Should i be weary of ex?

[concernedGFinflorida]

Hello all,

 

My question is pretty simple and to the point. I am in love with a wonderful man who I know loves me as well. My problem is his ex who wont stay out of his life.

 

From what he tells me, she never really got the hint and always had to hold on to something in their relationship to stay in contact with him. He just told me that his family is taking her out to dinner before Christmas. I don't know why, but this makes me very uncomfortable. Should it?

 

He says the ex initiates the contact with the family. And from what I understand and think, it is just because she is and will try to hold on to anything that associates herself with him. I do not feel this is right.

 

Am I wrong to be concerned about this? I just think if he were in my position it might make him a little uncomfortable as well. Although I want to tell him to take a stand and tell her to just stay away, I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. What do I do?

[Raven]

There are a few things that I found in this post very disturbing. One, unless they have an incredibly unusual friendship that has developed from their relationship, why is your b/f allowing her to contact his family?!?!?? And why is her family taking his ex out to dinner?!?!? This, to me, appears to be very strange behavior. I was a victim of a triangle, so I may not be the most objective person to give advice, but it has been my experience that nothing good comes from having another woman around your relationship. have you told your b/f how this makes you uncomfortable?!?!? What does he say?!?!?

 

Raven

Hello all, My question is pretty simple and to the point. I am in love with a wonderful man who I know loves me as well. My problem is his ex who wont stay out of his life. From what he tells me, she never really got the hint and always had to hold on to something in their relationship to stay in contact with him. He just told me that his family is taking her out to dinner before Christmas. I don't know why, but this makes me very uncomfortable. Should it? He says the ex initiates the contact with the family. And from what I understand and think, it is just because she is and will try to hold on to anything that associates herself with him. I do not feel this is right. Am I wrong to be concerned about this? I just think if he were in my position it might make him a little uncomfortable as well. Although I want to tell him to take a stand and tell her to just stay away, I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. What do I do?

[Laurynn]

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable/angry?/resentful?....

 

A few questions....

 

How long did he and her go out for?

 

How long ago did they breakup BEFORE he started dating you?

 

How long have you 2 been together?

 

What is his age, her age?

 

What do his family think of you/how do you get along with them?

 

Has he said how HE feels about his family still allowing her to be a part of their lives? Doesn't he find that a little strange/inappropriate?

 

Does he himself still have any contact with her?

 

Laurynn

[Kiz]

I would need answers to the questions Laurynn posted.

 

 

 

The answers would affect how I view your situation.

 

 

 

Note, however, that exes can be good friends and no threat whatsoever will actually exist.

 

 

 

My current SO is best friends with an ex he dated when they were 18/19. I can't stand the situation based on stuff I know about her. But, the bottom line is that I trust my SO.

 

 

 

I think she's flaky and altlhough getting married next year to her current live in, I wouldn't put it past her to make a play for my SO should her relationship falter (boundaries are not her strong suit, IMHO). But, I know she would lose my SO as a friend, b/c he cares for me (but, I must admit, I am only now learning to believe and accept that...like Raven, I've been burned.)

 

 

 

If you haven't been seeing him for more than a month or so, I don't think you are in a position to ask that you have dinner with him and his family. If you've been dating longer than that, I think you should feel comfortable telling him:

 

 

 

1. That his ex hanging out with the clan is a bit much

 

 

2. That his ex might want to cut back on the contact out of respect for you

 

 

 

It may also help to hear from some of the gentlemen on this site. Any advice, guys?

 

 

 

Kiz

[BeenThere]

You should be weary of the "ex" as well as your boyfriend!

 

I gathered from your post that he already stated his ex-girlfriend's motives..."that she is unable to let go." Therefore, it is clear that he is more than aware of them.

 

My question would be, "why hasn't he said or done anything about it?" Unless he has an unusually dysfunctional relationship with his parents, I'm sure they'd understand his concerns and make an effort to keep her at an arms length if they supported his relationship with you. The fact that he says and does nothing means he is either spineless and easily manipulated by other people and his family; is flattered by this woman's persistence; or is keeping her on the sidelines just in case.

 

Unrequainted love can become a dangerous thing in the psyche of someone who is emotionally unstable. It's what turns ex-lovers into stalkers. If your boyfriend remains ambivalent towards his ex's behavior it may escalate rather than *just go away*. She's not about to fade into the background as long as he keeps giving her hope to hang on. You boyfriend must be firm, perhaps even "cruel" to give her the shove in the other direction she needs. And I would extend the same advice to you! Time has come for an ultimatum...Get rid of the baggage, or GET OUT!

Hello all, My question is pretty simple and to the point. I am in love with a wonderful man who I know loves me as well. My problem is his ex who wont stay out of his life. From what he tells me, she never really got the hint and always had to hold on to something in their relationship to stay in contact with him. He just told me that his family is taking her out to dinner before Christmas. I don't know why, but this makes me very uncomfortable. Should it? He says the ex initiates the contact with the family. And from what I understand and think, it is just because she is and will try to hold on to anything that associates herself with him. I do not feel this is right. Am I wrong to be concerned about this? I just think if he were in my position it might make him a little uncomfortable as well. Although I want to tell him to take a stand and tell her to just stay away, I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. What do I do?