morality of old man - young woman relationship?

[biospirit3]

Your opinions, please, on the topic of intimate relationships between consenting adults of very different ages (for example, between a single 60ish male and a 26 year-old single female, not in an employment situation). Is there a religious or moral principle (not reason or logic) that stipulates that such relationships are or should always be considered to be immoral? What is the philosophical or religious basis for that? Such relationships certainly are the butt of much sarcasm and condescension in our society and the media.

 

Or, are the negative reactions only because people feel that broader societal acceptance of such types of relationships as “normal” somehow threatens them personally? (Sounds like “emotional reasoning” rather than “moral principles” to me). Or threatens the fabric of society generally? (the supposed “slippery slope” to general moral decline). How much of a role does envy play?

 

Many “logical” generalizations, based simply on probabilities and assumptions about other people’s lives, are put forth why these May-December romances are bad, e.g., “It’s ‘only’ about sex, power, reliving one’s youth, and/or money.” Or: “Those people couldn’t possibly be compatible or have enough in common to make it last.” Or, “Why would any young person of sane mind do that, knowing their older partner will likely die or become sexually incompetent first?” Or, “People at age 26 are too young to evaluate such situations accurately and maturely.” Is this a reason for broadly rejecting, as a society, all such relationships?

 

Societal acceptance of intergenerational relationships among consenting adults seems to be growing somewhat. Do you feel they still should be considered unethical or immoral, and why?

 

Can any bookworms out there cite any psychological research on this topic, or suggest some keywords that would be useful for searching for journal articles?

 

Also, if you’ve been in that kind of relationship or similar, I’d appreciate hearing posts of both the positives and negatives of the experience. (P.S... I’m not looking for advice, just diverse perspectives).

[HokeyReligions]

Isn't the Christian Bible full of people who gave their daughters to men for marriage? Men can produce sperm a lot longer than women can produce eggs and be fertile and history has lots of cases where old men marry young women for the purpose of reproduction.

 

Socially the age difference is important because of matters of compatibility where a woman is an equal part of the marriage. What do the generations have in common otherwise? Its hard not to slip into a parent/child role, although today's standards and expectations and technology may make it easier. Plus there is the thought that a younder woman is gold-digging and doesn't love the man and/or that the man is being foolish/childish/senile and is being taken financially. But who knows? If that's how he wants to spend his money let him! Who says money can't buy love? Or at least a facsimilie thereof!

[norajane]

It was common practice to marry young girls to older men throughout history...the reverse, though, is much less common and still far more taboo today.

[Tony T]

This is a problem that has only come up in recent evolutionary time. Centuries ago, people's lifespan was much shorter than it is today. So evolution has come up with new rules, new situations, etc.

 

Biologically, males look for healthy females for the purpose of procreation. An older male would know that a young female would have a better chance of producing healthy, strong offspring. It's totally immaterial that we've developed means of fooling nature by having intercourse all day long without the worry of pregnancy. haha!

 

I think if two people of sound and clear mind enjoy each other's company, are of legal age and have no other psychological or physicial barriers that would keep them from enjoying the person of their choice then they should do just that.

 

There are MANY women I encounter who much prefer older men who don't give them the same BS the younger ones do, have the financial means to take them to the finish line, are not totally preoccupied with sex and show them other satisfying aspects of life and are mature and settled.

 

There's somebody out there for everyone, regardless of age. I don't find any aspect of immorality in the age equation if everybody is of legal age and nobody is forcing themselves on the other...do you?

[HokeyReligions]

Awe, how sweet Tony! I used to believe that there was somebody for everyone.

[Curmudgeon]

Can any bookworms out there cite any psychological research on this topic, or suggest some keywords that would be useful for searching for journal articles?(/QUOTE]

 

"May-December relationships" or "age-disparate relationships."

 

Not a bookworm, just older!

[Tony T]

Awe, how sweet Tony! I used to believe that there was somebody for everyone.

 

Not sure what you meant by this but I changed my post to reflect your grammar...I'm only guessing that's what you were saying here???

[lindya]

I don't see much morally wrong with a 26 year old woman marrying a man in his 60s, but I'd be dubious about the prospects of it working out. Too many potential gaps socially and culturally. The only thing, though, that I'd feel morally entitled to judge would be the prospect of them having children together. How would a man approaching 70 really have the energy (and inclination) to help cope with a young child? It seems pretty selfish to parent a child, knowing that you're unlikely to survive to the end of his/her adolescence.

 

Taking children out of the equation - I don't really see the problem. Two consenting adults etc. I suspect moral judgements arise in terms of the unspoken issues. eg did he ditch his loyal wife of 45 years for this young woman? As far as a 26 year old not having the emotional maturity to make good decisions goes...twenty-six is definitely adult-aged. At that age, the person has had time to go to university, graduate and work for a couple of years. If they haven't joined the adult world by then, they probably aren't going to.

[Outcast]

Is there a religious or moral principle (not reason or logic) that stipulates that such relationships are or should always be considered to be immoral?

 

It's not that they're considered 'immoral' so much but that it may indicate issues with maturity and possibly family issues. It seems bizarre to people that someone would want to have sex with someone the age of their own child or grandfather since the gap in wisdom and knowlege is so vast.

 

I suppose some older people enjoy the role of teacher or surrogate parent to people vastly younger; me I wouldn't have the patience to deal with someone who still has to figure simple life matters out yet like how to negotiate a contractor's bill or who to call about tax problems.

 

Plus, the mutuality of shared experience is missing. It's pretty much impossible to have a decent discussion about world affairs or science or cultural events with someone who hasn't learned much about any of them yet and I thrive on good discussion.

 

There are MANY women I encounter who much prefer older men who don't give them the same BS the younger ones do, have the financial means to take them to the finish line, are not totally preoccupied with sex and show them other satisfying aspects of life and are mature and settled.

 

Right. And don't expect a thing of the men. I'm guessing that without this

the financial means to take them to the finish line

, those same women wouldn't be nearly as interested.

 

And that's the other reason that people look askance at relationships with vast gaps in age; it's not all that likely that one or the other person isn't being 'used'. The older person generally has more wealth. The younger is usually better-looking and so the older person's friends might think the older person's hot stuff. But everybody knows what's really going on and it's kinda sad.

[lindya]

.And that's the other reason that people look askance at relationships with vast gaps in age; it's not all that likely that one or the other person isn't being 'used'. The older person generally has more wealth. The younger is usually better-looking and so the older person's friends might think the older person's hot stuff. But everybody knows what's really going on and it's kinda sad.

 

Oh! This has just reminded me of something I saw in a park in Thailand. There was a guy of about 60 or so with a young Thai girl. She can't have been much more than 18. I know Thai girls often look younger than their age, but as well as looking young this girl had a gauche air about her.

 

He was holding her hand as one would hold a limp fish. She wasn't even attempting to look anything other than utterly miserable, and he kept telling her "Smile, smile! It's a holiday!"

 

That little scene stuck with me for quite a few days.

[Outcast]

And you know that the used party is in active denial that the relationship is not about being used. What's sadder than Trump and his latest chippie? I suppose if your outlook on life is purely utilitarian - he gets young body parts and she gets megabucks - you think it's ok. I never was a follower of hedonic calculation, myself.

[amaysngrace]

I've never studied psychology, but I would think that a young woman who seeks out an older man may have issues with a disconnection from a paternal figure in her life. And is, therefore, looking for a father.

[Nicholas]

an older man presumably knows a lot more about how the world works and how people work. if he were to use that knowledge to manipulate a younger, less-experienced girl, i would consider that immoral.

 

other than that, i don't think it's a moral issue really. it's more of a cultural one. hokey gave some good reasons why people might look down on it.

[Guest]

I think there is a scripture about treating younger people in the faith as "sons" and "daughters." So, I think there is a danger of those many years older and "wiser" of taking advantage of younger folks. I'm not saying this is the case all the time but I think it is a danger and the bible does ask people to treat younger ones more like sons or daughters.

[scaredinlove]

I am involved with a man 29yrs my senior, he is the sweetest person on earth and I love him, sex is incredible and we do understand each other very well even with the gap.I do have fear that I will lose him ,but being younger is not a garantie that I will live longer. Peolple look at us alot when we are out someone even asked if he was my father, and he answered yes I am. It can be scary and frustating because I want the time to stop for him so I can caught up.We are very happy our main issue now is that we are both married to someone else. The age is a problem there because he says he is too old to start over, he is afraid of many things.I am still in the stage were everything seems possible. We are deeply in love and honestly if we were available I would marry him in a heart beat.Nobody understood me better in my whole life.Well, that is my story.