Wife's emotional affair

[retrvrman]

Howdy all,I am new to this forum and I have a few questions. First off, my wife and I are currently married and have been for 15yrs. We have three children, my oldest is 12yrs old girl, she has cerbral palsy, my younger daughter is 11yrs old and my son is 7yrs old and has been diagnosed with childhood onset bipolar disorder, he is on medication and going to therapy. I am active duty AF, I am a recovering sex addict(I have currently been sexual sober for going on 11months), and I am in individual counseling and my wife and I are in counseling together, the first time in 15yrs. The revelation that this was going on happened on Sunday 16 July 2006. My wife had been staying up late, late at night on the laptop playing toontown with my daughter and then met up with some guy who was playing with his daughter. (This guy is like 39, extremely ugly, seen a picture on her computer that he sent, works as a teacher/something at Lompoc state prison in CA, lives with his ex wife or soon to be with their three kids). Did I mention he was ugly? Anyway, my wife and I have grown emotionally apart for years, partly due to my sex addiction and that she has always shut me out emotionally. When she gets mad at people, like her mother for example, she will not talk with you/her for a couple of days, literally. Anyway, I found out abou the EA and she said that it wasn't him, that it could have been anyone. She also is overweight, trying to lose it now, I have always been supportive but she does not like herself because of how she looks. I think that she looks beautiful and I love her now more than I have every loved her. She talks on the cell phone with him and our home phone. I know his phone number at work and at home. The counselor asked when we went for our first session if she was willing to end it right then and my wife said she wasn't sure because she felt some connection. Now she has says things to me in the past couple of weeks like "I could never be with anyone while I am with/married to you". I asked her straight up if she loved him and she said No, but that she does like him. We are still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, haven't had sex since our 15th wedding anniversary on 8 June of this year (I am sure she just did it because she felt she had to). She has said that she isn't "in love with me", but that she will always love me because I am the father of her kids. She is a nursing school student with the upcoming year as her last. She will graduate in May 07 and I feel that no matter what happens in counseling with us or for me that she will be gone regardless. She cannot finish nursing school without my help and support and I feel used, tortured, and a fool at times. I want to know what they are saying back and forth on her Yahoo Messenger account (I know her e-mail address/account name but not her password), but without her knowing. The reason is so I can better prepare myself for whatever and not feel that I am being played. So, what do y'all think, opinions, advice....I am trying to have faith and trust in God each day and take it each day at a time. I am trying to be loving and respectful of her and protect my kids. But my shame and the not knowing sometimes just eats me up...thanks, take care and god bless,Greg

[retrvrman]

I see that folks have viewed my post but no comments or opinions??

[Billy Bob]

Install a keylogger program, I'm not sure of the specifics, but I am sure someone on here has done this and knows the ins and outs.

[JamesM]

I have some questions for you...first off, what was your sex addiction? And did you take responsibility for it...or do you call it a disease? And no, I do not think it is a disease. It may be a habit but it can be broken. And responsibility for the hurt and pain it caused must be accepted by you as your fault. I do understand. I have dealt with it to a degree as well. It isn't really an addiction IMHO but rather an incredible desire for pleasure that can be controlled but isn't. However, it is difficult to "quit" especially when it is something that is a part of normal life. Was your addiction porn...computer porn...prostitutes...magazines?

 

Since you have quit extracurricular sexual activities, have you reconnected with your wife? How often are you home? How much time do you spend with your children? Is it more important to go out with the guys or would you rather stay home with the wife?

 

Your wife has developed an EA due to a lack of emotional connection with you..as you mentioned. She has also had to deal with a great betrayal on your part due to the sex addiction you had. That doesn't go away overnight. You are experiencing something that she had to deal with as well. For many women any sex outside of marriage is not just a physical release it is a complete rejection of them as a woman. It is a complete betrayal of your marriage vows. It says that she could not fulfill you especially if she was into sex with you. You have every right to feel the way you do, but she has felt that way during the whole time you were "addicted." For you to be angry at her now and play the part of the victim is ignoring the fact that your addiction probably resulted in this EA. And to call him ugly reinforces in my mind the lack of importance you seem to place on her need for an emotional connection with a man who thinks she is wonderful...not just for her body, but for her intelligence and opinions. His looks isn't his attraction. It is his listening ear and respect for her as a person.

 

In my opinion, I would guess that you need to develop a friendship with your wife real quick. Rediscover again who she is, why you married her, and what she can contribute to your life's decisions.

 

Forget about her friend. She probably won't leave you for him. She may simply be letting you know what kind of hurt you caused her. Yes, she needs to lose weight and yes,, you still love her, but why is that part of the problem? You mentioned that to you she is still beautiful, but you recognize that she is overweight. This OM may simply accept her as beautiful...and not overweight.

 

I am not trying to be overly critical. I am asking you to look at this with a new look. Emotional friendship and empathy will go along ways. Instead of analyzing the past...think on how you can keep your wife for the future.

[Gunny376]

Based upon my experience and knowledge ~ twenty years in the military, having worked as a VA-Workstudy at University Records after retiring, my own and the marriages of others I submitt the following for your consideration:

 

I'd bet next year's retirement check's that as soon as she finishes her degree she's going to dump you quicker than you can say don't do it. Perhaps not immediately ~ but as soon as she gets her ducks lined up. Why? Because she doesn't need your financial support. I've seen it over, and over, and over the last ten years that I've lived here. The husband helps the wife get her degree ~ BAM!

 

I was just recently discussing this with a business associate ~ whose wife was wanting him to pay for her to go back to finish her degree, with his refusing to do it for this very reason.

 

Next nurse's have very high divorce rates, with many of them having been married multiplie times. I personally would never get involved with one for this very reason. My aunt, an RN is on her fourth marriage, the last one she divorce was a Dr.

 

All of this is taken to an exponential level by your wife's comments that she is un-williing to give up the affair (emotional ~ physical = the same in my book) and saying that she's not in love with you. Its been my experience and the experience of others that its only a question of time now. She'll become more and more illrational as time goes by.

 

Its also been my experience and observation of others that in so long as you're still intimate, there's a chance.

 

Per CTA"s suggestion I would install a key logger, and perhaps look at tapping your phone lines. (The Bubba's down at radio shack can tell you how to do it ~ or you can find out on the WWW).

 

Have your Driect Deposit changed to an account with your name only on it, and get other accounts closed, bills paid off, and in your name and your name only. Scrutinize every bill ~ especially credit card purchases.

Now would be a good time to speak to a lawyer ~ tell him you think you marriage is going or has gone South, and that the big blow is probally going to come down within the next years, and you need to know what to do to get your ducks in a row.

 

Let her go ahead and finish her degree, get her a job. That way your attorney can subpeneo her college transcripts and prove that she's capable of supporting herself. I would look at getting custody, because with your being in the AF, you'll probally will lose touch with them, and they will for all effects and purposes be out of your life.

 

Actually, if it were me I would actually do all of the above and then pre-emptive her, by telling her you want the divorce, and then set the bar high! But, that's me.

 

The reason you've not got many responses yet is because of the time your originally posted. Half the world is asleep, and folks here in the States are just now getting in, etc.

[Gunny376]

The way this thing is going to play out ~

 

Wife finishes degree

 

Get great job offer in _______________that she would be a fool to turn down

 

You get the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, anymore!" speech

 

Wife divorces you, moves to ________________and ups and quickly re-marries some joker she just meet and feel madly in love with!

 

You end up becoming a regular at the XI store, buying two-fifth's of anything.

[Gunny376]

You do manage to hold it together for five more years ~ it just because she's waiting for you to retire, so she can keep her military bennies, dependent ID card and draw "her" check.

[superconductor]

You get the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, anymore!" speech

Oh, Gunny, you're absolutely right, but you missed a bunch:

• 
  
• The "it's not you, it's me" speech;
  
• The "I just need some space" speech;
  
• The "I need to find myself" speech;
  
• The "I don't feel happy in this relationship anymore" speech;
  
• The "I need to fulfill my destiny" speech;
  
• The "Our relationship has lost it's spark" speech;
  
• The "I'm always a mom and wife, and now I need to be ME" speech;
  
• The "I have put off my happiness for years, and now it's MY turn" speech;
  
• The "My life is going in a different direction now" speech;
  
• The "I just don't feel connected to you anymore" speech;
  
• The "You're too good for me" speech;
  
• The "We've just grown apart" speech;
  
• The "Our relationship has just matured, and we both need to move on" speech;

And, of course, the perennial classic

• 
  
• "OUCH!! I just banged my head! Oh... who are you?"

[Gunny376]

For helping me out!

 

More than likely all of them roled up into one, with complimentary anger and PO attitude, and a few tears thrown in for good measure.

 

If you get the "I'm just not happy! speech ~ she's banging some other dude! Every single time!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry... but if you've cheated on your wife due to your sexual addiction, then you've changed the parameters of the marital relationship. When you first got married, monogamy was the rule. When you stepped out.... you changed the rules.

 

The old deal is dead. You need a NEW DEAL.

 

The best you can do is to try to get your wife to negotiate a new contract with you.

[Gunny376]

Of you, I'm not worthy!

 

LOL! If you ever leave your DH, there's a guy in Bama that wants to talk with you!

[iron_m]

I've seen it over, and over, and over the last ten years that I've lived here. The husband helps the wife get her degree ~ BAM!

 

Well... add one more case to your database, Gunny.

[Billy Bob]

The "it's not you, it's me" speech;

The "I just need some space" speech;

The "I need to find myself" speech;

The "I don't feel happy in this relationship anymore" speech;

The "I need to fulfill my destiny" speech;

The "Our relationship has lost it's spark" speech;

The "I'm always a mom and wife, and now I need to be ME" speech;

The "I have put off my happiness for years, and now it's MY turn" speech;

The "My life is going in a different direction now" speech;

The "I just don't feel connected to you anymore" speech;

The "You're too good for me" speech;

The "We've just grown apart" speech;

The "Our relationship has just matured, and we both need to move on" speech;

 

OMG, do you know my wife? Throw in "not liking jewelry" anymore (removal of the wedding band) and "needing to get a job with benefits" (My job provides great benefits for my family?) and you have to be talking about my wife.

[Becoming]

Hello? I suspect why nurses often end up divorced is because they're usually highly emotional people who like connecting with folks emotionally.

 

You made that impossible with your sex addiction.

 

Your marriage disconnected due to your actions; she's responding to a lack of intimacy that wasn't possible with your past behavior. I suspect that neither of you knows how to repair the broken connection, which will need to start with your contrition and repentance and leading your relationship into a new way.

 

Good for you for 11mths off porn! Check out marriagebuilders.com and have your wife take the emotional needs survey. You take it too and then compare it with your wife to hers. I think you'll both be surprised. Then you can start coming up with a way to start filling up each other's love banks. You're overdrawn right now and accruing overdraft charges despite all your efforts in the past few months.

 

To help us, my H and I set up jars into which we put beans in each other's jars when the other did something that made us feel loved. We wrote what those were down so we knew. This was a visual reminder that someone was/wasn't getting emotional needs met. It was really helpful. We also took beans out when the other did something that damaged our desire to connect with her/him and wrote that down too.

 

Whatever you choose to do, you need to do and lead REGARDLESS of what she chooses to do. I say forget the keylogger. Love your wife the way she needs to be loved according to her emotional needs, and you'll not need to worry about her leaving. Use your energy for positive ends and be persistent over time. She is NOT gonna believe you've changed for quite some time, probably several months. YOU are going to have to make the change you want to see and stay the course regardless of how she reacts.

 

Best wishes!

[Gunny376]

But, all that hinges on several varibales. He can do all the things that you recommend and not do all of the things that you recommend that he not do ~ etc. But, that still puts him being the only player on the field. You can't play ball by yourself. But, as LJ has pointed out ~ new ballgame ~ new rules.

 

If you look at it ~ most divroces, separtations, break-ups when one or both parties comes to a "crossroad" in life? The original "poster" is coming up on two of these ~ one being his wife finishing her degree, and the other is his possibily retiring from the AF in five years. If he and she get past the first, then there's the second one to come to terms with?

 

Most military retiree's go out with 20 years, and at age 38, still relatively speaking "young". Many military wives feel that this is also the time for them to cash out ~ so to speak, and get busy finding their next husband.

And, its not a bad severance package. She gets to keep everything that she had in the marriage, plus half of his retirement, PX priviledges (no sales tax) commissary priviledges (wholesale prices on name brand products, no sales tax, + 5% surcharge) MWR prviledges, (all kinds of free or discounted goodies) etc.

 

The other thing that concerns me about your post is that most of us are here at LS looking for answers to questions and solutions to problems ~ that is that we're very positively motivated to learn and grow, and to take out knowledge to its next higher expoential level. As is the original poster?

 

Granted we're all capable of speaking the language ~ but again you can't play ball by yourself.

 

Then there's my experience that women have a critical mass point ~ upon once obtaining there is no putting it back together.

 

I may alienate other women ~ but by an large the reuglar's here at LS are exceptional women ~ and not your average woman on the street. All of the regulars here, LJ, you, MsP, Dgril, Lor, all come across (even if you don't feel it) as strong, independent, self supporting women.

 

Personally, I think EA are the same as physcial affairs. I mean if the WS is having "duty sex" with you, to keep up apperances while thinking about the OM/OW ~ its the same thing. The sin is committed in the mind and the heart ~ before it is actually committed in deed ~ is it not? Either way the WS is not fully invested in the relationship and the marriage.

 

Granted, the original poster needs to look at the three fingers pointing back at himself, before he goes pointing the one at the WS, there no question in that.

 

But, I'm not so sure there's not too much water over the damn and under the bridge. And, then to boot, there's rough water ahead. I can see it ~ because I've been through it.

 

If I ever get married again ~ you can bet ~ that I won't put up with half of the crap that I put up with from my first and only wife. But, then again parameters and bounderies will be clearly spelled out. Minor, major, and intolerable offenses will be clearly spelled out.

 

But, then again, from my side of it ~ you can bet your horse, boots, saddle, guns, and spurs that I will be very proactive in saving my marriage the day I get re-married.