CGrace44 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I have been together with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. I have been ambivalent about whether or not we should stay together as our relationship becomes a long distance relationship or not because I am unsure if I love him. We have had so many good times but so many others that have been terrible. I have forgiven him for those but I can't forget them. I am going to be 6 hours away for him at college and I don't know if I should be willing to try to make things work or end it. And if I end it then I am afraid of feeling like a fool to abandon what we have in search of another relationship. I feel like I’m settled down and married with him. We don't go out and party like we should being young adults. I told him that I want the "college experience" and he assumed I meant getting drunk everynight and sleeping around so its obvious that he doesn't trust me. I read a quote somewhere that said “Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and you’ll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.” And feel like I care too much about what he thinks that it clouds my own judgment. It sometimes feels like he makes my decisions for me. HELP! I need advice about what to do!! Should I try a long distance relationship when I have doubts or throw away a year and a half? Thx, CGrace44 Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I can totally relate to past issues haunting my relationship-in that I can forgive but never forget. Have these issues caused you to fall out of love or did that happen over time? Either way- if you are unsure you even love him after such a long relationship then I am guessing this relationship won't last- whether you stay together or not while you are away. You may stay together for a while, but if you don't truly love him anymore then what is the point?!?! I am guessing you are in high school and are moving onto college. I know that some relationships can last a lifetime out of high school-but this odd is very low. I was (or thought) in love with my high school bf of 2.5 years and we broke up after one semester away at school. I havent talked to him in 2 years. And this was the guy I put up with for a whole semester, while I could have been meeting others and truly experiencing my college career. Get out and Go out! Have funnnn- you are young. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CGrace44 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Thanks for the advice! I guess I'm just scared of losing him as a friend. He is a truly great guy (when he wants to be). He says he doesn't want to be friends at all if we break up. He also says that I will regret it if I end a relationship because of the long distance thing (you were right to assume college). I don't want to end it and then realize it was a mistake. I know highschool love rarely lasts and I've been debating the issue since last christmas. I think that the least I can do is try it. Is that wrong considering that ive been debating our relationship after almost 2 years? Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I am glad a bit of advice helped! When you say "try it" do you mean try the long-distance or breaking up? I was a little unclear on your comment. I do not think either decision is "wrong," but there is a right decision for you. You just have to trust yourself and YOUR decision...not his. If you truly want to be with him (despite LDR or not) then maybe the LDR is worth a shot. But if you kinda feel that maybe you are using the long-distance as an excuse for breaking it off so you can experience other things, then maybe it should end. Do you think this could be the case? That maybe now you two are going your separate ways and this is an opportunity to end the relationship gracefully? (?)--I am not trying to sway you either way, just give you a view on both sides. Your decision won't be wrong if that is what you believe in. He may not like what you decide, but sometimes you just need to do what is best for you. Do you ever watch Sex in the City??? I love the quote when Samantha says "I love you, Richard, but I just love me more." (hahha im nerdy) but I looove that quote. Love yourself and do what is best for YOU, not what your bf wants you to do. He is being selfish id he can't see from your perspective. (He is also using the "I wont be friends with you" and " youll regret it" as a tactic to scare you away from what he feels may be inevitable--trust me I have said that to past bf's) Just listen to yourself and I think you will be able to make the right decision for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CGrace44 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 When I say try it I mean to try the LDR. He heard from another couple that when they had a LDR they would set dates to look forward to. For example, planning a trip for spring break. It sort of scared me when he suggested that we do the same. Spring break is near the end of the school year and I am still in the phase where I don't know if the LDR can work for our relationship. He got upset when I told him I didn't want to plan for a vacation with him because I don't want to get his hopes up. I think I am more willing to try it out just because of how long our relationship has lasted thus far. But if its not working out then I wouldn't know how to end it. I think its disrespectful to breakup with someone on the phone or online and I won't have a car to drive the hours to do it to his face. I know I am sort of planning far ahead in how to breakup with him. But I'm a "what if" type of person and I like to be prepared. Link to post Share on other sites
john2776 Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Given you age and the feelings you have for your boyfriend, I would not bother to try the LDR. They are hard work and your heart isn't really in it. Do your BF a favour and leave him now. It is a good oportunity to end something gracefully. Go out and enjoy life. If you go into LDR you will have to constantly explain to him what happened at some party, what time you got home, why are you spending so much time with some guy friend etc etc. Its not worth it if you don't love him. Don't put you and him throught it. He will still be friends with you. When breakups are amicable the friendship usually stays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CGrace44 Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 My boyfriend and I first started discussing whether or not we should stay together or break up since december. At first I dodged the topic because I figured that it was way too soon to be discussing the future of our relationship. Seeing that I am only 18 I was never looking for a long-term relationship. As it got closer to summer I would always dodge the topic because I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I told him 3 months ago that I wanted to try the LDR. Then a month ago that I did not want to stay together when I left for school. As time progressed he would comment on other girls and say "Only three weeks" with a grin. Then he would talk about the "good old days" when he didnt only have 3 weeks left with me. It hurt me because I knew it hurt him. We continued to discuss it and he told me that he needed my final decision because he was sick of me being indecisive and he felt that the decision should not be hard if I really loved him. I know I love him but I am questioning whether I am in love with him. I am still unsure about what I want to do. I know its not fair to tell him that I dont want to stay together especially after the months of discussing it but I really dont see things working out. Should I stop worrying about this and try it out like I said I would? Im confused. Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 After TWO years...if you do not know if you are IN LOVE with him...then I absolutely do not think you should not date him at all-LDR or not. It is selfish to stay in the relationship and drag him along when you are unsure. You do not have to do the breaking up, I am sure all you have to do is be honest and tell him that you are not in love with him and he will probably break up with you. LDR is by no means worth the time and effort if you do not truly want to be with the person or are not in love with that person Just my opinion! Link to post Share on other sites
BohemeRose Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 All I can really think to say is this... You want to be with him or you don't. Either you can live without him, or you perish at the thought of living a life he's not in. You can picture yourself alone, or he's permanently embedded in your mind as being part of you. It sucks that he jumped to conclusions when you said you want the typical college experience, but it's kind of hard to dismiss the fact that that's what MOST people think the typical college experience is. I'm going into my senior year of college and let me tell you, people with significant others don't miss out on anything the single people experience, aside from mindless hook ups and a frusterating dating scene. An LDR takes a lot of effort, but if you need that person, it's worth the hard work. If not, well...it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Rikka Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 I will echo the sentiments of other posters.... end it. Your heart is not truly in this relationship if you've been toying with the idea of breaking up. And to be honest, you are embarking upon a new phase of your life. You should be free to explore and enjoy and live YOUR life to the fullest. Flip a coin. Heads it's LDR. Tails it's break-up. If you call 2 out of 3 then you know where your heart lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts