? I'm not a hypothetical "wife"; I'm a real person that he clings to and gives to. He's not afraid of me. Why is he so stuck on his hypothetical concept of "wife", fixated to the point he can't be open to the reality of what we are together?

 

Obviously, I need time to adjust to now knowing his perspective. It's such a rigid perspective, though, one that will control what we can be together. A perspective that I'm afraid will limit our "development".

[norajane]

I can't explain it, but I ketp wondering if he'd be thinking of me as Osama bin Laden from now on: Bemused - Enemy of Freedom, the one who wants to take his life away. Why do you hate Freedom and Liberty, Bemused?

 

 

At least you've still got your sense of humor?

 

It's natural to feel hurt. And hyper-sensitive about his independence issues. But you haven't said anything that gives me the impression he doesn't want to be with you. If you didn't feel qualms about being an "Enemy of Freedom" before, don't let that get in your way now.

 

And yet, we had a wonderful time together. We got caught up with what we've been doing, great conversation, lots of laughing, lots of touching and kissing. The sex was as sweet and passionate and intimate as ever, maybe even more so. The kissing afterwards, the way we wrapped ourselves in each other's arms until we fell asleep...how can he not trust in us?

 

Consider that he's probably wondering what YOU'RE going to decide to do now, how this might change things between you. Consider that he's probably worried that you might leave him. If he's wrapping himself in your arms after sex, you may be underestimating how much he does trust in you.

 

Obviously, I need time to adjust to now knowing his perspective. It's such a rigid perspective, though, one that will control what we can be together. A perspective that I'm afraid will limit our "development".

 

He said that if he wanted to get married, he knows he'd want you. You have some power here, you know. Your perspective is important, and if you can't get past the hurt feelings, your perspective will limit what your relationship can be.

 

Honestly, I think if you just let this go and do what you're doing - be with him, love him, be the understanding and patient person you seem to be - you two can be even stronger. He may or may not come around, but he did say he'd think about it some more and you'll talk about it again. Just let it drop for now and enjoy what you do have together.