dating a divorced man with child

[grace75]

I am 31 and have been on my own since I was 20. I've had a few long-term relationships that didn't end well. I picked up and moved 1000 miles from home. Here I met an incredible man. He has been divorced for 3 years and has a 7-year old son. We get along great for the most part. However, here lately I feel smothered. We moved in together and we work together (that's how we met). At the time we started dating, I had a job offer back home that I was considering taking, but I wanted to see where things went with us. Now 8 months later, I am missing home, but I still want to be with him. In 10 years we can move closer to my home, but not until his son is older. I can understand that 100%. I just feel like I've given up so much. He says that he should be enough to keep me where I am. Am I being selfish? Is this always going to be a problem that keeps coming up? Any advice would be helpful!

[typical]

I just feel like I've given up so much.

 

But that was your choice, not his!!! In reality, all that you have given up was going back home, which he couldnt have possibly known it would become an issue before he got involved with you.

 

In a sense, I can understand partially where he is coming from....although he is being a bit unyeilding and unwilling to compromise.......However, he has a son, responsibilities that are his own, and most likely doing the best to ensure that the both of them have shiny futures...It seems like his unwillingness comes from a good place, his son being the upmost priority right now. You are not faced with any other responsibility than your own. He feels settled and sure, while you on the other hand, seem unsettled and unsure, having moved 1000 miles away from home, only to want to return 8 months later.

 

He is divorced, who has custody? This might be another reason as well. If it is a joint thing, then the ex might not take too kindly to having her son being out of state on visitation days. Things could become messy.

 

Sure, you could go, but I bet he is asking you to take a risk and stay...ask yourself what he means to you in your life, and then follow accordingly. But dont pick fights to make a decision happen. If you arent going to be happy there, he is going to know it, even if you dont say a word at all.

[grace75]

Yeah, I knew he had a son going into the relationship. He does not get along with the ex or the ex mother in law who very much has a hand in getting things stirred up. I was not prepared for that! Huge shocker!!! I've never had a relationship like this. I'm not bolting. He did finally admit that he's clingy and knows that he's smothering me, which was a huge step because I'm always feeling like I'm doing it all wrong. He's always saying that he wants me to be a part of his life and for the 3 of us to be a family. I have no say in anything though. I think he does way too much for his son. We have him everyday for a couple hours after school and every other weekend. We spend tons of money on him on the weekends and run non-stop. He always has the newest clothes and toys. I want to tell my boyfriend it's too much, but that's not my son. I said something one time and was told that he wants to give his son the best childhood he can. I get that too, but there should be boundaries, right? I don't always feel like a part of them. I don't get to suggest what we do or where we go. I'm just told that this is the plan and then I'm expected to go. Am I being unreasonable? This is all new to me, and I'm afraid I'm not doing so well.

[ggirl]

I'm in a similar situation, however, the guy i'm seeing hasn't introduced me to his kids yet. I can understand maybe things are going too fast for you but at least he wants you to be a part of him and his son's life. In my situation also, the guy i'm seeing does the SAME thing about spending money on his kids. It is almost like a coping mechanism for not having them all the time. I just think later down the road he will regret spoiling them so much. He has joint custody so he has his kids every other week. I only get to see him when he does not have his kids and it is getting a little old. Hang in there and maybe try talking to him about it again?

[Touche]

I was in the exact same situation. We had to stay. We couldn't move. But I've always known that. I accepted it.

 

As for the spoiling, boy was that an issue! Yes, I opened up my mouth and pointed out that he was not helping his son. We had many conflicts over that issue. But in the end, he did the right thing and took to heart what I was saying.

 

There's really nothing you can do about it. All you can do is talk to him about it. If he changes great, if not you have to decide whether you can accept things as they are.

 

And it's not right that you never get to decide what you guys do together. Why don't you let them go off on their own sometimes.? Tell him you'd rather do so and so and if they want to come great.