When a girl wants to be your friend after a breakup - think this

[johnnytable]

Warning, I'm making some gender generalizations here! I know that many situations are very different and there are many different circumstances.

 

You've seen it a million times. A girl breaks up with a guy, he goes NC, and then a few weeks or months later she is contacting him to be his friend. This of course confuses the heck out of the guy because he doesn't know if she wants him back or what is up.

 

First of all, I don't believe that they want you back. Even if they did after only a few weeks, why bother with somebody who is so careless with your heart? What really changed during these weeks that will result in lasting happiness? The fact that you ignored them?

 

I'm going to make some generalizations here:

 

-When a girl is deciding whether or not to beakup with her man, she gets concerned over how things will be after the breakup. She wants to keep the guy around for the good qualities (friendship) while not having to stay with him or commit to him. She knows that there is a risk in breaking up, but deep down inside she often hopes that there can be friendship. This of course removes most of the pain and guilt from the breakup and makes it easy for her. It would be a win win situation for her. She is not concerned about her sex supply.

 

-When a guy is considering a breakup with a woman, he is more concerned about where he will get sex from. The guy already has a good set of friends and doesn't need to be friends with his ex. This I think is why guys often test the waters before breaking up to make sure that they can get what they need.

 

So when a woman calls her ex after a few weeks or months to "be friends and not have sex", I think it is like a guy calling his ex to "have sex and not be friends"

 

The latter seems ridiculous and therefore you don't hear about it happening too much. However I think it is about as ridiculous as the "friends" line. Both parties are trying to get the part that they wanted to keep from their relationship before breaking up.

 

If a men thought that they could breakup and keep sleeping with their exes for the rest of their lives, there would be a lot more breaking up happening! If women *knew* that they would be cut off when they broke up with their bf (this typically happens eventually, but for some reason women don't seem to think it will happen at the time) then I believe there would be a lot less breaking up happening!

[The slayer]

....I think you are right!

 

I have never tried to remain friends with any of my exes. I don't believe that an ex can ever truly be a friend, in any valuable sense of the word. There was always a reason for the breakup.

 

Friendship that is actually worth having as opposed to someone you just know, requires quite a lot of love, repect and commitment, if you weren't able to give that to each other when you were still together t's highly unlikely you will be able to once you have split up....especially once sex is taken out of the equation as many of us are quite happy to overlook the absence of respect in exchange for a good orgasm!

[loveinlife]

Good analysis Johnnytable.

[josie54]

Then again, if being good friends was all that was needed to be in a love relationship, then there would be a lot less breaking up overall as well.

While I think the analysis is a good one in general, I also think it misses one vital aspect--sometimes people are better friends than lovers. Sometimes a "friend" bond is there, but not the "intimate partner" bond.

 

I'm great friends with my fiance, but I'm considering breaking up with him because I don't feel "more" than friendship. So I'm left with two options:

 

-Break up with him because I don't feel for him what I should to be in a long-term intimate relationship--and then lose him as a friend forever.

 

-OR I could stay, but then feel as if I'm in the wrong love relationship, because I feel as if we're "just friends," and cheat him out of a relationship with a woman who could possibly love him fully as he deserves.

 

 

By Johnny's analysis, I'm screwed both ways.

[johnnytable]

You are not screwed!

 

-If you stay with him, then you have a good friend, but not a lover. If you are okay with this then it is fine.

 

-If you leave him, then you loose a friend yet GAIN the opportunity to find the lover that you desire. This is not a total loss.

[Winfield]

When a girl wants to be your friend after a breakup...be a man and say "no"!

 

See? Simple and uncomplicated!

[agnf666]

Haha, I have it the other way around. He wants to be friends with me and I'm like. Good Bye Loser!

[Confuzzled85]

Same here, I have it the other way My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me over a month ago, and he still wants to be very good friends. He txts/emails or sees me nearly every day (as we work 2gether) In a way I dont mind as hes an amazng person and I wouldnt want to lose him from my life, but on the other hand it makes it hard for me to get on with things I guess... any thoughts? or has this happened to anyone?

[Mollyanna]

Same here, I have it the other way My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me over a month ago, and he still wants to be very good friends. He txts/emails or sees me nearly every day (as we work 2gether) In a way I dont mind as hes an amazng person and I wouldnt want to lose him from my life, but on the other hand it makes it hard for me to get on with things I guess... any thoughts? or has this happened to anyone?

 

Same situation here. He put us on a break 3 weeks ago, but still wants to be my bestest friend. He just called 4 times this morning already to make sure I got up in time for a meeting I have today.

 

I want to spend every moment with him, but that is because I still want him as a boyfriend. I am not sure why he wants to be friends. According to the original poster, the guys just want sex? But that is the only thing we AREN'T doing right now!

[johnnytable]

I was making a generalization. It sounds to me like these guys are just stringing you along. Obviously you can't move on when they keep contacting you, so they do it because you let them.

[basscatcher]

OMG were you talking to me directly JT.?

 

I broke off my relationship about 3 months ago. He continued to persue me for the past 3 months in which I did give in and go out with him several times during those 3 months. In the last month he pleaded with me how much he loves me and that he wanted a second chance and with that I I felt smothered, confused, undecieded and needed to go NC..

 

I have been pondering breaking my NC to see how he is doing but I keep thinking if I do that I will hurt him again, I will lead him on, I am still confused and don't want to open a door I closed.

 

I do miss him and all the things we did together and he wanted to do together but I seriously question whether or not he was sincere about being able to fullfill me NOW after 9 months of suffering.

 

I'm afraid I might push him into the friends role and he will push for me in which we will start a huge cycle of games..

 

I want the contact for the fun of him in my life but I don't want the pressure of having to trust him to be able to fullfill all aspects of a intimate relationship.

 

I am forcing myself to continue NC..

 

This thread only helped confirm I need to hold tight to my NC and not break my own rule..

[LaraV]

Same here, I have it the other way My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me over a month ago, and he still wants to be very good friends. He txts/emails or sees me nearly every day (as we work 2gether) In a way I dont mind as hes an amazng person and I wouldnt want to lose him from my life, but on the other hand it makes it hard for me to get on with things I guess... any thoughts? or has this happened to anyone?

 

Same problem here. When my ex broke up with me, he explicitly said that moving forward he could only offer me a platonic friendship and could not be "intimate" with me "because that would be misleading." He then went on to say that he hoped he could still talk to me because he "respects" me a lot. Honestly, I was like, WTF?

 

I dunno, I think some men don't want sex, they want to keep the friendship - but I think the friendship thing would kill me. Hence my strict adherence to NC since two months ago after the break up. Sigh.

[Mollyanna]

I dunno, I think some men don't want sex, they want to keep the friendship - but I think the friendship thing would kill me. Hence my strict adherence to NC since two months ago after the break up. Sigh.

I don't know how you do it. I can't even go a few days without talking to mine. And when he tells me that if he was going to be with anyone, it would be me, that just makes me hang in there and wait, probably foolishly... Maybe I should just pretend he is gay. I wouldn't hold onto hope for a gay guy, would I? I am about as likely to change him as I am to make a gay guy straight.

[LaraV]

I don't know how you do it. I can't even go a few days without talking to mine. And when he tells me that if he was going to be with anyone, it would be me, that just makes me hang in there and wait, probably foolishly... Maybe I should just pretend he is gay. I wouldn't hold onto hope for a gay guy, would I? I am about as likely to change him as I am to make a gay guy straight.

 

Oh Molly, I swear it kills my spirit and soul to not pick up the phone and call him just to ask how he's doing. I guess what "helps" me is that he's got an incredible resolve and I think even if he missed me, seeing that he doesn't love me, he probably figures there's not point in contacting me. It KILLS me though! But I know it's the only way for ME to get better.

 

And I can relate to the gay thing. Believe me, I've thought about it, and I just know that if tomorrow he called and said he was gay, I would be able to move on from this so quickly. Sometimes I think to myself - oh god, let him be gay, and I swear I'll go save whales or orphans or something. Then I realize I'm in the "bargaining" stage and realize that he most likely is not gay, and he just doesn't - and never did - love me. So I get stuck in depression again. Booo...

[Mollyanna]

ahhh the bargaining stage... yeah I did that - even with him. told him one night drunk that I would be to him whatever he could handle just so I could be close to him. felt like a complete moron later. thank god he didn't take me up on it. i threw myself at him one night practically and we almost had sex, but thank god he stopped it. he said he didn't want me to hate myself for it later. We have been talking every single day. some days he calls me in the morning and again to say goodnight. I know i should tell him to knock it off, but well... can't I enjoy it until I meet someone else - if I ever meet anyone else?

 

Sorry you are depressed. its been a struggle for me too. today i was so proud of myself because I actually left my house to get an oil change, mail packages at the post office, and got my hair cut. That is more than i have done in the entire last 2 weeks combined... I work from home so I can just hide in this house forever....

[Diver012]

If a girl that dumped me wanted to be my friend.. I would have to answer:

 

I need friends like you like I need another hole in the head...

 

or something along those lines.. I think it largly depends on the circumstances of the breakup though... Its not an absolute rule, but real damn close...

[Confuzzled85]

Im like you its so hard to move on, I dont think me Ex is using me or stringing me along well I hope not, even thou he has said he wished we met later in life?!? Well anyway he just wants to be very good friends, he says I am the only one he can spend a lot of time with and not get annoyed, and trust to tell things. Is it so bad to not want to lose someone from your life that you get on really really well with, and that cares about u deeply even though they claim not to love you anymore?

Believe me I know its going to be hard, when Ive still got some feelings inside me, but as someone said on another thread my heart and head are pulling me in different directions, my head is saying, there is not point in wanting him, I would always be worried it would be over again, or he would be trying again for the wrong reasons, and my heart is saying he was your first true love the first person you done anything with and you shouldnt give up on that...

Well its been over a month since we split up, and things are getting better, ive started the gym to keep me occupied and go out with friends more, I am due to go on Holiday in a couple of weeks with him, and im again in 2 minds... does anyone have any advice atall?....