Learning not to be "her mistake"

[S.Shane]

Hi love people, nice shack. So this is my second time getting burned by the rebound relationship. Guess I learn slowly. Actually, you couldn't really call it a relationship yet, but I can see where it's leading, and I can also see that she isn't over her ex. But I thought I'd ask you all to confirm my suspicions before I go about making everyone involved feel bad (or worse than they already feel). She had dated her ex for about 2 years and they've been broken up for about 3 months (I don't REALLY know FOR SURE who dumped who). Here are my observations:

1. She still hangs out with her ex

2. She keeps pictures/things that he's given her around her house (on her nightstand, etc...)

3. She never talks bad about him, only ever says good things

4. The other night she had a party at her house. I was there and so was her ex. I watched them interacting and noticed her tendancy to try to get physicaly close to him (seemed subconcious, not like she was trying to get on him)

 

We have been intimate, though it may not have been exactly "planned" as there was alcohol involved (I know -- I've got to stop rushing into things like this). We've been friends for several years up to this point and have had a good friendship -- I really don't want to end that.

But, I also have been in this position once before, and I don't want to be a woman's "mistake" again. That hurts bad and it seems to take a little life out of me each time it happens.

 

Whatdya think, am I crazy or is this a genuine rebound situation?

[norajane]

You're likely to get hurt here. She's still into her ex, and not anywhere near getting over him. Since they still are in contact, that 'getting over him' process will drag on and on.

 

Based on what you've written, if you got involved further and her ex wanted to try again, she'd drop you in a heartbeat.

[amaysngrace]

We've been friends for several years up to this point and have had a good friendship -- I really don't want to end that.

But, I also have been in this position once before, and I don't want to be a woman's "mistake" again. That hurts bad and it seems to take a little life out of me each time it happens.

 

How is she towards you? Does she seem like she's into you as much as she seems to be into her ex? Or does she treat you more like a buddy she occasionally sleeps with?

 

You have to question your own motives if this is becoming a pattern. Going after female friends that have recently broken up with their boyfriends, being a shoulder for them to cry on, allowing them to share details of their heartache with you, etc, sets you up for being the one they come running to. Are you using that to your advantage in hopes of getting a little lovin' from them?

 

If so, you really don't have a right to gripe about being a rebound guy.

 

Most people need time to heal after a break-up. If you wish not to be a rebound guy, allow these women to heal before actively pursuing them.

[Sand&Water]

4. The other night she had a party at her house. I was there and so was her ex. I watched them interacting and noticed her tendancy to try to get physicaly close to him (seemed subconcious, not like she was trying to get on him)

 

Number 4, right there, is the killer. The interaction between them says it all. Like Norajane said, she is nowhere near getting over her ex. Her heart is doing the talking at this stage of her life. If you decide to venture close to her, you will be heart broken - painfully.

 

Be there for her, as a friend. Listen to her, when she needs someone to be by her side. It will take her a total of 12 months to get over her ex, and start moving on.

[S.Shane]

How is she towards you? Does she seem like she's into you as much as she seems to be into her ex? Or does she treat you more like a buddy she occasionally sleeps with?

 

You have to question your own motives if this is becoming a pattern. Going after female friends that have recently broken up with their boyfriends, being a shoulder for them to cry on, allowing them to share details of their heartache with you, etc, sets you up for being the one they come running to. Are you using that to your advantage in hopes of getting a little lovin' from them?

 

If so, you really don't have a right to gripe about being a rebound guy.

 

Most people need time to heal after a break-up. If you wish not to be a rebound guy, allow these women to heal before actively pursuing them.

 

Seems like shes into me. She calls/texts/emails me several times a day, we hang out often, etc. I know she hangs out/talks with her ex fairly often but probably not that often (guessing here). We haven't had sex since the first time (a few weeks ago).

 

As to my "hopes of getting a little" and "being a shoulder", I suppose I didn't really give you enough background to make an informed judgment on that, but I don't really think that's my problem. I think my problem is not recognizing how long it takes someone to get over a relationship (everyone's different), and when she tells me it's been a couple months, I think, "well, it took me about that long to get over my last girlfriend". Keep in mind that I've never had a long term relationship.

The first rebound I was involved in was a totally different case, and the big problem there was my inability to turn down sex when I've been drinking (not often a problem for me, but there was chemistry between us for a long time before this erupted). Of course, it takes two to tengo and all that but that's history and (maybe) the subject of another post.

[amaysngrace]

Well then in that case, I think you're just looking for signs of being a rebound guy because it has already happened to you.

 

I apologize for jumping to conclusions. You're right...I didn't have enough info.

 

I think she sounds like she's into you. You may just have insecurities from before. Go easy with her and allow your relationship to build. See how she and her ex's relationship is a good thing. They've maintained a friendship and that says a lot about the person that she is.

[Mary3]

Seems like shes into me. She calls/texts/emails me several times a day, we hang out often, etc. I know she hangs out/talks with her ex fairly often but probably not that often (guessing here). We haven't had sex since the first time (a few weeks ago).

 

As to my "hopes of getting a little" and "being a shoulder", I suppose I didn't really give you enough background to make an informed judgment on that, but I don't really think that's my problem. I think my problem is not recognizing how long it takes someone to get over a relationship (everyone's different), and when she tells me it's been a couple months, I think, "well, it took me about that long to get over my last girlfriend". Keep in mind that I've never had a long term relationship.

The first rebound I was involved in was a totally different case, and the big problem there was my inability to turn down sex when I've been drinking (not often a problem for me, but there was chemistry between us for a long time before this erupted). Of course, it takes two to tengo and all that but that's history and (maybe) the subject of another post.

 

You are a walking time bomb with her. She is NOT over her ex. If you want to get used and hang around because you have feelings for her only to get second place and finally dumped , go right ahead.

 

She should totally be INTO YOU ! Not seeing him , not keeping all his things.

 

She NEVER got over him because he is still THERE !

 

Comprehend ?

[S.Shane]

I think I've got the picture now -- I hope. I talked to her last night and I asked her if she wouldn't mind me asking about her breakup. As I said before, we've been friends for some time now and we're pretty comfortable talking with each other about these things. Plus she's very open and willing to share her feelings with me.

 

So anyway, I asked her if she thought she was over her breakup (prefacing this with my admission of knowing nothing about LTR's). She said, "Yeh, I think so, because we were growing apart for a long time before we split up". I thought about this and then she asked me why I wanted to know. I said I asked because I noticed her proximity issue with her ex at her party (Reason #4 above, why I think she's not over him) and it seemed to me that maybe that was an indication that she might still have some unresolved feelings towards him.

 

At this point I didn't really know what kind of reaction she might have and I was glancing about for something to protect my head with. She simply said, "Hmm. I hadn't noticed that before."

Sooooo, I'm guessing that since she didn't deny it, or smash a guitar over my head, that maybe she isn't exactly sure if she's over him and that probably means that she is, in fact, NOT OVER HIM.

 

I guess it's "friends only" from here...

 

BTW, thanks to everyone who've been helping me sort this out, it's great to have confirmation that I'm not just thinking crazy thoughts!

[Mary3]

I think I've got the picture now -- I hope. I talked to her last night and I asked her if she wouldn't mind me asking about her breakup. As I said before, we've been friends for some time now and we're pretty comfortable talking with each other about these things. Plus she's very open and willing to share her feelings with me.

 

So anyway, I asked her if she thought she was over her breakup (prefacing this with my admission of knowing nothing about LTR's). She said, "Yeh, I think so, because we were growing apart for a long time before we split up". I thought about this and then she asked me why I wanted to know. I said I asked because I noticed her proximity issue with her ex at her party (Reason #4 above, why I think she's not over him) and it seemed to me that maybe that was an indication that she might still have some unresolved feelings towards him.

 

At this point I didn't really know what kind of reaction she might have and I was glancing about for something to protect my head with. She simply said, "Hmm. I hadn't noticed that before."

Sooooo, I'm guessing that since she didn't deny it, or smash a guitar over my head, that maybe she isn't exactly sure if she's over him and that probably means that she is, in fact, NOT OVER HIM.

 

I guess it's "friends only" from here...

 

BTW, thanks to everyone who've been helping me sort this out, it's great to have confirmation that I'm not just thinking crazy thoughts!

 

You deserve 100% and nothing less from her .

[p8riot7]

I think my problem is not recognizing how long it takes someone to get over a relationship (everyone's different), and when she tells me it's been a couple months, I think, "well, it took me about that long to get over my last girlfriend".

 

Shane,

 

There's a basic rule of thumb regarding the length of time required to completely recover from the loss of a relationship, and this actually came from a psychologist I saw after my ex and I first seperated. For every year spent with your companion, it generally takes about 2 months to recover emotionally. EX. a 2 year relationship needs to be given 4 months to recover and heal, but this is just an average, not a specific time frame, so don't sit around and count the days.