Am i a b*stard?

[gordon_gc]

After a tough break up with my exgf 8 months ago, it took me a while to date or see other girls again.

 

I can now say i am in total denial of relationship and only consider being with someone but only "for benefits" (ie: sex, hanging out at restaurant, cuddles). In some way, I behave like I would be in a relationship but i don't want to commit, I don't want to be exclusive, I don't want to have to justify what i do, I want to keep my independance.

 

I ended up seeing a girl on that basis for the last 3 months. From the beginning, I've been pretty clear about all of the above with her and she was ok with it. In between, I also started seeing 2 other girls on that basis but it is recent.

 

Anyway, the "old" one now want a commitment from me and is starting to act weird. I really don't know what to do as I like her...I'm just not ready for a relationship ( I don't think i will ever be again indeed).

 

What should i do? Am i a bast*rd or just scared of relationship?

[The slayer]

In my opinion you are either a bastard or scared of being in a relationship, just a guy struggling to get on with his life after a bad breakup.

 

You have been honest with this woman and how ever nice she may be don't let her push you into making a commitment you are not ready to make.

 

Your best course of action is probably to end things with this girl, if she wants a commitment from you now that is unlikely to change in the future and I would guess the pressure that will put on you will only spoil anything good you two have had together and hurt her more in the long run.

 

It is not your fault if you were honest with her and she just hoped for more, but letting it continue is going to make her very unhappy and bitter in the long run.

[TJettman]

In my opinion you are either a bastard or scared of being in a relationship, just a guy struggling to get on with his life after a bad breakup.

 

You have been honest with this woman and how ever nice she may be don't let her push you into making a commitment you are not ready to make.

 

Your best course of action is probably to end things with this girl, if she wants a commitment from you now that is unlikely to change in the future and I would guess the pressure that will put on you will only spoil anything good you two have had together and hurt her more in the long run.

 

It is not your fault if you were honest with her and she just hoped for more, but letting it continue is going to make her very unhappy and bitter in the long run.

 

I agree with slayer. If you can't or won't make a committment, let her go so she can get on with her life. You have to remember there are two of you here. She has feelings too.

[lindya]

Anyway, the "old" one now want a commitment from me and is starting to act weird. I really don't know what to do as I like her...I'm just not ready for a relationship ( I don't think i will ever be again indeed).

 

You didn't specify what the "weird" behaviour from her is. Does the behaviour suggest that she's hurt or confused? That wouldn't really be weird...it's a pretty normal reaction to someone you really like not wanting to deepen their relationship with you.

 

Casual, FWB or whatever other label you'd put on your situation with her doesn't prevent it from having most of the elements of a romantic, intimate relationship....and that's where hurt and confusion can set in. There's a good chance that this girl feels that because of the label and boundaries you've placed on the relationship, she's not entitled to have any expectations of it...or of you.

 

By caving into the pressure to be cool and avoid making any demands on you, she might be encouraging herself to believe that she's actually not worth an awful lot. Perhaps her friends are in stable relationships with guys who refer to them as "my girlfriend"...but for whatever reason, she's not getting that. Maybe because she's just not good enough. Somehow worthless in comparison to other women who manage to find men who want to commit to her?

 

I don't know what's going on in her head, but I know that the conflicts I described above went on in my head when I was in a very shaky relationship with someone who didn't want to commit. Talking to friends who've been in similar situations, I've found that they very much related to that perspective. What we've all had in common has been this desire to see ourselves as "cool and low maintenance"....but in constantly telling ourselves that that's who we are, we start to suppress very real emotional needs. Tell ourselves that we're not entitled to have those needs or to express them.

 

This is why I tend to look askance at FWB situations. Whilst they're presented as being "healthy, casual, cool, fun" etc...it's often the case that their continuation results in underlying, unaddressed feelings of devaluation for one party or the other. Most usually, I'd say, for the woman.

[newbby]

good post lindya, i think most women can relate to that.

i think gordon, that you need to end it with her for this reason. it doesnt matter what you have told her, if you have noticed she is wishing for more than you can offer her, then ending it is the right thing to do.

[28yroldFemale]

Good news! As long as you are upfront with the old and the new girlies you are NOT a b*stard. Telling them you do not want a serious or even exclusive relationship should be enough. Being a female myself, I can tell you they probably think that you'll change your mind....but that's the risk they are apparently willing to take. Have fun...do your thing...but be honest w/the ladies.

 

PS- you will eventually meet someone you like SO much that you will want an exclusive relationship.....no worries....all in good time.

[Tenorman]

"By caving into the pressure to be cool and avoid making any demands on you, she might be encouraging herself to believe that she's actually not worth an awful lot.

 

This is why I tend to look askance at FWB situations. Whilst they're presented as being "healthy, casual, cool, fun" etc...it's often the case that their continuation results in underlying, unaddressed feelings of devaluation for one party or the other. Most usually, I'd say, for the woman."

 

You sure are a smart lady Lindya. However if what you say is true then the implication for anyone conducting FWB relationships is that they are on the road to becoming a bastard. Further, if they are 'unlucky' enough to read your post then they can no longer plead ignorance as a defence.

[Guest]

i think that you need to speak up and tell her how you feel.

I am currently in this situation too, and i feel so unappreciated and unworthy.

It really screws with your head, one minute you are happy when they pay attention to you the next you become so down when the ignore you, don't call etc. Let her go and put her out of her misery. She can meet someone who will give her the love she deserves and you will have more opportunities to meet people who are at a same place as you in their lives.

[loose_end1975]

You need to be honest with her. And be fair. The fact that guys tell women at the begining that they're not interested in a relationship and then proceed to act just like they are in one just confuses us.

If you think this woman is a good person and your friend, treat her as such. Don't mess with her head. Tell her kindly why you can't commit to her. Chances are she took some of your behaviour (especially if you exchanged confidences and talked regularly)to mean you were changing your mind about not having a relationship (sue us, it happens!)

And chances are this girl is slightly in love with you so don't be cruel. Just be honest and let her down easy. If you run and pull the delinquint guy avoidance 'she'll get the message' crap, then yes she will remember you as a bastard.