London Girl Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 My ex dumped me in January 2006 after 2 years together for no particular reason apart from the fact that he had doubts and was unhappy. Between Jan and mid-May we saw each other on and off. Between mid-May and July we had no contact whatsoever. I also found out during this time that he signed up on an internet dating site. I contacted him soon after this time (July) to arrange to pick up my stuff from his house. When I met him, we chatted about general stuff, he paid me lots of compliments, we went cycling and ended up sleeping together. Anyway I told him that I see him perhaps in the after life, as I was reluctant to see him again - I was tired of being hurt again. Anyway he tells me that he still thinks about our relationship and would like to see me again once he gets back from sailing which was a week away. When he got back from his sailing, he emailed me to see whether I wanted to go and watch a film. I was surprised that he was already arranging to meet up. Anyway, I met up with him, had dinner, saw a film and had a great time. As usual he was being flirty, affectionate and we ended up sleeping together again. During these two meetings I never asked him how he felt about me or talked about our relationship or whether he wanted to give our relationship another go. I did not want to pressurise him. When he dumped me he said he felt our relationship was too intense. I just don't know whether he wants to get back together with me or if he is just stringing me along. He's a shy guy. I don't know if I should give him an ultimatium or just go with the flow to get back the fun in our relationship and hopefully drift back together again. He did say when he dumped me that the fun had gone in our relationship. I still very much love him and to me he is the "one". What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 London, I m from Edinburgh. Please to meet you. I think your ex is leading you on. I also found out during this time that he signed up on an internet dating site. Should be your calling card. If he is happy with what he`s got (I mean you) then he wouldnt be looking about would he? My ex did something similar before she split up with me. I knew she went back on the internet site where we met, and met another guy there and they stuck up a conversation. A month after that she dumped me, and like you. Gave me no particular reason why. He did say when he dumped me that the fun had gone in our relationship. Remember you already have been dumped, and sleeping with him is giving what he wants, and thats just sex. Your`e just friends, and nothing more so stop sleeping with him. Give it time, I m sure he`ll meet someone else on the internet, and he`ll have nothing to do with you after that. Why not bring up the fact that you need to be in a relationship to make love, and not just sex whenever he feels like it, and bring up the fact about him being on the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
heartnsoul Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 I think the sleeping together is a verrry bad idea! For him it's a bit of 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' Not saying that he doesn't care about or love you but I would try not to confuse filling a void (no pun intended) with having a meaningful commitment. Until it's discussed further ... I would most definitely refrain on the extra's he's getting from this 'friendship?' And dare I say ... NC until you can decide whether or not you're OK with him (possibly)telling you that he can't pursue the kind of relationship you actually desire. Just don't sell yourself short, that's what I'm trying to say Link to post Share on other sites
sirjay Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 The classic advice: he will never know what it is like without you and really experience loss while you are still in contact. not just the sex but the contact overall. you clearly have a lot to offer him but you are not giving him any reason to miss you or to change. it depends how strong you are, but from a psychological standpoint, the best thing you can do is tell him you want everything or nothing and start NC. tell him as long as he is undecided and looking on websites etc, you ARE decided that you don't want him. he will freak out. you might need to be patient, but it will be the real litmus test: if he really wants you, he will come back and you will have more control. don't give in too easily. be a prize. its not easy but it works. nothing is more likely to make him appreciate you and come back than that. its human nature. we all want what we can't have. its hardwired into us and it is irrespective of intelligence. even when you understand this behaviour, its very hard not to obey it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author London Girl Posted July 30, 2006 Author Share Posted July 30, 2006 Thanks for your replies. I did do no contact for about 9 weeks but then I had to contact him to pick up my things. To me that was closure for me. But when we met up again, he was being affectionate etc. towards me. Regarding the internet, I know that he has not emailed any girls since we met up again during those two times (don't ask me how I know, different story) . So I thought I test him. If after meeting up again, he continues to emails girls then I know he was not serious about me but the fact that he has not since we last met up gives me hope. Another thing is he asked me out 7 months after his wife left him but he is since divorced. He tells me that I am not a rebound for him and that he even loved me more than his ex-wfe! So I was thinking maybe he is just scared of commitment and being extremely fussy in finding his perfect girl. He did say when we were dating that I am his perfect girl but just has doubts about me. I know I should do as Sirjay suggest about the all or nothing but I'm scared of loosing him for good. Do you think by giving him an ultimatium, he will come back? Link to post Share on other sites
sirjay Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 its impossible to say what he will do, but being strong and not backing down is your best chance of finding out where you truly stand with him. if he doesnt make a decision, you will know with certainty and you can get on with your life. dont get me wrong, its very very hard. i have been dealing with the same kind of things. its better to try to do it than not do it at all though, i think. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Ultimatums usually don't work. I urge you not to use this tactic. Besides, actions speak a whole lot louder than words. This guy has demoted you to a casual fling. You didn't sign up for this but you're accepting it now. Big no no if you want to respect yourself. My suggestion is go no contact and don't explain why. Move on with your life. If he figures it out later, so be it. There's no reason to put yourself through string along valley while waiting for him. It just doesn't work this way, I'm afraid. Men don't respond to ultimatums or security blankets. They do respond to no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author London Girl Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Thanks Daphne. I've got a feeling my ex will contact me again to watch another film as he mentioned it when we last met. I even told him that he should watch it with his mates but he said he rather watch it with me. What shall I do if he does? I have not been in contact with him whatsoever since we last met 3 days ago. I just don't understand him. He knows how I feel about him but yet he is giving me mixed signals - he says he cares about me but if you really care about someone you should not put them through their wishy washy behaviour? Do you think he might want to get back together but is too shy or has too much pride to say so or am I being too optimistic? Link to post Share on other sites
kulyok Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Talk to him as a friend and only as a friend. Just pretend he had never been your lover, never will, and you do not have any feelings towards him. No physical contact, either. Meet him, if you like, but don't really expect anything and start dating other guys non-sexually. Don't tell him about it: you'll gain new confidence, and he'll see it in you. If, in two months or so, he doesn't start talking about how you are his darling and how he wants a relationship, dump the loser. Works every time. Seriously, it sounds like all he wants is sleeping with you, and you don't want just that, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Sun_Conure Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Oh, I am in the same kind of situation. My ex bf contacted me persistently for 6 months after our break up. Sometimes I would move on, forget about him, get busy with my life, then he would appear. What I noticed is that he would get scared to really and finally lose me, so when he feels threatened (like when I begin dating, etc.) he would call and offer almost a relationship. Unfortunately, at those times I am usually not that interested. Anyway, the point is I tried to have this FWB with him, as he requested on the pretense that it will lead to "something more." It did not work. I noticed that his interested declined significantly. So I broke it off. Now I am trying to move on, stop contacting him on my own. Thus, I would recommend NC and/or no sleeping with him. My question is it is a good idea to even take his phone calls or should I just ignore him completely? Link to post Share on other sites
Author London Girl Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Sun_Conure - so did you do no contact with your ex before he started contacting you again? How long did he wait before he contacted you? What does FWB mean by the way? It is difficult to read their minds about what it is they really want. I'm tired of playing mind games. I've decided not to contact him or initiate any meeting up but if he contacts me then I will meet up with him and be confident and happy to show him that I am not moping after him. I guess I am trying to weane myself off him until I don't want to see him again. I have also decided not to sleep with him! He cannot have it both ways. I was thinking of giving him an ultimatium but as Daphne said, it's not a good idea! My friends say he needs to win me back and if he does not then he is not worth it and not that serious about me. Regarding your phone calls, I guess it depends if you want to get back together with him. If you do, I would personally take his calls but keep it short but don't you call him - let him do the chasing. It feels so easy giving advice if I only I could follow them - it's so hard when you love someone! Link to post Share on other sites
Sun_Conure Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Sun_Conure - so did you do no contact with your ex before he started contacting you again? How long did he wait before he contacted you? What does FWB mean by the way? FWB = friends with benefits (aka just sex, casual sex) I am trying not to initiate any contact (including emails, textmessages, phone calls) with him. I blocked him on msn messenger and sometimes I do not respond to textmessages. Also I usually never call back. So usually, it takes him around 2 weeks to call me. Last time when I actually did NC, he called me 4 times a day: first he left a voicemail, then called every hour untill I took the call. He said he just wanted to say Hi Now I am not sure whether I want to continue anything with him. It seems he does not have a good moral character and is likely to abuse power. I am doing NC for myself and to see when he will come back and what he will offer this time. Also I decided to stop being emotional and just plain say that I do not want to hear anything about FWB again and if he mentions it I will hang up. And I am going to actually do all of this this time We'll see how it will go ... So far, I wrote him am email last Wed stating that I do not want this FWB anymore and mentioning that it would be great never to see him or hear from his again (in the subject area). On Th I had my last portion of the bar exam and he knew about that. So on Fri I got a textmessage from him with congratulations. Like he still cares By the way, he knew about my graduation but did not congratulate me with it. I see it as a sign that he will call again in the nearest future Link to post Share on other sites
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