if you truly want to say goodbye

[Guest]

You were the dumpee. The ex appears to have no more caring for you and broke off contact and its been months since that happened with NC. For your own sanity, can you write them and wish them the best? Can you be the better person and say whats in your heart and mind? I don't need any answers, no replies. I just want to truly release myself of their memory and the pain of the relationship by offering something honest and true of myself.

[LaraV]

You were the dumpee. The ex appears to have no more caring for you and broke off contact and its been months since that happened with NC. For your own sanity, can you write them and wish them the best? Can you be the better person and say whats in your heart and mind? I don't need any answers, no replies. I just want to truly release myself of their memory and the pain of the relationship by offering something honest and true of myself.

 

If it would help YOU and you really don't have an ulterior motives for sending such a letter, I'd say go ahead and do it. I think it could be very cathartic.

[tearful_soul22]

i don't see any harm of writing to them and wishing them the best. who knows, the possibility of a platonic relationship is possible. a word of caution though..unless that person is with someone else now, your nice gesture wouldn't be warmly appreciated. it's a risk you take. so, i wish you good luck on that and i hope it works out!

[quankanne]

write it ... but don't send it. Rip it up, put it aside someplace for later perusal, but don't send it. Because your ex is the one who initiated no contact, and doesn't need the closure that you do on this relationship.

 

you'll still get your feelings on paper, it'll still be cathartic, yet you won't be trying to drag out the relationship with just "one more contact" when it's not wanted.

[KittenMoon]

write it ... but don't send it. Rip it up, put it aside someplace for later perusal, but don't send it. Because your ex is the one who initiated no contact, and doesn't need the closure that you do on this relationship.

 

you'll still get your feelings on paper, it'll still be cathartic, yet you won't be trying to drag out the relationship with just "one more contact" when it's not wanted.

 

Or better yet, mail it but put the address as something ridiculous like "Santa Claus, North Pole" and no return address.

 

Maybe the act of writing and mailing will seem more real to you than just hiding it away.

[navybrat]

I do think you should write a letter, but please never send it! It will help you to write it, read it and re-read it, but I promise you...you will regret sending this letter to your EX.

 

I did this, after I was broken up with. I thought I would prove to him that I had "moved on", was capable of being mature and the "bigger person", etc. Even despite the fact that he was the one who left me.

 

My letter was heartfelt, touching, kind, etc. I did not receive any response at all and it broke my heart all over again! It crushed me and made me feel terrible. I was angry at him for not responding and even angrier at myself for sending the letter!

 

I'm certain that I appeared weak, "needy", etc. And I'm sure I inflated the SOB's ego, ten-fold!

 

It's up to you, however, if you are thinking somewhere in the back of your mind that it might jolt your EX out of realizing their mistake and taking you back...do not do it.

 

Good Luck to you! I promise...this will pass with time. But perhaps you should spend that time and effort writing the letter...on yourself instead!

 

And, if they do "come back"...let them do it. Afterall, THEY were the ones who looked us in the eye and said they don't want us in their lives. We weren't "good enough" for them...so why should we attempt to contact people who hurt us?

 

We need to have some pride of our own!

 

Take care!

[Guest]

I'm doing this for my final peace. That way, whatever she thinks of me, however she reacts, however she views me in the future, I truly accept all that has happened. I think it's an act of unselfishness that can provide me a bit a comfort and to let that person know that there is someone out there who doesn't harbor ill feelings.

 

Here it is...

 

X,

 

Before you read this, please know that my decision to break contact with you was one that I discussed and weighed heavily. I do this not because I seek a response or second chances, nor do I wish to disrupt any peace that you may have found in the time since. In the end, if I get the courage and actually send you this letter, please know that I did it with the best of intentions.

 

In the last two months since we parted, I have done some very deep reflection on all the things that happened between us. At times, it was a sobering and at times it was a difficult experience. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was an experience well worth taking as all journeys of this nature allow us to be stronger for the future paths we must all travel down. To be completely honest, and all pride aside, I saw a therapist to give myself a greater perspective on all of the things which happened in our short time together. In that time I learned much about myself and our time together.

 

I guess that’s why I’m writing this letter…

 

One of the things I’ve learned is that our words have power. Our words can irretrievably harm those we care about or they can heal the deepest wounds and provide comfort during the darkest hours. I know that, for my part part, I said many things that I have regretted which I know were hurtful. I also know, that in the time since, I can either selfishly walk on and let you go with hurtful words, or I can provide something good and strong to pass between us. If you’re reading these words, I’m taking the second option. The world is full of broken hearts and shattered faith, I do not wish to have a role in either.

 

With that said, please allow me one last moment to leave the past with dignity and respect for the both of us…

 

On Saturday evening, I saw you at the Outlaw. I don’t know if you saw me or not, but if you did, I displayed a variety of emotions which made me feel uncomfortable and which were probably easily seen on my face. It was the first time that I had seen you in two months and I’m sure you’ve been in situations where you aren’t quite sure how to deal or handle it properly. Not knowing how to react, I remained silent and went on my own way.

 

Looking back on it now, seeing that life has gone on between us, and after two months of reflection, I truly accept all that has happened between us. And with that acceptance, comes a realization that I want share with you. That realization is simply this… that despite all that has happened, I would never want you to go through life thinking that I was bitter or that I harbored bad feelings against you. Quite the opposite.

 

I want you to know that I’m not angry. I was deeply saddened that our ending wasn’t on better terms. But I’m not angry.

 

I understand that you do what’s best for you and that’s all that really matters to me. Since we live in a fairly small town, I hope that if you should ever see me out there someday, and whether you speak to me, wave, walk away, etc., that you know the truth. The last thing that I want is for you to move on thinking that I didn’t care or that I don’t respect you.

 

I have said before that you’re a strong person and as such I know that you’ll take this experience, learn from it, and come out even stronger than before. My sincerest hope, however, is that if someday down the road this page of your life comes to mind, that you remember my apologies and the words I wrote to you about the kind of person you are. Those words may have been lost because of the chaos of our past but I want you to know that even during the storm that raged between us, I always believed you to be the strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, and gentle person that touched my soul. In the end, if I could ask you to carry one thing from me as you walk into the future, it would be that.

 

Anyway, I’m not always the best with words but they are the last words I wished to say. I think that you’re a good and wonderful person X. I will always wish the best for you, your family, and your friends.

 

Sincerely,

 

Guest

[norajane]

Write it and mail it to yourself. You'd be surprised what a shock it will be to read your own words just a few days later in the mail. You'll be glad you didn't mail it to your ex.

 

Contacting now - no matter what you say in the letter - just tells them that you're still thinking about them and haven't gotten over it yet. And no matter what you think, you'll be waiting for a reply, and will get upset all over again. It doesn no good to contact exes.

[In Sync]

Writing a letter to wish them the best and not sending it, is harmless and an emotional release...BUT sending and not expecting a reply (hmmm) is more of a manipulative way of you having the last word. It indicates you felt powerfless and this is a way to not sound off angrily but portray yourself as being the nice guy/gal and see how big I am about this. Sort of a passive way to laying a guilt trip on them. Let 'em be. And in due time if they write you fine. If you feel compelled to send them this letter that's an indication you are in need to contact them. Work through your pain without contact the ex. They cannot validate your feelings or work through your pain for you.

At the end of the day it's a process you must go through yourself.

[Trimmer]

I think that writing it is a good idea, and I also agree with NOT sending it to the ex. I think you should think about some kind of ceremony, whether something simple like mailing it to yourself or the North Pole, or having a fire in the fireplace and burning it, or something more formalized and symbolic... Something ceremonial and ritualistic to put a kind of a punctuation mark at this place in your life - to recognize and accept what has passed, and to symbolize a transition, the ending of one thing and the beginning of something else.

 

I'm kind of starting to deal with the death of a family member that I have kind of avoided up to now, and my counselor suggested something like this. She said "fires are good..." to which I replied that she had finally revealed herself as a 13-year-old boy in disguise...

 

So I think you seem to be reaching for something ceremonial, some kind of recognition of this as a transition in your own life. I think that's a great and healthy idea. But I agree with the others here that you will probably benefit more by not involving the ex directly (other than in your memories...)

[Chinook]

I agree. Write it but don't send it. You will regret it... for all the reasons stated.

[Guest]

Posted it above. I really think that I need to do this.

[Guest]

It sounds like this is more of a letter for yourself. This is good.

 

But listen to the advice of everyone here. Do not send it. I was facing the same situation. And I posted here about it. I received almost exactly the same responses that you received.

 

But in the end, I decided to send the email for me. She was polite and responded very briefly. But it was far worse for me than not sending it. It put me back weeks if not months. And here I am trying to get thru this thing again.

 

Bottom line: ANY response she receives from you will send the message that you are weak. No matter HOW endearing your words really are!!

 

The VERY best advice that I have learned from reading here is that if someone breaks up with you, initiate no contact ... and there is NO looking back. Period. This is the ONLY way to maintain your respect and healing.

 

Please don't learn the hard way.

[Guest]

It sounds like this is more of a letter for yourself. This is good.

 

But listen to the advice of everyone here. Do not send it. I was facing the same situation. And I posted here about it. I received almost exactly the same responses that you received.

 

But in the end, I decided to send the email for me. She was polite and responded very briefly. But it was far worse for me than not sending it. It put me back weeks if not months. And here I am trying to get thru this thing again.

 

Bottom line: ANY response she receives from you will send the message that you are weak. No matter HOW endearing your words really are!!

 

The VERY best advice that I have learned from reading here is that if someone breaks up with you, initiate no contact ... and there is NO looking back. Period. This is the ONLY way to maintain your respect and healing.

 

Please don't learn the hard way.

 

 

Well..I have already sent it. As for me trying to be the better person, I'm not. I'm not any better than she is for my words. Because she is ALSO a good person. I also sent it because we had a lot of turmoil in our relationship. I want there to be peace. If she thinks I'm weak, what should it matter? We all speak about how we don't need our exes to validate how we feel. On the same token, if no longer seek validation from them for us, however they respond to us should be allowed to harm us anymore either. In the end, its not completely about contact or the need to have her in my life, the only "contact" that came into it is the act of sending an email. It's about doing something right for me. If she doesn't respond, its okay. If she rages at me, it's okay because that's where she is. I'm not.

[Ariadne]

Well..I have already sent it.

 

Excellent! Well done

 

Ariadne

[Guest]

Well..I have already sent it.

 

Excellent! Well done

 

Ariadne

 

 

Well... I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think that I'm finally ready to move on. It was cathartic. No response to it and it feels good that I could say it.

[Trimmer]

Well..I have already sent it.

I think you should register and give yourself a screen name and take on an identity here at LS. I'll be interested to hear of your feelings on this and whether they change over time, and NOT because I want to say "nyeah, nyeah, told you so!!!" - I promise I won't do that. I am truly interested, because you sound pretty grounded and at peace... I hope that continues.

 

Why not join up?

[fireflywy]

I think you should register and give yourself a screen name and take on an identity here at LS. I'll be interested to hear of your feelings on this and whether they change over time, and NOT because I want to say "nyeah, nyeah, told you so!!!" - I promise I won't do that. I am truly interested, because you sound pretty grounded and at peace... I hope that continues.

 

Why not join up?

 

Actually... I don't know why I didn't log in. This is me. I'm not as grounded as I appear to be. lol.

[Trimmer]

OK, well, I'll still honor my promise not to say "nyeah, nyeah..." if you later express any negative feelings about it...

 

So do you feel better just with the act of sending it? And I know you said it would be OK either way, but do you feel any anticipation about whether you'll get a reply? (See now that you've taken the leap, I'm going to interrogate you because I'm all curious...)

[johnnytable]

I'm interested to see how this makes you feel as well, good or bad.

 

Personally I would not have the guts to contact my ex. She has contacted me some since our breakup and everytime it set me back. It didn't matter if it was positive, angry, or a random question... it kept me from moving on.

[Trimmer]

See now, in my case, I am going through a whole different kind of process, because we have two school-aged kids together. So NC is not an option - not only do I have to deal with her day-to-day related to the kids, but I have very strong feelings about being supportive of the kids' relationship with her, being interested and positive in listening to their experiences while they are with her (and around the OM), etc. Doin' OK so far, but man, it's a real different process with kids involved...

[fireflywy]

I don't think I'll get a response. To be honest. I'm pretty sure that she's either still really angry, sorting out her feelings, or disgusted that I went against her wishes and broke contact. I'm ready for whatever she may say or not say.

 

While this is not a request for a second chance at a relationship,(not truly sure if I want one now lol) it is a second chance for me to have my dignity. We had chances where grace and dignity could have been found before, only to have it snatched away because of anger. If she contacts me in anger, I WILL not respond with it in return. That is the one power that I do have. And it's not a selfish power. It is the one thing I will respect myself for and give to her, regardless of the ending.

 

The words I wrote to her will have integrity and nothing will undo it.

 

You see, she's also in therapy for various things. She is at a point where she is struggling to sort out her past, a past full of pain and disappointment. I don't know ,where she will end up in the future but I think that she will probably end up in another hurtful relationship. If what she told me about her past is any indication, the guys who have passed through her life didn't sound like they truly cared enough to reach out to her. If she should face a situation like that again, it may be important for her to know that there are people who can give her dignity, care, and respect. That there are better ways to face loss and pain at the end of a relationship.

 

I know that for myself, I've been in situations where the care that someone showed me from my past, allowed me to recognize the problems of the present. Having a small example from the past where someone treated you kindly, can be incredibly empowering. Most often it comes in the support of friends and family, but sometimes it comes in the form of a memory of a loved one who was able to see the best in us beyond it all.

 

I would offer her the opportunity to embrace that memory because I loved her.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: " The words I wrote to her will have integrity and nothing will undo it."

 

 

There's this medical procedure -debridement of a wound- wherein all the potentially infection-causing debris and dead tissue is cleansed from the wound to, essentially, *start over* as bacteria-free as possible and give new tissue the best opportunity to heal.

 

It's often extremely painful, -but it promotes less problematic healing.

 

I think we sometimes believe that writing letters can be a sort of debridement -maybe it can- in some cases words are certainly needed for someone to heal properly (we think 'ourselves', usually)- but often they're simply a way to hang onto a part of the infection-causing 'bacteria' of our failed relationships.

 

A nano-speck of it (the 'bacteria') may not seem significant, but it can fool you -and when you don't go for the full debridement, your wound never quite heals.

 

Writing letters is a form of debridement and, for some it has the potential to promote a great deal of healing -but often when we choose to send them it is, in the long run, not so healing, after all, and turns out to have been nothing more than a means to harbor a little of the bacteria (though harmful to ourselves) and keep a chronic infection growing silently.

 

That's called *denial*.

 

Do the *full* debridement; be totally honest with yourself.

 

And that's integrity *no one* can undo.

 

-Rio

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

The "truth" is...

 

That nobody knows what's going to happen in the future.

 

Ariadne

[riobikini]

Duly noted, Adriadne.

 

It's true that the Hindenburg Disaster could have probably been avoided with aforeknowledge, as well as other world disasters and shattering events.

 

But refocusing> if we pay careful attention to our lives, we can still grasp a few reasonable conclusions based on specific human behavior patterns and avoid alot of our most painful, confusing, sometimes ridiculous, and common problems.

 

*Without* relying on a clairvoyant....or floating along like a paper ship in a current.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio