Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 When I found out that our friends (who I'll call Mister and Misez "M") were adopting a baby from Ethiopia? I was happy, happy, and happy for them. They'd struggled with infertility and decided to become parents in spite of that pain. The first country of choice was India...but was quickly ruled out because of anti-depressant restrictions. So Ethiopia was a good selection for several reasons (1) FAST REFERALL and (2) FAST PLACEMENT. Again, I was very happy for them. I'll never forget the day that sweet child came home...It was the type of moment where you get to watch the future just open up in front of you. It was amazing. They were so happy I felt certain that they'd make ideal parents. In fact? There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Now, I'm not going to deny that infertile couples have challenges unique to adoptive families, but in my opinion? A parent is a PARENT. No matter what. A mom's a MOM. A dad's a DAD...well; a BAD PARENT is a BAD PARENT no matter what. Little things are adding up and now my head is full of doubt, dread, and anger for that sweet child's miserable future because she has two lazy, selfish, & self-righteous parents who ignore her, neglect her, and never want to spend any time with her! She only gets attention when she misbehaves and even then it's a passive 'Hey, don't do that "MmmmKay?' THAT'S IT!!! I don't know what to say and I don't know what to do...I feel helpless. Link to post Share on other sites
mariJane Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 well first off, how do you think its neglected etc, what like you r worst example? are you a parent? anyhoo, parenting is rough, every parent will F up sumthin sometimes, so just make sure you are correct, how much time do you spend with them?? enough to see what?? thats what would decide what you do. and check yourself, k peace out. let me know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Yes, I am a parent. We have a three-year old son. Our friends neglect their daughter by leaving her unsupervised to wander around the fenced-in back yard, leaving her in her room for hours, putting her in hazardous situations like a full bathtub or swimming pool BY HERSELF, leaving her alone in a locked car to run errands, letting her do dangerous things without any sort of guidance...You know, immanent death, that sort of thing. We don't trust them to watch our child. Not even for a few moments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Oh yeah, one more thing. Mister and Misez 'M' leave thier little girl in daycare from the moment the center opens at six o'clock in the morning to the moment it closes at six o'clock at night five days a week no matter what. Sometimes she gets shipped off to the grandparents in the country for several weeks at a time frequently and often. Her Mom is always (1) Shopping (2) Going to the Spa or (3) Visiting with Friends and bragging about what an awesome parent she is and her Dad is too busy (1) Reading (2) Watching television (3) Running (4) Playing Computer (5) Playing X-Box or (6) Avoiding Misez X to see his daughter...AT ALL! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Next time you see her alone in a locked car or a pool, call the police. They'll make sure it never happens again. Link to post Share on other sites
Great Gazoo Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I read about something like this before. could it be that because the child is from Ethiopia they maybe having second thoughts. It has happened before when after awhile the parents realize this baby, how much they want to love it will just never fit in and seem like theirs. Maybe Outcast has it right, phone the cops and let the authorities sort it out next time. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 If the child's welfare is at risk then call the authorities. Link to post Share on other sites
seven Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 posted by blind_otter: If the child's welfare is at risk then call the authorities. Absolutely! The child does not have a voice to speak out for him/herself. It would be neglectful of YOU not to report it. You may be that child's saving grace. Contact a child protective service agency locally--you can even keep it anonymous if you wish. Even if you only "suspect" that a child has been abused or neglected, they (or local authorities) should be notified. There is a National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD if for some reason no local one. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 putting her in hazardous situations like a full bathtub or swimming pool BY HERSELF, leaving her alone in a locked car to run errands, letting her do dangerous things without any sort of guidance.. in the State of Texas, by law you are required to report incidents (or daresay suspicion) of neglect or abuse. I would imagine that holds true everywhere. look, it sounds like this could be differing parenting style from yours, but if they are doing crap like leaving her in a locked vehicle or unattended in dangerous situations, it's your responsibility to contact the authorities because you are in the know. Much better to blow the whistle and be wrong about it than to end up attending that child's funeral. Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Have you ever said anything to the parents? Like, if they left the child unattended or any other time that you've witnessed their neglect? I have a friend who is a horrible mother too. Everytime I saw her let her daughter do something that was dangerous I'd tell her about it. Like the time when she thought the baby might be able to sky dive, I told her something to the effects of... "never again let the baby out on the terrace alone. She was trying to climb it Moron, if I see that again I'm calling child services!" Eventually, the Dad took over custody. I think you should definitely report them. Even if you do it anonymously. Adopted or Biological, abuse is wrong and someone who knows should do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
aljc123 Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 thats a tough situation if you are good friends. i would have a word, not about everything as a whole as that would be too overwhelming, but take it a small step at a time for eg. "you know i saw on the news about a little kid that got snatched from the garden when the parents werent watching, it would kill me if anythning like that happened to my child dont you think?" theyll have to reply yeah then you could follow it with "i cant help but notice sometimes you leave little (fill in name here) unattended in the garden.. arent you worried sometimes that something could happen?" and take it from there Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 I'd say after the first couple of weeks since Baby "M" came home there was something a little 'off' with her parents. Mister M seemed to withdraw more and more and he seemed reluctant to do anything or go anywhere with his little girl. At first, I thought 'new dad jitters-he's scared he'll screw up'-but no, he just seemed like he no longer gave a damn. It was like all the enthusiasm he had before the adoption was gone. Misez M seemed like she was in 100% denial about his behavior too. She'd go on and on and on about what a great Daddy he was and how involved he wanted to be...and yet MY HUSBAND and MYSELF were the ones going to playtime functions with Misez & baby M, and as time progressed? We were the ones who took her trick or treating, took her to watch the fireworks at July 4th celebrations, helped her wrap gifts on Christmas Eve, hunted for Easter Eggs, watched her blow out the candles on her cake-etc...All those things our friend was notably absent from for no good reason. He'd usually be 'out doing stuff' or 'Oh he's downstairs online!' We used to do a LOT of things with Mister M. He was the best man at our wedding, and he grew up with my husband, we are all from the same hometown. We've known him a LONG LONG time, and he's NEVER been like this...EVER. I can no longer turn my back on this situation and just pretend it doesn't exist. Also, Just wanted to say thank you for all the advice I appreciate the imput and it really helps to get a different perspective on things. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 How old is ths child? I don't think I have ever been an advocate for child services on here , but if in fact this childs life is in danger you should report it . Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Is this more emotional neglect, or physical neglect? There is a big difference. The thing about adoptions is that parents assume they will automatically bond with the child when she arrives in their home. Unfortunately this is hardly ever the case. A lot of times prospective parents have an elaborate fantasy in their heads about what parenting will be like, and when confronted with the reality of the difficulties involved with parenting, they will respond with various coping mechanisms. it sounds like this mister is in depressive withdrawal. Have you thought about confronting him with his withdrawal? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Next time you see her alone in a locked car or a pool, call the police. They'll make sure it never happens again. This bares repeating. Just last night was yet another news story here about a child (2-3 yr/s old) who left the family home and managed to get into the family car - where she was found a short time later dead from the heat. They didn't know she went outside. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I'd say after the first couple of weeks since Baby "M" came home there was something a little 'off' with her parents. Mister M seemed to withdraw more and more and he seemed reluctant to do anything or go anywhere with his little girl. At first, I thought 'new dad jitters-he's scared he'll screw up'-but no, he just seemed like he no longer gave a damn. It was like all the enthusiasm he had before the adoption was gone. Misez M seemed like she was in 100% denial about his behavior too. She'd go on and on and on about what a great Daddy he was and how involved he wanted to be...and yet MY HUSBAND and MYSELF were the ones going to playtime functions with Misez & baby M, and as time progressed? We were the ones who took her trick or treating, took her to watch the fireworks at July 4th celebrations, helped her wrap gifts on Christmas Eve, hunted for Easter Eggs, watched her blow out the candles on her cake-etc...All those things our friend was notably absent from for no good reason. He'd usually be 'out doing stuff' or 'Oh he's downstairs online!' We used to do a LOT of things with Mister M. He was the best man at our wedding, and he grew up with my husband, we are all from the same hometown. We've known him a LONG LONG time, and he's NEVER been like this...EVER. I can no longer turn my back on this situation and just pretend it doesn't exist. Also, Just wanted to say thank you for all the advice I appreciate the imput and it really helps to get a different perspective on things. Kinda sounds like the novelty and romance of being parents wore off quickly when they realized that its a lot of work. Put in an anonymous tip to CPS and keep your eyes on the child -- sounds like she's not lacking for love from you and that is at least one wonderful thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 I feel ashamed because I've always thought of 'parental neglect' as NOT feeding, or improperly caring for a child's physical needs-like diapering, bathing-that sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, Baby M always looks like a million bucks...Misez M does her hair up in braids day & night. She could have jumped off a 'Baby GAP advertisement or something...in fact? She's not allowed to play in the sandbox because she might get "too dirty" and Misez M even makes a big fuss about not letting her have sugar! Yet she doesn't seem to mind if she toddles towards a busy road...or chews on an extension cord...or pops open a medicine bottle and "COUNTS PILLS"???!!! It's always the same excuse too. It's always, "Oh well, it's because she's so SMART. She's gifted you know? Oh yes, we are going to sign her up for Suzuki violin lessons! Um...Hey? Where is she anyway? Whoopsie! THERE SHE IS! Over by that roaring fire pit...Say? You don't mind if she opens up that gasoline can do you? Ooops, Careful sweetie! Don't get ouches...Now where DID I put my glass of wine?" Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I feel ashamed because I've always thought of 'parental neglect' as NOT feeding, or improperly caring for a child's physical needs-like diapering, bathing-that sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, Baby M always looks like a million bucks...Misez M does her hair up in braids day & night. She could have jumped off a 'Baby GAP advertisement or something...in fact? She's not allowed to play in the sandbox because she might get "too dirty" and Misez M even makes a big fuss about not letting her have sugar! Yet she doesn't seem to mind if she toddles towards a busy road...or chews on an extension cord...or pops open a medicine bottle and "COUNTS PILLS"???!!! It's always the same excuse too. It's always, "Oh well, it's because she's so SMART. She's gifted you know? Oh yes, we are going to sign her up for Suzuki violin lessons! Um...Hey? Where is she anyway? Whoopsie! THERE SHE IS! Over by that roaring fire pit...Say? You don't mind if she opens up that gasoline can do you? Ooops, Careful sweetie! Don't get ouches...Now where DID I put my glass of wine?" Damn! This sounds like the M's must be related to my Moronic ex friend. The neglect wasn't physical either, it was neglect in the sense that she wasn't ever watching after her daughter. I think you should say something to the misses. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 You know some people have no common sense and not all people are born with parenting skills. This may not be neglect on purpose. Perhaps you should intervene ASAP in a positive fashion. Order some parenting mags for them, buy them some books, make small talk about things you read that "you just learned"....... Ya know through adoption or via the humpidity hump all kinda of stupid people who lack common sense become parents. I do agree if the child is in immediate physical danger you need to step in with the authorities. I have to wonder if they got this kid because "it is in to have kids" Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I do agree if the child is in immediate physical danger you need to step in with the authorities. I have to wonder if they got this kid because "it is in to have kids" It does kinda sound this way A4a. Just like the toy pups everyone was sporting. Now Pooch is being neglected or kicked out. Link to post Share on other sites
seven Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Our friends neglect their daughter by leaving her unsupervised to wander around the fenced-in back yard, leaving her in her room for hours, putting her in hazardous situations like a full bathtub or swimming pool BY HERSELF, leaving her alone in a locked car to run errands, letting her do dangerous things without any sort of guidance...You know, immanent death, that sort of thing. We don't trust them to watch our child. Not even for a few moments. Yet she doesn't seem to mind if she toddles towards a busy road...or chews on an extension cord...or pops open a medicine bottle and "COUNTS PILLS" Oh yeah … I’m sure parents that do the above will certainly take the time to read and improve themselves via parenting magazines and books. Hey maybe taping all the "Supernanny" episodes for the parents would help too. Where is she anyway? Whoopsie! THERE SHE IS! Over by that roaring fire pit...Say? You don't mind if she opens up that gasoline can do you? Ooops, Careful sweetie! Don't get ouches...Now where DID I put my glass of wine?" Zeeboo -- Are you by chance exaggerating some of these events? Because the tone here sounds sarcastic. I will respond as if you’re not. It is understandable to be confused about what actually constitutes neglect. Most of us don’t know. My understanding is that Child Protective Services should only ask you questions first to see if it even deems further investigation. It’s possible it may not come to that, but even if it did, CPS does not WANT to take kids away from their families – they are trying to protect children’s well-being. For the most part, I believe they try to work with families, getting them counseling, etc., to try to make people better parents and stay together. They only take children out of the home when there is imminent danger—as they should. I still say call anonymously and ask general questions, but be prepared to give specific examples. I’m sure they are used to people feeling their way through this process. If you can’t bring yourself to call them, perhaps try a local family counseling center for over-the-phone advice. Good luck with all this. Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I's possible that your friends just really haven't got a clue how to cope with a small child or how to care for and protect a toddler. I don't have my own children, but I spent a lot of time with my nephew when he was 2 years old, I found it a huge challenge, and my sister pointed out that she had already had two years of training 24 hours a day and was therefore much better at it! Maybe your friends are struggling because they haven't had to care for the child since birth and have therefore missed some fundamental learning. I think if you really have concerns for the childs safety you have to take some action, but it might be worth trying to offer some support and advice before reporting them to the authorities. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 Mister M didn't show any interest in becoming a parent until our circle of friends started having babies. Frankly, I always assumed he be child-less by choice. When our son was born he took a huge interest in infant care that I haven't seen him express since. He came to the hospital the day our baby was born held him and just busted out crying. (He never cries) It was very touching. Mister M also wanted to know all about proper infant care and he asked my husband all sorts of questions about what it's like to be a Dad. Of course he was happy when Baby M came home...but since then? He's distant and seems uninterested in his family. His wife seems like she's about to come unglued under all the 'Oh no really! Everything's JUST FINE! Just fine!!!! No Really...we're great, it's GREAT, we're GREAT!' Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I really think it is an adjustment issue on the part of the father. It is difficult for men to bond with their biological children, much less adoptive ones. Many men don't bond with their biological children until well after the child is born and nearly done with infancy. It's a common problem. If you are a friend, you should gently ask him perhaps in private if he has had issues bonding. Point out the very obvious withdrawal. Perhaps your husband could do this since men seem more open to talking to other men. Instead of complaining about it you really should do something if this child's welfare is truely at stake. Otherwise I would tend to wonder why you bothered being upset in the first place. I'm just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
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