Guest Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I will attempt to be as concise as possible: About ten years ago I lucked into a relationship with a girl that I had casually admired from afar for some time. We turned out to be extremely compatible on many levels (physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc.), and fell for each other quite rapidly. It was an extraordinary experience, one that all people should be fortunate enough to have. The romance was torrid, to put it mildly. And yet, we were not attached at the hip. We could go for days without seeing each other, and then reconvene when our schedules permitted without missing a beat. However... Things went very sour when she had to move away. I began to question the sanity of an LDR after only eight months together, but she wasn't having it. In spite of my misgivings and lack of faith in the proposition, she persevered (though I did succeed in bringing her to tears thrice over with my pessimism). The day finally came, and she departed, confident that we could see it through. Alas, it was not to be. I was gripped by separation anxiety almost from the outset, and I began to try too hard when there was no reason for me to. And then I started threatening her with termination, which broke her on more than one occasion. Finally, after three months of less-than-harmonious relations, she phoned me in tears to tell me that she had made time with some guy at a club. She wanted to call things off. As you can likely guess, I mercilessly raked her over the coals for not listening to me in the first place. However, I knew in the back of my mind that I had been the one who had shown weakness, and thus hastened her departure. Would she have wandered anyway? Who knows. But my lack of confidence in her certainly did nothing to help. After a couple more months of tit-for-tat, my rage subsided and she let her guard down again. She told me that she was glad the tension was over, and that she wanted to remain close to me. Much to my own surprise, this actually enraged me to the point of seeing red. I crushed her with one final cathartic tirade, filled with insults and false criticisms. This was the end of the line. The LDR had cracked my mind, and thus our relationship. I moved on with my life, but not without going to see her one last time in person. She was timid, reticent, and not at all the person I had grown to care about. When I left, I could sense that our final parting did not come soon enough for her. Seven months later, I longed to reconcile. Her mother encouraged me to call her. I balked at this, and instead penned my transmission. Her reply never came, and I never attempted communication again. It has now been nearly a decade since this acrimonious break-up, and my life is truly wonderful. I have made the world my oyster, and I have had several subsequent relationships that have been fruitful. But just recently, I have found myself unable to cope with the memory of my sweetheart from ten years ago, and I have no idea why this is coming into my mind only now. I have no need to let her know how or what I am doing, but I want to apologize to her. I desire to be assured of her happiness. And I don't want her to think that I went on in life to perfect the art of being a heartless bastard. At the same time, I would never want to invade her privacy. I don't know if she is married now, has a family, et al. And if she wouldn't talk to me before, can I hope that time will have altered her policy? Please help to ease my mind. Any sound advice on a course of action (or letting me know that I am simply crackers) would be deeply appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
aljc123 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 sounds to me like it was not the distance, but your attitude that broke up this r/ship. She was optimistic and loved you and so thought that together you could make it work. You brought her to tears (and these are the times u knew about!) three times being pessimistic about your future together. This was a rejection of her optimism, of her surety that you could make it, of her commitment to making your relationship work. This in turn is a rejection of the love she had for you, her confidence in the two of you, and your strength as a couple. This will have made her insecure, and that could even be the root of why she cheated. Following all this with your final tirade at her, im not suprised she wanted nothing more to do with you. On the other hand, she did cheat on you (would she have anyway or is it just because you were so sure something like that would happen that it did?!) and there is of course two sides to every story. But thats what id say hers would be. If you still think about her like this i'd suggest you try and get in touch in a non invasive way, otherwise youll just always wonder, compare other relationships agains what could be a fabricated, rose tinted ideal, OR if you are meant to be together it could be the best thing you ever did. I suggest you send her a letter. Nothing too intense, but do let her know of your regrets about the past. Link to post Share on other sites
sirjay Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 i agree. send her the letter. i had an ex from 7 years back get in touch and one of the good things that came of it was that i was able to apologise for being horrible to her i n the past - we had both been under terrible stress at the time and i did things that i regretted but she was really happy that i was so sorry and understood what had happened with the benefit of greater maturity and hindsight. she forgave me and it really meant a lot to me. the whole thing was a positive experience. the most important thing is that you give what you choose to give unconditionally. the closer you can get to doing that, the less potential hurt will be there and the more sincere it will be. if she is a cool person - and it sounds like she is - she will really respect it. 10 years does a lot to change people, and who knows what else might come of it as a bonus. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Nynetayls Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 (I am the topic creator) Okay then. Very sound. I'll wait for a bit more feedback, but thanks for the responses so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I think there would be no harm in casually contacting her. Obviously how you do it determines if you come across as just a friendly face from the past or a psycho stalker whose been following her for the last ten years. However if you dated and had a connection as you say you did, I'm sure she "knows" your basic personality and would at the very least give you a chance to say Hi. I myself had a relationship that ended 11 years ago. He was a huge jerk and we left on terms that were far from wonderful. I went on to get married, go through a divorce, and ironically start to date one of his college friends, who I am still with. He sent me an email basically saying that now he realizes what a jerk he was totally out of the blue. He's happily married with 4 children, but many of the critical complaints I had about him were hammered home when his wife and other women he subsequently dated had them also. Over the last ten years he totally changed and has become the man I knew he could be. It was nice to hear he realizes and has grown from his mistakes. Everyone makes them, not everyone learns from them. Although at this point neither of us have romantic feelings for each other anymore it's nice to know that he turned out OK, and is genuinely sorry for his behavior before. I am truly happy for him and his family. Your ex sounds like a cool girl, a lot can happen in ten years. If you can find her and she acts uncomfortable with the contact immediatley drop it....but it may lead to a nice friendship again. Link to post Share on other sites
Nynetayls Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 "I'm sure she 'knows' your basic personality and would at the very least give you a chance to say Hi." Umm, yeah... That's where my misgivings come in. I am afraid that she "knows" what a Jekyll-&-Hyde sort I am (not anymore, or at least I don't think so). That was likely the lasting impression. How can I convince her that I have put such madness behind me before her prejudices allow her to write me off without so much as a second thought? And I've not the foggiest idea where she is. I've been fantastic about letting her be, mainly because I myself was a grudge holder. This is not good, I know, but it allowed me to be very "wash-hands-and-move-along" in my life (and I think she was aware of this trait as well). This is why my thoughts of her trouble me so. They haven't existed for years, and they are inconsistent with my personality. Link to post Share on other sites
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