Did you marry for chemistry or security?

[Storyrider]

I am a wife who has been struggling in my marriage lately with some of the issues others have been posting about, especially problems with attraction and sex within marriage, fantasizing about other men, etc.

 

Sorry this is a bit long.

 

My husband is the most amazing man. He is one of those people who, when you look into his eyes, seems to beam out goodness and Godliness. When I met him I was in my early twenties, and coming out of a very confused time in my life. I was raised in an agnostic household which was very empty spiritually. Since age sixteen, I had been using drugs and in and out of a series of dishonest relationships, where one or both of us cheated or wouldn't commit. I certainly had low self esteem and had also come to the conclusion that nothing much mattered because everyone was out only for themselves.

 

Meeting my husband was a huge turning point in my life. He taught me about God, honesty, and character. He made me believe that life has meaning and purpose. He basically helped me become an adult and gave me the tools my parents and druggy friends couldn't give.

 

All that being said, our sex life has been messed up since the minute we were married, if not before. He is ten years older than me and very religious. We waited until marriage to have intercourse although we messed around alot. At first, his personality and character, and the newness (being in the infatuation period of the relationship) was enough to keep me excited. But that wore off quickly and ever since I have felt conflicted about sex. I remember that even my very first impression of him was, "Wow, what a handsome face. What beautiful eyes. if only he would cut his hair, update his wardrobe, work out and gain about twenty pounds." He did get rid of his clothes that were fifteen years old when we met. He was leading the life of a nerdy bachelor (he even had tape on his glasses! Lol!) and of course after being married for over ten years he takes care of himself better, but lots of his core habits remain the same. I pushed aside my first impression and the superficial things that bothered me because he was such an incredible man. But the superficial stuff never ceased to bother me, I just stuffed it down. He has a very slender, small build, kind of like Eric on "That 70s Show". His arms are very thin, which is what bothers me the most when we have sex. I feel like I can't relax because I have these tapes in my brain that turn themselves on and won't shut off. I have this editor in my head that lists the things I want to change about him and it gets very loud when we are having sex. So, we have sex very rarely. Drinking helps. I have asked him to work out, but he would rather spend the time with our children when he is not working. He is not unathletic, and definitely not a couch potato (he never watches TV) it is just he has a runner's build. He jogs and does push ups, sit ups, etc. But he won't take the time to go lift weights. He says the amount of work it would take to change his build and then maintain is more than he wants to spend. He also thinks it is my ego that wants to control and change him and that it is not coming from a loving place--basically that I just want to mold him to my exact specifications. There may be some truth to this but it doesn't help me get past what is bugging me. When we are out I sometimes compare his body to those of other men and he looks so skinny and bony to me. I don't want some big bruiser, just someone whose arms and shoulders are broader than mine! (I am not a big person.)

 

I was wondering about others out there. Did you marry for chemistry with someone and just cross your fingers that they would be a good husband and father (or wife/mother) or did you marry the person of character and take a loss on the sex. Or were you able to find both? Thanks for reading.

[Outcast]

You marry a person of character, and the love and passion you feel because of his character is what makes the bonding of sex so amazing - whatever he looks like. You are making love to the person, not to the bundle of skin and bones which contains the person. As long as you both have nerve endings and most of the necessary parts, lovemaking is divine with someone you truly love.

 

'Chemistry' is a biological response to someone's pheromones and, sometimes, appearance. However 'chemistry' wears off after a while and if you haven't got love to back it, you may sustain a sexual relationship but not emotional intimacy.

 

I suspect that what's missing in your life is emotional intimacy. A good counsellor can help you develop it.

[ridingthebulls]

Well come on. There must have been some type of chemistry in the first place or it is just like marrying a "friend", which usually never works out too well.

[Storyrider]

Yes, Ridingthebulls, there was certainly some chemistry. Maybe not enough, though.

 

I think I do (or did) have chemistry like Outcast is describing, that came from loving him as a person. But I think it is best to have both kinds--the kind that comes from loving someone's spirit, but also the kind that comes from just wanting to jump the person. I have had that with two of my ex boyfriends. But only in glimpses with my husband. When I have lustful thoughts it is almost never about him. But when I think about who I would want to talk to if I was sad or confused or needed advice, he is the one. I just think it would help our relationship if I lusted for him more. It would definitely help his sex life.

[MrDarcy]

From your post, it seems you're more or less obsessed with these superficial issues. Could this somehow be related to the issues in your past? It seems you still have some insecurity issues. The way you feel about your husband is related to those issues. You want a good looking husband to show off to your friends, so that you can feel better about yourself. The problem lies within you. Changing your husbands physique may take away the symptoms to a certain degree but will not remove the cause. It is unfair to blame your husband for your problems.

Whether a couple has both chemistry and security is seldom related to whether they are good looking compared to the social norm.

[whichwayisup]

Did you marry for chemistry or security?

 

Ofcourse sexual attraction was part of the reason why I started dating my husband, but I knew from day one that it was long lasting love. We've grown together, become part of eachother's lives in everyway.

 

Sure, the sex isn't the same as it was in the beginning but I find, especially right now, it goes in waves...Sometimes it's amazing and exciting, just like day one and other times it's not. Life gets in the way at times and sometimes sex is the last thing on list. If a relationship doesn't have balance, in and out of the bedroom it won't last long.

[quankanne]

You marry a person of character, and the love and passion you feel because of his character is what makes the bonding of sex so amazing - whatever he looks like.

 

good gravy, outie, it's like you live in my brain sometimes; you express exactly what I want to say but sometimes can't!

 

chemistry is what brings two people together, but there's something more that keeps the relationship going, and that something is character. Look at all those lovely, pretty, attractive women who keep themselves in fine form, but are married to old, not so hot counterparts. Security? Maybe. But I'd bet my last dollar that those average Joes are giving those cutie-pies something that other men can't, and the women don't care if he DOES look like ET's younger brother.

 

in my not-so-humble opinion, your husband sounds like a really nice guy, who keeps himself in relatively good shape so that he can be there for you and the kids. If he looks like Eric Foreman ... well, Eric's a cutie, with a good heart. Surely you can program yourself to look past his physical shortcomings?

 

as outcast writes, a person's character and your attraction to it is what makes the physicality of your relationship stand out, even if the sex sometimes is lacking, isn't great or doesn't exist. So maybe the problem isn't what your man looks like, but that you're not happy, and it's manifesting itself as hating his not-so-hunky build?

 

just some food for thought ...

[Storyrider]

Thanks for your kind responses.

 

I think you are right, Mr. Darcy, that I have insecurity issues. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts, some of them very negative and very hard to ignore.

 

quankanne, my husband is a cutie and a good guy, as you said. He has countless wonderful qualities. I wish I could just cast aside the problems I have relating to him. I have often vowed to make a fresh start and not have these doubts any more, but the uninvited negative thoughts keep coming back. I have told my husband I would like to go to counseling, even just by myself, but he says that I have not really decided to change by taking action (i.e. initiating sex with him on a regular basis) and that until I have taken action to change, counseling won't do me any good. He believes that counseling often allows the patient to blow off steam through talking and that the necessary actions never take place. He says the counseling would just provide another escape hatch for me to avoid what I need to do. (Why does he have so many strong opinions about this, you may wonder. He is a philosophy professor, and so thinks everything through very thoroughly.) I wonder how I could convince him that a good counselor would help me? What is the type of counseling that focuses on changing someone's behavior?

[Outcast]

He believes that counseling often allows the patient to blow off steam through talking and that the necessary actions never take place. He says the counseling would just provide another escape hatch for me to avoid what I need to do. (Why does he have so many strong opinions about this, you may wonder. He is a philosophy professor, and so thinks everything through very thoroughly.)

 

And evidently not a professor of psychology or he'd know a lot more about the purpose and effects of counselling.

 

I wonder how I could convince him that a good counselor would help me? What is the type of counseling that focuses on changing someone's behavior?

 

Well, most do, but REBT (rational emotive behaviour therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) are, as you can tell by the titles, therapies about changing behaviour. Perhaps you can hunt up some information on them on the Web and then show him what you find. I gather the point about him not believing in counselling is that he won't pay for you to go?

[alphamale]

You are making love to the person, not to the bundle of skin and bones which contains the person.

Would you make love to Fat Bastard from Austin Powers? There are some people who look like that, you know.

[Storyrider]

Outcast, thanks for the info. Yes, cost is a factor for us, but I think if I were insistant about going he would not stand in the way. It is just I would rather go with his approval and support, if possible.

 

He has been out of town with our children visting family for about ten days while I stayed home to catch up on some work. This has been an amazing opportunity for me to take a breather from full time child raising and also get some time to think, as I had not been alone like this in my own house for seven years, since our older daughter was born. They get home tomorrow night. I do miss him deeply, his conversation, etc. but I feel a bit disturbed that I am not missing him in a carnal way. Shouldn't I be eagerly anticipating sleeping with my husband after ten days apart? It isn't that I have zero sex drive because I do have fantasies. Just not about him.

[Storyrider]

Just to briefly let anyone know who is wondering, things have been better since he came back. I think I missed him more than I thought. He looked good to me. He gained a couple of pounds while he was gone, and even that slight a change made a difference for me. I think on a guy that is 5 ft 8 and weighs 140, a couple of pounds gained can really have an impact. I hope my saying this doesn't jinx it as my feelings seem to blow with the wind sometimes. I can get caught up in fantasies or fears that can completely throw me for a loop. I continue to be interested in the various threads about sex, desire and marriage, so you may see me there.