Alaska Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 Current problem: I dont feel the desire to mentally engage or encourage a healthy sexual relationship any longer. Past experience: Love sex with my wife. Very satisfying when she lets me explore her past sexual experiences, new positions, knowing her thoughts of what and who turns her on etc... Experience that started my feelings: A week ago she rolled her eyes at me and said "enough of wanting to know my secrets..." You see after 15 years of marriage I found out from her telling me in bed, that her FIRST, probably wasnt her first. It was a married Black man. I am turned on by this, not upset. I honestly feel she just wont OPEN up sexually. I know she has thoughts.... I want her to lead a little, open up, try new things more. Guess I feel I want her to be looking for ways to make me respond, rather than the other way. I get really really tired of going out on the edge myself to see if she likes it or not. And yet she is unwilling to do the same. So because i cant explore i dont feel like setting sail. Last night she made love to me, on top, felt good but I didnt orgasm because I didnt want to be active. So I know that is not healthy, and i need som advice i guess.... Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 Did you tell her you're desire is getting lack-luster and why? It's a touchy topic, so it may not have gone to great. What's worse, if you don't show any desire for her, she's probably not going to feel very sexual, which means she won't go out of her way to be sexually exciting for you. You'll show er less desire, etc. etc. bad circle. What do you want her to do for you to turn you on? Do you just want her to be more dominant, less passive in sex? Or talk dirty to you? Sounds as if you are looking for something more, and I didn't quite understand what that was... so maybe your wife doesn't understand either? Maybe if you clarified your desire? Are you looking for more enthusiasm from her? How would she show it, etc? Last thought... Although you might enjoy hearing about her first sexual encounter, it might not be all that enjoyable for her. Frankly, being reminded of my "first" would put me directly into No Sex mode. Brings up all kinds of memories and feelings from then that I'd rather not associate with the man I love and want to be intimate with. If you had to discuss an ex while having sex with your wife, how would you feel about it? A few times, fine.. but I really wouldnt' want to do that too often. I dont' want to associate my ex - with my current. Not in any way, shape, or form. Listen to her if she is telling you its too much for her. Find another way to add in some excitment. Why don't you ask her to come up with some ideas? (If you haven't yet) If there isn't something underlying the issue, them maybe you could make a game out of finding the most exciting thing for both of you? Like every week you both have to come up with one position, act, or verbalized role for the two of you to try together. If she doesnt' want to go along with it, then you might want to look a little deeper into the relationship then just the sexual aspect. There might be more going on, and the sex is just a symptom of it. p.s. Maybe this is a confidence issue for her? Low self-esteem causing her to fear rejection of her thoughts and ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 A week ago she rolled her eyes at me and said "enough of wanting to know my secr ets..." I honestly feel she just wont OPEN up sexually. I know she has thoughts. And it seems as though you're insisting she give over with the 'thoughts' she has and are in a snit because she won't. Leave it alone. There's other ways to get her to try new things without insisting on using a crowbar to force her to 'open up'. Link to post Share on other sites
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