I thought I believed him

[carol]

I was with my ex for ~4yrs and we lived together for most of that time. Our relationship was never perfect but he was my best friend and I loved him very much. About 6 months ago we broke up because I had good reason to believe that he was cheating on me with a girl that he goes to school with. He has always denied that anything happened with her. About a month after we broke up, we started seeing each other once again and I pretty much believed that he had been faithful. During the time that we were first broken up, I accepted a job promotion out of state (as an oppurtunity to get away from him). When we got back together we both knew that I would be moving away after a few months and we decided that we would keep in touch via e-mail, phone and as many visits to one another as time and money would permit. We also said that we would each see other people during this time but that if we were still in love with one another next year when he graduates from college, he would move to where I'm at and we would get married. The problem is that ever since I moved here (1 month ago) I have had nothing but time to think about everything that happened between us. I feel like there is so much evidence of him cheating on me, even though he still denies it to this day. I don't know what to think and I am so angry and confused that I don't even want to talk to him. He is expecting me to visit him soon and I don't know if I should try to get over my feelings of betrayal or just get over my feelings of love for him. What do you think???

[Totally Confused]

that's a tough one, because i can tell you this guy does love and care about you. what is the proof that you have that he's definitely been cheating? men cheat for different reasons and it's not because he doesn't love you. it's because there is a lack of respect for women in general and lack of control over his other little (and if he is cheating) very

 

little, pathetic guy. does his father have a history of cheating? in most cases, like father like son. these are questions you have to find out. men do not cheat for the same reasons women cheat. when a woman is in love with a man, she won't even look at another guy or touch another guy. she only has eyes for her man. even if he doesn't satisfy her sexually, she won't cheat, she'll buy a vibrator instead, but usually if she's in love the passion is there whether the sex is good or not. if a woman feels neglected by her man, just not in love with him anymore or if she's not emotionally fulfilled by him, she will cheat. a man will cheat, as i've said, if he sees someone who he finds attractive and he doesn't have strong will power and she's willing to put out, if he's not sexually satisfied in bed w/ his girlfriend/wife, if he's an extremely sexual person who just can't control himself. These of course are no excuses what-so-ever, but they are true. your bf is never going to fess up. he doesn't want to lose you. the fact that he's not showing guilt and can lie w/o flinching should make you worry. it gets back to my original point, that he may just not have respect for women in general. How does his father treat his mother? that's ultimately how you are going to be treated by him? now the decision is yours to see if you want a man who is capable of doing something like this to you, loving you or not. if he is cheating and you find out for certain, i would say you should leave him, because his issues go a lot deeper than the cheating part. there are lots of guys out there who have total self control, cause they're able to way out there options. they'll say, that girl is a knockout and i'd like to sleep with her. then they'll think, the only problem is if i go for it and sleep with that girl, i may lose my gf and i would never want that to happen. i'll just have to say no to what my little guy wants. the guy you end up with, should look at you and say, there is no one else for me. i have no desire for anyone else but you. don't you want that too. if you do, then don't settle. you have to take care of you, cause no one else will, they're too busy taking care of themselves. I hope everything works out for you.

[Cynthia]

The idle mind is the devil's playground. Why is it that you felt perfectly comfortable with him...comfortable enough to date other people and still expect to have a relationship (it might be possible if you love eachother enough)...up until you were physically separated from him? It sounds to me like maybe you're having a bit of separation anxiety that will probably go away with time.

 

You have to understand that all these thoughts and doubts aren't really the truth. They're thoughts that you have created. So if you're not a paranoid schizophrenic, you should be able to control them. Being that they have the potential to cause friction between you 2 if you discuss these feelings (that for all intents and purposes probably have no basis in fact), try writing things down in a journal. Just write down all your suspicions, feelings, etc. All of it, as many pages as you can possibly spit out. Then, set it aside for about a week and go back and read what you wrote. If it still makes sense to you, go with your gut. If it looks kinda untrue and maybe as if the argument is shaky, go with the guy.

 

Best of luck!

 

C

[Drew]

I can imagine what you have been saying as i have had somthing that has bee more or less the same with me?

 

I have been involved in a light but long distance Relationship of about 6 months or so:Anyway before that i have/was in a relatonship with a woman for 2 years.This relationship i had for 2 years ended when i caught her in bed with someone else whilst i returned from a hard day's work.

 

About a year later i heard that the woman from the first relationship of 2 years had concived a child and was settled down at last,Naturally at the time i had a file-full of feelings for this woman,But everytime she ever seen me she tryed to cause me a lot of trouble like, For instance. before i decided to undertake a new relationship I found comfort in friends and loved one and decided that there is no-one for me and that i will never met anyone again

 

Well eventully i did and i was happy,At so i believed.My relationship includes a point like yours as well,Long-distence.Which mean's that i have to have cash and

 

time as your's truely.But my first Girlfriend is still trying to hurt me too because she believes she still loves me

 

I believe that you should follow your heart and talk it through with your partner,At first it will be hard but you can see if he is the same

 

You Can feel free to e-mail as well me if you need any more advice,I am a councillor by day and a internet nurd at night,So please feel free to e-mail at <e-mail address removed>

 

got to go

 

i hope it works out

 

Andy

[carol]

Thanks for all of the encouragement. The problem is that I have no way of knowing whether he cheated or not. What makes me think that he did was that he was spending alot of time with a girl who was in his classes at school, studying with her, giving her rides home etc. I tried to be cool about it at first but then she started giving me dirty looks and so I started questioning him about her. He always told me that I had nothing to worry about. I trusted him because we are really close, our sex life has always been great, and I am alot better looking than her. Then one night he told me he was going to go out with the guys and I found out that he did go out with the guys to where he said he was going to, but she went with them. His friends told me that she hooked up with another guy that was there but I feel like they are just covering for him. I know my boyfriend has done the same for them in the past. what do you think?

I can imagine what you have been saying as i have had somthing that has bee more or less the same with me? I have been involved in a light but long distance Relationship of about 6 months or so:Anyway before that i have/was in a relatonship with a woman for 2 years.This relationship i had for 2 years ended when i caught her in bed with someone else whilst i returned from a hard day's work.

 

About a year later i heard that the woman from the first relationship of 2 years had concived a child and was settled down at last,Naturally at the time i had a file-full of feelings for this woman,But everytime she ever seen me she tryed to cause me a lot of trouble like, For instance. before i decided to undertake a new relationship I found comfort in friends and loved one and decided that there is no-one for me and that i will never met anyone again Well eventully i did and i was happy,At so i believed.My relationship includes a point like yours as well,Long-distence.Which mean's that i have to have cash and time as your's truely.But my first Girlfriend is still trying to hurt me too because she believes she still loves me I believe that you should follow your heart and talk it through with your partner,At first it will be hard but you can see if he is the same

 

You Can feel free to e-mail as well me if you need any more advice,I am a councillor by day and a internet nurd at night,So please feel free to e-mail at <e-mail address removed> got to go i hope it works out Andy

[Totally Confused]

What I think is that you have absolutely nothing to worry about, until given a reason. I think she has a crush on him and I think he considers her one of the guys. You have nothing to worry about. His opinion of her is already made. The fact that she hooked up with another guy in front of him, proves he doesn't care and probably never will. The only thing that could chase him to her now is you putting a bug in his ear, which I don't even think that would do it. Check out the frequency of their hangouts. Is it once a week or once a day. Do they talk on the phone constantly. Is he calling her or is she calling him more. Those are some clues as how to see who's interested in who. With any of my guy friends, I never talk to them more than once a week, but my female friends I talk to 2 or 3 times a day. The reason I don't talk to my guy friends as much is because I don't want to lead them on and I don't feel as compelled to talk to them. In any relationship between a male and female who are just friends, one always has more feeling than the other. It's very rare that feelings are mutual. This girl can try to steal him away from you, but all she is going to get is a lesson in frustration. He's already made his decision, and it's you, so believe him, until you've given reason to believe otherwise. The more this girl sees she can't win his heart, the harder she's may try and the more annoyed he will become of her. Sit back relax and just wait and see. No one should be accused of a crime they didn't committ. It sounds like he's being honest and if you really love him trust him. This is a good test for the two of you.