Husband slept with prostitute

[Dream_For_Low]

DieselPWR,

 

Thanks so much for the advice. I apologize for the language that it gets little out of line. No, I don't expect him to crawl back to me. I know what you mean and he might thinks that is what I want him to do. No, I don't want that I want a husband who doesn't cheat and love me for the rest of his life, grow old together with kids and grand kids. I made my own decision and did not listen to my family with the first problem we had (emotional affair) that was why I stayed and worked it out. I thought he would never going to do that to me again. Speaking of Family Service, Legal office, and counselling, I've been there done that. They are not very helpful at all, except the Legal Office, they did help me a bit with legal stuff. But we don't have any children and property, beside he gives me everything in the house--furnitures. No contest divorce.

 

About email, yes, I was really worry but he is okay. I even called his mom and my mom. Later found out that email was just his bluffing, maybe trying to get my attention. In fact, he stays with friends now and won't come home even I told him nicely that it is okay to come home. Staying there might be okay for a short period of time, but they wouldn't want you to hang around too long. They need their privacy too. We have two bedrooms and a couch and in fact I work graveyard five days a week, I won't be home at night anyway. You see talking to him is like talking to a 13 years boy.

 

But no, he said that he can't stand seeing me that he might break down in front of me. I think it is his choice, he is old enough to make his own decision. When he did that he knows the consequences in our marriage. Like I said, the old wound still fresh, now here is another wound. He is a very confusing person, he doesn't know eactly what he wants half of the time and very, very hard to understand from me a wife point of view. When we were on the phone, sometimes he seems sincere, another time just down right wrong with the tone of his voice. He is good at turning himself to become a victim instead of a wrong doer. What is wrong with him? Are all men like that?

[Gunny376]

I was trying to keep quiet about the sterotype thing, but being an ex-squid, I will pipe up a little.

Not all Sailors(or Marines, Soldiers, Airmen) are manho's. There are some very wholesome people around. The ones that screw around are the ones that would've done it in the US. So, just by sending them overseas, does not make them bad people who are going to go and cheat on there wives. Yes, there is an old saying "What goes on overseas, stays overseas" (Seen a Las vegas Commercial, same idea) but its just a myth. I had a gf while I was in the Navy, and I was always faithful. I may be one in a handful, but not all Military are going to go out and do bad things. I know just as many wives that have been caught cheating while their hubbies were away. Call it human nature, call it what you will. There was a bar in San Diego, CA, called the Trophy Lounge. As soon as a ship pulled out, the "WESTPAC Widows" showed up, looking for the next man to shack up with. Shack up with em for 6 months, as soon as hubby comes back, they leave the one guy, go back to the hubby, and do it again in 18 months when the ship deployed again. I've seen more "Dear John" letters come across the water than I care to remember. I can't tell you how many people I have seen take a flying leap off of the deck of an aircraft carrier cause they got one of those letters. That being said, OP, wait until he gets home until you hit him in the head. That doesn't mean you can't start preparing for it. Get everything in order, decide what you want to do. Divorce is painful, and not very pleasent at all. If it's what you feel you must do, then do it. But at least wait until the guy gets back from overseas. Its hard enough to be in the middle of the ocean without that on your mind. I am not saying he is right in any way, but he has enough to worry about, and needs to have his head on a swival at all times. It will suck when he gets home and gets hit with this, but at least there are more people that can keep an eye on his safety. Visit a lawyer, get your papers in order, and be ready to go when he gets back.

I can tell you that not all military men are bad people. In fact, as can be seen, they can be the most honorable, caring, and emotionally strong people that will die for what they believe in.

Gunny,

my father was on the Island in 1971 and is an awesome person because of it. He was in Okinawa in 13th MT, still talks about those days. You can imagine the conversation when I joined the Navy. I got the acronym "Navy: Never Again Volunteer Yourself", but we squids have one for the Marine: "My A** Rides In Navy Equipment" I think we could go on all day, but... BTW, watched Jarhead and Full Metal Jacket last nite, I respect the Marines, but have no desire to be one. God Bless all the men and woman in the armed forces. And God bless those who marry them, its not an easy job. There used to be a sticker you could buy at the PX it said "___Wife: Toughest job in the ___" Fill in your service. Its the truth.

Hang in there dream, cause your dream will come true. Every person is brough to us for a reason, and that reason may not be what we want, but its something that we need. And someday, you will realize that reason, whether it works or it doesn't.

Me

 

YOU and I've not got a beef! We're Bros! Enough said! Thanks for serving! Thanks for stepping up to the plate and putting a pair of the big boy britches on! My Dad was on the Keresage at Incohoin, and ended up being next door neighbors with an Army guy that hit the beach! Because of you, my two year Grandson is slepping a peaceful night's sleep with his pacicy! Thanks, Bro!

[Gunny376]

Are you freaking kidding me?

 

Man! Those guys are Marines heros! The Mafia ain't got "****" on what Marines will do to someone who offend's a Navy Corpsman! Who, do Marines look up to for courage? Navy Corpsman!

[Curmudgeon]

I would expect nothing less from him if he couldn't make it out of boot camp.

 

My father was a Marine Corps career aviator and served in WW II and Korea. I went to Vietnam as an Army Ranger. My oldest son was one of the first in and last out (nine months later) in Desert Storm as a Navy SEAL.

 

I guess it's in the blood!

[DieselPWR]

DieselPWR,

 

Thanks so much for the advice. I apologize for the language that it gets little out of line. No, I don't expect him to crawl back to me. I know what you mean and he might thinks that is what I want him to do. No, I don't want that I want a husband who doesn't cheat and love me for the rest of his life, grow old together with kids and grand kids. I made my own decision and did not listen to my family with the first problem we had (emotional affair) that was why I stayed and worked it out. I thought he would never going to do that to me again. Speaking of Family Service, Legal office, and counselling, I've been there done that. They are not very helpful at all, except the Legal Office, they did help me a bit with legal stuff. But we don't have any children and property, beside he gives me everything in the house--furnitures. No contest divorce.

 

About email, yes, I was really worry but he is okay. I even called his mom and my mom. Later found out that email was just his bluffing, maybe trying to get my attention. In fact, he stays with friends now and won't come home even I told him nicely that it is okay to come home. Staying there might be okay for a short period of time, but they wouldn't want you to hang around too long. They need their privacy too. We have two bedrooms and a couch and in fact I work graveyard five days a week, I won't be home at night anyway. You see talking to him is like talking to a 13 years boy.

 

But no, he said that he can't stand seeing me that he might break down in front of me. I think it is his choice, he is old enough to make his own decision. When he did that he knows the consequences in our marriage. Like I said, the old wound still fresh, now here is another wound. He is a very confusing person, he doesn't know eactly what he wants half of the time and very, very hard to understand from me a wife point of view. When we were on the phone, sometimes he seems sincere, another time just down right wrong with the tone of his voice. He is good at turning himself to become a victim instead of a wrong doer. What is wrong with him? Are all men like that?

Don't worry about the language. We are do it sometimes, and it sometimes feels good. We are here for you, and should you need to vent, vent away.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you will be ok, in the long run. It has been over a month since my wife took off on me, with no second chance. You have given him that second chance and he isn't ready to take it, that's his loss. You sound like a very nice, loving wife who would be an asset to the right man. You will find that man, maybe not right away, but eventually.

If he says he can't see you, its cause he can't. I am the same way at this point, I cannot imagine seeing my wife at this point, knowing how she feels about me, and I am sure he is the same way. He knows that he messed up a good thing, and I am sure he regrets it. But seeing that one person that just stirs your soul, and knowing that they do not feel the same way. That really hurts. Heck, I happened to see my wife turn at a light in front of me when i was on to my way to a movie. I had to pull over to the side of the road and break down. So that is why he doesn't want to be around in my opnion.

The fact that he is turning himself into a victim, that's a pretty common thing. Some people that are hurting others do that in order to get pity from their friends and family. However, sometimes they are the victim, as well as the other party. I think in your situation, he is overreacting to get compassion. I have been accused of the same thing, that I am playing a victim to get pity, and not admitting my wrong. I have admitted my wrong, but have been told that I am playing victim, to try and get pity. I am not, and everything thing that has been going on has been turned around to suit my wife. So that she can feel better about her leaving.

Check out the 33 tips of separation, I think they will help you immensly in this situation. And keep you chin up, you'll be better because of this.

[Dream_For_Life]

DieselPWR,

 

I don't want to noisy, but may I ask what happened to your marriage? Why you guys get separated? Why your wife left you? I am one of those people believe in rebuild and working on the marriage until the exhaustion comes to play. At the beginning I was acting little childish, I admit, but years after strugglings with our marital problems, I tend to learn working on myself and to except my mistakes. Don't get wrong, my husband also has changed lots, but rather a happy willfully changed, it's a sad changed. He seems to miss his old way of his habbits even though how bad they were affecting our marriage seriously.

[DieselPWR]

To be honest with you, I don't know the whole reason that she left me. What I can tell you is that I was drinking pretty heavily before we got married, and after we got married. There were communication problems, such as we both took offense if the other said something the wrong way. She blamed me for everything, and I did the same at first. The end came when I got very intoxicated one nite, some mean words were exchanged, and then she stormed out for the nite. Stayed with a friend I think. Then a week later, I was suspicious of her activities, and I asked her if she had met someone else. Maybe it was the wrong question, but it set her off the deep end, and she took off. Haven't seen or heard from her since, and that was many weeks ago. I was holding out hope that she would come back, so I left her alone except for limited contact. She has said she has no interest of coming back, and that I am not accepting responsibility for this, which I have on my end. We both had things about us that needed to change, and she didn't seem like she really cared to do that. And that's fine, I cannot be the only one giving here. I still care very much for her, and I worry about her all the time. But I have accepted the fact that she wants nothing to do with me, and that she is gone for good. I wish she would come back, but I cannot force her to do anything she doesn't want to. So, I have to work on getting myself together, and let her go. I quit drinking, lost alot of weight, work out everyday, and concentrate on healing my wounds. I am also one of those people that thinks that the marriage should be worked on, but I can't without the other half to work with me. Its like playing tennis on an empty court. You can serve the ball all day, but if no one is there to volley with you, you will be chasing the ball back and forth, exhausting yourself for nothing.

My old me is gone and buried; a new me has emerged. More Confident, strong(at times) and happy to be alive and sober.

But if you want the full story,, check out my two posts, "Short Marriage : DOA?" and "Wondering Aloud" That should get you up to speed on lil ol me; not exciting but true to my word I am.

Me

[Gunny376]

Is to take note of what mistakes you made, identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement.

 

Her? She's not sitting around thinking about you ~ she's got other things on her mind ~ in short she's already moved on, and you need to do the same.

 

What I would advise you do ~ is spend this time (while your healing and recovering) improving yourself (which you are) in regards to acquiring the necessary skill set(s) that you need to be successful in relationships with women. Goggle "Alpha Male" and Carlos Xuma. I would also highly recommend Goggling "Light Her Fire" Check out MarriageBuilders and hang around here.

[Dream_For_Love]

[QUOT/]Her? She's not sitting around thinking about you ~ she's got other things on her mind ~ in short she's already moved on, and you need to do the same.

 

Gunny, from a woman's perspective, she isn't doing exactly what you're thinking. She hurts as much as he is. If I were you, DieselPRW, if you want to spend the rest of your life with her and love her, you need to ask and meet up with her and show her that you're changed. That's exactly what she needs right now is for you to step up and be the man (husband) for her. Sometimes, you have put yourself in our shoes to know how we feel about things. It doesn't mean she quickly moving on with her life in a day, nobody does.

 

Even me, I still care for my husband even though he did me wrong twice. He doesn't see me what I'm going through and I don't see him what he is going through. But I know we both hurt, but because of his pride he doesn't want me to see that. Instead of change the situation for the better, we avoiding it, finding the easy way out. Do you remember you took your vows? Do you know what they mean? To me, I know exactly what they mean. Many people who raise in this society tend to not face the problem and work it out, they just don't. That's sad.

[DieselPWR]

Dream,

unfortunately its not that simple as meeting up with her. I have been told by her father, brother and her not to call or show up to where she lives. I have been threatened by her should I attempt to contact her. I would love nothing more than to meet up with her, or to have her come by my house. I know that i am changed, but she has told me that it is too late for her to care. Its not a matter of pride, its a matter of respecting the other's wishes and intentions. Yes, I want her back, but as long as she says that she has no love for me, that I was a mistake in her life, etc, there is no sense in torturing myself for something that she has said many times that she does not want. She knows exatcly how I feel; I have told her that I want her back, that I am truly sorry for what she thinks that is wrong with me. But all of that doesn't matter to her. She dissappeared on me, moved out, and I have absolutely no idea where she is anymore. I don't even know if she is still even in the same city.

To answer your question about my vows, yes, I understand my vows and that's what hurt the most. I took a very serious vow to honor and cherish, till our days shall end. Yes, I know that it seems to you that I am taking the easy way out.Also, I study the bible, and if you look in Matthew 19. about divorce, and it hurt me bad. But, I have done everything in my power, aside from stalking, and harassing her. Both of our parents have each been married a very long time. So, its not a matter of society, it's a matter of personal choice. Her personal choice has been made, and she is sticking to her guns. Should she want to come back, it is my wish that I could work things out, and she is free to come back at anytime. But I am not going to sit up at nite, and drive myself crazy for something that I cannot control.

I wish it was as simple as you say it should be dream, I really do. I still care about her, and miss her. But, in respecting her wishes, as stated by HER, I am leaving her alone. If she comes around again, it will be up to her. Its not about being a man, or being macho. Its about repecting the others wishes. I love her enough to let her decide what it is she wants out of life. I understand where you're coming from, try and see my side and what is going on. All situations are different, and it takes two to make it work. I am willing to work on my end, but until she would decide she wants our marriage, there is no way to work.

Think about it in my situation, if you decided that you wanted nothing to do with your husband, and told him to leave you alone, what would you expect? Men are pretty simple creatures; if we are told something point blank, we take it for what we hear. We don't analyze deep into the situation. Its just like "No means No" If you are with a man, and you are getting physical (sex) and you decide at any point that you don't want to have sex with him, then when you say no, he has to stop. Its the same thing here, I was told to leave her alone, I am leaving alone. She knows my feelings, and it's in her court now.

[my_dream_love]

DieselPWR,

 

My husband had the same drinking problem. But I believe if you love someone so much, you would walk to the end of the earth for them. I meant have you even tried to talk to her brother or father and showed them how much you changed and want to make your marriage work? It's not that it is any of my business but if you truely love her, you gotta put effort into it.

 

She won't know you changed just simply with emails and phone calls. After all she is technically your legally wife. Meeting up and talk to her dad would help you find out where she is at unless she told you face to face that she does't want to see you or has anything to do with you. The reason I'm saying that is if she simply moves on, she would have handed you the divorce papers. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is my solely opinion.

[Gunny376]

[QUOT/]Her? She's not sitting around thinking about you ~ she's got other things on her mind ~ in short she's already moved on, and you need to do the same.

 

Gunny, from a woman's perspective, she isn't doing exactly what you're thinking. She hurts as much as he is. If I were you, DieselPRW, if you want to spend the rest of your life with her and love her, you need to ask and meet up with her and show her that you're changed. That's exactly what she needs right now is for you to step up and be the man (husband) for her. Sometimes, you have put yourself in our shoes to know how we feel about things. It doesn't mean she quickly moving on with her life in a day, nobody does.

 

I hear what your saying DFL ~ but usually when it comes to women leaving vs men leaving ~ the woman has left the man in her mentally, emotionally, and has made the break pyschologically long before she actually leaves physically ~ and thus it becomes more of a day of liberation than the reverse. She's already done the hurting, crying, etc. When the woman leaves (or the man for that fact) they're in effect saying "That's IT! I'm done! I call it quits!"

In my own particular case ~ we were separated for an entire year, before I got "tha papers" I know now tha even if she had came back it wouldn't have been out of love, wanting to make it work ~ it would have been out not being able to make it on her own ~ and not being able to find a suitable replacement.

 

Its a harsh fact ~ but its for real ~ the one that cares the least in the relationship ~ controls the relationship and the other person. That's not an absolute ~ but pretty close to it.

 

Diesel trying to show the in-laws and her that he's changed ~ won't work. Never has ~ never will, it just flat out won't work. For him to do so would make it so much bostering ~ almost bragging ~ and it is well documented how most women distest that. But, the primary reason it won't work ~ is that her BS defenses are up and fully maned. In her mind, he's already fooled her once ~ she won't be so easliy fooled again. At this point in the game he could turn water into wine before her very eyes ~ and she wouldn't believe it.

 

Going around the in-laws would be construed as trying to back-door her defenses. Or do an end-around ~ and will only lead to resentment and pour more gasoline onto the fire.

 

In the end, what changes you make D-man, have to be for you and you only ~ and they have to be made with the only end game objective of improving yourself, and your quality of life. If that brings the wife back into the fold ~ that's an extra bonus. What changes you have made and will make ~ to have any effect on the wife ~ would have to be an "A~Ha!" type moment for her.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "The time, effort, energy, money you would expend on getting this one back ~ would net you ten different other women ~ for 1/10th of the expenditure of time, effort, energy, and money!"

 

You, (nor did I) were not equiped nor trained to be married and to be in a relationship. We both got married in our early twenties ~ and that is the equiivalent of my grabbing you off the street, putting you on a plane to Iraq, throwing you into a combat unit ~ and telling you to have at it. (And good luck ~ by the way!) You'd have the life expectancey of about a minute ~ without the benefit of prolonged, repetative training.

 

For example the age old question of "Do I look fat in this?" to many men seems to be a retortical question that is impossible to answer ~ when what she's really saying is: "Do you still find me attractive?"

 

Many men never learn how to answer those type of questions ~ because they never "get it" what the question really is. (The answer is: "No! You look terrific in anything you wear! Why do you ask? {Whenever a woman asks me a question, I always follow it up with "Why do you ask?"}

 

And, yes! I learned that from Carlos Xuma the author of "The Secrets of The Alpha Male"

[DieselPWR]

Gunny has said it best, I have done what I can do. I am changing myself for me, and no one else. I feel so much better physically and spirtually its unbelievable; I have lost weight, I work out 5 days a week in the gym. My old self is dead, and the new one is alive and kicking. I do not believe that she is interested in things with us, hence I have left her alone. If she comes back, that is awesome, if not it wasn't meant to be. You had mentioned walking to the end of the earth for her. And I would, if I were asked. But I am not a throw rug, a doormat. I would do anything for her, but if I don't know what "anything" is, I can't and won't make a fool out of myself for something that she obviously doesn't want. I am going to respect her wishes, she wants out, I have to accept that. She comes back, I'll work on my marriage. But again I stress, I have done all that I can do at this point. You had mentioned that if she was really done, I would have gotten divorce papers. While I haven't recieved those, I have gotten the Separation agreement from her attorney. That's the first step in a divorce. That just tells me that she is serious about this whole thing, cause I don't think she would move out without telling me where she lives anymore, change her address, remove me from the cell phone bill, and leave me with all the household bills, PLUS pay $1000.00 for a lawyer IF she was trying to play games with me, to get me to beg her to come back. No, that's too much money, too much hassle to get back at someone. She has made her move, and I have to go along with it. I am not going to back door her and try to get anywhere with the in laws. I have recieved threats from her brother, and while we talked it out and actually agreed at the end. Her father is indifferent, but I am not attempting that route either.

I am not doing anything as Gunny said, to throw Gasoline on the fire. She is bound and determined that she doesn't want our marriage anymore, doesn't love me, wasted her life, etc.These are things that she told me. So, if in fact she was willing to work on things, don't you think that she would at least stop by the house, call me or e-mail me NON nasty e-mails concerning me, or my parents.

That's how I see things at this point. I still love her, yes, and would be willing to have her back in my home. But I think there is a better chance at winning the Lottery than that happening